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Original poster

Help with new colleague

92 replies

Diamondjoan · 11/02/2023 19:41

Hi all, at my wits end with a new colleague - professional financial services role, reports to me, woman of about 30 - not British (Eastern European) if relevant. She is openly hostile and unfriendly, rude, arrogant and quite frankly unpleasant a lot of the time - although does have periods of being very sweet and is great at her job. When she started here I was aware she was new in the country and knew no-one, I invited her to my house, to go for lunch or some events at weekends to help her settle into the country - she absolutely nailed that shut and said it was totally inappropriate to have offered that and she had no interest whatsoever in meeting up outside work and that I was being weird even going there! So I dropped that offer and continued to try to be friendly and kind to her in work to make her feel welcome. Sometimes she responds positively and will chat normally, other times she will roll her eyes, sneer or tell me to mind my own business. She is the most difficult person I have come across - I want to make it work out for her as she is a great worker and came to Britain from a difficult situation. But it’s reaching a point where the only way that we will get along is by not speaking, ever. Which as her boss is not going to work. She walked out of a performance review meeting last week, saying it was bullshit and she didn’t even know if she will be here in a month. I haven’t outright fired her as I suspect she may have ASD, or ADHD/ODD, or something causing the behaviour that she cannot control or help. I also think she had something very stressful in her home life as she mentioned her husband a few times and stress that he is causing her. In any event I would like to be able to reach her, or connect with her rather than just ditching her. Any tips for making a connection with an EXTREMELY hostile person who has me on eggshells? Thanks!

OP posts:
WeAreAllLionesses · 13/02/2023 01:39

What will end up happening is she'll be nice for a bit and you'll breathe a huge sigh of relief and think you've cracked it.

And then her behaviour will regress and by that time she'll either have passed her probation or you'll just keep making excuses but either way you'll be stuck with an absolute nightmare.

And it WILL NOT GET BETTER - EVER.

You have been warned ..

whatisforteamum · 13/02/2023 20:27

I must admit I always refuse to socialise or even get lifts with my managers.
Sometimes it works out for colleagues other times the lines get blurred and discipline goes out of the window.
Being direct may be her culture,walking away from a review is just a total lack of respect.

PaulaTrilloe · 14/02/2023 06:08

Am I the only person imagining this employee as Villanelle (sorry not helpful OP!)

rexythedinosaur · 14/02/2023 06:27

Diamondjoan · 11/02/2023 20:19

My head agrees she has to go - but I really have empathy and always try to find the best in everyone - my heart tells me to keep trying!

Stop being so nice. 😆

I do get it, it's hard. But as a manager you have to learn not to let people walk all over you.

What she did in her performance review was unacceptable. She seems to disagree but nevertheless, it was unacceptable. You know this, and she probably knows it too. You have to make it crystal clear.

I would be giving her one more chance and then involving HR. Also, keep a note of everything she does in a private file so that you have it on record when it does go to performance management.

rexythedinosaur · 14/02/2023 06:29

Also - before she passes probation, you can easily manage her out, and save yourself a headache for potentially a really long time.

After she passes probation, you are going to be stuck with her.

plumduck · 14/02/2023 06:29

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2023 19:49

She walked out of a performance review meeting last week, saying it was bullshit and she didn’t even know if she will be here in a month
that would be the end of it for me, what did HR say about this?

Yup this

plumduck · 14/02/2023 06:32

As a manager you need to distance yourself a bit more from the team - sure go out but go home early, that sort of thing.

toucaninjapan · 26/04/2023 08:16

Is she still working with you OP?

Original poster
Diamondjoan · 27/04/2023 13:58

@toucaninjapan - Yes, she is still working with me. Things took an unexpected turn shortly after posting. She came to me, unprompted, and apologised for her behaviour. She then started bringing me whatever she baked at the weekend and we would have coffee and a chat on Monday mornings.
She opened up about herself and I understand her situation a lot better.

For various reasons she had trust issues with me (mainly caused by a language barrier and not being familiar with norms in our workplace in the UK). she told me that she realised her error and that she behaved terribly. There are mitigating circumstances in her life that I now know and I’m happy to put it behind us and move on.

Since then she has made a huge effort and we are on good terms - we even go running together some lunchtimes and she texts me occasionally at weekends or in the evening to check how things are! A bit of a shocker from someone who was so hostile.

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 27/04/2023 14:32

Diamondjoan · 11/02/2023 19:56

I haven’t involved HR as it would be the end of the line as she is on probation still.

You need to report this. You cant manage someone so hostile and disrespectful to you. You can be 100% sure she wouldn't think twice going to HR about you

CandlelightGlow · 27/04/2023 14:43

I'm not a manager but I don't think you can operate on assumed diagnoses, can you?

As in, you can't make excuses based on her behaviour for conditions she has not declared or has not sought help with?

What have you done as follow up when she has walked out of performance reviews?

CandlelightGlow · 27/04/2023 14:45

Diamondjoan · 27/04/2023 13:58

@toucaninjapan - Yes, she is still working with me. Things took an unexpected turn shortly after posting. She came to me, unprompted, and apologised for her behaviour. She then started bringing me whatever she baked at the weekend and we would have coffee and a chat on Monday mornings.
She opened up about herself and I understand her situation a lot better.

For various reasons she had trust issues with me (mainly caused by a language barrier and not being familiar with norms in our workplace in the UK). she told me that she realised her error and that she behaved terribly. There are mitigating circumstances in her life that I now know and I’m happy to put it behind us and move on.

Since then she has made a huge effort and we are on good terms - we even go running together some lunchtimes and she texts me occasionally at weekends or in the evening to check how things are! A bit of a shocker from someone who was so hostile.

This sounds a bit inappropriate tbh. Is there no middle ground between hostility and boundary crossing closeness?

Original poster
Diamondjoan · 27/04/2023 17:01

There is no boundary crossing closeness tbh. We have a running club at work, she joined, she runs with us sometimes, sometimes it’s just me and one other colleague, which is sometimes her. We work in a finance function and during month ends/QE we are sometimes working to midnight and beyond (including weekends) dealing with US colleagues. It would be common for colleagues to message each other if we’re online late at night to see how we’re all getting on. Just a bit of chit chat, not BFF stuff - but I’m happier with that than the previous situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondjoan · 27/04/2023 17:12

@CandlelightGlow - no, I’m not making excuses based on assumed conditions, but based on some utterly shitty things that have happened/been done to her that she is struggling mentally with. It doesn’t absolve her of behaviour, but I understand a bit better now her frame of mind and I’m going to give her a pass on it.

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 27/04/2023 19:13

She’s not performing and on probation. I would be keeping it strictly professional because surely it’s inevitable she won’t pass probation?!

Original poster
Diamondjoan · 27/04/2023 19:31

@FiddleLeaf - her work performance is exceptional (attitude aside😅which she’s working on!). That’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to let her go. Probation has already been pushed out 6 months so we will see how it goes 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 27/04/2023 22:26

Diamondjoan · 27/04/2023 19:31

@FiddleLeaf - her work performance is exceptional (attitude aside😅which she’s working on!). That’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to let her go. Probation has already been pushed out 6 months so we will see how it goes 🤷‍♀️

But it isn’t if she can’t sit through a performance review. How do you expect her to take feedback and progress? The red flags are all there… screaming.

Be honest with yourself. Are you after a friend or an employee?

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