I think I'm going to have to leave even though they've been really good to me.

[NotAlarmed]

DH was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the start of lockdown and died almost 2 years ago.

During this time I was working for an organisation that carried on as usual under additional pressures while lots of other people were taking it easy. We only did our jobs but that time took it's toll and lots of people are showing signs of burnout IMO.

I was facing additional issues and work and my colleagues were brilliant. I worked very flexibly before and after his death, had some time off and people who work for me (I have c .15 line reports) really stepped up. Some just because they are good people, others for the career development. I have been very appreciative all along and I like to think more I'm a decent boss (and thought this is one reason they were so suportive) but there is very little I can actually "do" for them. National payscales, I can't offer money for example.

Anyway, I'm back now, mostly doing OK but it's not always easy. Some of the staff who were so good seem to have developed huge chips on their shoulders though. They were really good. I've said thank you, I bought gifts, I've really supported professional development for those who wanted it, but some really want me to know I owe them. It's not clear what exactly they want from me and when I've asked what's upsetting them, they say nothing, but as a group they seem to be going out of their way to make life difficult for me and I've never experienced this from them before.

My boss was brilliant throughout and still is, but she can recognise there's been a shift in attitude too. I'll feel awful leaving after all the support I've had, but really feel like a fresh start would be best for everyone.

Would you?

You say "I'm back now" implying that this is a recent thing but also that your dh died 2 years ago. Have they been carrying the can for you for most of this time? It seems like a lot.

I also recognise this from my workplace - similar set of pandemic circs to you, staff are now demotivated and cynical.

Maybe it would be worth separating the decision to leave from your colleagues. Would YOU feel energised and excited by a new challenge or would you rather stay with what’s familiar?

I think it's a general thing among workers who carried on working during the pandemic. Everyone is exhausted and all the bills have gone up yet no pay rise.

Maybe they think you're being well paid so expect you to pick up the slack.

Also maybe now you're back in action you're on them - so watching what they do. Maybe when you were off they just did the minimum to keep things ticking over. They might not have worked as hard as you think. Also maybe some assumed you might not be back & that your job would be up for grabs.

I think wait and see how things are when this lady takes early retirement. Btw I'm jealous you can retire at 55!

I had a few weeks off after he died and should have taken longer. Then Christmas was an awful time for me and things fell apart, I had a few more weeks then, but I've been back full time and up to speed since mid January.

I had a year before that when I was working very flexibly while nursing him at home.

Actually rereading I wonder if the financial aspect of it is a factor. We were incredibly lucky at work - private sector- and got a one of payment for everyone in August, but even with that it's worrying to see the price of everything go up and the value of my pension go down in real terms.

Perhaps you're right and some of them are jealous of the financial cushion you have, without truly thinking of the awful circumstances that produced it. They're never going to say that though, it may not even be a conscious thought.

I think even just seeing what other opportunities may be out there would help you.

I’m sorry for your loss and that getting back to work doesn’t feel the same. But also, it’s a job. People can just work to rule. You work, you get paid. There’s never enough thanks or recognition for going over and above. You want an external candidate to replace a retiring member. That’s not going to go down well and it sounds like more problems on the horizon.

Would it be possible to stay with your current employer and go part time /take a step down in terms of role and responsibilities? This may be a step towards retirement that could actually help you stay in work until your normal retirement age.

I actually have an interview today! It's only a first stage thing, it's more money, more difficult work and more travel, but fewer staff to manage!

I thought I was just applying to see what happened, but I do feel quite excited by it.

OTOH it feels like quite a risk to leave somewhere I can more or less come and go as I please and where I don't actually need to work that hard to keep on top of things, but equally I don't have any ties now (youngest has just gone to uni) so maybe a new challenge and working harder would actually be good.

I could probably go PT in my current role and have considered it, but I think that would build more resentment - it's OK for her she can do 3/4 days pw on her salary iyswim. I am significantly better paid (and better qualified!) than any of my staff.

Good luck for the interview.

I definitely think a new challenge is exactly what you need. Circumstances change, people change, I know a few people in their early 50s who have changed role and said it was the best thing they'd done. I moved team about 18 months ago in my work and it has been hard learning new things, but also rewarding to increase my knowledge and skills.

I think you are overestimating your influence here "She's just announced her retirement a year earlier than originally planned, actially and I feel that is a "I'll show her" decision too,".

I can't imagine anyone works a year more or a year less to annoy or please their manager - this is a personal decision. Some people are deciding to retire or do flexible retirement (take pension / keep working) because they want access to their lump sum to dig them out of a hole or keep their head above water.

Good luck at the interview today.

It's not going to go down well, but sometimes it's needed. There are internal candidates who's be "OK" but no one who'd be great, plus we could do with someone less institutionalised. I've been there 6 years and I'm still the newbie. Most have been there all their lives.

@NotAlarmed

I am significantly better paid (and better qualified!) than any of my staff.

I think that's your answer. If your staff were covering for you and managed without you for weeks at a time when you were taking compassionate leave then they probably resent you earning a significant amount more.

Yes, I've thought about this and it probably is how they saw it, but they didn't really "cover" the job. They took on individual tasks, with guidance, but the responsibility remained with me, or my boss when I was off completely. They didn't take on any line management or financial responsibility, for example, which are the primary reasons for the grade difference.

Dear OP, so so sorry for your loss and for the problems you are facing.
I had a similar experience, only I was the one who got sick.
My employer was not understanding, some in my team were kind, some not, mainly because they wanted my place. I had to move on the side. It was very painful, as I loved the job. The man who got the place ( temporarily), was particularly nasty. He sort of implied I was a whiner.
He felt sick after two months and died of bowel cancer after 18 months.
I went through surgery and I am fine.
I did not return back to the job although I did help his wife and little daughter to get a lump sum and a pension.
Humans tend to have two measures: one for ourselves and one for the rest of the world.
Just look around and then go somewhere else for a fresh start.
Do not retire as work is your identity unless you have a good substitute.
I hope all works out for you.

Honestly it is quite easy to see this from your team's point of view:

They stepped up when you were off and working flexibly and earning a lot more than them

They've been cheerful and "can do" throughout the pandemic whilst doing far more than their jobs require

They've had no pay rises or promotion to acknowledge this, just thanks and a personal present

You know explicitly that more than one were hoping their additional workload, stepping up to take aspects of your role on and positive attitude over the pandemic and the time you were nursing your husband and grieving, would reflect favourably on them and result in career advancement

You very much don't want to promote any of them and prefer as yet theoretical external candidates for upcoming promotion possibilities

You position yourself mentally as vastly superior to everyone who is in your team - of course you don't say this aloud, but combined with the point above you can bet some are now aware of this, if they weren't before!

Knowing your own worth is great, especially as a woman, but doing your team down like this when they've stepped up for you really isn't.

Combined with rising costs of living and general state of the country/ world stuff it's no bloody wonder your team are no longer cheerfully going above and beyond their job descriptions!

Oh please. I only mentioned my qualifications because they are a requirement of the job and one of the reasons my job is better paid.

Some people on the team are ready for their next move and I have supported some in getting the qualificationsto do that. If those roles come free, they will get them. This specific vacancy there isn't someone in the team who would make a good replacent IMO.

But yes, I can see that struggling to keep everything going whilst dealing with your dying husband and his subsequent death de

Oops deserves all this. It's only to be expected and why I feel I need to give them and me a fresh start. None of them will get my job though.

The thing is that it's awful that your husband died and everyone is, I'm sure, very sorry.

It doesn't sound from these last two posts as though anyone would dare complain or ask for understanding about their own lesser but still potentially huge private challenges - and indeed you've said they "can't or won't" tell you why they're struggling.

Nobody is saying that you deserve anything bad, but your complaint appears to be that your team are not unrelentingly cheerful and willing to do more than their jobs on a permanent basis, without reward and in an environment where (perhaps just due to circumstances) they feel that saying anything will get them labelled as moaners because whatever "stuff" as you put it they have going on isn't as bad as what you've been through.

You have had a difficult time suffering your loss, bless you

It now feels as though you are overthinking this and analysing everything and everyone, perhaps over-imagining things at times…

Good luck with your interview…a new, fresh start is what you need I think…and 52 is still young!

You might be right re how they're feeling, I'm certainly aware that it's possible, hence the thread in the first place, but I honestly think you're imagining behaviours from me.

I never say no to any personal requests, for example. All my staff, before and after DH, have always enjoyed similar considerations from me, albeit they no doubt see that as a normal part of my job. Their stuff has been very varied, that's the only reason for the use of the word, but I've allowed time for everything from sick pets to relationship breakdown, troubled children and parental illness.

That seems to be the atmosphere everywhere at the moment. Everyone is struggling.

It sounds like many people in the team have just been there for too long. It's easy to take flexibility for granted when you're used to it and not appreciate it any more.

You can't force your team to move or change, so all you can really do is change your own circumstances- either through a new role or change your attitude by taking a big step back mentally.

I'd deliberately try to stop any thoughts about why they don't like you and are they still resentful about supporting you when you needed it. Just draw a line as from today and try to pause your inner monologue.

But yeah I'm leaning more towards the new, no baggage, better paid job. Good luck in interview.

If you do stay, is it possible to instigate some anonymous pulse surveys. Often people will write down what they feel, but find it hard to discuss it.

Unfortunately for many it's likely around the cost of living rising by 10% and salaries not doing the same. It's hard to maintain a can do attitude when you can see your standard of living being eroded and you're unable to afford holidays or even little luxuries when you're working as hard as before.

This. I doubt you actually crossed her mind when it came to retiring tbh.
I don't see what they're doing wrong. They've stepped up, covered your work, now maybe they are feeling a bit stressed/miserable with work, but I think many are. People have got many stresses at the moment, maybe they just don't want to give more than the required at work anymore. Nothing wrong with that.