Working with two little ones - does it get easier?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

As the title says really. I work in a flexible job but coming to the end of a fixed term and terrified of the change and the next organisation being accommodating to me. I have a 1 and 3 year old. Both at nursery, my job is quite demanding (solicitor) but I balance that with working 3 days, though I’m not sure if I can continue to do that in a new role.

I was supposed to have an interview today with an organisation I really like but had to collect a poorly child and as it’s been several days now (I thought he was over it) I decided I ought to take him to the doctors, so have rearranged.

I get zero help from my DH which is part of my frustration. He works totally unencumbered by the children and doesn’t factor them in at all. I do every PU and DO and have to work my commitments around the children. I do all the doctors appts, shopping, cleaning (we do have a cleaner) house admin. My family help with childcare one day a week for one child - I don’t feel I can ask more of them and they won’t have a poorly child.

Just feel really disheartened - I want to develop and grow professionally but it feels like I have one hand tied behind my back! Im hoping more experienced Mums can tell me it gets easier?

It won't get easier unless you make your DH step up and shoulder some of the burden of pick ups, drop offs, and last minute arrangements to accommodate sick children. In fact it will get harder when they are at school, as the hours are less work-friendly than nursery and school holidays are a nightmare.

I'm also a solicitor and so is my DW. Her job is more senior than mine and I do tend to do more of the staying home when DD is ill, but we share drop offs and pick ups and will take each other's turn if one of us has a client meeting or has to travel for work or whatever. It's not manageable if you have to do it all on your own.

This is more about your DH not taking on an equal role, yeah you work fewer days, but it doesn’t mean you do it all!

I do four days with an almost 1 and 2.5yo, but we split pick up and drop off, I do all the cleaning but honestly I don’t do one iota of admin, bills, shopping or cooking.

It works well for us.

That’s it Wanda - I really need some flexibility but I have none outside of office hours. I have looked at a Nanny but it then just absorbs all my salary and just isn’t worth the extra money from an extra day!

I agree with the first response. Your H needs to step up. My DH and I both have professional jobs and we split childcare as it's only fair - we're both parents and both need to parent our children

Have you asked your DH why he feels he’s allowed to continue at work with no consideration for the children and they are purely your responsibility?

You have a DH problem, and I think you know it.

It does get a bit easier as they get older but agree with previous posters, it won't improve if you DH doesn't step up. I'm also a solicitor OP and have recently gone up from 3 to 4 days. My two are 4 & 5 now but I could only get back on track with my career thanks to my husband doing equal life admin and childcare and my mum helping out too.

So yeah the obvious question here is why? Why do you allow your partner to be so useless?

The whole problem here is that you have married a man who doesn't actually love you, his kids, or having a family.

No man who actually loved his wife and kids would treat them this way.

Yes. He acknowledges it’s not ideal but says he can’t commit. I suggested he committed to two pick ups a week (latest is 6) and he said it wasn’t possible. If he did that I could have some flexibility on those days and work longer days, wfh the one day and have family help the fourth. I’d manage that.

I do have a DH problem and really resenting it.

I really sympathise, OP. I too have a husband who just works and really goes about most aspects of his life without having to think of our child and it’s very easy to say ‘make him step up” and very difficult to do. I am part time, and I won’t be going back to full time for the foreseeable for this reason, and am not looking to develop - it would be extremely difficult/impossible if I was.

I ask him to commit and he says it’s not possible? I’m not sure what else I can do?

it’s not ideal but says he can’t commit

Well then, it's not ideal but maybe you can't continue to contribue as much to the family finances because you can't continue to work as you are...

(Btw, I am NOT advocating that as something to actually do! But why does he feel he and his job are more important than yours?)

Of course you should resent this but don't just put up with it. Either it changes or the relationship is over because he is essentially saying he is more important than you and patriachy aside, that's just crap.

It is easy to say from an outsider's perspective, but you tell him very clearly that it is completely unacceptable for him to say this and push all the onus onto you.

It's a lack of respect that I would personally find deeply upsetting and which would make me question my relationship. Either he feels that children are "women's work", or that your desire for a career is less important than his desire. There's little other explanation for that kind of opinion.

Sure, there are some jobs where flexibility isn't easy. My DH works in the emergency services, whereas I do a desk job (senior support in a law firm, so I understand where you are coming from to a degree), so often I do pick up a lot more of the slack and juggle my hours more, because my job allows me to and his does not. But that doesn't mean than he still doesn't do all DO and PU around his shifts, takes some days off, has less sleep after a night shift than he may want etc.

What's his job OP? His attitude differs depending on whether he's part time in a casual hob or working as an eminent surgeon in a niche field.

How much of your workload is looking after him? Cooking for him, picking up his pants and washing them, buying cards and presents for his family etc?

I get zero help from my DH which is part of my frustration. He works totally unencumbered by the children and doesn’t factor them in at all. I do every PU and DO and have to work my commitments around the children. I do all the doctors appts, shopping, cleaning (we do have a cleaner) house admin

yeah. This right here is your problem, and it'll never get much better until that changes. I worked four days with two small ones and am now back to FT now they're school aged, and I find it entirely manageable, because DH is pulling his weight and has always done 50% of dropoffs, pickups and care.

If you can stretch to a nanny or nannyshare, it can really help to reduce the toll of child sickness and is an investment for the future when childcare costs drop again, but mostly you need to 1) tell your H that certain dropoffs/pickups are his responsibility now, and either he does them himself or he finds and pays someone else to, or 2) tell him he'll be a single dad soon and then he'll have to find it's fucking possible, won't he.

Any chance of your work sending you away abroad for a week or so so he has to cope?

He is in a fairly senior management role and covers a large part of the country so he is often a way away. He does work v long hours and is away from home a lot - this has changed since we had children. He was more local before but that’s been largely out of his control. He’s definitely not lazy and appreciates the constraints I’m working with are difficult.

I do all the things you’ve listed for him
too. I do it all!

Why on earth did your DH not pick up your poorly DC given you had an interview? I hope his excuse was that he was several hours away?

Does your DH have any female colleagues with kids? I bet they manage to "commit" to picking their kids up. Please do tell us what his job is that means he can't ever either drop off or pick up DC. What time does he start work?

Not lazy, but doesn't do any housework, not even wash his own pants? Yeah, not buying that, sorry.

@namechange3394 today is a bad example as he was hours away (although could have made it back to release me for the interview if he was minded too). He often leaves for work at between 5-6am sometimes 4.30 because he travels a lot. He does work crazy hours.

He’s pretty absent - kids haven’t seen him since Monday - what day are we on??

I was about to come on here to say I feel your pain and am in the same situation but then I read to the end and I'm definitely not! I feel completely over worked and wrung out and my husband is incredibly supportive and does an equal share of everything to me. I just wouldn't accept anything else. It's not a discussion point. It's a pick up the kids I've got a call or do the food shop etc situation.

My DH started out as a lazy arse before we were married. I wasn't going to accept that as my lot in life so I made sure he cleaned and cooked and did everything else alongside me. Men aren't a different species and they aren't genetically programmed to not be able to clean or take kids to the doctor etc they just get away with not doing it so they dont do it. Don't let him get away with it.

If he's going to be a part time parent and partner then you need to work out how to make that work as a family. It's either he finds a new job, you work less or you get a full time nanny to help.

That’s the thing. The working less works now but I’m anxious that I won’t be able to find another arrangement as accommodating now this contract is up.

i have looked into getting a nanny and might have to, but it just eats up all my salary!

"could have made it back to release me for the interview if he was minded to"

I think this speaks volumes. Today was really important to you at "work" (interview) and he still thinks it was less important than a standard day in his Important Job. I couldn't respect a man who treated me like that tbh.

If anything it gets worse when they're at school and timings are less flexible.

If he starts so early, surely he's finished by 6? Or is he driving about for 14+ hours a day? That doesn't sound safe!

Does everyone in his role do those crazy hours?