High paced job not for me anymore.. can't cope!

[Janett3]

Hi all

Has anyone taken a step backward or changed direction in their career following a life event like pregnancy etc?

For context, I'm 34, Vice President front office role with fair bit of travel, very long hours, high pressure, lot of responsibility, plus very understaffed... and I to be honest I really dislike the responsibility and stress that comes with the job and it's really affecting me and my relationships.

I have worked hard for the last 12+ years and I know at this time I should be grateful for the job and it's better paid than I can ever have imagined, but I'll be honest I am really struggling especially following 2 recurrent miscarriages over the last 6 months; I personally feel my high levels of stress was a contributing factor although I know this isn't medically approved and doctors don't say this.

Its all a bit much and just too high pressured for me now and I cannot cope. Having reflected my priority now to me is my health, my marriage (all the above has really taken its toll) and hopefully our future family if we are blessed in that way.

Also all the other seniors are men and there at every one senior female in the business has a stay at home husband, so I cannot see a role model also for me, which again I think is difficult and I have no one to talk to about this at work.

I have a professional qualification and would love to use my skills if I can in any way, but basically completely step back into a role with much less direct responsibility, less travel, shorter hours, possibly part time and ideally a local role too so no commute so I can try and de-stress to hopefully allow a pregnancy to happen.

The difficulty is in my industry in corporate finance I just didn't see these roles becoming available - part time is pretty unheard of and I don't even know where to begin. In addition there is part of me also feel defeated and embarrassed to say I cannot do it anymore.

Also if I move companies I believe I may have to wait for over a year to benefit from maternity. This is another factor that makes me feel trapped in my current role but I don't think I can go on any longer.

I feel that I coped with my career (just about) up to the point when I miscarried the first time - at which point I feel like I just cannot juggle it all, its way too much and that's before a baby even arrives. I want to have the time and mental capacity to enjoy being a wife, pregnancy, being a mother hopefully one day and not feel like I'm constantly stressed ready to implode... I suppose my priorities have changed. There are so many different factors and I am just a bit overwhelmed with what my next steps should be.

A long rambley message but has anyone been through something similar or have any advice I would really appreciate it.

Thanks so much
J x

Based on my own experience I would really advise you to get out now rather than hold on for the mat leave.

I was in City law not in corp finance but similar demands. I wasn’t enjoying it but hung on while TTC, partly for the mat benefits. Had two kids but ended up leaving work altogether when my DC were small as I just couldn’t juggle it all (DH works in M&A so was never around!), even with a great nanny, and was completely exhausted.

With hindsight I’d have been far better off, mentally and financially over the long term, if I’d ignored the mat benefits and moved into a more family friendly role while TTC. Especially since TTC ended up taking a while.

Can you move in house? Corporate strategy type roles? Or corp finance at an accountancy firm? Both will involve a big pay drop of course but are much more sustainable over the coming years. And it’s increasingly possible to ramp back up in future should you wish.

If you really loved your job my advice would be different but it doesn’t sound like you do?

Sorry to hear this, I similarly went part time for a few months when TTC after multiple miscarriages which helped immensely and I really enjoyed, however still ended up doing same role with a 1/5 less pay so in the long term it was not sustainable.
I would say at 34 you don’t know how much longer you have to conceive but you will certainly have another 20 or more years at work, for that reason prioritise yourself, try WFH, more fitting in more stress busting activities such as yoga/reflexology and if necessary take a back step. You have many more years to build back up your career.

Hi @minipie - thank you so much for sharing your experience. I feel like when you are stuck in the treadmill it can feel so daunting to step off and I personally feel like I have never heard the stories of how difficult it would be to juggle it all as women... it's helpful to know your experiences. I think your right about TTC and not knowing how long it will take. I really don't enjoy my job to be honest, in fact I dislike it, since being married I feel my priorities have changed. I know I need to keep earning but I just want to prioritise us, our family life etc, rather than this lucrative career. The idea of in-house is interesting, there may be something out there, it's hard to know where to start looking but maybe I need to speak to some recruiters. Thank you again.

Your life is worth more than the money. When you think about it, do we really need the bigger house, fancier car, fancier drinks and foods to be happy and content?

No! It’s the keeping up with the Joneses and engaging in conspicuous consumption to announce our success to the world.

I too am fed up and looking to get out.

@Bex000 thanks so much for taking the time to post - really helpful post as well.
A ' family friendly role ' sounds perfect and would be ideal - I thought about seeing if I can go part time in my current role but based on the nature of the role I don't think it would be possible and I don't know anyone else in my company who does that and I cannot imagine they would take any work off as they are so understaffed so I feel I would resent it.

There are some other roles open at the company which are basically way beneath my pay grade which I thought I could consider (ie associates). My concern would be I would still get looped into jobs from my previous role as they are so short staffed, and there is also a feeling of embarrassment (I know that's just pride) but to take a really obvious step down from VP to associate..

Stress busting activities also sound really what I need - feeling depleted now to even do these and my poor gym membership card has been gathering dust (even though I know that would help) but I know it will help long term and I will look into reflexology as this sounds interesting - thank you for the suggestion.

@Janett3 honestly if this was fine before sounded like delayed trauma from miscarriages have you had therapy? I find hypnotherapy and massage help me to relax from high pressure role with 3 kids

Also there could be any number of reasons why you miscarried and you may or may not have children in the end. Don't throw away a decade of work and effort before you even know if you could be a mother ! Everyone panics and lots of women work FT in challenging roles.

Sounds like you're having a wobble

I was in role not quite as stressful or highly paid as yours, but fairly senior in the Big4.

I took a step back last year into an in house role and it’s life changing. I haven’t even had a pay cut (I have lost future progression) but I’m so glad I did. I’m hoping to TTC this year and looking back at how stressed I was, I really think I might have struggled to conceive.

Make the change now and get settled somewhere which means you don’t dread every day.

Why is the job so stressful? It's not like you are going to kill anyone. What's the worse that will happen? You get sacked.
Is there a way to deal with the stress?

@Why2why I agree in principle - it's hard because reality of living... we have just brought a house a while ago - it's a big project so requires some more expensive work. While we could afford it off my husbands salary, We also owe parents money and my husband is fairly new in his career so whilst he's earning well he still has a student loan etc.

We don't have expensive cars or go on really fancy holidays often but life is quite expensive generally and getting more so, and I like the idea of paying down the debts which is keeping me in this job tbh and has allowed us to lay down significant amounts in the last few years. And I know the answer to that is buy a less expensive house but this one feels like one we could grow into as a family.

But ultimately if I can still contribute to the family income then I think that's a happy medium!

Wishing you all the best

Gosh you are exactly where I was almost 4 years ago - I was the same age as you then too.
I was board level on a six figure salary having worked my socks off. I then had a very late miscarriage and it changed everything for me. I was fortunate to fall pregnant again and went off on mat leave. I used to sit in coffee shops with my baby listening to people have these earnest corporate conversations and just roll my eyes at how ludicrous they sounded. But 6 months before they were me!
Anyway long story short I never went back. It just wasn't me any more, but I still wanted to work.
I set up my own business in something totally and completely left field, but I LOVED it. Couldn't be more different to what I used to do, no one could believe it when I told them.
I went from 6 figures to earning £1600 in my first 3 months.
3 years later I still absolutely adore it, work part time, and turnover is £170k per annum.
I've never regretted moving from my old job for a second.

@bridgetjonesmassivepants
I suppose everyone has different stress thresholds.
I believe I have around a medium stress threshold.

The job is not going to kill anyone, but there is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders which I certainly feel, lots of presenting to clients, it's incredibly fast paced, you can't leave it at work, lots of travel, the hours are very long, the expectation is high. In essence, it's demanding.

I am 'hyper conscientious' so a job like this means I think about it a lot outside of work. I often envy those who can just relax shut the laptop at the end of the day and switch off. I struggle to do that.

Agree I need better stress management techniques but I also think that I personally am not cut out for this job anymore and I can hold my hands up and say that.

@Mushroo thank you so much for your experience - appreciate your advice. I'm so glad you found something that suited you much better.

Best of luck TTC!

I personally feel like I have never heard the stories of how difficult it would be to juggle it all as women

I live in an area stuffed with lawyers and bankers… in 95% of families where both partners used to do high flying City jobs, the woman has ended up quitting or drastically downsizing her job at some point.

There is the odd exception where both have continued their mega jobs, they have wrap around nannies and it only works because their kids are easy, no major sleep issues or SN or difficulty at school etc.

I am assuming your DH works in something similar. If he does a more 9-5 job and is happy to take on the “primary parent” role then things might be different and easier for you to continue, IF you wanted to.

Fully understand it is difficult to step away from what’s seen as a very desirable, successful and insanely well paid job! But at the end of the day, if it’s making you miserable in other ways it’s not a successful job, is it?

@foxster22 - thank you for your message and experiences. I think I certainly have some trauma from the Miscarriages and need better coping mechanism - the last one I was particularly anxious because of the first one. My husband and I are having joint therapy actually starting soon but perhaps I need some for the MC too. I think it's best to maybe do one thing at a time.

I feel like I've been wobbling for a while and just about holding it together so whilst I don't want to throw it all away I do think I need to maybe make a change, but I do wonder if it is like an imposter syndrome holding me back from thinking I can do it all.

I really like your suggestion of hypnotherapy or massage - I don't have any good self care practices like these and I am sure they would be helpful. Thank you!

@minipie - that's very interesting thank you for sharing.

My husbands job is demanding and definitely not 9-5. More like 8-6.30 including commute but then he works every evening for a couple of Hours - I think hence the strain on our marriage as we are both super strained.

He is a few years into his career but doing very well and has huge potential. I personally would be happy for the sake of me / our marriage to just take foot off the gas and to hopefully be a better wife / person to live with if I can find something less 'intense' - it's just finding that whilst not giving it all up - therein lies the predicament I think !

It depends how your view your job.

im a qualified chartered accountants worked 16 years at a big 4 in audit all way up to manager. Then family came along and I left. ( and yes I had a miscarriage whilst still working)

I viewed the job as a means to an end - gave me money a small mortgage etc but I could not put kids to bed then work into the early hours. So I left. Woukd never go back

i think jobs go through phases - right now your priorities are changing.

Only you can decide. Best of luck xx

Sorry for your losses OP. I agree with PPs, get out now whilst you’re still young and able to enjoy another career.

Fair play to you - I only lasted 5 years in a high paced corporate job and jacked it in to become a teacher. It’s a fraction of what I earned before, but worth it as I am happy now. The hours are practically part time (8:30-3:30 with 13 weeks holiday ad a short commute). Feels very cushty in comparison to my previous life!

@iamloading thank you for sharing your experiences. I love your bravery to do that and it sounds like a big success so well done and also for taking the leap! I'm so sorry to hear about the late MC as well, but glad you had your baby after that!

I would love to work for myself and step away from Finance completely to be honest. I'm so disillusioned by it, and I am a creative person but my job doesn't utilise that creativity at all. I just don't know what that could be in and it feels like I would take such a huge pay cut that's it's a bit scary and probably not right for me right now and would put too much pressure on my husband - but we will have to see how life evolves I suppose, hopefully one day I can pursue something I'm passionate about and love my work again!

I worked in corporate finance. Loved the content of the job and it was quite glamorous at times but the hours were brutal. Of the 100 fee earners in our department, there was one other woman plus me. Not many women lasted beyond a year as they felt the sacrifice was too great.

The money was fantastic and, when we finally got out of the office, the socialising was a lot of fun. I resigned when I had my first child as I wouldn't have seen much of them. It was also very dog eat dog, particularly in downturns when they wanted to cull staff.

I went back part-time thereafter, but in a non client facing role, and kept on with that after my second. I miss the mental challenge of client work but it's hard to have much of a work life balance in M&A transaction work. I'm meeting two CF ex colleagues for breakfast tomorrow to reminisce about the madness....

Sort of similar situation here so thought it might be helpful to share. I wanted to move job for same reasons (ready to start a family, couldn’t see how it would work with stress levels). Explored all kinds of options, from retraining to freelance, but in the end moved to a role that is similar seniority and pay.

The thing I actually needed was to go somewhere new, and reset my boundaries. New job is just a job, and has been from day one. Nobody would say I don’t pull my weight, but overworking isn’t my default. And I don’t have the same emotional connection to work that used to keep me up at night.

Some things that helped: I moved to a bigger company which was more financially stable (guess equivalent for you is somewhere that isn’t chronically understaffed?). And didn’t leave until I had put enough money in a savings account to cover a chunk of mat leave if I didn’t qualify in time, or if it was a huge mistake I could take a break between roles (made a huge psychological difference to know I had that financial buffer).

Can’t really claim all the credit, took six months of therapy to figure out The Plan, which I would really recommend. But am now a very happy week away from mat leave and enjoying new job.

Good luck with whatever you decide 😊

I often envy those who can just relax shut the laptop at the end of the day and switch off. I struggle to do that.

Just picking this as representative of a theme through your posts.

My view is that this comes from you not the job. If you don't have strategies to switch off from work at the end of the day, that will follow you wherever you work in whatever role. So better to begin focusing on how you can change your behaviour and habits and feelings now.

You've had lots of different suggestions so it's a case of finding what's right for you. For what it's worth, I wonder whether some focused CBT could help you learn different ways of thinking, acting and coping that would in time have a dramatic effect on your quality of life - as it would have a ripple effect in all stressful situations not just work. CBT does take sustained effort and commitment but the evidence base is sound.

It is quite a normal trauma response to want to 'run away' from your existing life with big bold changes (which your combined list of desired changes is) - but the advice is generally to wait 12 months after a trauma before making big decisions.

You listed a LOT of things you want to change - personally, I'd consider exploring those one at a time rather than all at once. It's more likely to be successful and sustainable.

Separately, and being practical, taking a step down within the same organisation can be very challenging - not just pride, but boundaries as people adjust to new expectations of you and frustration for you at the loss of autonomy that goes with a step down. (Dont underestimate how frustrating it can be even if you are longing to give up responsibility.)

Key to success with being part time in a professional role is planning ahead - so ensuring priority work doesn't fall into a black hole on your non-work day; communicating to your clients/colleagues so they know you have NWD coming up and you handover; being able to gauge when you need to flex occasionally to make things happen (whilst having the boundaries so it's not always); being able to achieve continuity of work across your working pattern, etc.

If there's nobody part time at your level who could mentor you in the skills to make a success of it, what about elsewhere in the organisation or your wider network? Are there any women's networks for corporate finance you could get involved with to tap into experience and skills with managing part time roles?

It can be a daunting prospect to manage part time in an org where it's not standard, but there are skills to be learnt in making a success of part time working in your kind of setting - if you can find people to learn from that will help.

Those are my thoughts reading your posts - take anything that's helpful and disregard the rest!

Tricky. Sorry if this is a really silly idea but I'm the meantime could you not talk to someone? Boss / Senior. Not let on quite how desperate you feel, but ask if you can delegate a task?

I had exactly the same experience earlier this year when I unexpectedly fell pregnant then had an early miscarriage. I was working in a very fast paced, high pressure environment at the time also. Falling pregnant really made me reevaluate everything and I handed my notice in shortly after as I felt the same as you, it was too much and I couldn’t envisage how it would work throwing a pregnancy and baby into the mix too! I can’t really explain it, it’s like something switched in my mind overnight and my whole perspective has changed.

I now work in a more junior role at a company with an amazing culture which is very family orientated. I took a significant pay cut but I don’t regret it one bit, I’m not stressed any more and get to finish at 5pm every day! It has seriously changed my life for the better, I feel like a different person and now feel more ready to hopefully expand our family soon!

All the best with whatever you decide to do 💐

Would you still take pleasure from creativity if it was your job and you had to deliver even when you were drawing a creative blank? And your creativity had to fit within commercial constraints?

What do you have in your life outside work that uses your creativity? When it's pure hobby you have control and it doesn't turn into a chore that you no longer enjoy (then you have a job you hate and no hobby either!).

Maybe part of the answer is to add more things that are meaningful, enjoyable, or fulfilling into your non-work life rather than focusing on subtracting things or trying to find a way for work to meet all your needs?

If I were you I'd think about the exact role you want and ask your company to make it happen. As a senior woman in male-dominated corporate finance they should be moving heaven and earth to retain you, particularly if you have disclosed your miscarriages to them.

I would sit down and write out an ideal job spec for yourself, identify which bits of the role you want to offload and propose a solution eg recruiting additional resource, promoting within the team or taking on a secondee from another department etc. Then take it to your boss and to HR.

As an interim step you could also ask them to pay for a an external coach to help you figure this out.

The worst that can happen is they say no!