Can you actually have it all?

[Loveofhun]

My DP and I work full time and our 2 Y/Os childcare is mostly through nursery but our parents also help out 1-2 days a week. I have had to take last minute leave 3 times since December to stay home to look after my poorly DS as DPs leave allowance is shockingly low. On 1occasion where DS was supposed to be at nursery, I asked for help from my parents but they didn't want to catch what he had.

I am in a leadership role and there must be adequate management presence onsite during our working hours to support our team. I feel terrible as my absence must be putting a strain on my team. I'm just sitting up unable to get back to sleep now worrying about it. If I went part time, we would struggle financially and I'm not confident this would completely solve the issue anyway. I guess I'm looking for reassurance that this is just part and parcel of being a working mum.

Mine are 4 and 2. I don't have any answers. It's really fucking hard.

But, my 4yo is worlds easier than my 2yo so I'm telling myself to just get the youngest to school without getting fired and then reassess.

Negatives are one doesn't want children at all and one only if his partner will choose to work fewer hours or be stay at home mum

Please, please tell me that every time he says this you remind him that if that's what he wants for his DC he needs to be open to being the one to ditch the great career he's on track for?

Wise person once said to me you can do anything, but you can’t do everything.

in this world we seem to be expected to work like we don’t have children and parent like we don’t have jobs, it’s simply not possible.

Of course you can't, it's a ridiculous statement and an even more ridiculous concept. All you can do is let go of the things you can (perfect house), outsource where possible (cleaner, childcare) and just accept it will be very difficult when you have tiny children. It does get easier when they are older.

Absolutely agree with this. You can't have it all. Sorry.

Nope. Something has to give, whether career or time spent with your children.

I’m content with my lot - I have a good, middle management job with a supportive boss and earn a good salary. I’m well respected and like at work & enjoy 90% of what I do.

I work four days pw with no family help for when DS is sick, so DH & I have to split any time off. I enjoy the days off with DS, and also see friends, have the odd evening to myself & date nights with DH.

To me, I have all that I want and need. To others, it isn’t what they want or need. It doesn’t mean I don’t get the odd twinge of guilt when DS is off nursery again (we’ve not managed a full week since before Christmas), but I’m not essential to my job - I am to DS.

I prioritise DS, share the load with DH & make up my hours where I need to/can.

We 'have it all' in this sense. We're both in decently paid jobs with flexible working and good colleagues.
We don't have local family support but manage fine.

I think we're the exception rather than the rule.

On paper this is us but honestly we're just both beaten down. Honestly, how do you manage? We're both completely lacking in motivation. All the stuff I know about on paper about prioritising my time etc just goes out the window. Hence being on MN during the working day.

@JenniferBarkley we were at breaking point last year but, honestly, we moved to a new area that was more what we wanted for our family and the whole atmosphere has changed. The location is calmer and it seems to have massively helped our mindsets.

Antidepressants are playing their part too, to be honest!

Ultimately I think our communication and working together has improved drastically. It is exhausting though - there's no getting away from that.

Antidepressants are playing their part too, to be honest!

Ah. This is what I've been contemplating. Thanks. Glad things have picked up for you.

Definitely speak to your doctor. There's a long way to go but I put it off for too long. Good luck

Of course you can't have it all. Nobody can! Those that feel that they have got it all are just satisfied with the balance they have achieved in their life and therefore don't feel that they are missing out on something that they place great value on.

I think people assume that the woman that 'has it all' has a well paid and fulfilling career , spends plenty of time with her children, has time for hobbies, maintains a fantastic relationship with their partner and has an exciting social life. They also must have a beautifully organised and clean home, be on top of everything and have some great holidays.

This just isn't achievable for anybody! We all only have 24 hours in a day and all of these things place competing demands on our finite time and energy. Young children in particular are a time vacuum and will place such a huge demand on you that a lot of the other elements of 'having it all' will have to be deprioritised for a season of your life. Sick children should take precedence over your work for a while but it is important to remember this is just a season of a long working life and the majority of your older colleagues were once like you, struggling to balance it all. The pressure will ease so cut yourself some slack.

What does 'having it all' mean for you OP?

Having it all, for me, meant being able to be at home to be the primary carer for my DC. For my friend, it was having a high paying job that allowed her to have a FT nanny to do that. But can your work FT while having someone else take care of your DC? Sure, if you earn enough. Maybe a nanny would work better for you than nursery/grandparents, if work is your priorty?

You CAN have it all....just not at the same time. And even then you need to be lucky enough to have a supportive partner and/or wealth. Depressing but sadly true.....

@HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow Is your DS willing to ditch his great career to be a SAHD? If not, why does he think a potential partner should?

Not unless one partner works part-time or you're rich.

It's a myth, designed to make women feel like crap.

My career took a hit when my kids were younger. Even at 16, they need me. The house needs me, admin needs me, work need me.

And now my parents and PILs need me so I've dropped hours again.

I'm exhausted and never do one job well. I'd love to move away when the kids go to uni, but now our parents are older, I doubt that will happen. I regret not moving years ago (DH did not want to) and now we feel tied.

My husband's career has not changed. When the kids were little he wanted to go part-time, but his work turned it down. I earn a little more than him.

The issue here is yours and your husbands mindsets.

Your children need their parents. Your PILs don't need you - they need him. The house doesn't just need you, it needs you both.

You say it's a myth that keeps women in their place and that's correct in your circumstances.

I should have made it clear that we both do housework, he helps with my parents and I with his.

I dropped my days because I cannot cope with everything now. Menopause hit at a time when I'm a carer again.

I joke that I'm a shit employee coz I can't mentally or timewise commit 100% and a shit mum for the same reasons...or maybe I'm only half joking 🤔

“Having it all” is a marketing ploy to make women feel bad. You have to have children, you have to have a career, you have to have a happy relationship, you have to look good while doing it.

It’s bullshit.

And why is your first thought about going part time to remedy the issue? Can your boyfriend not change jobs if his leave entitlements mean he’s unable to care for his child?

Short answer is that no, you can’t ‘have it all’. Life is all about compromises.

Dead right!

Yes, I find if you've got kids you can, managers are very understanding. Without kids no, I was told off indirectly even for answering my phone about my partner's metastatic cancer but if you've got kids crack on and answer your phone/nip out etc.

I think the best we can hope for is getting the best balance possible, if you have children and need or want to work. You can't avoid the difficulties of missing work because a child is ill, but you can choose your career and employer wisely, take on as much responsibility as you think you can juggle.

For me, I need to work but also want to, to maintain financial independence. I feel I have as close to 'it all' as possible - both me and dh work full time, at a level that gives us a fair amount of flexibility so we can be around for our one DC, between us we do half school drop offs and pick ups, childminder does the rest. We eat dinner most nights together at around 5.30, we don't work in the evenings or weekends (or very very occasionally). We can afford a big enough house for us, some holidays etc.

We would love more income, to be able to afford more help- cleaner etc, a bigger house and more financial security. But that would have to come at the cost of less free time, more stress, less family time. So for me it's a fine balance and I feel lucky on the whole