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Original poster

Can you actually have it all?

61 replies

Loveofhun · 01/02/2023 05:57

My DP and I work full time and our 2 Y/Os childcare is mostly through nursery but our parents also help out 1-2 days a week. I have had to take last minute leave 3 times since December to stay home to look after my poorly DS as DPs leave allowance is shockingly low. On 1occasion where DS was supposed to be at nursery, I asked for help from my parents but they didn't want to catch what he had.

I am in a leadership role and there must be adequate management presence onsite during our working hours to support our team. I feel terrible as my absence must be putting a strain on my team. I'm just sitting up unable to get back to sleep now worrying about it. If I went part time, we would struggle financially and I'm not confident this would completely solve the issue anyway. I guess I'm looking for reassurance that this is just part and parcel of being a working mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loveofhun · 01/02/2023 08:47

Anyone?

OP posts:

BCBird · 01/02/2023 08:49

I'm sorry to tell u,and I might be skated for this,but I don't think you can. In the unlikely event that you can,I would say at what cost?

maddy68 · 01/02/2023 08:49

You only "have it all" when you are at peace with yourself.
If you left tomorrow you would be replaced and your name wouldn't be mentioned after a few weeks. That always gives me perspective

It's just a job. Noone on their death bed says they had wished they had worked harder

WandaWonder · 01/02/2023 08:50

What is the answer you are looking for though? Well have different 'all' different work patterns, different relationship set ups, different amount and ages for kids, different family and childcare/school systems

None of would be able to answer really

Moonlightsonatas · 01/02/2023 08:50

It’s impossible to have it all without significant wealth. The only way to manage is to offload life admin but that costs money - getting a cleaner, a secretary, childcare. You’re doing the best you can!

BCBird · 01/02/2023 08:50

Slated not skated. 🙄

bigbabycooker · 01/02/2023 08:52

Well the amount of illness is pretty standard in the first year. It is very difficult if you don't have back up to help you with this. I think you just have to accept using annual leave in this scenario for the early years. Your employer loses some reliability, but your presence is overall the same, as you just have less holiday to take at other times (appreciate for some jobs, teaching etc, it doesn't work like this).

BCBird · 01/02/2023 08:53

I agree wealth. Cleaner etc,someone to fo all jobs that can be farmed out. However if a child is ill, how would that work? As a parent if the child is clingy would you want to stay wuth them? If so this is a dilemma that you may face regularly

bigbabycooker · 01/02/2023 08:53

But yes, there is no "having it all" - it's just finding the trade offs that work best for your situation, unless you are massively massively wealthy.

Lollyloup · 01/02/2023 08:54

OP I'm afraid you're going to get negative replies on here because mumsnet has turned into a very "you shouldn't be ungrateful" kind of place!

I totally get what you mean though. I really struggle with DS and illness and I've got another one on the way. I work 4 days a week and it is a juggle. Not just dealing with illness, but also the washing, the cleaning, the guilt from working, the nursery bills, dealing with cost of living crisis etc etc!

I often feel like what I'm going through now is probably the toughest part of my life in terms of having to be ultra organised and careful with money (I.e when they're at school it's not going to feel like such a strain despite having it's own issues), so basically if I were you just power on through and things will one day get easier!

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 01/02/2023 09:03

It depends on your definition of having it all.

A very senior colleague always claimed she had it all - highly successful career and a family. Her children had nannies 7am -7pm and went to boarding school as soon as they were old enough. This would not have been my definition of having it all, but was hers.

A friend worked part time and felt she had it all - a fairly successful career and more time with the children, but had to compromise her career progression and when she spent time with SAHMs on her non working days they always made her feel guilty that she worked even a few days and wasn't able to do as many things with her DC as they did.

I think it's best to avoid the 'having it all' phrase; work out what's important for you and your family and then ask a better question 'are you happy with things the way they are?'

endofthelinefinally · 01/02/2023 09:17

I don't know about having it all. IME, you can end up doing it all. Something has to give. If you are very high earning (rich) you can outsource a lot of the life/domestic/child care responsibilities. It seems to me from my own/colleagues' experience that women often get the short end of the stick.
I had 3 DC. Highly qualified but made the decision to take time out as DH earning potential ultimately higher. No family support. I worked part time after DC, but eventually managed to get as far as a band 7 post in NHS. I cared for elderly parents and PIL as well as all DC related stuff. I have no doubt I could have done better, faster if I had worked full time.
My view is coloured by the fact that my eldest DC died suddenly. I look back and part of me wishes I had spent more time with the DC and done without something else.
I appreciate everyone's take on life is different.
I suppose what I am saying is that I don't think anyone can have it all. Some people have more choices than others regarding what to prioritise. Some people might be able to end up with most of what they want.

VivaVivaa · 01/02/2023 09:31

Depends what ‘having it all’ means. If it means getting through the first 5 or so years with my career, marriage, friendships and health mostly intact then yeah, I’m hopefully on track. If it’s thriving every single day and being the best, most reliable employee, parent, wife and friend then no, I’m not going to achieve that. We can’t afford a nanny, my work is unpredictable and DS/I get sick too much. Which is all pretty standard I think.

Original poster

Loveofhun · 01/02/2023 09:42

Thank you all, I think I was just overwhelmed with feelings of failure earlier. I already feel guilty working so much but I also feel guilty when I have to let work down. It feels impossible sometimes to get that happy medium.

OP posts:

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 01/02/2023 10:10

It's really hard in the early years and any change in nursery, school etc as the children always get a run of illnesses that they share with you.

In the end i moved to live in support to help and when we had the right person that worked. She could look after the children when mildly Ill, take them to play group and other mum and baby sessions as close to having a parent at home as possible. Obviously I stayed home when children were really poorly.

But I missed out in their childhood

And now my children are grown they say they felt that sometimes they also missed out due to me working full time in a busy role.

Positives they have good work ethics and are on track for great careers

Negatives are one doesn't want children at all and one only if his partner will choose to work fewer hours or be stay at home mum

The advice I give to mothers that work for me is to try to have at least 1 day they can do school pick-up every week. To try to build the relationships with other parents and to facilitate play dates etc.

Live in care was great though when it worked well and I'm still friends with some of the ladies that lived with us. However a couple of them didn't go so well either home sick, not very interested in the kids, or unreliable

One summer we had a couple as our nanny's boyfriend stayed and actually it was lovely. He was great with the kids and made for a fun summer for them.

Hard to miss out on the time with the children though, I don't think you can have it all, you just try to minimise the negatives for the children where you can.

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/02/2023 10:36

Old bird heading towards 60 now
I don't think you can have it all
Something always has to give
I burnt out trying to hold it all together, however looking back my DH didn't help as much as he could or should.

Maybe an exceptional super organised woman with the funds available to outsource childcare, housework and gardening can, but I'm not sure really.

Margarita45 · 01/02/2023 10:47

From my experience, you can have it all, but not without compromising on the level of commitment to something.

For me, I’ve got a decent career, school age DC, we’ll kept house and managing reasonable work life balance. But my god it’s to the determinant of my mental health. I’m run ragged and stressed almost if the time trying to keep all the plates spinning, keep everyone on time, reasonably turned out with all their stuff in tow.

WimpoleHat · 01/02/2023 10:59

You can’t “have it all”, simply because you can’t be in two places at once. If you’re spending time with your children, you’re not working and you’re not earning money and getting career progression. If you’re working, you’re not spending time with your children.

I remember listening to a very senior business leader on radio 4. She was (basically) talking about how she “had it all” - senior job, kids, a stay at home husband, a secretary to make sure sports day went in the diary. And the interviewer then asked her if she felt she missed out on anything. She laughed and said “No, well, exercise maybe.” And it struck me then that she didn’t know what she’d missed out on, which is spontaneity. And that may not be important to her, but it was vastly important to me. Kids are in the mood when it suits them, not because it’s Saturday or you’ve spent a lot of money on a day out. Some of the best times I’ve had with my kids have just happened in the moment- and the things you remember aren’t the
things you think you will ex ante. So I didn’t think - on my terms (no criticism of her or hers) that that lady did “have it all”, really.

As a pp wisely said, decide what’s important to you and do your best to achieve that. I think that’s all any of us can do.

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 01/02/2023 11:06

I agree with a PP that having it all is the wrong way to think about it - it's about what makes you happy. I have much less time with my kids than many on Mumsnet but I am happy with the balance that I have.

On illness - part time wouldn't help you that much, my children seem to have a knack for being ill on our working days..

I think your DP does need to take some of the strain though - he can apply for unpaid parental leave for a block of a week or more to cover planned holidays and then use some annual leave for sickness. And even if that doesn't work, he can still take some leave even if you take more.

P.s. get the chickenpox vaccine done privately

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 01/02/2023 11:12

Negatives are one doesn't want children at all and one only if his partner will choose to work fewer hours or be stay at home mum

Not directly relevant to the thread but it shocks me a bit that it's clear he wouldn't consider working fewer hours or being a SAHD if he thinks it's important

ssd · 01/02/2023 11:19

Thing is. All this outsourcing bollocks. Basically thats saying pay a woman with less choices than you to do the shit you don't like. How does she cope?
So yes, you can have it all whilst pilling your shit onto someone else.

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 01/02/2023 11:34

ssd · 01/02/2023 11:19

But how far do you take this?

I sometimes don't feel like cooking - does getting a takeaway mean that I have piled my shit onto someone else?

This stuff is really about putting women back in their place

GatherlyGal · 01/02/2023 11:37

This period of your working life is relatively short. If you work until retirement age then, relatively speaking, the "small poorly kids" years are just a patch to get through.

It is hard I've been there myself arguing with nursery about having to pick up a toddler in the middle of the day with a runny nose etc BUT it gets easier.

I think it's easy to believe you shouldn't be trying to "have it all / do it all" but why the hell not? Men don't tend to have this dilemma so why should women?

Of course this is assuming you like your job! Now my kids are teenagers I am so grateful I stuck with my career and can now enjoy a challenging rewarding and well paid job.

I did when I had 2 small ones close together reduce my hours which meant money was tight but again it wasn't forever.

GatherlyGal · 01/02/2023 11:40

@ssd what a strange view. We employed a nanny for a bit while kids were little. She loved her job and was well paid. Was that me "piling my shit" onto someone?

We have a window cleaner who comes to clean the windows because I'd rather not buy the equipment. Is that allowed?

HoodieBell · 01/02/2023 11:57

Once they get a bit older it should be easier, does their father feel the same way? Are you taking turns to take time off work to look after them? Because I've heard it's possible to have it all if you have a supportive and equal partner(ship).

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