Working with two little ones - does it get easier?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

As the title says really. I work in a flexible job but coming to the end of a fixed term and terrified of the change and the next organisation being accommodating to me. I have a 1 and 3 year old. Both at nursery, my job is quite demanding (solicitor) but I balance that with working 3 days, though I’m not sure if I can continue to do that in a new role.

I was supposed to have an interview today with an organisation I really like but had to collect a poorly child and as it’s been several days now (I thought he was over it) I decided I ought to take him to the doctors, so have rearranged.

I get zero help from my DH which is part of my frustration. He works totally unencumbered by the children and doesn’t factor them in at all. I do every PU and DO and have to work my commitments around the children. I do all the doctors appts, shopping, cleaning (we do have a cleaner) house admin. My family help with childcare one day a week for one child - I don’t feel I can ask more of them and they won’t have a poorly child.

Just feel really disheartened - I want to develop and grow professionally but it feels like I have one hand tied behind my back! Im hoping more experienced Mums can tell me it gets easier?

Child2 has picked up Child1’s illness this week so now they’re out of nursery 😩

I'll get cut to ribbons for this but you can't have it all. It sounds like DH has a 'big job' and I don't think both of you can have a 'big job' when the kids are that little. There needs to be some compromise. When my kids were that age I worked evenings in a call centre around DH's hours so I could be at home during the day.

Now the kids are older, we are both full time. But we carry equal share and both have jobs that work around each others. DH works weekends and has weekdays off etc. I work flexi time from home. We've pretty much accepted that neither of us can change jobs right now without it having a massive impact on the entire family. Both of our careers (ha!) have had to be sacrificed because of the kids.

It’s very easy for your DH to say he acknowledges all you do without making any changes which he sounds like he doesn’t want to.

@Subnauctic thank you - I am starting to see that. I have said I can only do 3 days to recruiters and that I need flexibility to work from home. Actually a lot of employers want you to work remotely now so that fits in with the market. With all the illness the kids have had I just feel like jacking it all in - but I know I don’t want that long term.

I think it’s possible to have conversations with dh about how you feel that are realistic. Both dh and I work pretty intense jobs and I did increase my hours and role once one started school. But we have to be flexible with each other - dh works away more so I have to pick up more slack that week. I have late night meetings once every 5/6 weeks (sometimes more often) and dh has to pick up those days. It is never the same week by week but dh does what he can when he’s around and I give advance notice of the dates I can’t do. We don’t have any close family to help but do try and help friends in holidays etc to support each other as they are in similar position.

I think when we first had kids, my DH really struggled with the fact that sometimes you have to let people down at work to go and get your kids from nursery. Would it help to talk to yours about how actually it isn't always easy and straightforward for you to do pick ups and drop offs?

I think you need to make clear to him that it's not a negotiable, it's now part of his life. And when you get him to do stuff, just be inflexible about swaps etc for a while because he will try it on. You might need to make clear that your marriage is on the line.

But this will all be harder because you have set the precedent that you do everything.

He gets two days when you're not working to focus entirely on work. He should be doing more of the pick ups and drop offs when you're working

I am also a solicitor working 3 days per week with young kids slightly older than yours and with a husband who has a “big job” and earns most of our household income. The answer is - it’s bloody hard, and when they are at school it gets harder in some ways (but easier in others) due to homework, last minute costume requests, going in for assembly / to look at work / to see the headmaster’s cat pirouette round the playground and of course the long holidays.

My DH is not great at sharing the load but he sounds like Mary Poppins compared to yours! Things need to change - either your H does more himself or he accepts that he needs to pay for a nanny to pick up the slack. The thing that really got through to my husband was when I pointed out that while he earned most of the money, we needed my salary too and therefore he had to support me to do a good job at work rather than me always being the one to leave early, cover sick kids etc.

I have also stayed in a job that, frankly, bores me because I can do it standing on my head but still earn a lot of money and have the flexibility to work my hours around the children due to the goodwill/trust built up over several years. If you are taking a new job you won’t have that goodwill yet and your husband needs to support you while you settle in and “prove yourself” a bit. Good luck, OP - it is hard but worth it eventually!

I agree you're not going to be able to "have it alll" in this scenario. Families with 2 FT workers either have rock solid childcare, a helpful extended family or more often both.

The nanny investment is a good idea - the cost might not be that much more than 2x nursery fees and it's only until school age. Assuming DH earns well then it's a family cost investing in BOTH of your careers.

However, from what you've said about the nature of your work I would seriously prioritise getting further part time contracts. You may not have to compromise on seniority/ day rate. Offer smaller companies will offer 0.6/0.8 contracts as it costs them less to still get a high level person. There are specialist recruitment firms in my sector for that also. I say this not because I think you shouldn't be able to work FT if you want to, but realistically if you can still progress career whilst not working yourself into the ground you will have more of yourself left for families and your own rest/hobbies. Burnout is no fun.

I think when we first had kids, my DH really struggled with the fact that sometimes you have to let people down at work to go and get your kids from nursery

Honestly I think this is a mindset shift he hasn’t had yet - as far as he’s concerned he can’t possibly leave or delay whatever it is he’s doing. But in reality sometimes you have to. I think he’s had it pretty easy too as my parents are good in an emergency. So even when I’ve been rushed to a&e he’s not had to deal with the kids!

I pointed out that while he earned most of the money, we needed my salary too and therefore he had to support me to do a good job at work rather than me always being the one to leave early, cover sick kids etc.

this is true too. I think strictly I could give up work but it wouldn’t be without sacrifice that neither of us want to make. Plus we both think nursery is a good investment for the kids and we couldn’t keep them in childcare if I wasn’t working.

I did highlight some of the issues I have and on this thread and he worked a day at the weekend to have a day off with sick DC last week, where he made an effort to cook tea and sort some other bits. Still had to spell out exactly what needed doing like emptying the bloody drier but it was progress.

And yes @metellaestinatrio not having that goodwill concerns me too. A friend and ex colleague needs someone at her place, it’s a step down but am so tempted to just ask for PT there. She knows I’m technically competent so would be more efficient than a junior FT.

Pretty disgusting your OH wouldn’t step up when you had an interview. It’s tough when kids are very young, but when you’re doing everything it’s even tougher. Those years don’t last forever though and once they’ve caught everything in sight in the first few months they do build i

Sorry posted too soon..

do build up a tolerance. Mine are much older now, one gone to Uni and I remember how tough it was

I’m a solicitor working full time. DH also working full time in a “big job”. Zero family support but we use wrap around care in school. I won’t lie. It’s really tough. A few things however have made it do-able. I work from home three days a week which has been a game changer. The commute wasn’t sustainable. What has also really helped us is accepting that there’s no downtime on weekday evenings. It’s a mindset shift. I log on every night after the dc are asleep and doing a couple more hours. It’s means i stay on top of work and I don’t have to work on weekends. A cleaner once a week and the dc getting dinner in wraparound care on weekdays also assists.

It would be a lot easier if you stopped doing everything.

Sorry posted too soon. I meant to say while all the the factors listed above help, the main thing that makes it work is myself and dh bring 50/50 with childcare. It’s essential. You need to get your dh to step up op

You have to address this now because in my experience, the resentment grows and it'll all come out at some point anyway. You tell him that this is unsustainable and you ask him what HE is going to do about it. You are not a child minder or a house keeper. You are an adult with children who also wants to pursue a career in exactly the same way he does. My dh owns a company and works v long hours. I was very clear with him before we had dcs that I would be pursuing my career after we had children. He wasn't too enamoured but so what. I have to work out for myself how to navigate my job around home responsibilities and he has a brain in his head so he can do the same. I'd be giving an ultimatum over this because you will one day get so far past the ultimatum stage that you'll just up and leave.

Either DH steps up or you get a nanny.

The way I see it, you have two choices. He sticks with the long hours, travelling all over role which pays the big bucks and you either pay for additional help or cut your hours to compensate. Or...he looks for a more family friendly role, maybe a compressed week, partly working from home which probably pays less.

That job sounds like it will make life easier, and the goodwill really is worth a lot when you are constantly juggling, but don’t let it be an excuse for your DH to continue to fail to contribute on the home front because “oh but Jane [your friend/colleague] will understand if you have to leave early / take a day off at short notice / miss an important meeting, that’s the great thing about working for someone you know. It’s so tough for me, my boss just doesn’t get it…”