Husband going to lose his job but don't know what to do

[Kevinthebird007]

My husband is 58, I am 37. Originally he trained as a jeweller, spent years doing that, then moved into loss management. When we got together 16 years ago he went back to uni to study nutrition and then spent many years working for TfL in customer services.

3 years ago he was medically retired from tfl as he has MS which had made his job impossible to do. He is a full time wheelchair user and also has profound dyslexia. His MS cab affect his short term memory and gives him brain fog.

Earlier this year he applied for another role this time with a charity who provide finance for disabled people. He is a customer service advisor taking calls and referring people onto case managers. The issue he is having is he just isn't fast enough. He can't take the volume of calls others can, he's not hitting his KPIs and on top of that his computer skills aren't great. He's never really had to use one so he's struggling with managing all the programmes as well as the calls. His probation has been extended to February and realistically we both know he won't pass it. He's still struggling and we don't know what to do. If he leaves we will be £800 down a month. I think we can possibly make our outgoings but with energy costs etc I'm not sure we can. He struggles to get jobs, he doesn't interview well as he's quite long winded and not 'trained' for competency based answers. At his age he struggles to get given opportunities and I'm struggling to look forward to Christmas knowing he will most likely be unemployed come February.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm finding it hard not to be snappy and upset - I know it's not his fault but I'm he one who will be taking the brunt financially and while I'm trying to be sympathetic my brain just feels frustrated and angry that there seems to be no job he can do :(

Sorry for rambling but I don't know what to do.

He’s had a lot of career changes. Why didn’t he make a career out of being a nutritionist if that’s what he went back to uni to study? That seems like something that could be done self employed or part time.

What amount of pension is he already getting & will his pension increase at 60 or 67?

Op do you have a clear budget spreadsheet? Your wage, his PIP payments, his current wage, child benefit. Then go into entitledto and put it all in minus his wage. List of every out going. Make sure there's not a penny you're entitled to that you're not getting and that you know where every penny goes. If he's out of work, will it save any money on childcare? . Travel costs? Etc.

Lots of helpful suggestions on here about work and training. Ignore the people questioning your marriage.

Reasonable adjustments have to be reasonable for the employer. The Equality Act does not prevent disabled people being dismissed if the adjustments they would need are not reasonable and they are not capable of performing the role.

There's no legal requirement for an employer to keep someone who can't fulfil their employment contract. It sucks when our society is shit at supporting disabled people who can't work, but that's where we are. Don't waste energy getting into adversarial situations that won't help.

If things are this dire financially, is stand up the right second job? I appreciate it's something for you and it would be disappointing to drop it, but if you're looking at not being able to make ends meet is it not the time to be looking at better paying options for a part time second job?

It sounds like he sold his house to go to uni for a degree he never used? Is that right? In going from job to job, did he ever consider thinking ahead? Can't use a computer? Did he ever do any courses or get the help he needed to learn? I know he has MS but has he actually taken any steps to ensure he is employable because it doesn't sound like it. He sounds a bit shit tbh and not because of the MS. Still in disbelief that he sold a house for uni.
Honestly, aside from making sure you are receiving all the benefits you are entitled to and getting his computer skills up to scratch, I'm not sure there is anything else you can do. What is HE doing to ensure you aren't carrying the entire burden alone?

Being medically retired you aren't supposed to work are you?? Check his benefits are correct

As his MS gets worse you might need to think about claiming carer's allowance and possibily something like looking into council housing?

I have a friend also with secondary progressive MS. She manages quite well, doesn't work, isn't able to anymore, claims PIP ESA and has a small pension.

She got a place in a new build development as some was allocated for the council. So she has a lovely ground floor flat with doors which open for her mobility scooter. She doesn't have children though.

She got her place as a medical need through having MS, might be worth knowing about in terms of council housing. It is good as the rent is low and also she has it for as long as she wants

You might be better posting on the Money Saving Expert forum.

There is a section call debt free wannabes and there are links to posting your budget/ statement of affairs where you post all your incomings and outgoings. There are some really knowledgeable people on there about all things financial and people will comment and question your expenditure rather than your relationship.

Personally I think you should do two things initially, get yourself on MSE and post your budget and go through it with a fine tooth Comb and cut back where you can and also try and keep him employed in his current role.

I think if he could speak to his Line Manager or Union if he is in one about if there is any help or further training that he could have or if there are any other reasonable adjustments that could be made in line with his disabilities then that might be an idea. Is there a employee disability group with that company that he could join and ask for advice? Or could you give him some extra IT coaching if he is stuck or could he ask for a mentor at work?

@Mrsroy2012 takes me ages to type on phone but @Dashel’s post seems particularly helpful.

I’m so sorry that you’re having to shoulder all of this, and at the same time justify your whole lifestyle to the likes of @puffalicious and @GelPens1. They are unbelievable. Talk about “I told you so” judgemental bullies.

Please know that most of us really feel for you.

Maybe you could use some of the juxtaposition of asking for help support about one thing and having people demand that you justify your life choices from 16 years ago (where WAS your crystal ball anyway?) to create humour?
I mean, it is totally absurd ..

Op I think uou need to be just face it. This isn’t going to get better, it will get harder, ss time goes on, as the kids are in primary it’s the time to move. You need to move somewhere much cheaper. Get the kids into a new school and assume it will be your wage and benefits only going forward. Once you have a plan you will be able to at least focus on that.

his illness has changed your lives. They won’t change back . He feels he has to work due to money, but he can’t really And he can’t have this pressure. And you’re trying to stay put and somehow hope a magic job turns up, that will solve it, it won’t.

just make it easy in yourselves and take care of each other.

@CJsGoldfish let me make one thing clear. He didn't go from "job to job". Fuck me, his career is more stable than mine has been. He was a self employed jeweller and designer for many years. However having had a period of about 7 years of never having a holiday and working 6 day weeks as a basic rule of thumb He said that the prices of having to earn from being creative had meant he lost all love for it. At the same time a job came up locally at loss adjusters valuing jewellery. He is a qualified valuer so applied and was successful. Where he stayed FOR SEVEN YEARS. He then went through a divorce and during the divorce the company he was with were making redundancies and asked for volunteers before mandatory redundancies were made. He had thought about a career change from jewelery for a while and saw it as an opportunity to take redundancy and as they were selling the house anyway He used his half to fund his way through uni. A year into uni he developed MS and at that point also found out he was profoundly dyslexic. He hadn't realised he was dyslexic until that point. With both diagnoses he had a bit of a mental health blip, he graduated with a 2:2. I was incredibly proud he graduated at all given what he had to deal with. A lot of the graduate schemes he applied for required a 2:1 as a minimum. He was desperate to work and earn money so applied for a role at TfL where again he remained for 7 years into he was retired medically.

During that time he has used computers. He has a basic understanding of the standard packages but this role requires the use of 5 programmes, and understandably he is struggling with those.

I really appreciate you calling him "shit". That's exactly what I came here for. Not advice or practical tips, but a character assassination of my husband. Jesus christ I wish I hadn't bothered.

I'm sorry to snap but Jesus fucking christ the judgement on here sometimes is out of this world.

Honestly really wish I hadn't asked and just carried this around with me instead.

@Twentyfourlegs thank you so much. It means a lot to actually have a kind word and support. I honestly feel a bit shit having my life choices questioned and my husband described as "shit". I never really talk about our difficulties because i fear judgment and unfortunately my reaching out for help this evening has confirmed that people really do judge.

OP I'm sorry you've had done really awful replies. I dint know what's wrong with people. Frustrated lives di they enjoy lashing out at strangers online I think.

You say your dh has a degree in nutrition. He doesn't need a 1st or 2:1 to work in the field. No one will care. He must have a re interest in that field to have studied it.

Can you go back and look a bit more at his pensions?

If he worked all that time he should have a decent little nest egg saved up. When he moved to TfL did he move it into the Railway Pension Scheme? Or does he have to wait until 60/65 to access it?

The RPS would have been a career average scheme as he’d done over two years, and if done on medical retirement he should have been a fully paid up member.

If it’s not worth the paper it’s written on, then something has gone wrong somewhere. Which Union was he with? Have you queried it with the RPS?

Gosh, I think your DH sounds great and a real go getter too. No wonder the last few years have knocked his confidence. You sound like a strong partnership, regardless of what some other posters have said. I wish you all the best. You’ve been given some good advice. Cannot be easy for you so please look after yourself too.

I have no advice but just wanted to say what a lovely loyal & dedicated wife you are. He didn’t choose this illness & I’m sure he’d do the same for you. You’ll get through it & you’ve had some great advice too.

Good luck.

In some ways you are already well prepared for this. You’re already the primary breadwinner. You know it’s coming in February- the time he really should just stop working and fully retire. Most people won’t make it to 67 so it’s not that shocking he has to retire at 58. He’s had a good run. There’s nothing to feel angry about or upset with him about.

Id do a full assessment of what your income plus benefits will be without his wage and then cut your cloth to match. It’s just what it is. I was medically retired at 39 and haven’t worked a day since then. His career lasted double what mine did. I was the primary breadwinner and my DH a SAHD. He had to step up and become the breadwinner. It all changed for us in a split second as for me it was a road traffic accident that disabled me. Also we rent too as were forced to sell our home in the aftermath (long story).

It’s tough, but I think you are halfway there and can do this. See if you can get a better paying job/pay raise/promotion. Cut where you can. We had to drop down to 35% of what our income was before the accident. It can be done, it’s painful and jarring but you do adjust.

I’ve been doing studies on prolific and earning £50/mo (snort, my hourly wage used to me almost double that). But £50/mo is a help to the family budget with bills going up. He could also get an account and do that.

I think too, you could contact British Gas or your energy supplier about hardship funds in February? They all have funds to assist families in need with bills so you might get a credit to your account?

Really the only thing here is you’re so focused on him getting a job. He likely can’t. I mean that gently . But he has a chronic illness now, stress can exacerbate it, he needs to accept his working life is over and focus on how he can help round the house, how he can support the kids, how he can get enjoyment and happiness in his remaining years, which could be at least anorher 20, if not more. And how you can too.

so sit down together, take the pressure off, tell him to do this role till he is let go, to stop stressing, that you love him and you will make it work. The kids are young enough to move school, that you can move to a much cheaper place, and live happily on your income and benefits.

on a separate note start to think through longer term, how his care will be handled for example, and make peace with it. You clearly love him very much, it’s time to accept, take the job off the table, and now change your lives to allow for his needs.

It must be so hard for you. You fell in love. Your husband is your children’s father. The people hinting (or outright saying) that you should kick him to the curb are unbelievably callous.

Imagine when your children reached adulthood and worked out that you ditched him just when he needed you most.

It’s an incredibly sad situation: but I don’t want to make you feel worse about it

I just don’t know how some people dare say “oh but why didn’t you do this, or that or the other”. As if they are fucking life gurus.

I love the ones on here where they tell OP’s who are struggling on lower incomes that they should have a better paying job.
Like the people working in a bakery or whatever (I’m sorry I don’t mean to be offensive to those people) just didn’t get the application in in time for the job heading up a research lab.
Or “why didn’t you work harder at school?” as if every person on the planet is capable of getting into Oxbridge and then bagging themselves a stimulating, lucrative career.
And breathe ..

@Onnabugeisha and @Logginglogger are talking a lot of sense. And are compassionate.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I want to reply to everyone individually but I have sausage fingers and can't type fast enough.

I think you're right, I need to let the idea of working go. It was so sad to see him retire as he lost all sense of himself - he got very low and that's why we jointly thought that returning to work would help but I think you're all right; we need to focus on him being at home. Before he went back to work he was doing the school runs etc and the boys loved it and I must admit me now trying to juggle 1.5 careers plus the school run, school admin etc it has taken a toll on me mentally.

I'll have a look at our benefits entitlement, pull up our expenditure and see what economising we can do.

Thank you for all your help everyone :)

Sounds like a really tough situation OP, I'm sorry.

Are there any school subjects he enjoys and would be able to teach? Could he look into tutoring? Not sure how his MS manifests and whether he could schedule regular hours either at home or via zoom, but doing 15 hours a week at £20ph would boost your income by 1k a month.

I'm in a similar situation. Met oh in 2005 married in 2009 he was diagnosed with MS in 2014 he has not been in work since Feb and has had to take medical retirement. We are now £1k a month worse off than we were when he was working. I work ft and we have 2 teenagers. I can't increase my hours or get a second job I need to be around to provide care for oh but earn too much to claim carers. We currently claim tax credits with the disability element and I'm dreading when we are moved on to UC as we will lose quite a lot of money.
You might have to rethink your future I know I have I know oh will never be able to work again he is 56. I'm 48 so have another 20 years to work and I can't really see a point in the future where things will improve for us.
I dont have much advice to offer but please make sure you are claiming everything you can, make the children's school aware of the situation they might be able to offer some support and please be kind to yourself

He can be a brilliant SAHD and a good role model for your boys. There’s a lot of satisfaction from that. I struggled too having to retire, and it took a ton of counselling to get past the social stigma of disabled & not working=useless and worthless. But upside was that while I couldn’t do much, I was emotionally available for the DCs, able to do basic things for them, took up a lot of the life admin my DH used to do and you know, I am much happier and content with being in what I call my “second life”. My youngest is off to Uni next year and I’m thinking about doing more in the community,..they have book clubs and I could volunteer to read books to toddlers at the library for story time.

It’s scary taking that leap as a couple, but you do manage it and I think you are well placed to do it. We are now planning for when my DH will retire too as once the DC are fully independent we can rent a teeny tiny little nest and do alright.