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Original poster

Any advice on whether one can be away a lot and yet fully present in child’s life?

75 replies

Intromum · 07/06/2022 22:46

I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to change my role at work and take my career to a different level. That would mean, however, staying away from home a lot and generally working more. I feel like I am choosing between being there for my child (who is still a toddler) and having a better career. Have you had to make that choice? Have you ever had to regret the choice you made? Is it possible to be away a lot but present enough for your child? How would you achieve that?

OP posts:
ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 07/06/2022 22:55

No, you cannot.

I was that child.

Coughee · 07/06/2022 22:56

But what is 'present enough'? People's ideas of what is present enough are going to vary. For some that would mean always being home to put them to bed, for others it would mean spending the majority of their time with them while they are preschoolers. Others might well feel that dedicating every weekend to them and being there for the big events like birthdays and school assemblies is enough.

olympicsrock · 07/06/2022 22:57

I was away 4-5 nights a week last year for career reasons. I don’t regret it.

my sons ( 8 and 5) bonded with DH who had to step up to the plate. They became much closer.
I tended to work Monday to Friday and be present at weekends.
we sent each other video messages and I micromanaged the hell out of it with mums WhatsApp groups packing bags of sports kit etc ans leaving by the door.
DH is also more competent now.

olympicsrock · 07/06/2022 22:59

Now that my career is at a higher level I have more autonomy - I can get to school events far more easily. It’s a fairly short period of time . My children know they are loved!

rattlemehearties · 07/06/2022 23:01

Depends what staying away from home a lot means! A few days a week? Or a few months at time? Something between? You can definitely still be present as long as when you are at home, you're really "present".

Do they have another parent in their lives when you're away ie are they left in a family environment for mornings, evenings? Are you happy they are happy when you're gone?

HerRoyalNotness · 07/06/2022 23:04

Depends on frequency. My H works away a couple months at a time. For our older two he’s their dad but irrelevant to their day to day life. They don’t want to talk to him on FT. The youngest misses him and will take his calls, but she doesn’t remember really how long he’s been working away. 2yrs out of 5 so far.

Mustardmusings · 07/06/2022 23:07

Definitely depends how frequently. Toddlerhood is a difficult time to do it. Do you have a partner who would be there?

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/06/2022 23:09

Do you have a partner? If you do then that just means they are going to have to step up and be the primary carer and you will be the secondary for a while. Within that framework then yes of course you can be present.

If you don’t have a partner then are there other family members who can step up? If so it should be manageable if finite, toddlers are usually pretty happy with a few different parent figures as long as they know them all well.

Instantnoodles · 07/06/2022 23:12

I don't think that it is possible for a parent to be fully present whilst absent. However if you have a very present and consistent OH your child will probably be fine.

FusionChefGeoff · 07/06/2022 23:34

I think the point pp made about being able to be more autonomous then more senior you are is really worth considering. If this jump will ultimately mean you're The Boss sooner and could dictate working hours in the future? That could really pay off at a time when your kids will actually remember.

The other point is about fully switching off work when you are home. If the new role will mean working away AND expectation to constantly monitor email / respond then you (and kids)will be getting worst of both worlds. You would have to be very strict about home life when you are actually home in order to give your kids the best of you.

But ultimately I would say go for it

Namenic · 07/06/2022 23:51

It depends on the kids’ personalities, their ages, if you have a partner (and how capable they are), any other support and how long it is for.

when I was small, my dad was working quite a lot - came home at night but didn’t really see him during week - only weekends (don’t think I have that many memories of him during this period). Then there was a change and he worked from home all the time, but I went to boarding school (which I enjoyed). I felt that I had good quality time with him during the holidays and grew closer to him during that time. I saw my mum a lot (sahm) and there was a lot of help from relatives and babysitters. I’m close to my parents now.

I would consider doing it for a couple of years (maybe when kids are age 6-8), but not long term.

Original poster
Intromum · 08/06/2022 00:00

Im sorry to hear that. Are there are particular ways in which you would say your mum being away has affected you?

OP posts:
Velvetapp · 08/06/2022 00:16

Of course it will affect your child. I wouldn’t and couldn’t do it. Sorry.

Original poster
Intromum · 08/06/2022 00:23

the above reply was for @ChardonnaysBeastlyCat

Yes, I have a partner and he is very hands on. The role would involve working in the evenings and staying away from home for anything between 2-3 days to a week or so at this stage, on a continuous basis. This would be a long term arrangement i.e. the actual “destination” role with very little further progress to be made. On a practical/physical level my child would be absolutely fine. I am nevertheless worried about her missing me and feeling abandoned.

@olympicsrock
very encouraging to hear!

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 08/06/2022 00:26

Someone has to be the primary care/attached person for a pre-schooler/tiny child. If you want to pursue an opportunity then that's fine, I cannot tell you how fine that is, but that has to come with the knowledge that someone else will need to fulfil that primary carer role.

DH did it for years, I was the primary person at home. It was fine. DH is totally bonded to DS, DH recognises my work in keeping our family together, happy and bonded. But doing what you propose means you need to accept someone else will be the primary carer. Your DC will be neither up nor down, but you'll be the one giving something up. Of course, you'll get something back in return...

pitterpatterrain · 08/06/2022 00:36

Pre-Covid I was travelling 1-2-3 nights a week, and my DC now 8 and 5 don’t seem to remember it at all

They have a great bond with DH who was very hands on

Maybe have a game plan so that by the time they are a bit older you don’t need to travel so much - it does get exhausting and they become more aware of you being away

Also think through what else you’ll need in place to facilitate it and support your DP/DH

Sunnytwobridges · 08/06/2022 00:40

I definitely think you can. I grew up in a military family and me and all of my friends were still very bonded and connected to our parents. And many of our parents were gone for months at a time.

GarageGalore · 08/06/2022 00:41

Yes I chose my children and I'm glad I did because later on they really needed me to be there for them during a very long divorce when they were too young to fully understand and have a say, but not too young to not be affected.

I always worked full time, but my full-time still allowed me to do most of the pickups from nursery/school and not use any after/before school childcare and was in a role that I have pursued no progression in because of being needed more elsewhere.

The dc are getting into double digits age-wise now and are doing well, so I can see a window of opportunity coming for me to refocus on my career and maybe spread my wings a bit (if the HRT clears the fog).

Changechangychange · 08/06/2022 00:47

DF used to leave the house at 6am (before we woke up) and get back at 10pm (after we were asleep). Spent weekends “resting” and we weren’t allowed to disturb him. Never attended any school plays, Carol concerts, etc

He died suddenly when I was 10, and I’m sorry to say my life did not change in any noticeable way. Maybe if he had lived into my teens we might have bonded, but there was basically no relationship there, because he was never there.

I work long hours, but I make damn sure I do my share of pick ups and drop offs and keep weekends free (usually work late from home after DS is in bed).

I think you could get away with going away for 1-2 night a week, but months at a time, or 4-5 weeknights every week? I think that is too much for either parent honestly.

Flatandhappy · 08/06/2022 00:58

I think if one parent is away/travels a lot the other really needs to be there for the kids but either way you can’t get away from the fact that the travelling parent will have a different relationship with the kids. Our 8yo saying to DH “see you next weekend dad” was one of the catalysts of our move to Aus where DH deliberately chose a job with only local travel required. He had travelled a lot for years though.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 08/06/2022 01:11

I don't think you can. I had a career with lots of travel and shifted to a more local role when I knew I wanted to have DCs.

DH worked away (with similar patterns to the ones you're suggesting) for two years. We did FaceTimes, etc but tbh it was a sop to make him feel better. The DC didn't view it as real engagement.

He became completely extraneous to family life. And every time he came back it disrupted our routines. Friends (male and female) with DPs who work away say the same. The only families where it hasn't caused issues is if they're already divorced because the DCs are accustomed to splitting their time and the families where their DCs are mid to late teens.

GetThatHelmetOn · 08/06/2022 01:22

It is not possible if you are the primary carer but, if your husband can take on that role, it is ok.

Plenty of men work away a few days during the week and nobody is telling them they are not going to be able to bond with their kids. My exH used to be away quite a bit due to work and it didn’t affect DS, admittedly he didn’t know any different, but DS had a good routine, a good nursery and a mother to provide stability while his dad was away, and had a lot of “men’s days out” with his dad when he was around. So he was fine.

Now, exH and I are now divorced in much because I realised I was doing mostly everything alone and so much distance made us grew apart so at some point I just realised he was a bit redundant but that is could have been avoided by recognising how much the other parent was doing and taking over as soon as you are back. 🙂

GetThatHelmetOn · 08/06/2022 01:25

Ps. I agree with the poster above about the disruption to the routines, but if you are out on the same amount of weekdays each week and respect the structure your OH has at home, things should be ok as long as you both throw yourselves into it.

Magda72 · 08/06/2022 07:55

I think it depends on the context and on what other supports you have.
It's not the 1950's and nowhere is it the law that mum has to be primary carer! If your oh is hands on & if you really want this then go for it. Yes, a child benefits from having routine but they also benefit from not being overly reliant on one carer.
I passed up various career things when my dc were small & truth be told my lack of established career is my one true regret in life. My dc are moving on (which I love for them) but I am now left working in a sector I don't love while struggling to back into the sector where my true passions lie. I'm also divorced and so am fully dependent on my salary which is pretty static atm.
For the record I don't 'blame' my ex or dc for my lack of career - I 'blame' myself for not being brave enough for going for things & for believing that my dc would not cope without me!

Rosehugger · 08/06/2022 07:57

Loads of dads do this without much consideration. If your other half is happy to step up, then I don't see a problem.