High paced job not for me anymore.. can't cope!

[Janett3]

Hi all

Has anyone taken a step backward or changed direction in their career following a life event like pregnancy etc?

For context, I'm 34, Vice President front office role with fair bit of travel, very long hours, high pressure, lot of responsibility, plus very understaffed... and I to be honest I really dislike the responsibility and stress that comes with the job and it's really affecting me and my relationships.

I have worked hard for the last 12+ years and I know at this time I should be grateful for the job and it's better paid than I can ever have imagined, but I'll be honest I am really struggling especially following 2 recurrent miscarriages over the last 6 months; I personally feel my high levels of stress was a contributing factor although I know this isn't medically approved and doctors don't say this.

Its all a bit much and just too high pressured for me now and I cannot cope. Having reflected my priority now to me is my health, my marriage (all the above has really taken its toll) and hopefully our future family if we are blessed in that way.

Also all the other seniors are men and there at every one senior female in the business has a stay at home husband, so I cannot see a role model also for me, which again I think is difficult and I have no one to talk to about this at work.

I have a professional qualification and would love to use my skills if I can in any way, but basically completely step back into a role with much less direct responsibility, less travel, shorter hours, possibly part time and ideally a local role too so no commute so I can try and de-stress to hopefully allow a pregnancy to happen.

The difficulty is in my industry in corporate finance I just didn't see these roles becoming available - part time is pretty unheard of and I don't even know where to begin. In addition there is part of me also feel defeated and embarrassed to say I cannot do it anymore.

Also if I move companies I believe I may have to wait for over a year to benefit from maternity. This is another factor that makes me feel trapped in my current role but I don't think I can go on any longer.

I feel that I coped with my career (just about) up to the point when I miscarried the first time - at which point I feel like I just cannot juggle it all, its way too much and that's before a baby even arrives. I want to have the time and mental capacity to enjoy being a wife, pregnancy, being a mother hopefully one day and not feel like I'm constantly stressed ready to implode... I suppose my priorities have changed. There are so many different factors and I am just a bit overwhelmed with what my next steps should be.

A long rambley message but has anyone been through something similar or have any advice I would really appreciate it.

Thanks so much
J x

Absolutely yes to those who said move somewhere new to re-set your boundaries. I stopped working when I needed to be with my child and logged on later if needed. I stopped responding to emails immediately. I let people wait. I gave about 80%. I didn't 'care' on a deep level, it became just a job. And nobody noticed!!

I feel the very same. Applied for a mid manager role and was given a more senior one with £15k more pay. Am 2 months in and hating it. So much stress, working lots of extra hours and not sleeping well at all. We are in the process of buying a new house and as soon as mortgage approved, and we complete, I am going to start looking for new job. The money is just not worth it at all.

I've been ttc for dc2 for 4 1/2 years and stuck in a job I don't enjoy. I've had 3 mc and lots of ivf. If I could afford to quit I would. I think it sounds a good idea for you to look for a new role.

Off topic I know but you should consider going to an immune or miscarriage specialist. I see Professor Shehata at the CRP clinic - main clinic in epsom, but he also has a london clinic. Turns out my body has been attacking embryos.

@seven201 - thank you for the recommendation - I have been researching recurrent miscarriage testing, as I really don't want to go through this again 😢wish you all the best for TTC

@completelyunderwhelmed - thank you! Resetting boundaries is so needed but I think I need to work on myself too and stress management etc so that whatever role I go into I can feel more like I am coping, as I do find it hard not to care. I take on a lot of the feeling of responsibility - if it goes wrong it's on my shoulders etc but I think in part it's a function of the responsibility in my role and the fact it's understaffed etc.

@whywhywhy5 thank you for sharing your experience, I'm glad you are in a happy place now and it sounds like your children have thrived which is great - please can I ask if you moved to the lower paid role before or after your children? I certainly think I'll need to when I have children, the question is whether I can survive TTC / pregnancy. I think it would be great if we are able to pivot more with our careers ie take foot on and off gas - rather than feeling like if we step back for a few years it will be hard to get back in.

@Ellie00 I realised I have a typo. I've had 4 mc. It was after the third that I had miscarriage investigations. Prof Shehata thinks it should be standard to start investigations after 2. Good luck.

@Ellie00 I moved before TTC. I think it's just 4 months you have to be in role before maternity leave to get paid

@figmaofmyimagination thank you! I'll start looking to see what's out there - sadly not many local or part time roles in what I do, but I will start speaking to recruiters etc too to see what they think. Agree, saving needs to be a focus!

@sHREDDIES19 thank you for sharing - when (hopefully!) I have children i definitely feel I want more of the focus to be on theming to be lower stress. I couldn't see my self doing this role with children in the picture to be honest - the question is whether I hang in there a bit longer, do it now, or change role in my current company, find PT, total change etc - mulli over the options now... Im happy to take a pay cut but do think I need a bit more savings before then.

@Hembria - thank you some really interesting ideas here!

Agree a phase out approach is the best.

I've never really thought about mentoring or charity board - food for thought!

Sometimes it takes a while for you to accept things have changed or that you have changed. I’ve been grappling with career versus time with my family but applied for a job that would have probably broken us if I’d got it. I didn’t get it and was genuinely over the moon. I needed it to jolt me into accepting that I’m in a phase where family matters more and I need to accept a bit of career stalling has been an active choice rather than just feeling pissed off about it.

id also be wary about hanging on for mat leave. I did that once and felt miserable. It was much harder going back after mat leave and applying for jobs when I’d not been back long than it would have been to have started to apply when I had good projects to talk about, was fully in the work zone etc.

@Janett3 I know it’s been awhile but just wondering what your choice was and how it panned out. I’m in a similar situation (working in FO in banking) and am thinking of expanding family. Thank you!

@Janett3 I think it would be a good idea to speak to a couple of quality headhunters within that field and I don't think you need to look at part time just yet until you have actually become a mum - however I do think you need to look at a new role (even if it's a step back both in time and money) in a company that truly embraces family friendly practices- be that part time or more WFH etc- be honest with the headhunter - it's way easier to set this criteria right from the beginning with a new organisation rather than trying to change the culture in your current one.

@Janett3 forgot to say- I would have6 weeks off between jobs too- give yourself an extended break to clear your head and reset your mindset