To think perusing my career is just not worth it

[thornberet]

I was put up for redundancy while pregnant with dc1 - it was blocked by the Union because it would have been discrimination (did not follow proper procedures). They also ballsed up my return to work by indicating that flexibility working request was accepted, then turned around the week I was due wasn’t - union involved again - it was accepted.

Returned to work at what is on paper an extremely family friendly job - it was always remote with the option of going into the office for meetings. All was well.. then after about 8 months they add a new office attendance requirement. I bend over backwards to meet it despite living far away and requiring overnight childcare (have to stay over the night before). Then they ramp up the workload.. say I’m not meeting my targets, you know the drill… the beginning of being managed out.

This is literally the most family friendly type of role in my industry - it doesn’t get any better. I earn a tiny portion of what dh does, however I do really value having a break from DC and a bit of alone time and the change of pace doing something that’s not domestic. I’m worried I might get lonely and resentful being a SAHM, however Dh has a big job, is away three nights a week (If I wasn’t working I could go with him sometimes). Our work event schedules have been clashing, meaning we need to be in London at different times and the admin of it all is super heavy.

I am pregnant with DC2, just been signed off work due to sickness and another pregnancy complication. Ideally I would like to work until mat leave, come back, try again and reassess, but my managers have decided - I think - that as a part timer and primary caregiver i’m a liability and they want me gone. I don’t want to put myself through the process of being torn to shreds and managed out. I am a solid (not outstanding admittedly) employee but my confidence is pretty shot already. To leave will mean admitting that a career in this industry doesn’t work for family life - i will probably be a sahm (expensive as I feel I really need some childcare still) for a while and then retrain.

I know there are people who will say dh needs to step up and take days off when dc is sick etc but he is the breadwinner and is going for promotions etc.

I’m just looking for advice really. Should I just hand in my notice and forget about trying to play the game? Should I stall as long as possible to get to the magic 15th week? I could possibly push for a settlement given their track record (this was the advice from pregnant then screwed). I have a union rep. I could file a grievance (loading me up with work and then putting me on performance management) I just don’t know if its worth the stress when the inevitable outcome is I’m left pregnant without a job.

I should add that early pregnancy makes me depressed, as well as sick, which I’m getting help for.

Sorry for the rant, love you guys.

Is there any scope for freelancing BTW?

That's how I kept my career going through kids and a (now ex) DP who's job was so much more important for him to keep happy, since he was working for us as a team, so it benefitted us both for him to concentrate on it while I did all the grunt work with the kids. It was (and still is) massively stressful, and my life is timetabled to a massive extent - but it means I'm not dependant on an unreliable ex and I won't be in poverty in my old age because I gave it all up for him and he took it all and ran!

I know what you mean OP, because not dissimilar boat in some ways.

I have a job that can never be a career because of DHs career. Unfair yes but he earns more so …

And I have been managed out in a previous existence and it’s impossible to fight forever, the most you can do is slow them down I’m also pregnant at the moment. I think I’d hold off any big decisions for that reason but on balance I’d say YANBU.

I would certainly work until your mat leave OP.
I had a mat discrimination case years ago. It cost me in terms of employment after I tried to go back to work. I was seen as trouble even though I won a huge settlement. I personally would never advise anyone to go down that route. I would always suggest a hand shaking settlement.
I live rurally and have done so since my second DC. I have always worked in London. It used to be a problem for employers. They thought I would be itching to get home. Now with wfh it doesn't matter. I did have that elusive third parent in my father who was widowed in his 60s so looked after the children. He found two, too much so bare that in mind.
There are lots of business support schemes running at the moment if you have an idea for a company. I would enjoy your maternity leave and decide then. It doesn't sound if you will be financially stretched but I personally find not working effects my mental health. It is also a waste of a good education/skills.

THIS

I'm in a similar boat but currently desperately job hunting since redundancy. How can DH pay into my pension? We'll have to do have a Google. My DH is keen to do that for me...

Thanks @GCWorkNightmare - such a good idea.

Your DH might want rural living but he won't be the one at home with two small people day in and day out having to drive everywhere.

Set up a SIPP or something and pay into it.

And it will always be that men earn more if women keep taking a back seat/diminishing men’s parenting responsibilities.

Speak to Pregnant Then Screwed

Don't hand out your notice.

Instead document everything. It sounds like they have a record of discriminating against you for going on maternity leave and of trying to force you out.

Plays the system, get your maternity and hold on.

Then if they want to ''get rid of you'' they will have to pay you a settlement and your should threaten legal action for discrimination.

Don't leave without getting that out of them.

Dinosaur employers who think it is OK to keep treating women this way deserve to be challenged and to have to pay up...

Guessing you mean “ pursuing” OP

Do you feel really good about yourself, now?

Oh for goodness sake! It was probably predictive text anyway but I just pointed it out.

We have no family in London, would have no possibility of a spare room for family to stay over, and costs of housing and childcare are sky high. That is why we moved - nice country primary schools and a house/garden big enough to swing a cat. If we were living in London we would rarely see dh anyway because of his long hours and he would still have probably and hour commute. He currently works from home two days a week, which is nice. Added to which our hobbies are things like mountain biking and hiking - we never really enjoyed the city lifestyle and were always looking for weekend getaways. Sometimes I get lonely and feel sorry for myself because he is away so much but ultimately I think its best for our family. We are also relatively young parents(for london), so dh is still climbing the ladder and not earning as much as he will be in 5 years on his current trajectory (to answer the question about why we can’t afford a house in London - we could, but it would be a squeeze both space wise and financially).

Why didn’t you take the redundancy? Is that offer still on the table?

Sorry, you said “a city”. I wasn’t sure why Birmingham, Cardiff, Bristol, Leeds etc weren’t options. London is obviously a bit different but living in any city would surely give you options.

I live about 20 mins outside of Cardiff in glorious countryside. I work across England and can easily do a day in London without needing to stay over. DH and I have had London based jobs for years without it being too much of an issue.

I am feeling much clearer today after feeling very sick, lonely and down last week. Ultimately, I only get statutory mat pay and I have already forfeited some of that by being off sick, so I’ve decided to let go of the idea of ‘getting to mat leave’. It would be nice, from a career continuity perspective, not to have the gap in my CV but it’s not the end of the world if they let me go before then.

If I wasn’t pregnant I might ‘lean in’, work extra hours to meet targets and move heaven and earth to make it to events but I just feel burnt out. I can barely look after myself and dc I have nothing left to give them.

I’m going to go through the process of trying to negotiate some more reasonable expectations in terms of travel and targets but I’m not hopeful. I do think they’re being discriminatory but, unlike last time, its not clear cut and will be hard to prove.

It’s a good idea to have dh pay into a pension for me if I am not earning much, he would be fine with that and would give me some security. I think I will give freelancing a shot. I’m pretty sure I won’t earn much (maybe ever) but if I could find a way to make enough to pay for some childcare that would be a win, and then by the time the kids are in school I might have a bit of a client base and could ramp up. I used to think it was much more secure to be on staff but perhaps in my circumstance (with dh covering the bills) it would be a better choice in return for the flexibility.

Thank you for all your responses.

@3luckystars I would have got more in mat leave pay than redundancy (under 2 years) , I still wanted my job (covid related redundancy so I correctly predicted business would return post mat leave) and I didn’t want to be jobless while visibly pregnant. So far it’s not on the table but I think a settlement is similar to redundancy if I have enough of a case to go that route.

Sounds great. Yes I could probably do a day in London (with someone to come and cover childcare early morning and late evening) but a lot of the requirements are evening events which finish too late to get home.

@GCWorkNightmare how often would you travel into london in your london based job? Just out of interest.

wait til you are coming back from mat leave..

equally why live rurally because dh wants too. .. what about what you want..

Current role I am regularly there.

In the last 4 weeks:

week 1 - 1 day Birmingham, 1 day London, 1 day Bristol, 2 days at home
week 2 - 2 days Norwich (7 hour drive each way so needed an overnight), 1 day London, 2 days home
week 3 - 2 non-consecutive days London, 3 days home
week 4 - 1 day Birmingham, 1 day London, 1 day Warwick, 2 days home

Ok this is super impressive. Is your travel time included in your work hours? (Mine isn’t) and you can manage to do school/nursery pic ups around this? No shade I’m just wondering how it all fits together.

I haven’t decided about the retraining. Part of me wants to do something practical like occupational therapy or speech therapy but it’s quite a departure. The other option is to ‘follow the money’ within my current skill set but that will be very hard while remote and part time..

If I were you I would go back just to see, there’s always to option to quit if it doesn’t work out. Personally I find it more tiring to look after dc all day than to work and then do tea/bedtime, but everyones different.

You seem to have sacrificed a lot for your husband and you sound unhappy for it. I'm sure there's a compromise that would work better for everyone, primarily moving somewhere less remote.

You need to live somewhere that you have the chance to work and where you can source wraparound childcare.

This is as much your husband's problem as it is yours. Don't excuse him from parenting responsibilities just because he'll make more money at some arbitrary point in the future. It's HIS work schedule that is causing YOU problems.

If you aren't in the financial position to "have it all", then you can revisit the huge garden/country pile once he's secured his promotions. You will always take a back seat if you let it be that way.