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Original poster

To think perusing my career is just not worth it

55 replies

thornberet · 20/03/2023 17:52

I was put up for redundancy while pregnant with dc1 - it was blocked by the Union because it would have been discrimination (did not follow proper procedures). They also ballsed up my return to work by indicating that flexibility working request was accepted, then turned around the week I was due wasn’t - union involved again - it was accepted.

Returned to work at what is on paper an extremely family friendly job - it was always remote with the option of going into the office for meetings. All was well.. then after about 8 months they add a new office attendance requirement. I bend over backwards to meet it despite living far away and requiring overnight childcare (have to stay over the night before). Then they ramp up the workload.. say I’m not meeting my targets, you know the drill… the beginning of being managed out.

This is literally the most family friendly type of role in my industry - it doesn’t get any better. I earn a tiny portion of what dh does, however I do really value having a break from DC and a bit of alone time and the change of pace doing something that’s not domestic. I’m worried I might get lonely and resentful being a SAHM, however Dh has a big job, is away three nights a week (If I wasn’t working I could go with him sometimes). Our work event schedules have been clashing, meaning we need to be in London at different times and the admin of it all is super heavy.

I am pregnant with DC2, just been signed off work due to sickness and another pregnancy complication. Ideally I would like to work until mat leave, come back, try again and reassess, but my managers have decided - I think - that as a part timer and primary caregiver i’m a liability and they want me gone. I don’t want to put myself through the process of being torn to shreds and managed out. I am a solid (not outstanding admittedly) employee but my confidence is pretty shot already. To leave will mean admitting that a career in this industry doesn’t work for family life - i will probably be a sahm (expensive as I feel I really need some childcare still) for a while and then retrain.

I know there are people who will say dh needs to step up and take days off when dc is sick etc but he is the breadwinner and is going for promotions etc.

I’m just looking for advice really. Should I just hand in my notice and forget about trying to play the game? Should I stall as long as possible to get to the magic 15th week? I could possibly push for a settlement given their track record (this was the advice from pregnant then screwed). I have a union rep. I could file a grievance (loading me up with work and then putting me on performance management) I just don’t know if its worth the stress when the inevitable outcome is I’m left pregnant without a job.

I should add that early pregnancy makes me depressed, as well as sick, which I’m getting help for.

Sorry for the rant, love you guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
thornberet · 20/03/2023 17:53

*the week I was due back to say flexible working request hadn’t been accepted

OP posts:
swanling · 20/03/2023 20:50

I would try and ride it out, personally. But I'm not you.

I would observe that the key words in this sentence of yours are "I think" - you're mind-reading and filling in gaps based on low confidence rather than facts:

"Ideally I would like to work until mat leave, come back, try again and reassess, but my managers have decided - I think - that as a part timer and primary caregiver i’m a liability and they want me gone."

That sounds like the critical voice in your own head speaking rather than a reflection of what is happening. Depression does that.

What would you retrain as?

Original poster
thornberet · 21/03/2023 11:27

No unfortunately I think I’m right about management @swanling - my direct line managers are ok but they are under the thumb of the higher ups. They may back off because of the pregnancy (fingers crossed), but I fully expect to relaunch the ‘make thornberet leave’ campaign once I’m back from mat leave. The fact is that competing with people without kids and the commitments and hassles that come with that is super hard. Also the fact that I live far from the city I work in - what is barely an inconvenience to most of my colleagues is a major admin headache for me. That’s not my employer’s fault. I want to be a good employee but if dc’s ill, that’s it. Or if a family member can’t come stay over while I travel up for an event, that’s it, I can’t go to the event. I need a third parent basically.

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 21/03/2023 11:29

Do you want to be in your current career or would you be happy to do something else? If yes then stay until you go on may leave and just don’t go back. Then take the time to retrain/set up a business.

Original poster
thornberet · 21/03/2023 11:52

I do like what I do and am good at it BUT the field is very competitive, not well paid (think media) and really requires you to give yourself over to your career. I just don’t feel like I can manage raising two small people and remain competitive in this field. There’s a possibility of freelancing but it will be very much ‘dabbling’ for the career continuity rather than the money. I hope I last until mat leave anyway- it feels very bad sticking around somewhere once they want you gone

OP posts:
Original poster
thornberet · 21/03/2023 11:54

Also most of the ‘good’ jobs are in big cities- dh especially is very set on us living rurally as we can afford to buy a house and like the lifestyle

OP posts:
Avarua2 · 21/03/2023 12:02

It passes, this feeling of "it's too hard". You have 30+ years of working life. Don't give in now. Get help: if you need a 'third parent' then you can outsource that. Stick in there and just accept that (a) it's going to be tricky for a while to find energy/enthusiasm/balance, and (b) you're not going to be super-productive but you'll be okay.

Avarua2 · 21/03/2023 12:07

My main advice is to leverage what you understand to be your core skills (I'm guessing it's writing or comms or media of some sort) into the highest paid roles possible. Look for 'money' industries. They're often not glamorous. Think banking, property, oil and gas, manufacturing. Follow the money.

pjani · 21/03/2023 12:08

If you think they are discriminating against you because of your pregnancy, then it's worth trying to pursue a claim so that, at the very least, they know they can't do this to another woman.

I know it sounds very stressful though. What's the union advice or could you speak to an employment lawyer? How laborious is it to put in a claim? Could an employment lawyer write a strongly worded letter suggesting they can pay you out for X month's salary?

GCWorkNightmare · 21/03/2023 12:17

How have you ended up living so far from work?

GCWorkNightmare · 21/03/2023 12:19

thornberet · 21/03/2023 11:54

Also most of the ‘good’ jobs are in big cities- dh especially is very set on us living rurally as we can afford to buy a house and like the lifestyle

How much of a breadwinner is DH if you can’t afford a house in any city?

Snowglobed · 21/03/2023 12:21

If you aren't super passionate about remaining in the field then perhaps it is time to look elsewhere, if its because things are impossibly hard with little ones and balancing then it does get better- albeit not for a while. Personally I'd start exploring what transferable skills I have, what I want to be doing and be planning to consider whether part time in a different role would be easier for now. It doesn't have to be this job or nothing unless that's all you can see yourself doing. If freelancing was possible though sounds ideal?

GCWorkNightmare · 21/03/2023 12:21

Can DH afford to keep your pension going if you quit? These gaps in employment impact on the rest of your life. I fought tooth and nail to keep working when DD was small and DH worked hundreds of miles away. Be careful what you are wishing for.

elodiesmith · 21/03/2023 12:28

I'm also questioning myself. My mat leave ends in June, I really can't decide whether to go back.

I'd love a break from my DC but at the same time isn't working THEN looking after a child would be v stressful?

I'm also retraining.

How old is your born child? What are you retraining in?

fruitbrewhaha · 21/03/2023 12:28

There's quite a lot to unpick her.

Firstly, if your career doesn't not pay well, then you do need to work out if its worth it. That doesn't necessarily mean financial, but if you are being treated badly, having to travel and stay in London (which must cost a fair bit) is it worth staying in this role. There are lots of other people you could work for, and plenty of other career options.

elodiesmith · 21/03/2023 12:29

GCWorkNightmare · 21/03/2023 12:21

Can DH afford to keep your pension going if you quit? These gaps in employment impact on the rest of your life. I fought tooth and nail to keep working when DD was small and DH worked hundreds of miles away. Be careful what you are wishing for.

Isn't technically DH's pension is her pension, too?

As he's ramping up his career (mentioned promotions etc.) he will be earning more money hence more pension. Half of his pension is OP's.

GCWorkNightmare · 21/03/2023 12:33

elodiesmith · 21/03/2023 12:29

Isn't technically DH's pension is her pension, too?

As he's ramping up his career (mentioned promotions etc.) he will be earning more money hence more pension. Half of his pension is OP's.

Show quote history

Only if they don’t divorce in say 5 years. She quits, he climbs the ladder. His pension will be worth a lot more in 30 years than in 5 so she would miss out, for life, for a short term decision. He wouldn’t.

very bad idea to put all the eggs in one basket IMO.

DarkShade · 21/03/2023 13:35

I wouldn't stay in this company if they're going to treat you like this, it will just lead to stress while your kids are young. But definitely don't quit work if you don't want to. If I were you I'd try to ride it out for the mat leave pay and then when you're back start applying for other roles. If your direct management like you but get what's going on they'll be glad to write you good references. The key is to identify your key skills and then look for work that will be flexible and part time using those skills.

If you want to go back into your industry later and and you can, perhaps explore also doing the occasional commission in your current industry to stay in the field.

The early years go fast, soon you'll be dropping two kids off at school and coming home to an empty house, and you still have decades of working life ahead of you. If anything did happen between your DP and you, then you'd be fucked.

Ohhlavache · 21/03/2023 13:40

I am exactly the same @thornberet
DH earns well
DH travels with work
I work in a male dominant field with little flexibility
I was made redundant
I can't find a new job at all. Flexible or inflexible - nothing at all.

I have given up on my career and now I'm just seeking "any old shit" to help me out in the big wide world and not isolated at home.

Ohhlavache · 21/03/2023 13:41

Oh gosh sorry for my typos!!

LadyLapsang · 21/03/2023 14:27

You mention a lot about what your DH wants - he has a ‘big job’ but wants to combine it with living rurally and presumably a long commute. Not sure how being a dual career family fits with that when you work in media. I think you should make the effort to lean in for the rest of the time you are in work before mat leave, then reassess. In the scale of a career, the early years are a short term pressure. Mumsnet is full of women who thought they could walk away from their career only to return five or ten years down the line - many give up or end up underemployed. I do know one or two people who have taken a break and returned to a senior level, but they had good qualifications, skills and solid senior experience and really supportive husbands.

elodiesmith · 22/03/2023 05:55

'Only if they don’t divorce in say 5 years. She quits, he climbs the ladder. His pension will be worth a lot more in 30 years than in 5 so she would miss out, for life, for a short term decision. He wouldn’t.'

Future earnings/earning power is also considered during a divorce @GCWorkNightmare

LadyWithLapdog · 22/03/2023 06:23

I’d try and manage the next few months till M/L. Many things can happen in the year afterwards and the workplace might look different.

NoSquirrels · 22/03/2023 06:32

I know there are people who will say dh needs to step up and take days off when dc is sick etc but he is the breadwinner and is going for promotions etc.

Well, as you already know it I won’t say it.

But you do appear to have an unsupportive husband who wants what he wants (rural living) and you also appear to think his career is fundamentally more important than yours (payscale aside) and you’re dumped with all the responsibility of managing childcare and logistics. I’d consider strongly if that’s a good position to be in as an individual. Or if I needed to focus on improving this aspect of life first.

Is ‘my job was always supposed to be fully remote’ 100% true? - if it was, then getting you into the office would be a contractual change they’d need to defend, and you could push back on this. In my kind of career, which sounds similar to yours (London & big city based, media-ish and not highly paid) truly remote jobs were rarer than rocking horse shit pre-pandemic and now there’s an office expectation again because the underlying contracts never changed - the pandemic was a WFH FT blip.

Anyway, I’d 100% hang on to be ‘managed out’ and push for a settlement, if you’re determined to quit. And I’d expect more of my DC’s father in taking some parenthood flex hit to his career.

QuinkWashable · 22/03/2023 06:36

I think I'd see it out, just because if they're trying to manage you out, then you may as well play that game too, and get the maternity benefits on top.

Unless there are no decent benefits? In which case, fuck it and enjoy your maternity - is your DP a DP or a DH, because by prioritising his career like this you are leaving yourself extremely vulnerable (I know this from personal experience)