Taking holiday as a consultant and family arguments

verystablegenius · 2022-12-22T07:14:55+00:00

I have a recurring problem that causes endless arguments at home, and keen to get views on how to get better at resolving this problem. I work as a consultant for an organisation and have done for about 5 years. My DW is a civil servant, and we have two children. It evolved in part as it can be balanced well with childcare and my wife and I have had to relocate twice for her work. Every holiday, we have the argument about me not being able to switch off. I work for several units in my organisation and in different time zones. Every holiday time, it crops up that something needs doing at work while my wife is switched off for her work. On one hand, I see this as the flip side of the flexibility that has allowed me to work around childcare, etc. On the other hand, I see how annoying it is. The root cause, I think, is a fear of saying no to colleagues, in part because of my short term contract and also because it must be in my character. I’ve been doing this for 5 years and I’ve always had good reviews/a full portfolio of work It also means that I tend to sign up to too many projects because I want to keep working. How would you recommend I improve the way I manage this? Any advice is welcome

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 07:16

Is t it just a case of you addressing your approach to work? Can’t really see that your DW can do much really until you address your work life balance

Original poster

verystablegenius · 22/12/2022 07:18

I agree that it’s primarily about me finding a way to set comfortable limits around my work with the organisation, but within the framework that my work does demand more flexibility (i think)

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Original poster

verystablegenius · 22/12/2022 07:20

The organisation is headquartered in the US and so the attitude is a bit more American than other organisations

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Herbie0987 · 22/12/2022 07:21

Talk to your wife and try to make it a joint decision, she can give the other perspective.

AuntieJoyce · 22/12/2022 07:23

How much work on holiday are we talking OP? My OH is SE and he tends to do an hour or so on the morning and the old phone call.

I think that’s pretty normal for SE and business Just to keep the wheels on.

HowVeryBizarre · 22/12/2022 07:23

Can you block off some days that you are absolutely not available in conjunction with planning the holidays with your wife? Maybe two days in a holiday week but be available the other three. DH has always worked like this and is now self employed so really does need to answer the phone but tbh he earns a shit load of money so I can get over the inconvenience.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 22/12/2022 07:23

Tbh, what you're describing doesn't sound like a typical "consultant" set up to me? In my industry, a consultant would bill hourly or daily, and they wouldn't be picking up work outside of their agreed billed hours. The flipside of the flexibility they get is that they have to fund their own annual leave/sick pay/pension etc. I think your wife might have a point - you're contracted as a consultant but acting like an employee (i.e. giving them more access to your free time than is reasonable).

AuntieJoyce · 22/12/2022 07:23

*own business

TeenDivided · 22/12/2022 07:24

If you can't ringfence your whole week/fortnight away from work, could you maybe agree upfront one hour every morning e.g. 7am-8am to cover urgent things? So it is known upfront and not encroaching elsewhere?

Don't say where you are going and tell all your work contacts that you have no wifi where you are going so have to connect specially to hotel internet or something?

AreOttersJustWetCats · 22/12/2022 07:26

TeenDivided · 22/12/2022 07:24

If you can't ringfence your whole week/fortnight away from work, could you maybe agree upfront one hour every morning e.g. 7am-8am to cover urgent things? So it is known upfront and not encroaching elsewhere?

Don't say where you are going and tell all your work contacts that you have no wifi where you are going so have to connect specially to hotel internet or something?

This is a good idea - agree parameters in advance. As a consultant, you can do this.

Thighdentitycrisis · 22/12/2022 07:26

My DP who is Self Employed is coming to stay with me over Christmas anc planning on working on paperwork for a couple of days. This is his only holiday of the year and I’m a bit disappointed. So I’m following your thread for some insight

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/12/2022 07:30

My DH admits that he feels he has to work twice as hard as everyone else to maintain his place at work as he siffers badly from imposter syndrome. Meaning he rarely ever switches off- I find this frustrating and it's ground we go over again and again.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 22/12/2022 07:37

An hour in the morning before breakfast, 30 minutes in the evening. And nothing else.
Also, be very careful to avoid using the downtime to think about new roles, rate negotiations, causes in direction, that kind of stuff.
I run a business, and I get it. But it only works when it works for everyone.

CMOTDibbler · 22/12/2022 07:43

Dh owns a business of 30 staff, and I have a crazy US managed job, so I do understand. When we are on holiday we have very clear boundaries about work though- work phones are put away in a drawer and I will check my texts once a day first thing (not my email, I tell people they need to text me if they really need something looking at which means I'm not sucked into stuff).
DH this year needed to do some work every day due to circumstances at the time but chose to do that early before the rest of us got up, and the few calls he had to make were at times we agreed.
You need to agree with your wife what works, but you need to have a proper break too

belimoo · 22/12/2022 07:48

AuntieJoyce · 22/12/2022 07:23

How much work on holiday are we talking OP? My OH is SE and he tends to do an hour or so on the morning and the old phone call.

I think that’s pretty normal for SE and business Just to keep the wheels on.

I agree with this. You can't have the perks of being SE (flexibility) and the perks of being employed (switching off) at the same time unfortunately.

Original poster

verystablegenius · 22/12/2022 08:08

Tbh, what you're describing doesn't sound like a typical "consultant" set up to me? In my industry, a consultant would bill hourly or daily, and they wouldn't be picking up work outside of their agreed billed hours. The flipside of the flexibility they get is that they have to fund their own annual leave/sick pay/pension etc. I think your wife might have a point - you're contracted as a consultant but acting like an employee (i.e. giving them more access to your free time than is reasonable).

you’re right, it’s not a normal consulting arrangement. I am actually a short term employee. How it works is I pick up assignments (20 days here, 20 there) from different managers. In practice a day takes longer than a day, but you can maybe see that the arrangement can be a bit unsettling.

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Original poster

verystablegenius · 22/12/2022 10:51

How much work on holiday are we talking OP? My OH is SE and he tends to do an hour or so on the morning and the old phone call

it’s a but like this but it can be longer (a few hours) and it’s annoying. I’m in a kind of half-way house of employed and also not iyswim.

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AreOttersJustWetCats · 22/12/2022 12:28

verystablegenius · 22/12/2022 08:08

Tbh, what you're describing doesn't sound like a typical "consultant" set up to me? In my industry, a consultant would bill hourly or daily, and they wouldn't be picking up work outside of their agreed billed hours. The flipside of the flexibility they get is that they have to fund their own annual leave/sick pay/pension etc. I think your wife might have a point - you're contracted as a consultant but acting like an employee (i.e. giving them more access to your free time than is reasonable).

you’re right, it’s not a normal consulting arrangement. I am actually a short term employee. How it works is I pick up assignments (20 days here, 20 there) from different managers. In practice a day takes longer than a day, but you can maybe see that the arrangement can be a bit unsettling.

If you've been doing this for more than 2 years then legally you'll be a proper employee, with relevant employment rights etc. That changes the position as the employee/employer relationship is very different to consulting (where you would absolutely be able to draw boundaries) and many employers do expect out of hours work these days (unfortunately). Basically, you need to work on getting a better work life balance where you are, or leave.

Original poster

verystablegenius · 22/12/2022 12:42

Without being too outing, the organisation international (think IMF, Asian Development Bank, etc) so I’m employed under international law rather than UK law

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AreOttersJustWetCats · 22/12/2022 13:10

verystablegenius · 22/12/2022 12:42

Without being too outing, the organisation international (think IMF, Asian Development Bank, etc) so I’m employed under international law rather than UK law

If you are physically doing the work in the UK, you're covered by UK employment law.

And UK tax law as well I assume you pay UK PAYE tax via a UK payroll? (If not, you should be, and your employer should have registered with HMRC)

Aprilx · 24/12/2022 04:03

I think you are hugely misunderstanding the nature of your employment. You are not a consultant, you are an employee, possibly on a FTC but an employee nevertheless. And if you are living and working in the UK you are covered by UK employment law not “international law” there is no such thing.

Twenty years ago when my professional career was starting to take off, people made a point of being “available” whilst on holidays. I think that has gone out of fashion now, when you are on holiday you are on holiday. I would even go so far as to say it reflects poorly on you that you did not hand things over or leave them in a good enough state to somebody else can pick it up.

So your wife is right. You are an employee, when you are on holiday you should be on holiday.

Aintnosupermum · 24/12/2022 04:21

I work in the US. It’s only today that things started to quiet down and we were done at lunchtime. Tuesday-Friday next week is tying up loose ends before year end.

It’s a very different tempo working with Americans because you do work longer hours, you also don’t get as much done during the day because a standard day in my field is 12-14 hours. I have too much fluff in my day for my liking. I am paid very well for what I do, in part because of the long hours.

This whole situation really hinges on how much you are getting paid and how much that income is needed to support your family. I have a funny suspicion you are underpaid. Most contract work in my department is $350-400k per year. Sounds a lot but I might only use someone for 3-4 months to get a project completed. Very few (we had 1 person this year) make more than $200k a year.

Speak to your wife because what they think isn’t wrong. There is a middle ground.

Ursuladevine · 24/12/2022 07:37

What kind of pay are we talking about here OP?

LimeCheesecake · 24/12/2022 07:59

OP - you sound like my DH, in that you aren’t suited to contract work. You do need to be tough enough to say no, confident you have savings and cope with lean times with no work. DH did it for 3 years, and did earn enough to mean I could be a SAHM and we could clear a chunk off the mortgage, but he found taking time off and saying no to work tough.

an in house role came up and while it meant he took a pay cut, it was much better for his emotional health.

over Christmas, can you and your DW have a serious chat about how you arrange your lives - if you can’t switch off, then would it be better for you to be salaried? Would this mean your DW can’t prioritise her career the way she’d like? Can you afford to pay for more childcare for you to have better work life balance? Is there a point when the dcs would be older or when your DW reaches a set point in her career when you wouldn’t need to be as flexible ? could you look at contracting at different companies that have a better respect for your non-contract days? (anything US or Japan based tend to get their pound of flesh more than EU based employers - but you might earn a lower day rate , how low can you afford to go?)

basically - something has to give, it might be her idea of family time on holiday, or it might be you or she earns less, or you get less time with the dcs, but the time you get is when you are able to give your full attention. But current set up doesn’t work for you both.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 24/12/2022 08:13

LimeCheesecake · 24/12/2022 07:59

OP - you sound like my DH, in that you aren’t suited to contract work. You do need to be tough enough to say no, confident you have savings and cope with lean times with no work. DH did it for 3 years, and did earn enough to mean I could be a SAHM and we could clear a chunk off the mortgage, but he found taking time off and saying no to work tough.

an in house role came up and while it meant he took a pay cut, it was much better for his emotional health.

over Christmas, can you and your DW have a serious chat about how you arrange your lives - if you can’t switch off, then would it be better for you to be salaried? Would this mean your DW can’t prioritise her career the way she’d like? Can you afford to pay for more childcare for you to have better work life balance? Is there a point when the dcs would be older or when your DW reaches a set point in her career when you wouldn’t need to be as flexible ? could you look at contracting at different companies that have a better respect for your non-contract days? (anything US or Japan based tend to get their pound of flesh more than EU based employers - but you might earn a lower day rate , how low can you afford to go?)

basically - something has to give, it might be her idea of family time on holiday, or it might be you or she earns less, or you get less time with the dcs, but the time you get is when you are able to give your full attention. But current set up doesn’t work for you both.

The OP is already doing an in-house role though. She may call herself a consultant, but the setup here is one of employee/employer.