Husband going to lose his job but don't know what to do

[Kevinthebird007]

My husband is 58, I am 37. Originally he trained as a jeweller, spent years doing that, then moved into loss management. When we got together 16 years ago he went back to uni to study nutrition and then spent many years working for TfL in customer services.

3 years ago he was medically retired from tfl as he has MS which had made his job impossible to do. He is a full time wheelchair user and also has profound dyslexia. His MS cab affect his short term memory and gives him brain fog.

Earlier this year he applied for another role this time with a charity who provide finance for disabled people. He is a customer service advisor taking calls and referring people onto case managers. The issue he is having is he just isn't fast enough. He can't take the volume of calls others can, he's not hitting his KPIs and on top of that his computer skills aren't great. He's never really had to use one so he's struggling with managing all the programmes as well as the calls. His probation has been extended to February and realistically we both know he won't pass it. He's still struggling and we don't know what to do. If he leaves we will be £800 down a month. I think we can possibly make our outgoings but with energy costs etc I'm not sure we can. He struggles to get jobs, he doesn't interview well as he's quite long winded and not 'trained' for competency based answers. At his age he struggles to get given opportunities and I'm struggling to look forward to Christmas knowing he will most likely be unemployed come February.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm finding it hard not to be snappy and upset - I know it's not his fault but I'm he one who will be taking the brunt financially and while I'm trying to be sympathetic my brain just feels frustrated and angry that there seems to be no job he can do :(

Sorry for rambling but I don't know what to do.

Your DH is 57 and he has MS, realistically he isn’t going to be working much longer regardless of this job ending. You need to re-jig your lives to accomodate that fact, can you downsize or move to a cheaper area for example?

We rent. Could never afford to buy unless someone gifts us a house in a will. Our rent for where we are is cheap; we would have to shift the kids from schools if we moved somewhere significantly cheaper. Anything within the same catchment will have the same rent. We've started to make economies around groceries etc; theincrease in utility bills has come at an awful time though. We were just about managing on his benefits when be was retired but now the bills have shot up we can't survive on those alone. He also became incredibly withdrawn and upset when he retired. He's never not worked. He became a total shell of himself when retired.

I'm sorry to hear that, OP.

I like the sound of your stand up career, though. That sounds worth continuing on a number of levels.

Unfortunately I think the reality is that he won't be able to work for much longer, so it would be worth speaking to someone like CAB to make sure you're both getting all the help you're entitled to.

I second everyone who has recommended a benefits check and would also ask you to consider approaching the MS Society for advice and support.
Also would you consider a Go Fund Me campaign?

Has he asked for a reasonable adjustment and an occupational therapy assessment? He is protected under the equality act and his employer should look at how he can be supported in the workplace.
Was he asked about any health issues when he started?

A GoFundMe Campaign? Are you serious? To pay someone's bills? Really?

OP I sympathise, it seems like you're working your backside off and will be even busier if your comedy takes off.

No doubt be jumped on for this, and you often can't help who you fall in love with, but 21 and 42 for me is a hard one to swallow. My niece is at uni and is 21, my DH is only a few years older than 42 and that concept makes me feel very uneasy.

@Puffalicious appreciate it doesn't sit well with everyone. I'm from older parents, had older siblings and have always found myself connecting with older people rather than those of my own age. I didn't seek him out, he appeared in my friendship circle and annoyingly he both looks and behaves younger than he is (and I am probably old before my time).

I understand its not for everyone but we've been together for 16 years and have made it work despite everything life throws at us.

I accept your point of view though.

Yes he's had an OT assessment. Work knew of his conditions, I think they've only just started to realise the impact of those conditions though.

Yes definately. With rent to pay, one of a couple unfit to work, 2 kids and carers element there is likely to be entitlement to UC unless wages are pretty high.

Unfortunately, I think this is the risk you take when you’re in a relationship with a man who’s old enough to be your dad and develops disabilities within a year of you dating. At 21, my dad was in his early 40s so your relationship (like other PP have said) makes me uncomfortable. I really feel for you having to look after two young dc and your disabled DH whilst working 40+ hrs a week.

I think it’s highly unlikely he’ll find another job unless he searches for job adverts that are part of a disability scheme. I’m really surprised that at 42 (when he started dating you), he didn’t have a stable job and a house.

@GelPens1 appreciate your point of view. However we are here now and after 16 years together I'm not going to end our relationship because it makes a couple of people on mumsnet uncomfortable. Our friends are wholly supportive and we are happy. His MS could have started at any age, sometimes it affects people in their teens and twenties. It's not an age related condition.

He did have a house; he sold it to pay his way through university; something which I think a lot of people would have said was better than claiming a student loan that he would have a chance of never paying back.

I was feeling pretty shit about things but I'm really wishing I hadn't asked for advice now. Apparently I'm having to justify my marriage rather than focusing on the issue at hand.

My brother met a woman 10 years younger than him, she was career minded, him not so. 25 years on, she has MS, diagnosed in her early 30s. She had to stop work completely about 10 years ago.

Thank you for the advice about assessments etc; I'll have a look at those tomorrow and take it from there.

@Soontobe60 that's the awful thing about it. We have seen people at MS meet ups in their 20s with primary progressive MS. My husband has secondary progressive. My grandmother had MS and she was diagnosed in her 30s, bed bound by 40. It's so frustrating when people imply it's an age related disease. It can affect anyone.

If he is seeking work again can he focus on employers with guaranteed interview schemes?
Universities, local authorities etc.

Are there any free IT courses he can access as it sounds like better skills here would compensate for lack of speed elsewhere.

Could he brush up on the nutrition and become a self employed nutritionist?

@Mrsroy2012 I would definitely make sure he's had all the reasonable adjustments for his job.

@Calmdown14 that's not a bad shout actually. I'll get him to look at some courses tomorrow when he's on his lunch.

@WomanhoodIsABirthright ooh not a bad idea actually. I'll suggest it to him :)

@Blowthemandown I'll make sure he asks. He filled in a reasonable adjustments form when he started but I don't know what they're actually doing to support him. They don't seem to adjusted his KPIs,I know that

@Mrsroy2012 my exh is 23 years older than me. Age is ultimately just a number. Our relationship was fantastic for many years and age had nothing to do with us parting.

MS is an evil disease.

I would perhaps speak to your dh's employer with him, there are protections in law that mean they have to accommodate his disability and as they employed him knowing it they would be on a sticky wicket to fire him.

Perhaps speak to ACAS or CAB and get some proper employment advice. Might also be worth looking at his job and come up with a plan for how to help him manage better.

If the computer systems are an issue make sure he asks for support and additional training.

If being pc literate is an issue find some courses he can do to improve.

Speed is a result of his disability, therefore they have to by law make reasonable adjustments to their expectations so worth having an open conversation with them to see how you can both assist.

Could he look to drop a day mid week to allow him to rest maybe which might help him maintain momentum

Sorry, I should’ve phrased it a bit differently because I know that teens can develop MS. I mentioned his age because other disabilities and ailments occur as people get older and then it’s difficult for the younger partner. I am shocked he sold his house to fund Uni though. I don’t think I would’ve taken that risk. Does your DH have a decent pension? Could he retire despite being 7 or so years off the pension age? An alternative would be to look at jobs with a disability scheme.

I think that while it's totally understandable to feel defeated, you really need to try and paint your best 'not to worry, it wasn't the right fit ' smile on.

He's clearly a bright man capable of learning. His confidence will have taken a massive knock. He needs you to big him up again if he's not going to end up unemployable.

Things like his typing speed could be addressed with voice recognition software.

Many companies run in house courses for IT etc or can put you on one.

His trouble is the probation period. They have extended it so they obviously like him.
But if this isn't right talk about the benefits of a larger employer in terms of access to better support, ability to be part of staff disability networks etc.
Ours (university) is very active in things like new building design so that they are more user friendly etc.
He might thrive in another environment. There is still time

What a rude comment

If they do try to terminate his employment I suggest he considers making a disability discrimination claim. It might at least encourage the employer to reach a settlement agreement with a financial payment.