Help with new colleague

[Diamondjoan]

Hi all, at my wits end with a new colleague - professional financial services role, reports to me, woman of about 30 - not British (Eastern European) if relevant. She is openly hostile and unfriendly, rude, arrogant and quite frankly unpleasant a lot of the time - although does have periods of being very sweet and is great at her job. When she started here I was aware she was new in the country and knew no-one, I invited her to my house, to go for lunch or some events at weekends to help her settle into the country - she absolutely nailed that shut and said it was totally inappropriate to have offered that and she had no interest whatsoever in meeting up outside work and that I was being weird even going there! So I dropped that offer and continued to try to be friendly and kind to her in work to make her feel welcome. Sometimes she responds positively and will chat normally, other times she will roll her eyes, sneer or tell me to mind my own business. She is the most difficult person I have come across - I want to make it work out for her as she is a great worker and came to Britain from a difficult situation. But it’s reaching a point where the only way that we will get along is by not speaking, ever. Which as her boss is not going to work. She walked out of a performance review meeting last week, saying it was bullshit and she didn’t even know if she will be here in a month. I haven’t outright fired her as I suspect she may have ASD, or ADHD/ODD, or something causing the behaviour that she cannot control or help. I also think she had something very stressful in her home life as she mentioned her husband a few times and stress that he is causing her. In any event I would like to be able to reach her, or connect with her rather than just ditching her. Any tips for making a connection with an EXTREMELY hostile person who has me on eggshells? Thanks!

ADHD or not, if you cannot communicate with her and she is abusive to you, you need to let her go. If you have other employees it would also be fairer on them, nobody should be put on the receiving end of nasty aggressive behaviour due to culture or disability.

Having issues seldomly, ok as long as adaptations make harmony possible at work. All the time? No, absolutely not, you also have to think about how her behaviour affects the team as a whole.

She walked out of a performance review meeting last week, saying it was bullshit and she didn’t even know if she will be here in a month
that would be the end of it for me, what did HR say about this?

Exactly, HR will have noted this and should take appropriate action. What did they say when she walked out?

I haven’t involved HR as it would be the end of the line as she is on probation still.

performance review - build her confidence about what she’s doing right and ask her directly to work on fostering interpersonal skills. Give examples like saying ‘good morning’ on entering the room, doing x instead of rolling her eyes.

Let her go. I suspect you both are not a good fit for each other…

@MonkeyMindAllOverAround she doesn’t behave as badly with other team members - they don’t interact with her as often as I do and she seems to tolerate them more than she does me - maybe it’s because she has become more familiar with me and feels she can speak more candidly to me (during the first few weeks we probably spent 30 hours a week together training, in meetings, travelling to clients).

But surely in a performance review HR should be present, to protect both parties? Unless you’re a very small company that doesn’t have a proper HR?

@flabbygoldfish I don’t think we are a good fit for each other, I actually said to her last week that we could not have more extreme personalities and said we need to work together to find a middle ground and get along - she laughed and said no we don’t need to get along 🙄

If you are managing the team, it won’t be long before your team starts disrespecting if you allow her to treat you like that. She may get abusive to other people as soon as she gets more familiar with them too.

@jacult - no, it’s a big MN, 10,000+ people in the UK - we don’t have HR at performance reviews

Are you her line manager? Could she be after your post?

She doesn’t do it in front of other team members, I wouldn’t tolerate that for one second and would absolutely slap her down like she wouldn’t believe if she did. It’s one to one, on teams meetings, in meeting rooms, or when travelling etc

@MichelleScarn no definitely not in that position

I think you need to be concerned with protecting yourself in this situation. Document every issue, with evidence as much as possible, and speak to HR about this for advice on how to handle someone who is behaving very unprofessionally.

Walking out of a performance review and calling it bullshit is surely a big issue, warranting a serious warning or even dismissal.

Ok so you don’t need to get along & be besties but there does need to be respect & professional behaviour no matter what.

I have had managers in the past who I would not choose to spend free time with & had nothing in common, but it’s no excuse for obnoxious behaviour like walking out of a performance review.

Not sure why her nationality would be relevant

It’s clearly not working, contact HR to advise on the next steps.

You need to act the same in front of colleagues as on a one to one. But - and I am saying this from experience - this will NOT get better and your best bet, truly, honestly and on my kids' lives - is to involve HR, fail her probation and get rid of her while you can.

I would get rid of her while she is on probation. She's simply not a good fit.
If she behaves like this at the start, when people are usually on their best behaviour..then how much worse is she going to get?!

I am coming to the realisation that I need to start getting formal - documentation everything as you say, losing the friendly tone. I have no problem going to battle when needed - I just know that with a person like her it will be the beginning of the end as she will meet me head on and will ultimately have to lose. I was hoping to find another way to reach her but can’t seem to find it!

@PinkFrogss the relevance is that there is a definite cultural and workplace difference to British people, and she is also coming from a difficult situation (caught up in the war)

She is on probation, she is not willing to work well with her boss (you)

Time for her to go

If she’s still on probation and behaving like this, I would honestly bin her. It will only get worse.

I have only ever had one team member who behaved as poorly as that, there were several reasons for it, one of which eventually turned out to be ASD.
In the end I had to have a totally frank conversation with him, indicating that certain behaviour was not acceptable and he had to shape up or he would fail probation and lose his job.
On the basis of what you have said, where I work, she would be failing her probation on the grounds of her behaviour. In which case the mid probation review would be sent to HR and there would be an action plan as there is a potential dismissal.
I would probably have another performance review meeting - make it clear that it is a company requirement, it is documented and will have an impact on whether or not she passes probation.
Make sure she understands that she does actually have to pass probation. Some people think it's a bit of a formality.
Also make it clear that, even if you personally dislike each other, you are required to work together in a reasonable manner. Set out the standards of behaviour that are required.
Good luck

My head agrees she has to go - but I really have empathy and always try to find the best in everyone - my heart tells me to keep trying!