Any advice on whether one can be away a lot and yet fully present in child’s life?

[Intromum]

I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to change my role at work and take my career to a different level. That would mean, however, staying away from home a lot and generally working more. I feel like I am choosing between being there for my child (who is still a toddler) and having a better career. Have you had to make that choice? Have you ever had to regret the choice you made? Is it possible to be away a lot but present enough for your child? How would you achieve that?

My husband works away a lot and often has to travel at short notice. We have adapted my work pattern to make it easier and he FaceTimes when he can (sometimes not possible).

The thing that makes it work for us is that when he is here he takes over a lot of the parenting. He'll do bedtime, school runs and take days off if they're unwell.

My children are 5 and 7 and haven't ever known anything different and both are close to their dad. I see how some get into the routine of the non travelling parent doing it all- all of the time but we made the effort not to fall into this so the children are still close to him (and I actually get a break).

@backinthebox your initial post to me didn't read like that their dad was very available either, and as I say it wasn't a criticism of your arrangement as you feel that that is in your children's best interests, but wouldn't work for me because of how I want to support my children.

I worked away a lot when our kids were young, my husband too. The ‘kids’ are now adults and credit the experience with making them independent and resourceful. (They weren’t left to fend for themselves btw! ) we have a great relationship, spend holidays together and talk a lot.
A fulfilling career was important to me, and has helped the whole family financially. I’m now in my sixties, still in the game and earning the highest of my life. This is also appreciated by our kids, who I can support when needed. My daughter now has a professional career which she also would like to one day combine with a family.
For me the key is to have a supportive partner. This doesn’t mean that s/he needs to stay at home (mine didn’t), but that you both support each other’s career goals, and the implications of that for family life and your relationship. Mutual respect and support is essential.

It sounds like you are making the right decision for your family, which is great. But your original post suggested that unless your'e there for bed time, your children will not come to you when they have problems. Which is a concept I fundamentally disagree with. We don't know that OP's Dh can't/won't step up and most of the posts have made the point that assuming he does, and she is able to be there for her kids when she's not working, then they will be fine.

@GarageGalore i said he travelled too, I didn’t say he was unavailable. Between the pair of us I think we have only had 5 nights 15 years in total when we had to get my mum in to stay with the kids because we were both away at the same time. DH works in an industry leading the working from home movement.

No you can’t.

You have to choose. You won’t be a piece for furniture (reliable, comfortable, safe) to the child unless you’re there all (most of) the time.

Sorry to be the breaker of this but women absolutely cannot “have it all”. You can be the constant carer that a small child needs, or you give that away and become a glamorous visitor. I’ve done both and so I can say with authority, as my 3 year old replied when i worked full time and told her I was always there for her, “Except when you’re not. You’re not always there for me mummy. You’re not there.”

This - 100%

This is my view too.

I am the child of a busy parent. It changes things hugely.

I had a lot of cabin crew colleagues that were away from family for a few days at a time every week without problems. But that was a job where you had a few days off at home in between trips to completely devote to your family, and you never took work home with you. The children had great relationships with their dads too.

I think bring away 2-3 nights a week is not a big deal IF you are present for so called “quality time” the other 4-5 evenings and at weekends.
For me the key questions would be
how many nights a week can I eat with the family?
How many bedtimes can I do?
Will I be over tired and stressed when I am at home?

@Triffid1 one of my dc is very reserved in their emotions and with them it really is that they hold everything in until bedtime!

Again, sounds like you're doing what works for your family and I'm glad that you and your DC are happy. But it's not the only way and lots of other families will have different ways and their children will be just as happy and stable and build just as close relationships with their care givers.

Yes, what you're proposing sounds doable. Children benefit from consistently but we're not living in the 1950s thank god and there's no rule to say mothers have to be tied to the home for a specific number of years. If your child has a good routine, is loved and their needs are met, they will be fine.

I'm the child of a mother who was always physically present- gave up work for years and only returned to a very part time role when my sister and I were in secondary school. It didn't mean I have a better or closer bond with my mother. I know she loves me, but speaking frankly I think it would have done her the world of good to take her own career more seriously. She would say she gave up work for my sister and I, but I think it was probably as much about what she wanted.

You will always be the mum (or dad) nobody replaces the parents although of course many parents will use nursery, cm or nanny to supplement the care you provide. Provide the security and love and your child will thrive

@Triffid1 I agree, and I have never said everyone should chose what I have done, the question was 'have you chosen promotion or childcare' and I am one of the few on this that has chosen childcare and my reasons for that and where the line in the sand is for me.

Every child of a member of the armed forces, oil rig workers and long distance lorry drivers (amongst many others I’m sure) are in this position. It will be fine especially as you have an involved and competent partner.

Just my personal experience: I went from being a SAHM to my toddler, into a job where I had to fly overseas once a week for an overnight/a couple of days. DD was two and a half. It was fine; I missed her but I didn't feel she was insecure or upset or missing out. I wouldn't have wanted to be away more than that, but I would have tried it to see how it worked if it'd been very good for my career. And it wasn't permanent, which I knew at the outset.

I think the important thing is to have a fall-back strategy if it doesn't work, and to have a really thorough discussion with your DP/any other adults who will be doing childcare to make sure you're all on the same page.

If this is a long term thing then you’re right to question it and acknowledge that there is a shift in roles and responsibility that your partner really needs to have input into and whether they are comfortable with it. I think you can be present but your partner will become the lead as they are the constant which means that you need to support them and back them up in their own decision making. This may make you feel pushed aside and I would prepare yourself for those feelings. The fact is there is only so many hours in the day and so many resources you have and you need to balance that between work and family in a way that suits everyone. It’s really hard.

I'm raising my children in a work away situation.

My eldest was 2 when dh started working away for long periods of time It's all our youngest has ever known.

Dh gets more time with the kids on his home time so it works out. The kids do really miss him when he's away.

It did initially put a massive strain on our relationship to be honest because everything is down to me. There was definitely a shift in the relationship. We don't have much family support so it's just me really to sort out the kids and everything at home with pets/school/nursery. My husband still feels left out of the majority of the decision making when it comes to the kids and is not an emergency contact at school/nursery/clubs/GP for the children because he's away.

It is do able though and from the sounds of it you'll be away alot less than what my husband is.

Plenty of people do this, done well it doesn't need to cause any issues. It means their other parent to to step up more, just like women have always done

Wouldn't work for me at all.

There's a mom in my circle who works out if the country a few times a month. She is very senior in pta, bakes, and I still see see at drop off.
A dad closely know used to travel. Once headed back from airport to do nursery collection. I still felt like I saw him loads
You can make it work.

Also depends will this travel lead to more travel?

My children’s dad (my ex) has worked away for years on and off, 3yrs at a time (once it was 2). He does have a close relationship with them still, they are 18 & 14 now, but he’s missed out on a lot and there’s no way I’d have chosen my career over being present in their life’s at that age. In fact I wouldn’t do it until my kids were off to Uni / settled in life. I do think he will regret it one day too. It does depend how often you’d be away, a day or so a week I think is do-able, more than that perhaps not

Plenty of men turn down career opportunities because it would involve being away from home too often.

both DH and I have turned down jobs that involve more than very occasional travel because we both want to be present and we had other options.

i have a close family member who gave up his dream career and became a sahd instead because his job required working evenings and he wanted to see his kids.

but op, you need to make the choice that is right for you and your family. Plenty of parents do travel and your child will be fine with get dad as primary caregiver. Your relationship might be different, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good.

My H works away mon to Fri it's his own business so I know we will reap the rewards in a few years time but I do worry about the impact on our children ( and our marriage)

Will your job be reasonable enough that you can be mentally present when you are home? Ready to listen and play and not rushing off to finish an email or distracted by a stressful task? That's more what I concentrate on myself.