High paced job not for me anymore.. can't cope!

[Janett3]

Hi all

Has anyone taken a step backward or changed direction in their career following a life event like pregnancy etc?

For context, I'm 34, Vice President front office role with fair bit of travel, very long hours, high pressure, lot of responsibility, plus very understaffed... and I to be honest I really dislike the responsibility and stress that comes with the job and it's really affecting me and my relationships.

I have worked hard for the last 12+ years and I know at this time I should be grateful for the job and it's better paid than I can ever have imagined, but I'll be honest I am really struggling especially following 2 recurrent miscarriages over the last 6 months; I personally feel my high levels of stress was a contributing factor although I know this isn't medically approved and doctors don't say this.

Its all a bit much and just too high pressured for me now and I cannot cope. Having reflected my priority now to me is my health, my marriage (all the above has really taken its toll) and hopefully our future family if we are blessed in that way.

Also all the other seniors are men and there at every one senior female in the business has a stay at home husband, so I cannot see a role model also for me, which again I think is difficult and I have no one to talk to about this at work.

I have a professional qualification and would love to use my skills if I can in any way, but basically completely step back into a role with much less direct responsibility, less travel, shorter hours, possibly part time and ideally a local role too so no commute so I can try and de-stress to hopefully allow a pregnancy to happen.

The difficulty is in my industry in corporate finance I just didn't see these roles becoming available - part time is pretty unheard of and I don't even know where to begin. In addition there is part of me also feel defeated and embarrassed to say I cannot do it anymore.

Also if I move companies I believe I may have to wait for over a year to benefit from maternity. This is another factor that makes me feel trapped in my current role but I don't think I can go on any longer.

I feel that I coped with my career (just about) up to the point when I miscarried the first time - at which point I feel like I just cannot juggle it all, its way too much and that's before a baby even arrives. I want to have the time and mental capacity to enjoy being a wife, pregnancy, being a mother hopefully one day and not feel like I'm constantly stressed ready to implode... I suppose my priorities have changed. There are so many different factors and I am just a bit overwhelmed with what my next steps should be.

A long rambley message but has anyone been through something similar or have any advice I would really appreciate it.

Thanks so much
J x

You sound like my best friend, we both do accounts but I love it, she hates it. She paints, makes wedding cards, stationary etc, boxes. If you are creative you're going to have to find an outlet for this craving alongside your job.

My other friend is the senior partner at an employment lawyer firm is going to step down to 4 days soon and has taken on other work legally for a charity etc. It's harder in finance, but I'd still seek a 4 day week rather than ft.

I was Corporate Finance Big 4 in a senior role when I had the exact same realisation as you - 16 years ago.

I went to a Boutique consultancy (economics, finance). Simply because I wanted the flexibility and a little less pressure. And the Partners at the Big 4 were hardly role models: most were very highly stressed and had relationships crumbling. In those days it was a big drinking, alpha culture that made me feel sick.

Then when I had my babies I stayed in that Consultancy firm. The directors were supportive of work:life balance and flexible arrangements so I went part time, 3 days per week (with a nanny/housekeeper at home for those days).
Never looked back.

Now my kids are older I'm full time again but my aim is to drop back down to 3 days per week. We don't need the money and I'd rather have a life.

I want to have the time and mental capacity to enjoy being a wife, pregnancy, being a mother hopefully one day and not feel like I'm constantly stressed ready to implode

My advice is this. Go to a firm where the people who are 45+ are happy, who have families in tact, who do things outside of work. Look up. Who is at the top. Choose companies whose VALUES shine through. The money will sort itself out.

I also agree with pp that as a people pleaser and a yes-man your boundaries are way off and this will follow you to from job to job unless you address it now.

I worked for quite a lot of years in HR and recruitment OP before having a business and the number of fantastic level women who just found finance and law jobs at high levels 'too much mentally' once they had kids and partners was huge.-- even with nannies and housekeepers!! And especially when husbands/partners had similar jobs.

I personally would look for a still high level but more flexible role that can be partly remote, part in the office- probably still full time but probably at a slightly lower level but a biggie as someone said above is to go for the companies that seem very flexible and accommodate family friendly policies because they are more likely to be fine with a 3 day a week role if you have a little one . I think you are more likely to get this in a company that already has people in those kinds of roles

The thing I actually needed was to go somewhere new, and reset my boundaries. New job is just a job, and has been from day one. Nobody would say I don’t pull my weight, but overworking isn’t my default. And I don’t have the same emotional connection to work that used to keep me up at night

I relate so much to this, overworking has become a default and this emotional connection with work that keeps me up at night. It's so true a job is just a job, especially when you have a relationship and family that these should be a priority together with your own health.

I think you've identified something really important - you don't enjoy your job. Not just the stress and the juggle, but the work itself, if I understand you correctly. My advice would be to find a great therapist and spend some time exploring what you might like to do instead. I have spent 20 years in a professional role (less stressful and less well paid than yours but quite pressurised) that isn't right for me. I've tried EVERYTHING to 'make it work' - part-time, therapy, time management etc. It's all helped, but ultimately I am in the wrong job for me - and am now actively retraining for a career change. It feels great! I wish I hadn't stayed in my old job for so long. We don't have to stick with what we chose in our early 20s - give yourself permission to career change if that's what you really want to do. Yes this might involve some lifestyle adjustment but I guarantee you it will be totally worth it.

Hi all

I just want to say thank you so on much for your wonderfully intelligent and thoughtful responses sharing your experience - it's so very very helpful and what a great support this is.

There's so much here to unpack and I will go through every response shortly. It's helping me form a plan of action.

Thank you!
J

@lot123 thank you for taking the time to respond and sounds like you had some great times. It's interesting you left after you had children and that does seem like a running theme to leave after children rather than before children... It sounds like you enjoyed the role too whereas perhaps for me I don't enjoy it so much but I'm glad you managed to find PT non client facing role post children that suited your lifestyle.

@NorthernExpat some really great points - thank you for sharing and I like the idea of your Plan you developed. Therapy could be a great idea although I feel so much support from Mn that these replies I feel are really helping me formulate my views.

Great you could find a role similar seniority and pay but reestablish boundaries - I think it's hard to change perceptions/boundaries once you've started at a company perhaps and company culture is key.

Having a savings buffer is such a good idea as my concern is also about moving then not qualifying if we get pregnant sooner. Before I take any action I'm certainly going to try and do that and like you say that would provide a psychological reassurance too as at the moment our savings are low because of other expenses. Can I ask how much you aimed to cover ie 3 / 6 month salary / more?

Glad you are happy in your new role and best of luck - enjoy your Mat leave :)

There are definitely more family friendly roles that this.

Is there a women’s membership organisation in your business? If so join, ring them up and get someone to go for coffee with. Look at the trade paper for your industry, there will be best places to work type features - contact those companies and go talk to them. Also go talk to recruitment companies.

Once you’ve talked to a few people write down clearly what you want now, and what you want in 5 years. Get an exec coach to help you as necessary. Avoid underfunded and start ups - they are always understaffed.

You should absolutely reshape your career - but don’t chuck the baby out with the bath water. You will likely get a few people here saying - I was much happier on a quarter of the salary etc, but the reality is you have to pay for kids, so you don’t want to chuck the whole thing, just take control and make it work for you.

@midairchallenger you make a great point about stress management and how I handle it - I need to certainly work on that and I think that whilst there are external stress factors for this job there is a degree of strain every job and I need to learn to cope better with that. Thank you for your suggestions on CBT - I did try it many years ago; I don't know how patient I am but I should look into it. Other things have been suggested also like massage, hypnotherapy, reflexology so I think I need to create a plan to see what could work best for me and just pick one or two to start with. If I don't get that under control the store will follow me around wherever I go

It's interesting your point also about running away after trauma and best to wait 12 m or so - I do agree with that to an extent and I do feel I want to run away, but I think even before the MC I was struggling in this role to be honest so I don't think it's totally reactive. Whilst I think it's best not to make a drastic decision and quit immediately I should take that into consideration that I wasn't enjoying it before and even then it felt like too much so maybe it's not the most suitable role for me. I think I should give it a few months to mull over these points, look at various options and go from there.

You're right also about me wanting to change a lot of things - I feel that I cant cope with much at all now which is probably why I feel like that, but perhaps when the dust settles I will be able to find more of a middle ground.

Thank you - so much food for thought!

@midairchallenger - when I'm replying I can only see half you message so I had to split this into two.

I think your points about taking a step down in the same organisation is such a good one. While I imagine I want less responsibility right now I think I would find it very difficult to suddenly become someone else's lapdog.

There is a women's network at work - my concern in all honesty is that it's all about pushing women to do more, reach new heights, how to plug the pay gap etc... the few senior women saying how they did it, rather than the realities of the struggle / stepping down or back (this is my experience of the events I've been too). Most of the senior women speakers seem to have a stay at home partner or no children. I don't think this will be a reality for me - (even if we can't have children we'd like to adopt) and my DH is very driven. Maybe I'm making assumptions here though.

Do you think moving PT before children is seen as a 'weak' move in a way? I know it's not the norm as most women go PT post children... I imagine I would sacrifice some of my maternity and Also as my current company are short staffed i truly feel the work wouldn't go anywhere, I'd be paid less and would need to do the same level of work just squeeze it into a shorter timeframe. PT roles aren't advertised in my industry so I imagine if I wanted to go PT it's probably best to do it at my current company where I have more leverage, than apply for a FT role and say I want to just do 3.5/4 days.

Thank you once again! :)

@Oblomov22 - thank you! indeed, I have tried this for the last 6 + months - we have many open positions that are struggling to be filled, I know if they could they would be, but it seems like a struggle.

@cardiffgal22 thank you for sharing your experiences and I can really relate to your post. I'm sorry to hear about your MC but So glad you found something that suits you. A family oriented culture and leaving at 5 pm sounds so lovely :) I do feel like something switched in me also following the MC so I totally get that. I am thinking from the comments I've read whilst part of me wants to do that, perhaps it's best for me to take a little bit more time to save up, explore avenues, stress management techniques, talk to more people, weigh up options etc then go from there.

Thank you

@midairchallenger totally agree again with your comment about creativity and constraints etc.

I think I need to find some hobbies that can fulfill me in this way and do this in a meaningful way rather than drastic leaps (at this stage in life at least- maybe when we're more financially secure I could experiment more here.

To be honest the reason I haven't is because time always feels so limited. No time in evenings , weekends go by so quickly, I'm generally pretty exhausted following busy week, we're renovating which in itself is like another job, seeing family etc on weekend plus following the MC I feel exhausted by life and less motivated... Hope that makes sense. I would like to get into sewing though so yes I think I'll add this to my action plan even if it's only once a month. Thank you!

You need to step away but via a bridge.

As an idea -

hunt for board positions for charities or organisations you're passionate about. With your skills and current position you would be a dream candidate and be able to really help them in a non-labour intensive way. This kind of role keeps you looking important and feeling valued and gives you opportunities to step back into a high position if desired at a later date.

Phase out your job over an agreed timetable. 6/9/12 months. This gives you time to reflect, evaluate and decide.

Set up online mentoring to make some cash and keep your cv interesting - you're an incredible woman, I'm sure lots of people would love coaching from you.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Sorry you’ve had such a rough time :(

I think in your position I would start to actively look for part time positions nearer home that use your skillset, whilst also saving every penny possible from your current higher salary to build a maternity pay buffer.

I just want to give me perspective on things. Whilst I'm pretty smart, have a post grad, I decided against a high flying career. At the time I wasn't even sure about kids but I've never gotten deep fulfilment from work and I'm not driven by money. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I currently do and the money is adequate but I can leave it behind at the end of the day, it's flexible, low stress levels plus more importantly, it allows me to focus on the real deal, which is life. Now I have kids, having the time to focus on them is priceless. Life is very short and many of us don't make it to old age. Remember that when you're slogging your guts out during your prime years as you'll never get that time back. Total cliché I know but it's borne from truth.

@florianfortescue - good idea and I do know they want to ‘keep me’ they made that clear. I have floated idea by my manager many times about stepping back, but I probably haven't been definite and clear, i.e. in an email or a list. I have also explained what I want in terms of more support but due to limited resource they unable to fulfill meaningfully it at present - I've waited 6 months, how Long more will I have to wait..! My other concern is that I don't like commuting and now there is more expectation to be in the office. This is why I was thinking a move to a local office may be better - I like being in the office environment but can't stand the unreliable commute (made more tricky with travel!) it worked well for me during covid to be honest as all client meetings were online, prior to that I was in the city centre but it's intensified now as it's back to many face to face meetings. But I could always put in a request to WFH permanently in my desired outcomes and not client facing.

Whilst I find it awkward asking for these things as you say the worst they can do is say no. I do think I would feel bad asking for these things if also deep down I wanted to leave due to the nature of work/culture of company etc.

Food for thought! Need to stew on this. Thank you again :)

I feel overwhelmed by all the lovely, unique and thoughtful responses and perspectives. Thank you so much. I will reply to all, it's just taking some time

Glad it's been helpful. I agree that, if you're doing corporate finance transaction work, it would be really difficult to do part time. Tight deadlines don't wait and I haven't met anyone working PT in CF at an investment bank. Perhaps a Big 4 firm might offer more flexibility as they have a slightly more rounded outlook on work-life balance.

Having just met my CF friends, we all agreed that we couldn't have stuck it for years on end. One went into private equity, one into high end recruitment, some into CFO type roles in industry. All well paid but perhaps not quite the same pressure to be in the office late into the evening and at weekends.

Just to add that some of my colleagues stayed in CF at investment banks. The managing directors didn't perhaps work such extreme hours as those below them. Neither did they see much of their families but their reward was hefty seven figure annual bonuses.

It's hard to walk away from that kind of money but there's definitely a corresponding sacrifice in terms of your personal life.

OP I get it and yes I quit a similar job, although I wasn’t as senior as you I gave up a lot of money and ‘opportunities’. So much happier and healthier now!!

Truth is, jobs like that are completely incompatible with pregnancy and motherhood. A very stressed pregnant rabbit will usually reabsorb her fetus. A very stressed woman will usually miscarry. I’m so very sorry that happened to you.

I’d chat through with a therapist and maybe a recruiter to get some outside perspective. You need to recognise that finance is a shit job that’s bad for the body and soul, and explore what else you could do…

Take a massive paycut and find something with good hours and calm people.

I left a £200k job for a £65k job and I had never been happier. I had horrendous pregnancies and found having small children and no sleep very very hard, so having a job with little stress or pressure worked well (although it was a massive adjustment). I'd never been happier and DC have strived because they are at the centre of our world.

10 years later, I'm starting to have some regrets as it's hard not to compare lifestyles with our friends. Maybe I didn't have to be so dramatic. I've moved up a bit but the lack of money is doing my head in, so I am considering selling out again.

Good luck with whatever you do. Agree that your mental

Sorry that meant to say - your mental health is so important when you're trying to carry a pregnancy and TTC