I think I'm going to have to leave even though they've been really good to me.

[NotAlarmed]

DH was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the start of lockdown and died almost 2 years ago.

During this time I was working for an organisation that carried on as usual under additional pressures while lots of other people were taking it easy. We only did our jobs but that time took it's toll and lots of people are showing signs of burnout IMO.

I was facing additional issues and work and my colleagues were brilliant. I worked very flexibly before and after his death, had some time off and people who work for me (I have c .15 line reports) really stepped up. Some just because they are good people, others for the career development. I have been very appreciative all along and I like to think more I'm a decent boss (and thought this is one reason they were so suportive) but there is very little I can actually "do" for them. National payscales, I can't offer money for example.

Anyway, I'm back now, mostly doing OK but it's not always easy. Some of the staff who were so good seem to have developed huge chips on their shoulders though. They were really good. I've said thank you, I bought gifts, I've really supported professional development for those who wanted it, but some really want me to know I owe them. It's not clear what exactly they want from me and when I've asked what's upsetting them, they say nothing, but as a group they seem to be going out of their way to make life difficult for me and I've never experienced this from them before.

My boss was brilliant throughout and still is, but she can recognise there's been a shift in attitude too. I'll feel awful leaving after all the support I've had, but really feel like a fresh start would be best for everyone.

Would you?

Firstly, so sorry for your loss.

You absolutely must do what is best for YOU and you alone. But I appreciate that doesn't answer your question...

You are clearly a very caring person so can understand how uncomfortable this situation (through no fault of your own) is making you. Everyone deserves to be comfortable and happy at work.

if it was me I would update my cv and keep an eye on the job market whilst trying to improve things in my current job (it's disappointing that your boss isn't suggesting a more proactive approach to the situation). No one need know that you are doing this. You don't owe your current employer anything - their support during your difficult time should be a given and you've 'repaid' (for want of a better word) by doing your job under exceptionally difficult circumstances.

A new start sounds ideal - but ONLY if it is a good 'package' (role, employer, location etc).

Again - look after YOURSELF first and foremost.

I’m sorry for your loss OP 💐
Your situation sounds really difficult and I’ve not come across anything like this. I wonder if it’s that thing whereby people are built up (think celebrities/sports people etc) only to become unpopular once they’re successful. Everyone loves the underdog (sorry for that expression), but nobody loves a winner.
Its a shame no one has the courage to say why their attitude has changed and I suspect it’s because it will reflect badly on them.
I would speak again with my manager before I made a decision. If the issue can’t be resolved could you view this job as if it were a new one? Would a move affect your grade and progression? I'm sorry I’m not much help and hopefully someone wiser will be along with some thoughts soon

I'm 52 so I'm also in that weird limbo where I could retire in 3 years or I could be working for another 15. Financially I could go, but I do get quite a lot out of working. I can't imagine doing this for another 15 years, but I'm not sure about starting again either. OTOH if I go and it's awful, I only have to do it for a few years.

Then I just need to persuade someone to employ me at 52, a couple of years before I could retire...It does feel like now or never though.

I think you might have been a bit too grateful to Foster this "you owe them" dynamic.

I work in care and over the last few years there have been some prolonged difficult times of course. Some times when half the team was signed off as vulnerable and the other half working all the hours. Some people on long term sick for one reason or another. Some working with Covid positive people before jabs when we were all scared.

None of the staff "owe" anyone. I was in the keep working team but paid for the hours I did. I could have quit to not work or applied for a different sector of work and at times I was tempted to but I didn't. I and my colleagues kept working first and foremost to save our service and in turn our jobs. Even if we had been salaried and not hourly pay that would still apply.

It took some adjustment of the team when shielding ended and there definitely were some "chips on shoulders" but now in an average shift at work it doesn't occur to me who has been off for whatever reason. No one has to be grateful.

If people have developed a bad attitude to their work perhaps it is them that should move on. Maybe it's time to surprise them by stopping being so grateful and expecting them to behave in a professional manner.

That said if you are starting to not enjoy your work like you used to and things are starting to annoy you about your workplace then stay relentlessly positive to an observer but "look for a new challenge".

They've been really good to you. Past tense.
They're hardly being good to you now, are they?
No idea what the elephant in the room is.
Some thought you would end up leaving and stepped up for the promotion - you haven't, and they didn't, so they are resentful?
Either way, 15 people doing a U-turn on being decent is not tenable - if your boss has noticed a change in attitude - if it is affecting team morale and/or work then they need to be having a word.
In the current situation, I would not be leaving at all. I would be getting in, getting on, getting out, doing my job and giving them no further head space. Easier said than done but as long as everyone is doing their job - if they are not, whatever they have done for you in the past, you need to go through the usual disciplinary measures now.

It's not that they're not doing their jobs, it's that they've lost that can do attitude. There's a bit of working to rule and a lot less cheerfulness.

I don’t think I’d move without trying to get to the bottom of it. It could be as simple as they were able to step up and now you are back some of their autonomy is gone, or they’re no longer reporting to a more senior person than you, careers are stalling, pay rises are crap etc

For a while they will have been goodwill toward you but now it may just be BAU again. I suppose what I’m saying is why are you taking it personally; Can you give concrete examples

It’s hard to know what suggest given we don’t know what industry you’re in but most office-based roles just carried on through Covid so I don’t see why people would necessarily be burnt out as they were mostly working from home

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s always a good feeling when you have the support of your team. Have you actually had a 1-2-1 with them and asked them how they are feeling, that you have noticed a change and wondered what support if anything you can give them? It may well be burn out and they may be some small things that you can do to help them get their mojo back? A good manager is worth their weight in gold and personally I’d be reluctant to give that up as you say you have one. Sometimes a workplace comes to a natural end but I’m curious as to what it is of their expectation of you given the confines in which you can operate

Are you 100% certain it’s to do with you and not just that they’re feeling tired/stressed/fed up with life in general? Cost of living crisis, stress from the pandemic yrs etc? There’s been a lot going on. I certainly don’t feel I’m as cheerful as I used to be 3 years ago!

Quote: It's not that they're not doing their jobs, it's that they've lost that can do attitude. There's a bit of working to rule and a lot less cheerfulness.

Could it be the effect of the rising cost of living putting them under pressure and making being proactive and cheerful a stretch.

You have mentioned you could retire if you wanted to financially (but emotionally would perhaps be better to keep working). Have you talked about this at work. Might be hard to hear for your colleagues if they are starting to really struggle and get behind with bills etc.

They might be generally stressed but feel you are not in the same boat. An "it's alright for the manager.. " type attitude. They can't perhaps voice this as they know about your tough personal situation and the possibility that your financial stability might have come at huge personal cost.

Perhaps it would be best to say - in context and at the right moment - that the cost of living rises mean you could no longer afford to retire even if you wanted to.... if you want to stay even if it is a fib.

They weren't working from home. I think Covid/lockdown has taken a toll on lots of people more than we realise actually, but in this specific workplace I think there's quite a feeling of it being unfair that some people did have jobs that could be done from home, some had health reasons that they didn't work very much and others had to work harder than usual (my team, but because of my circumstances, not always me).

I think they a few of us could see this in our work place. It might not be anything to do with you.

There's a bit of working to rule and a lot less cheerfulness

I'm so sorry for your loss. The change in attitude is probably not to do with you at all though. Most people are going through the mill at the moment, and have been for the last two years and there is (understandably) a lot of financial difficulty around, plus mental and physical health concerns.

I think money has become a bigger issue for many, yes. I also know at least one of the "problems" is well set up to make their next move, as a resukt kf the trianing I've given. but doesn't seem to want to. Wants to be paid more, but stay where they are.

I never talk about my financial situation and I've never mentioned retiring at work, but I do wonder if there's some assumptions that I must be well set up because of DH's death - I've definitely encountered that socially.

Tbh, it sounds like they really stepped up for you when they needed too, and found it tough (not as tough as you obviously!), so now reverted back to BAU now that they can.

There is a huge social media trend of "quiet quitting" atm, which is basically just stepping back and working to rule more, rather than over an beyond. Could this be it? And nothing to do with you?

The last few years have been tough, with lots of additional stress and worry outside of work for people: covid, lockdowns, cost of living. Some people are burnt out, or feeling deflated (the promised post-covid good times haven't materialised) or just re-evaluating their lives.

Tbh it just sounds like low morale/exhaustion & not related to you. Do you have one person with a lot of influence moaning in the group? It can only take one person to completely bring a group down ime.

I manage a team of key workers who have had a difficult job & still do due to understaffing. For a while we had a lot of negativity, but then a couple of the complainers left and we have a team with a great attitude who all get on well, love working together & it’s all can do again.

I think this may be more to do with the state of the country and how everyone is feeling these days and nothing to do it’s you personally. Covid and now the cost of living have taken a toll on most people’s work ethic and they are struggling to remain positive.

I wouldn't worry about your age being a barrier if you want a job elsewhere. I'm 52 and won't be able to retire financially until I'm at least 60 so I wouldn't expect my age to be a barrier in any interviews.

It sounds like you have a lot of experience from your current role - I'd start by getting your CV up to date and having a look around. I'd echo others though - I don't think the team's attitude is down to your personal circumstances but more likely due to money worries from the general economic situation.

I don't know. I'm sure that is a part of it, but it doesn't feel like everything. I feel like they want to trip me up iyswim. I've always been someone who, when things go wrong (my mistakes or others), says never mind let's put it right and learn from it, but people seem to be looking for/enjoying things going wrong.

Maybe they're genuinely knackered. Can you speak to them individually about how they are doing, what they need to improve work/life balance etc.

There's definitely one. She's just announced her retirement a year earlier than originally planned, actially and I feel that is a "I'll show her" decision too, but it is excellent news.

It will put the cat amongst the pigeons too though. The position will be advertised and whilst there are internal candidates who will be thinking it's a good opportunity and one who probably thinks she's a shoe in, I really hope the best candidate is an external applicant.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Could it just be that they rallied around in the crisis, but that cheerful "going iver and above" can't humanly be maintained by most people (who have undoubtedly got their own day to day struggles in their private lives with perhaps frail or ill - whether dementia or physical/ terminal - or demanding elderly parents, teens going off the rails, university student children on the verge of dropping out, children with additional needs needing extra support, depressed or difficult partners, marriage crisis or 101 other things which can make people feel it's now their turn to be supported at work to deal with private stress).

Almost everyone has something difficult demanding their time and focus in their private lives and, whilst in most cases it's not as awful as a terminally ill spouse, it's likely their are a lot of people thinking they've done their two years+ of cheerfully going over and above but would like to be on the receiving end of support and flexibility and not be expected to be strong, cheerful and can-do because they have x, y, or z to juggle and cope with at home too?

I have spoken to most, I do regular performance reviews/how are you chats. Some have acknowledged they're not feeling it atm, but they either can't or won't say why.

Ithink you need to have some 1-1 chats with them and try to pick them off. It will take time. It might well be worth it

On the other hand, I don't know what it is like to be bereaved in this way and it might be that a fresh start is just what you need. How long have you worked there, are you very intertwined with the place?

It is a very flexible and supportive workplace. Yes other people have "stuff", but allowances, to one degree or another, are made for all of it.

Perhaps it is just that everyone had to step up together because of Covid and people are just done.