Working with two little ones - does it get easier?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

As the title says really. I work in a flexible job but coming to the end of a fixed term and terrified of the change and the next organisation being accommodating to me. I have a 1 and 3 year old. Both at nursery, my job is quite demanding (solicitor) but I balance that with working 3 days, though I’m not sure if I can continue to do that in a new role.

I was supposed to have an interview today with an organisation I really like but had to collect a poorly child and as it’s been several days now (I thought he was over it) I decided I ought to take him to the doctors, so have rearranged.

I get zero help from my DH which is part of my frustration. He works totally unencumbered by the children and doesn’t factor them in at all. I do every PU and DO and have to work my commitments around the children. I do all the doctors appts, shopping, cleaning (we do have a cleaner) house admin. My family help with childcare one day a week for one child - I don’t feel I can ask more of them and they won’t have a poorly child.

Just feel really disheartened - I want to develop and grow professionally but it feels like I have one hand tied behind my back! Im hoping more experienced Mums can tell me it gets easier?

You won't need a nanny forever though. In 3-4 years your DC will be in school and you'll need wraparound at most, meanwhile your earning potential is the same or higher and you've paid into your pension for critical years while your costs have dropped hugely.

i have looked into getting a nanny and might have to, but it just eats up all my salary!

It comes out of the joint pot as a shared cost, or the cost is split proportionate to income, however you work your family finances.

Remind him you wouldn't need a nanny at all if he bothered to parent his children.

We share all our money and he isn’t at all tight.

I think I need to speak to him and see how I can pin him down to some help. I think he could work his diary to do some pick ups, it’s more that he’s not prioritising it. Right now it’s not too bad but when the eldest starts school it will get more challenging. After school club doesn’t run as late as nursery.

I’ve never wanted to be a SAHM and certainly never told Dh I wanted to give up my career but I can see why some women think they don’t have much choice!

You have to play the long game in the preschool years. Sometimes you are just breaking even against one job, or even paying to work (although remember to factor in pretax pension and employer contribution on that) but once you climb out of the toddler years you are incomparably better off, careerwise and financially, for staying in.

I've been there, paying out eyebleeding amounts for nanny care and leaving at the crack of dawn and rushing home to take over bathtime, but I'm through those years and I'm better qualified, much better paid, and proud of myself.

Can't tell you how many times I Rolled my eyes and said fuck that out loud whilst reading this.

Hell would freeze over before I would put up with this shite. You said yourself he could have made it back if he'd wanted to. He didn't want to, he didn't want to make it back to care for his poorly child so that his wife could attend a job interview that was extremely important to her. It's not possible for him to commit??? Who marrys a man that can't/won't commit to them and their children?? Your poor kids! (Not poor you as you put up with it, your kids don't have a choice, bless them). And you do everything for him even though you're at the bottom of his list of priorities? 🤦‍♀️

How much solo parenting does he do/has he done since the children arrived?

So times you go out for the night/away/take a day for yourself?

I know that a huge number of very senior lawyers and partners at my firm have time booked out in their diary for drop offs a pick ups. It’s easily doable. Pick a day and mark it out.

This. If you and the meeting are that fucking important, people will wait for the Big Important Bod to be available.

If he really is billy big bollocks at work then he should be in a position to advocate for better/more family-friendly working arrangements.

I have 3 DC 6 and under and a non-useless DH and it’s still a juggle and sometimes a struggle but it’s our struggle not just mine.

Does your husband even realise he has children? Why has his job started making him travel so much at the same time he became a father?

I have kids the same age as yours and I also work 3 days a week. Your DH HAS to step up and help more. That's what makes it easy for us. It's totally 50/50 on days that we're both working. If he has an important meeting, I deal with anything that comes up, if I had an interview or appointment, he'd deal with emergencies. If something comes up and neither of us have any meetings/appointments etc then it goes on who did it last and the other person will go.

I have a 1 and 3 year old too and the bugs have started circulating between them. One catches something and then the other catches it a week later after the other has recovered. So we have 3 weeks of illness and then 1-2 weeks of them being well until the next cycle arrives. I feel your pain and I know we have a whole 6 months of this now.

I’m sorry I have no advice, just that I feel your pain. Last winter was rough and it appears this winter will be going the same way.

if your husband generally can’t help then I’m not sure. Pick ups and drop offs are manageable as nurseries are open early until late but sickness is a different story. I’m fortunate that I could give up work whilst they’re young as I remember my colleagues were off work more than they were in when their children were nursery age and the managers attitude made me nervous for when my time for children came. There isn’t much help for women with unhelpful husbands in this regard.

Why though? Why would some men not have much choice? My husband does far more drop offs and pick ups than I do. Somewhere along the line you and your husband have silently agreed it is somehow your job. (I have a lot of sympathy for you btw and hope you can find a way to get your husband to listen. Did you ever discuss the possibility he would go part time not you? It just sounds like ingrained sexism).

Sorry I just RTFT.
So he can't commit. But what would happen if you said that? He had kids so that's not an option.
What if you were ill or broke your leg and physically couldn't go and pick the kids up? He'd have to do it!

It depends what changes you can make. Without change it won't get easier.

In my case, it got harder. I did 60% if the grunt work when my babies were preschool and 90% through primary school, and was able to work full time in a fairly flexible but senior position. Once my eldest kids moved to secondary I had to stop work to facilitate the additional school runs and homework and extra curricular and emotional support.

So IME it gets harder, not easier and if you want change then there will have to be changes!

If he has such an important job then surely you can afford more childcare to ease things along? Please don't call him doing his equal share 'helping'.

I think that’s it - winter bugs setting in! The eldest has an ear infection so has been given some antibiotics. Atleast it was justified collecting him and running him to the doctors.

Thank you everyone for giving me some perspective. Some words to be had - I don’t think DH is consciously pushing all this onto me I think it’s just happened.

In regards to finding a role that's accommodating I think it's down to you to set your ways of working somewhat buy you can usually gey a sense of the flexibility at interview stage. In addition, as hard as it may be, you need to be clear and firm about your time. I'm in a senior position and inform people that I am unavailable from x to x as I have the school run.
I think pp have summed up my feelings about your other concerns on the amount you do. Its not sustainable, it's not really right unless agreed by the two of you and I can't fathom how one person believes they cannot commit to doing their bit. I've never posted a LTB and not going to now. Get a nanny for your own sanity.

If you want to progress in your career your DH needs to take on more of the load. My DH and I both have careers but share picks ups and drop offs 50/50. It's a piss take if you're doing everything.

That said, you can't have your cake and eat it as a family. If your husband is in a senior role travelling around the country, there is only so much he's ever going to be able to do. I'm sure he gets paid well for his job, so it will be impossible for your career to advance too without a nanny or similar help.

In some ways kids in nursery is way easier, wait until you have 13 weeks of school holidays to cover. We manage it without any family help but it's a military operation and we take a lot of separate leave to cover the days. Sort this out now or your going to have even more problems when your kids are both in school.

Divorce your DH - seriously.

That said, you can't have your cake and eat it as a family. If your husband is in a senior role travelling around the country, there is only so much he's ever going to be able to do. I'm sure he gets paid well for his job, so it will be impossible for your career to advance too without a nanny or similar help.

Yes I recognise that which is why I’ve tolerated to the extent I have and to be fair to DH, he recognises that too. He does acknowledge my contribution although perhaps at time he is too happy for me to be the one doing all the leg work and needs reminding of this.

Acknowledging your contribution is much easier to do than actually contributing himself

So do you just take time off work every time a child is ill? Does your work just get left until you return or are you reliant on colleagues to help? Your description of your DH makes me think of the Paul character in Motherland, (look up Paul / Julia conversations) only Paul would have said he was right behind you, rather than not minded to return so you could attend the interview.

I mostly work from home so am able to pick anything urgent up. Occasionally I’ll use leave for half a day which gives me some flex in that I only need to do half my hours but means I get enough done that I don’t disrupt my colleagues.

Yes it’s a bit like Motherland! I have thought that too!!