Can employer force me to take compassionate leave?

[Wibblewibbles]

My DH has been very unwell and work are trying to get me to agree to take compassionate leave to spend time with him. I don’t want to. Not in a horrible way - just that I find carrying on as normal really beneficial and a way of grounding myself. My quality of work hasn’t suffered. Can they force me to take it even if I don’t want to?

In fact I got top marks in my year at uni while going through an awful bereavement. I am glad noone said I should stop working, I could clearly perform and the work was a comfort.

Yes it’s your right to decline without agreeing to do the above

but be prepared for that request to become a poor performance review with the consequences of that

Except my performance is fine? We have our work quality checked weekly and I have one of the highest scores on the team. So I don’t know how anyone could suggest my performance is poor.

Not if it’s impacting the business

I agree. They should listen to the Op. If they are really serious about her wellbeing they will appreciate that looks different for different people

But they have said they have no issues with her output.

I have explained that your performance might be fine but

it may be causing lots of chat and discussion that is impacting on others
and
The adjusted hours may not work for them

so will you continue to say no
or will you suggest to revert to hours and refrain from discussion in work hours

They cannot force you to counselling. They cannot force you to spend time with your DH. They CAN force you to take time off if they pay you. An employer is required to pay you for your services - if the "service" is "don't come to work" that is their choice and they have the right to enforce it.

You probably don't want to hear this, but you may be doing well at work, you may also want the distraction of work. But you also may be using that as an avoidance, and you may also come to deeply regret your choice.

Other people talking isn’t really my fault or concern though is it? And you would think if they didn’t like me changing my hours they would say that rather than saying that it’s absolutely fine

Objectively
three separate layers within this business are encouraging the op to take compassionate

what would their motivation be if it wasn’t what they felt was in the best interests of the business and the op ?

But you may be very experienced and able to chat and maintain performance

more junior / less experienced - not able to

I’m sorry for what you are going through.

What role do you do?

I wouldn’t want to be operated on by a surgeon using their job as a way to avoid their feelings in a situation like this, and I would expect there is a duty of care to patients. But if you are a chef I’d be fine with eating your meals.

@Wibblewibbles .. I am so sorry to read this. I have witnessed three close friends go through something similar and they have all walked a different road.

I think I would ask for a meeting..

Say that you are very grateful for their concern and would be also grateful if they could allow you to continue to take each day as it comes and to carry on as you are. You are happy to update weekly, in private pre arranged meetings and will update should anything change. In the meantime, right now, you are getting the support you need outside from the counsellor and your own support network and that you feel that continuing to work is what you need to do right now. Repeat that you are very grateful for the offer of compassionate leave and you would like to retain the option to take that at a time in the future when you feel that it is right for you, even if that time might be after DH had died. Be very clear that you know that they are there should you need them, but for now, that you need to stay in touch with the parts of your life that you can control and that as long as you are functioning at work, you would like to keep it that way, but as soon as that need changes, you will contact him immediately. You can tell him that you have had long discussions with your partner and that he is also getting all of the support that he needs.

and dear lady, please do reach out into your circles for everything that you need. Sometimes we need to reach further out to find that person who will not look at you with sad eyes, will just listen and will do the things that you want them to do without bringing with them a load of expectations of what they need from us in return... find those people, ask of them what you need and feel no responsibilities for their feelings.

Maybe build some of that into the conversation with your boss... Dear boss, what I need from you and company X right now, is to see me as Wibblewibbles, employee, not wibblewibbles, distraught woman who is going through the most awful thing in her life, I have enough of those people around me. When I need that from you, I will let you know.

It may well be avoidance and I may well even regret it in the future but as an adult shouldn’t I be allowed to make that decision?

I'm so sorry your DH is unwell.

No, you can't be forced to take time off. However, I suspect that if you have a good relationship with your manager and its a caring organisation, they are probably trying to support you.

I'm also someone who needs to work/keep busy even when very stressed. When my dad was dying I carried on going to work, and when he died I only took the next day off and then went back to work. My.manager kept saying I could have more time off to support my Mum, but my Mum wasn't wanting that I and neither was I.

Maybe have an open conversation with your manager, explaining how you're feeling. Hopefully they will support the choices you are making

In theory, yes. In law, the position is as I said, which is the answer to the question you keep asking. You wanted an answer. The answer is that an employer can enforce leave provided it is paid, whatever the nature of that leave. You can explain your reasons, but in the end you cannot force them to allow you into the workplace, and those here telling you they can't force you to take leave are wrong.

Does your company have an Occupational Health service they use?

As they are suggesting this on grounds of your "welfare" then I'd ask for referral to OH (you may be able to self refer). Explain to them what you've explained here and that you are coping well. They can rubber stamp that it is good for your well-being to remain in work at present

Thank you. I’ll try this

everyone responds differently in situations - I’d imagine in fact that this is coming from a (misplaced) concern and wanting to make sure that you were supported, which can sometimes have the opposite effect that someone then doesn’t feel listened to.

fwiw my understanding if that there is no change to your objectively measured performance they would be hard pressed to force you to take compassionate leave, especially if it’s unpaid.

In your shoes, I’d be frank with my manager, explain that work provides a counterbalance to the home situation, is supporting your mental health and isn’t affecting your performance. If at any stage this were to change you would be straight back but you appreciate their concern for your well-being.

What is your policy re compassionate leave?

usually paid for x number of days. And it’s not many

They would pay me in full for however long I wanted to be off so pay isn’t a concern. I just don’t want to be off

There is no legal requirement that it’s paid

This won’t be what is written in your contract.

have you checked your contract?

The handbook refers to “reasonable time off is paid in full” which is vague.

It may be that they're worried you feel you CAN'T take the time off and want to make sure you know you can if you want to 💐