Help with new colleague

[Diamondjoan]

Hi all, at my wits end with a new colleague - professional financial services role, reports to me, woman of about 30 - not British (Eastern European) if relevant. She is openly hostile and unfriendly, rude, arrogant and quite frankly unpleasant a lot of the time - although does have periods of being very sweet and is great at her job. When she started here I was aware she was new in the country and knew no-one, I invited her to my house, to go for lunch or some events at weekends to help her settle into the country - she absolutely nailed that shut and said it was totally inappropriate to have offered that and she had no interest whatsoever in meeting up outside work and that I was being weird even going there! So I dropped that offer and continued to try to be friendly and kind to her in work to make her feel welcome. Sometimes she responds positively and will chat normally, other times she will roll her eyes, sneer or tell me to mind my own business. She is the most difficult person I have come across - I want to make it work out for her as she is a great worker and came to Britain from a difficult situation. But it’s reaching a point where the only way that we will get along is by not speaking, ever. Which as her boss is not going to work. She walked out of a performance review meeting last week, saying it was bullshit and she didn’t even know if she will be here in a month. I haven’t outright fired her as I suspect she may have ASD, or ADHD/ODD, or something causing the behaviour that she cannot control or help. I also think she had something very stressful in her home life as she mentioned her husband a few times and stress that he is causing her. In any event I would like to be able to reach her, or connect with her rather than just ditching her. Any tips for making a connection with an EXTREMELY hostile person who has me on eggshells? Thanks!

You've not done anything wrong!!!!

But it's just you all need to adjust to new norms as is the case with any new team member it's just in this case it's all a bit amplified.

I don't think you did anything wrong it's just the same action can be interpreted very differently according to culture.

the fact you are thinking about all this to me says uoure an excellent manager and a great human.

Have you ever been explicit with her about what next steps would be if she doesn’t change her attitude?

I have managed someone identical to this, she was Eastern European and I thought some of the cultural differences were the reason she was so rude and blunt. She too walked out of a 1:1 with me saying she no longer needed to “listen”’to what I had to say as her boss….!

It changed slightly when I very explicitly said to her that if she continues this behaviour then she will need to go- via correct channels obviously- but that her behaviour already was amounting to a formal warning. I told her very frankly and it righted itself for a few weeks then she resigned which was a massive relief.

I can be very direct and pull no punches but she totally flustered me. I’d never met anyone like this in my life. You make it sound like in these 1:1 situations she’s eating you alive and that you’re not being assertive enough…but if it’s like my situation it’s probably shock and awe that someone acts like this!

I’d give yourself one more meeting, be incredibly frank and honest (plan it out before you meet and be fully prepared for a difficult conversation ) and then give yourself a deadline for her to buck up otherwise go to HR and get her out if she’s on probation.

I admire you wanting to get the best out of her and have her excel but sometimes it’s just not right.

Well, there’s Eastern European bluntness and directness, and there’s just rude. You sound very tolerant but she’s been quite rude!

Agh, I feel like David Brent inviting the new girl down the chasers now 🤦‍♂️😂 the efforts to be friendly ceased a while ago now but I will start the transition to a more formal relationship over the next week - she wanders into my office to interrupt me whenever she feels like it and tags along to lunch with me very day (and invariably behaves like a stroppy teenager) - so I’ll absolutely slap that on the head from Monday.

Honestly, it just sounds like she doesn't have any respect for you as a manager. Maybe she doesn't think managers should be so friendly with their workers. Maybe she thinks there should be a distinctive line between the two positions. A lot of managers who also try to be friends with their staff have this issue. It becomes hard to discipline staff members. And it is hard for the staff members to be pulled up on things by someone they thought they got on well with. It gets messy. Blurry. People become resentful, insecure, uncertain about where they stand.

@Canyoudigityesyoucan ha! Sounds like we had the exact same person! I haven’t set out the next steps to her yet - I will give it a week to transition our relationship to a more formal footing then I will start the process proper

she wanders into my office to interrupt me whenever she feels like it and tags along to lunch with me very day (and invariably behaves like a stroppy teenager)

See, it's things like this. You've allowed people to feel like this is appropriate behaviour. When I think about my last manager, I would never have dared do this. But I've had ones before that who acted real friendly and open. But then they would lose their shit about people taking advantage of their kindness. Then go back to be chummy. It's a headfuck working under people like that.

@BadNomad i honestly don’t know if she respects me - she has grudgingly told me that she is amazed with my knowledge/technical ability, but on the other hand she is hostile. I think I got caught in a cultural blindspot and handled it badly - my approach (for over 20 years) has always to be friendly and usually friends with my team - It has never impacted our work relationship and have had to have some very difficult conversations with people I was in the pub with the previous week - and have had to fire a few down through the years. With this woman, its the wrong approach and talking it through here is helping me see my mistakes

Her culture is a bit of a red herring. I know plenty of people born and bred in the UK who prefer or need that manager/staff relationship to be distinctly separate. She is clearly one of those people. In fact, a lot of ND need that too because they will have trouble judging what you specifically expect from them in any moment. So clear boundaries are essential. With her, the important thing is to realise that this particular management style doesn't work for her. Which I know you now know. You just need to figure out if you have the skills to manage her in a way that does work for her, but also doesn't "other" her within the group.

Who'd be a manager eh!

Honestly, bitter experience has taught me it's better to not pass someone's probation than have to try to fire them some months later. This isn't just a cultural difference - she's disrespecting you and the company's requirements, by walking out of a review.

If you let her through probation out of misplaced kindness, she could make your life very miserable for years.

You say she's good at her job, but that would involve respecting her manager and behaving civilly to colleagues.

You need to have a paper trail and call out any poor behaviour. Give her targets. Stop trying to be overly supportive and just be her boss. Tell her that she is unlikely to pass her probation if she continues as your workplace is a team.

You can sack her for being rude but not for being Eastern European - be careful here - this would be described as breaching the Equalities Act - I would stay well clear of cultural differences, focus on the job - she needs to do her job not be your new bestie and walking out of a performance review calling it bullshit may be her opinion but she is required to take part, is it possible she may have misunderstood the purpose of the review - is it possible she thought it was the first step in a disciplinary?

Totally agree and this is exactly what's happened here by the sound of it! Also the transitioning over a week, no just be a manager and manage her. Manage her out if need be but this behaviour continuing is due to inconsistent and poor management. Tell her she's good at her job but her behavior is unacceptable and start Monday, as in tomorrow how you mean to go on.

She walked out of a performance review meeting last week, saying it was bullshit and she didn’t even know if she will be here in a month.

She sounds pretty fabulous, tbf.

Where I worked previously, also large corporate, it wasn’t standard to have HR in a performance review meeting either BUY it was standard to discuss probation with HR if there were issues.
You cannot ‘befriend’ this colleague and I honestly think you have to start covering yourself here. You have to act professionally. Discuss the issue with HR. Let them take the necessary steps to inform her that her probation period is coming to and end and is unlikely to be reviewed. Or if you are willing, that it will be extended for a period, to see if she shows improvement.
Regardless of how good she is at her job, if her personality does not fit the team, she will cause unnecessary stress to you, to the team and to clients.
I also doubt she has a personality change when talking to the team. They have be uncomfortable with her.
In my experience, two out of three Eastern Europeans I have worked with,, were not the easiest of team members.

If you are not her line manager why are you running her performance and probation meetings? Talk to HR and explain that you feel someone else should do this as you appear to be polar opposites and don't want this to colour the process. It is wrong to make assumptions about her having any additional needs, you are already giving way too much headspace to this and it could backfire.

I’d get off the egg shells & tell her recent behaviour is unacceptable then follow up with a letter on concern. You should be telling HR about this too.

You sound like you expect friendship from your employees while she wants professionalism.

Honestly I lean more towards her way of thinking, you have gone straight in with offers of having her round to your house which is odd, you have made several posts about how you see bits of 'sweetness' and 'loveliness' in her.

She doesn't need to be your friend, want to spend time with you or her colleagues outside of work or to conform to your ideas of what a nice and kind person looks like. She needs to arrive on time, know her job, do her job, build professional, productive relationships with her colleagues.

The employee doesn’t sound at all professional.

@BarrelOfOtters she's able to be professional with everyone except the OP according to the OP.

The OP who started their relationship with completely inappropriate over familiar behaviours, now suspects Neuro-diversity in the staff member because she's not able to get on with her, talks about traits like sweetness as desirable and uses phrases like 'I would absolutely slap her down if she spoke to others like this'.

I can't see anything that says how long the staff member has worked there, there is a reference to two more probation meetings the next in 2 months so it's a long probation by the sounds of it.

In my opinion the OP has not set up a professional working relationship with this staff member

OP, you've got the opportunity to get rid of her but you won't take it

What exactly do you want?

It sounds like she's a nightmare to work with but you don't want to get rid of her

Either accept she's the way she is and put up with her or get rid of her

Maybe now is the time to change direction in how you handle her. Look after the team you currently have as the priority. But with the new colleague play by their rules.

No more niceties, just tell her exactly what you expect and require her to do with deadlines. Be firm but fair and with time she may come round and soften up but it will have to be on her terms when she is ready.

Hi all, thanks for the further responses which I have take onboard.
just to answer a few questions that were raised, not in response to anyone in particular.
I am her line manager. She has about 5 months left on her probation. She definitely didn’t misunderstand the purpose of the review meeting.
when I say I will transition over a week I mean I will spend the week being formal with her, totally by the book, not tolerate any rudeness, pull her up on anything inappropriate, and then the following week I will take action (involve HR) if she hasn’t adjusted to the new reality. Fair warning I think is a week to get herself together.
I mentioned ASD/ADHD as I have direct exposure to these and her behaviour (loads of stuff that I haven’t gone into here) is absolutely identical (sorry for the amateur diagnosis, I know it’s not so simple).
The rest of the team think she’s a bit abrupt or abrasive, but put it down to not being British and don’t really care as their exposure to her will be limited - she hasn’t been outright rude to any of them. So far they think it’s amusing and even refreshing.
I definitely and categorically 100% don’t want to be her friend, we’re not compatible that way, but I did want to be friendly at the beginning and make her feel welcome to the company and the country. I totally accept I misstepped and I regret it. I felt sorry for her and misread the situation as her reaching out for help. I pictured myself in her position thousands of miles from home with no one to talk to and I did what I would have wanted others to do for me. I was wrong and patronising, I get it. All I want now is a courteous business relationship.
I don’t want to fire her as I feel partly responsible for creating bad feelings, because she is in a shitty situation overall and because behind it all she is a good worker. But I feel I have no choice in the matter if it doesn’t improve. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts, it’s given me a bit of needed perspective.

"I haven’t involved HR as it would be the end of the line as she is on probation still."
This is what a probation period is designed for- to see if the applicant is good fit in all ways. It's not about just being able to do the job.

@Englishash yes, I understand. HR will be involved when I decide her position is untenable. In our organisation line managers have full authority to terminate (within probation, more complicated afterwards). Escalation to HR is just needed at this stage to offboard her, terminate the contract, collect equipment, escort her out etc. By the time it gets to them it’s all over bar the shouting essentially.