Can you actually have it all?

[Loveofhun]

My DP and I work full time and our 2 Y/Os childcare is mostly through nursery but our parents also help out 1-2 days a week. I have had to take last minute leave 3 times since December to stay home to look after my poorly DS as DPs leave allowance is shockingly low. On 1occasion where DS was supposed to be at nursery, I asked for help from my parents but they didn't want to catch what he had.

I am in a leadership role and there must be adequate management presence onsite during our working hours to support our team. I feel terrible as my absence must be putting a strain on my team. I'm just sitting up unable to get back to sleep now worrying about it. If I went part time, we would struggle financially and I'm not confident this would completely solve the issue anyway. I guess I'm looking for reassurance that this is just part and parcel of being a working mum.

Depends what 'having it all' looks like to you.
Illness is unavoidable and children need to be cared for when they are ill. Does your dh do some of these days when one of you needs to be at home with dc?
It reasonable your parents would want to avoid getting whatever it is.

For me, having it all is about getting the work life balance right. I could have a more senior job, have been offered a few but turned them down because right now my dc are small so 'having it all' right now looks like having a job challenging enough I enjoy it and is on the path I want to be on and pays well but that has the flexibility that I can have time off when I need to, can log off and spend evenings with my dc. In a few years when my youngest is older and illness is less frequent I'll go for the promotion. Career may be a few years behind others my age but big picture it makes no difference.

Clearly he felt that his childhood was impacted by lack of time from me. He doesn't feel the same about time with his dad - he would have liked more of his mums time.

That is why he feels if he has children he would like to make sure he can provide for a family that had more mum time at home.

I think that's more reflective of the time he enjoys/enjoyed with me, and didn't have the same joy in the time he was with his dad.

I can only speak for the feedback from my own family, perhaps other dads enjoy time with their kids more than my ex did, if my experience had gone part time he'd have played more computer games and paid less maintenance neither would have benefited the children. But other families will find their own balance

If your question is can you have children and have a career/senior role, the answer is yes. How easy it'll be will depend on the flexibility of the role ( and the child!), but tbh I think everyone struggles with the baby/toddler stage, the sickness is relentless, it's pretty knackering anyway.

All I can say is I found it much easier the older they got and have always been grateful I stuck it out.

Note I was part time until my divorce. I loved having 2 days a week at home with my children.

But things change and life throws challenges.

But I have a great career, a job that I love and will give me a good retirement. I earn much more than my ex now.

I'd rather be honest for those facing the same dilemmas. Accepting that you can only do so much and adjusting expectations is necessary

Some people can have it all, but usually at other people’s expense. They yell and bully, or they get colleagues to pick up the slack and do their work for them (or both). Also, they are constantly taking time off and expecting their colleagues not only to fill in for them but to feel sorry for them. That has been my experience of high earners with kids. It has also been my sister’s experience.

It completely depends on what your opinion of "having it all is"
There are only 24 hours in any one day, how you choose to divy that up is up to the individual on what is a good balance.

Also, some think having it all is about material things. Some think its about physical time, again its a personal thing.

So one persons having it all, is another persons worst nightmare.

Just do what makes you and your family happy, don't look around you for clarification its right.

We don’t have family nearby so really struggled. And realised that it meant we could only have 1 child which was incredibly sad. We just couldn’t have coped with the demands of 2 children when we are both working in professional roles

I think everyone struggles with the baby/toddler stage, the sickness is relentless, it's pretty knackering anyway.

I think this is a really good point. I actually feel more knackered after a week looking after both kids than I do a week at work but I know some people feel the opposite. It's very personal

Exactly this. Depend what having it all means to you. We each pick our priorities and values.

TLDR: no, you can’t. It’s a misogynist lie fed to us by the patriarchy to make sure we STILL have to do everything.

If ‘all’ means ample time with your children, a good career, enough money and a clean and tidy house then I think it is possible in some cases but the circumstances need to be right.

In a 2 parent household that means 100% division of labour and division of funds. That’s not going to happen unless there’s a massive shift in the workspace towards flexible working for men (& men & women insist on it!) so that they can share the responsibilities at home. I think if we can achieve this then the natural division of labour at home will shift too.

A women doing it all is not about having a career alongside doing all of the child raising/house work while DH works a 9-5.