When working in a school & see another staff member make your child sob with tears!!

[Mumsy2022]

My children attend a lovely school. I also work there. So today, while at work as I was on duty, I witnessed another member of staff make my child sob with tears after telling her off in a really nasty way. There literally was no need for the member of staff to speak to my daughter in this awful tone, which then resulted in her making my daughter sob with tears.

As I watched my daughter break down, I just had this wave of upset and my heart broke, the pain in my stomach was horrible. The other member of staff shouted at so loudly and aggressively! Ok, I get part of the point as to while my daughter was told off, due to what happened, but, no way was the way the staff member spoke to my daughter, acceptable. It was sheer aggression and like she enjoyed it. I also heard before now, she’s upset other children like this and other family members of them children who also work in the school have witnessed it.

So back to my daughter… I waited a short while and could see my daughter was crying even more and looked so worried and scared. Now, I know this sounds bad and unprofessional of me, but I couldn’t help myself. I decided to go and check my daughter was ok, but before I managed to get to where she was standing, that same member of staff decided to get there first and knelt down look at my daughter and say something to her. By the time I’d got there, the staff member was saying something to her with regards to what had happened. The staff member knew I was standing there but carried on speaking to my daughter, didn’t acknowledge me at all & ignored me, no eye contact, nothing!!

I asked if my daughter was ok, but no reply. Then another staff member came over to speak to me to ask if everything was ok. Then I told her I saw my daughter sobbing and needed to see she was alright. That member of staff told me what had happened and said it’s being dealt with. Basically hinting for me to go away. I decided then, my daughter had calmed down so I’d leave the scene. It was then time for the bell to go, so we all went separate ways.

Since it’s happened I’ve been in two minds whether or not to go to the headteacher about what I witnessed to speak to her about what happened and complain about the other staff member. Not just because I am biased or because she’s my daughter. If I’d seen this staff member had shouted and made another child cry, I’d be in the same frame of mind. Children need boundaries yes, also to be reminded if they’re doing something they shouldn’t be, but as mentioned this staff member when too far and children also need to trust staff and feel comfortable and happy around them.

Am I in my rights to go to the head teacher and complain, not just as a witness or staff member but as a mother? Or do I just say nothing, keep quiet and hope it don’t happen again? Am I being unreasonable and unprofessional? I haven’t stop thinking about it all day & really don’t know where I’d stand as a staff member! Maybe they’d say I shouldn’t of intervened and my job was at risk. I find this so difficult as my children are my world. Also, I care so much for all the children at my work, seeing them upset is heartbreaking.

Any help, advice or just a friendly suggestion would be great.

Many thanks for reading.

understandably you’re upset and as a parent you feel protective & enraged
now,as a worker you need to be impartial and approach it with a neutral tone
don't go all guns blazin to HT you’ll need to be measured & factual about event inevitably the other teacher will give a completely different account.

some kids are super sensitive and can’t tolerate any perceived criticism. So the fact your child cried isn’t in itself indicative of the legitimacy of the telling off. However a good teacher should be able to adjust tone and deliver message well

any colleagues or trusted friend you can talk to regard that get a good impartial view

don’t directly challenge your colleague

I know you were in a difficult position but I would have stepped in and asked if you could help. Especially as you feel she was quite aggressive in her manner.
Assuming we're talking primary aged children

If I were you I'd complain about when she does it to another child. If it's frequent, it shouldn't take too long.
It will only sound biased and unprofessional if you do it about your own child. I have seen problems before with teachers own children in the same school. It is never a positive thing in my view. Even if they are not in the same class. Although I know its unavoidable sometimes. But in this instance, raise it if you are concerned about another child. But not about your own. It won't be looked on well.

What was it your child had done wrong in the teacher's eyes?

I’m afraid if you had concerns about this member of staff before you should’ve reported it then. Only going to the head now makes it look like you only care because it’s your child. I’m not saying that’s true but that’s certainly how it will appear.

Also working in a primary school myself I do see some children who can’t bear to be told off even when clearly deserving it. It’s part of life to be able to accept authority and take criticism when it’s due. And sometimes a sharp tone is needed depending on what the child did. You haven’t said what she did?

You sound very level-headed and sensible and calm. Ideal for working with children.

Me? I’d ask her if she wanted to try speaking to me like that and whether she wanted to take it out to the car park.

You’re amazing for not punching her.

Go to the head. Get your daughter to give a statement. They have a duty of care. A teacher at DS’s school was let go due to behaviour like this.

Me? I’d ask her if she wanted to try speaking to me like that and whether she wanted to take it out to the car park I’m presuming that is a joke

This is one of the many reasons why its not a great idea to work in the same school as your own kids.

I would complain but in a very matter of fact way and make it clear you found the bullying tone inappropriate for any child.

You've been very vague about what it was she had done that she was being spoken to about...

😂

Write down a factual account, and keep it calm. Stick to observed facts
out of interest is this person known to be aggressive,is that their usual demeanour
inevitably the other teacher will dispute your account, even if your daughter gives a statement the other teacher will protest well she would say that wouldn’t she

It would be much better to have more than one incident to report. It would also carry more weight if the other report were not about your own child.
@shard5 in this situation the OP is another member of staff not a parent and has to walk a delicate line.

Why it doesn’t work when you work at your kids school. Probably a mountain out of a molehill but you’re acting as mum and not staff.

You can complain about what you saw, of course BUT you do need to be aware it may sour your relationships with other members of staff at the school. If you complain, you need to keep all judgement e.g. "It looked like she was enjoying it" out of the situation- just state the facts, that you felt the telling off was too severe, and your daughter was upset to the point of tears, and then the staff member blocked you from comforting her.

You should be aware that you may not find out the full outcome of your complaint, and you do need to use your capital as a member of staff carefully- if you regularly complain about how members of staff interact with your child then it will be taken less seriously.

You do need to be careful about discussing it with the member of staff directly, though.

What had she done wrong?

This is why I moved my ds from the school i work in.It was too much having the lines blurred.Best decision for us both.

Why was your child in trouble? Some kids do cry when they are told off. Some kids cry when they are told in in a minor way. You need to take a step back. Where do you think this will go? The other staff member will say your child was being told off legitimately. You say aggressively. They are hardly likely to agree with you. Then what? You will have to work with this staff member. Other staff will hear about it. Many might say you are being unprofessional and are being over sensitive.

I don’t know I can’t get my head around directing a parent away from any of my students if they were crying or having a telling off, if I needed to tell them off and they cried that would be a conversation I would have with their parent anyway. It frazzles my mind to be honest, glad I don’t work with any parents of my students!

Do what you would have done if it hadn't have been your daughter but another pupil at the school

What has she said about it at home? Also did she see you during the incident? Sometimes if children see a parent they react more because they understandably want their parent to comfort them. What was the later conversation between the two of then about, has she said?

This. Would you have complained if it was another child ? If the answer is yes then complain but be honest with yourself

You've left out what your daughter did wrong. The staff member went back to calm her down which is a plus and I think she was right not to involve you.

It wasn’t easy keeping quiet, but I felt if I’d intervened further she’d of piped up in front of the children or it could of been even worse so I kept quiet because i wanted to remain as professional as possible when in reality I wanted to challenge it.

Apologies I thought I’d mentioned it! But our playground has two sides, one for little ones, KS1 and one side for KS2 . So there’s a red line splitting the two sides, and my daughter stepped over it to give her friend a hug. That was it.