Any advice on whether one can be away a lot and yet fully present in child’s life?

[Intromum]

I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to change my role at work and take my career to a different level. That would mean, however, staying away from home a lot and generally working more. I feel like I am choosing between being there for my child (who is still a toddler) and having a better career. Have you had to make that choice? Have you ever had to regret the choice you made? Is it possible to be away a lot but present enough for your child? How would you achieve that?

She just wan't there. I began resenting her absence and so did my dad who had me and my siblings to care for. They stayed together, but I don't think their marriage really recovered.

Can you be both absent for extended periods and fully present? No. But - if you have a partner who is happy and able to take on the primary carer role, then that’s fine; as a pp said, fathers have done this sort of think since time immemorial. But you will have to accept that you won’t be the primary carer for your child and that, in your household, the traditional “mum” and “dad” roles are reversed to some extent. Nothing wrong with that, though. It just depends what you want for your own life and family.

I've travelled for work since ds was 6 months old, and he's now 16, and you can be totally present in a childs life - it's all about how you behave when you are at home, and pulling your weight when you are away as well. So when I'm home I wfh, I've been there to pick up from wrap around care, and later when he comes home. Same for DH who does UK based travel and had a few years of doing 2--3 days a week away, and I think this is what works for us is that we are both responsible for home things and so neither of us just skips off into the sunset.

2-3 nights a week, so there for the other 3-2 nights and weekends, with another parent who is there FT? Should be fine. You will be around over half the time.

It depends massively on who is left behind raising them, and how willing and competent that person is. If it's a stay at home dad or grandparent who adores the children, of course you can. If it's a series of badly prepped underpaid aupairs or ad hoc help and an incompetent working father, then I think the children will have issues.

But if home life is stable, you can easily be present and show love with notes, phone calls, Zooms which show you remember what is important to them, little presents and lots of attention at weekends.

I wonder how many men ask themselves this question when they take up a great career opportunity?

My children are both grown up now and have left home but live nearby and we see each other very often. I am happy that we have a lovely relationship.
I spent a number of years when they were young working long hours and away from home one or two days a week. Their dad also worked hard but wasn't away from home overnight very often.

It was hard because I was tired, but having small children is tiring anyway. However, I loved my job and liked my colleagues and didn't want to give that up.
It was worth it. By the time my children were teens I had a level of seniority that gave me more freedom to spend more time with them when they needed me more. I also had a lot more money to help them.
And I had a satisfying work life. Win win.
You are allowed to have both.

It might be ok when your child is older but I think it would be very difficult for a toddler to understand and process why you are not there. And l think you'd have to be prepared for how you would feel once your DH is seen by your child as their primary carer.

Based on what you're suggesting, I think it's doable. My one suggestion, if you can make it work, is to try to make the days you're not there the same every week as much as possible. So, for example, the DC know that on monday, tuesday, wednesday Daddy does school run, takes them to activities etc but Mummy always fetches them on Thursday to take them swimming. Or whatever. Because I think that level of certainty is more important than HOW MUCH time they spend with you.

Also, for anyone who works away, man or woman, I think it's really important to be present when you return. So you can't come back and then insist on long lie ins the first day because you're tired - the DC will want to see you and spend time with you.

And technology can be your friend here. Not just FaceTime or whatever, but, for example, the few times I've been separated from the DC for a few days, DD loves it if I spend a bit of time in the evening playing on Roblux with her. She also has the Stars app which allows her to message me and vice versa. DS is a bit trickier but he'll send me WhatsApp messages to help him with his homework or a video of him doing something in the garden and I try to be as present for that, remotely, as I would be if I was there.

@Triffid1 absolutely agree with what you have said, although your children are older than OP, and because of that OP does need to be comfortable with not being the main carer and understanding all that that entails (including if you divorce).

I know people have said 'dads do this all the time' and they are right, but unless they have a supportive other parent, that is a low bar to set. I think a lot depends on the other parent and how interested they are in becoming the main carer, if they say they are willing to but you know it is really lip service or they don't have the emotional intelligence to do it, I wouldn't do it.

@GarageGalore true re the ages- I had missed that!

I did spend quite a lot of time away when DS was a toddler, and it was hard. But while messaging/roblux wasn't an option at that age, consistency and routine helped. He loved it when I came back and took him to a sports group or whatever. And I always made a point of being fully present as soon as I returned. DH works erratic hours these days and he's brilliant at this - "okay, yes, I've been gone for the whole of Saturday but now I'm back and we're totally going to hang out, play some football then watch a movie" vs "I'm exhausted from a long day and just want to chill on the couch for a bit."

My dad worked away Mon-Thurs/Fri for the majority of my childhood, never attended a single school event or parents' evening. We have a great relationship and always have had, I remember missing him a bit in the week but we always did lots of family stuff at the weekends and I never felt that it affected my life in a negative way. This was before smartphones/video calls etc too so I think we spoke on the phone a bit but not every day.

I should point out that my mum was a SAHM - I think I might have felt differently if she had also worked and we'd had to go to after school clubs etc.

As others have pointed out, men have done this from the dawn of time.

We have done both. When the kids were young I was out of the house 7am to 7pm, sometimes nights / several nights away, sometimes I got back for bedtime, sometimes I didn't. Their dad was there though constantly and he kept the routine going. I did a lot of the life admin as I had the type of job whereby I could have 5 mins here and there to sort stuff out.

Now the kids are older, and post Covid, I am wfh 4/5 days a week and am very flexible due to seniority. He is now the one (a career change later) who is away 2 nights a week. The kids are older, and understand, and get that he is away for work.

If you want to do the job and have the support network to back you up, go for it. If the only thing stopping you is the perception that 'mothers don't do that' , then that's not a reason. You do need to be fully on though when you are around with the kids, so that they appreciate you when you are there and you aren't just on your phone / in front of the telly zoned out.

I’m a long haul airline pilot and have been away for 3-5 day trips for all of their lives. I’m often told (by other women 🙄) that I can’t possibly be a good mother and work away. I don’t understand why it’s ok for men to be working away a lot but not women. Kids need both their parents. When I am at home my kids have 100% of my attention. I would not say either one of them has suffered at all. However, you do need to be aware that it is a constant juggling act, and you need good support. For me, that was a nanny, a cleaner and a gardener. The very same women who thought I was a slack mother for going away also thought I was snooty for having staff. What was I supposed to do, put the kids in a cupboard with some pot noodles till I got back home? DH also has a very high profile job, managing teams for a foreign company in 2 different U.K. locations so he travels too. I run the household diary like a military operation to make sure our work does not clash and no one misses out on important things.

Depends what you want in life....

You can't work all hours and be a fully present parent no. You can't parent all hours and have a high flying career.

A couple of nights a week will be fine. I used to do it and no issues here.
I’ve now reached a level where I work the hours I wish and am here all the time. I never miss a sports day or parents evening ever.
So in the long run it will be worth it.

What is 'enough' for you may be different from 'enough' for someone else. For example some people feel strongly about being a SAHM and others not. I went back to work 4 days a week when my DC1 was 9 months old. I wanted to go back to work, although I'd wanted to work say 2 or 3 days. I couldn't though, because we couldn't afford for me to work less than 4 days. It isn't a regret, as I didn't have a choice.

I have since been offered what could well be a 'once in a lifetime' training opportunity for a career Ive been applying for for years and could eventually be a high paid job. I currently earn just over minwage for context. However this training was only offered to me in another city and it would have meant not seeking my kids 5 days a week due to the long commute and this would have been for at least 2 years but more likely 4-5. With a heavy heart I have turned it down as it wasn't 'enough' for me.

I think you can - our set up is that dh works away for 2-3 weeks per month but it does help that during his home weeks he works from home so that he is here for the morning and evening parts, which are short for dd2 especially as she goes to bed so soon after getting home from nursery.

I have some 'rules' that I think helped especially when they're too young to really understand.

• dd is always collected by me if dh is away. While she might be a bit a unsure about where daddy is, she knows exactly who will collect her from nursery which I think helped her feel more settled there.
• similarly for dd7, she stays at school for breakfast and afterschool clubs so she is always in one place rather than complicated arrangements with childminders etc. I think this added to her feeling settled.

-dh has a couple of very specific things that he will do with the kids at the weekend (pancakes on a Saturday morning) and will also do stories when he is here. He then tries to use technology to replicate this where he can if he isn't at home

@backinthebox please don't think I am having a dig at you, I'm not this is just my opinion, but for me, aside from the logistics, which you obviously have down, the line in the sand would be, who does your child go to about the 'deep' stuff, worries, friendship issues that usually come out when you are tucking them into bed at night (or maybe yours are too old for that now 🙂) etc and for me I always wanted to be that first port of call for them and to be able to recognise how they are by their actions and demeanor sometimes before they even speak.

I've always been very close to my dad because he did a lot with me when I was younger and once when I was away somewhere I phoned home, not unusually, but something unsettling had happened, I wasn't crying or anything obvious...I literally just said 'hi dad' and he knew there was something important wrong and instantly came to pick me up, and that kind of understanding is what I want for my children.

I don't see an issue with what you are suggesting, I have worked in 2 roles where regular travel was required. One where I would be away 2 nights a week, would leave home Monday morning and return Wednesday evening and one where I would be away Monday to Friday one week and then at home the following week. I don't have any regrets.

You do need to be very organised though to ensure when you are at home you are fully present. For example, when our dd's were young we would do most of the housework, food shopping and other chores when dd's were in bed so that weekends were kept as family time. If you will also be working in the evening when you are at home, I would also try and do this when they are in bed, on the days I was not travelling I would always log off on time, or early if I could and then catch up on work when they were in bed, this worked for me because some of my colleagues were in the US and I would happily join meetings with them as long as they were scheduled for late in the evening.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat

No, you cannot.

I was that child.”

out of necessity, my husband was away 5 days each week for long stretches of time (years, sometimes. Now adults, our children have (and always had) a really close bond with their dad.

everyone handles these situations differently. It can be done well.

sorry about your negative experience.

@GarageGalore my children can get hold of me any time of day or night whenever they need me except when I am actually flying. In reality though they go to their dad as first port of call when I am not there. When I am at home they approach either one of us with what you call ‘deep’ stuff. They have 2 parents they can go to with these issues - surely being able to go to either their mum or dad is an improvement on only being able to go to their mum? Among people who don’t work away, there seems to be some sort of belief that children of people who work away are permanently emotionally stunted by the situation. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am away for about 7-8 days a month normally (a lot of our flights land very early in the morning and often, after having worked all night, I am back before they go to school.) That means I am there for them for about 23 days a month. I think your words say more about what you want from parenting than from what your children need.

Personally, I think the child goes to a person who is reliable and consistent not necessarily who is there all the time.

One of my most enduring positive memories of childhood is that when my dad was home, he was 100% at home. He travelled a bit and worked traditional hours so was out of the home from 7:30-1800 every day at least but, his car would pull into the driveway and we'd run and greet him because it would be hugs and kisses and chat. If he was doing chores, he was always happy for us to come along and chat with him while he was doing them (or "help" him). On weekends, he was the one who taught us to ride our bikes, went for long walks etc etc.

My mum was physically present more, but was far less consistent. In fact, it's something I worry about with myself - I believe I AM consistently there for my children, but it didn't always come naturally to me. Dh is more like my dad - he can work in after a long, physically demanding shift, and immediately go into "dad" mode when he gets through the door. The other day, he came in and five minutes later I wandered into the lounge to find him on the floor doing yoga poses with DD!

I'm just listening the the audiobook of this
www.amazon.co.uk/Know-How-She-Does-Successful/dp/159184732X

It's a book about how women manage careers and children - the interesting thing is it's based on actual timelogs from (an admittedly self selecting sample) of women who have big careers and families and are basically happy with how they are making things work. It's not saying this is how everyone should approach it at all, but it might give useful tips or things to think about,

@Triffid1 sounds like you have a great balance. For me I knew the dc's dad didn't have that so it would need to be me.