Anyone wfh with nanny? What do I need to know?

[Jellybean81]

I'm due to start back to work from mat leave soon - baby will be nearly 9 months. This is earlier than planned and much earlier than the 14 months I was off with my first so I'm feeling lots of guilt and conflict.

I will be working from home most of the time and my partner is now a permanent home worker. To start off we have hired a nanny (she's got limited experience so more a mother's help but I liked how she and baby interacted).

The current plan is for baby to be downstairs with the nanny in one half of the through lounge, dad will be working in the other half and I'll be upstairs working as baby will fuss if she can see me.

Baby is breastfeeding and probably still gets most of her calories from this as she's not too fussed about food, so I'm planning to pop downstairs regularly to feed her. Id also like to block out time to take her to baby groups as I don't know how I feel about the nanny doing this. I think I have FOMO about the idea of baby going out and having fun with someone other than me.

I should have fairly good control of my diary and should be able to make up any time lost.

What do you think of this set up? Is it fair to the nanny?

For those of you who wfh and have in home childcare for a baby how do you manage it?

Depends on your work I think- I initially thought I’d be able to continue bf but it became impossible due to meetings being scheduled when she needed to feed etc. and the sheer amount of time it took out of the working day. I’m not sure what a through lounge is but will your partner be in essentially the same room? That sounds tricky.

When you say you’ll be able to make up time lost, do you mean you’ll have to work evenings/ weekends?

I think having to keep a baby quiet and entertained in one part of the lounge so that your DH can work in the other part will be really really challenging.

I don’t think it will be easy with your DH working I the lounge with your baby and nanny in the other half. Not fair on the baby to see daddy, or the nanny to have to keep baby quiet and away from daddy which won’t be easy as they get older. If your baby is being looked after in your home with both of you wfh then your DH needs a proper work space in a separate room.

I've done it for just over a year now, started when DS was 11 months. It has its advantages and disadvantages but overall seems to work well. In my opinion the key is to have strong boundaries and to respect that your house is the Nanny's place of work. For the first few weeks while we were all settling in I was somewhat flexible about going to soothe/feed DS if he got really cranky, but ever since I've been pretty strict about staying in my office upstairs and only coming down for lunch, ideally when DS is napping, so that he gets the idea that I'm 'at work' and our nanny doesn't feel like I'm breathing down her neck. When DH and I both WFH (increasingly rare) we share the office rather than encroach on downstairs.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think this set up will work well. Having the baby’s father working within sight is going to be distracting for him and possibly upsetting for the baby as she’ll be able to see/hear him but he won’t be available to her. Nanny will probably feel like she’s “on view” as well.

I think it’s going to be unfair to both the baby and nanny if you’re popping down regularly during the day. Again, this is most likely to be upsetting for the baby to see you briefly only to have you disappear back to work again, and I think it will be disruptive and annoying for the nanny.

As for your comment about not wanting the nanny to take your baby to baby groups…if you feel that way then maybe a nanny isn’t the right set up for you. Would you prefer a setting like a nursery where there isn’t just one person having that caregiving relationship with your baby? For a lot of people that’s actually a big plus of having a nanny , they want their child to build a strong one to one relationship with the care giver. But if you’re going to get upset about nanny doing one on one activities like baby groups and having a nice time with the baby….well I think you either need to think about a different setting or consider that this isn’t primarily about you/your feelings. Your priority should be the baby’s wellbeing and happiness.

I think that you need to totally rethink this because at the moment it sounds like the nanny is going to be micromanaged to death and as though you are going to resent them for the time they are spending with your child.

My DH worked from home & we had a nanny. He had & office at the end of the garden & stayed completely out of the house. Otherwise the kids knew he was there & cried for him / distracted him etc.

It is not fair to your DH or to the nanny to have them working in the same room. The nanny will always feel like she is disturbing him etc. Can your DH work in a bedroom or anywhere else with a door that closes?

Also, you need to give the nanny the freedom to take the baby out to some groups or to the park or the library. it is hard to entertain a baby at home all the time, and she needs to be able to get out.

Does your baby have a schedule? with breastfeeding only at some times of day? if so, you & nanny could set up a timetable that give her time to get out and you will also know which hours to block off for the baby. Otherwise, you'll all be on top of each other all the time.

I think it’ll be really tricky for your DP to be working in the same room as his DD. Babies/toddlers are noisy, squeal/generally make noises/surely she’ll want to continually go up to him? How on earth will she know to ignore him? And then when it’s 5pm he’ll suddenly be paying her attention having ignored her for hours - that sounds very confusing for a baby/toddler.

I’m also not sure how it’ll work with you popping down to BF - my DCs would then have cried if I’d have left; same with appearing in order to take your DD to baby group and then leaning her again as soon as you get home.

Also worth thinking about how this will work when she’s 12 months/15 months etc. I think separation anxiety could really kick in and she’ll get distressed if she keeps seeing you appear and then leave her again potentially multiple times a day. It’s hard enough for some parents when their child starts nursery and they have to leave them just once, at drop off!

I think I’d either go part time, so you can still do some baby groups and spend more time with DD, or have DH go part time for the same reasons, or work from home a full day so you aren’t repeatedly saying goodbye to your baby/then toddler over the course of one day.

My DS was around 18 months when I started WFH during lockdown although he had been with the nanny for a while before that

I think the most important thing is to not get under the nanny’s feed too much
It’s unsettling for both of them if you are going to appear in the background

The nanny needs to be able to establish a ‘sole charge’ bond with the baby especially as she needs to do more mealtimes etc

And I can’t see it working for your DH to work on the same room as the baby
If you don’t have an spare room for him to use, you would still be better off both working in the same room and letting the nanny and baby have the run of downstairs

I've probably misunderstood, but I don't think that will work at all unless your downstairs room can be closed off into two parts and/or you're happy for the nanny to take her out for long stretches between feeds. I can't imagine a baby of 9 months+ is going to be quiet enough for an adult to be working, and content to stay in their half of the room, especially while one of their parents is in the other half. She'll be walking (and talking!) quite soon into this arrangement. Is there no other room your partner can work in upstairs?

Your DH working effectively in the same room as your baby is a very quick route to him no longer working at all! You really need to rethink that. I also echo all the other comments. Nursery might suit you better.

I’m sorry but you are deluded if you think this is a good set up. You and your DH both need space away from the baby and nanny to work. I can’t imagine your DH will find work all that easy with a baby in the room and it’s really not fair on the nanny having her every move scrutinised. How would you like your boss looking over your shoulder literally every minute of your working day? You need to give her space to bond with the baby.

I do speak with some experience having returned to work about a year ago, mainly wfh. My now two year old is still exceptionally clingy and it makes like difficult for all of us at times.

I'm coming at this from the perspective of being a nanny.

You've had some good advice here from @SpikeDearheart and others.

Basically, this will not work.

It sounds an absolute nightmare for the nanny. Massively unfair on the baby. Unworkable for your husband. And quite problematic for your employer with you taking regular BF and playgroup breaks!

If the nanny is completely inexperienced and desperate she may stick out for a while, if not she'll be off very shortly.

I think you maybe need to work through the issues you have with going back to work and find a childcare set-up that will offer the appropriate separation between work and childcare for you, the baby and the person doing the childcare.

I did keep breastfeeding though, mainly because the baby was always a bottle refuser but they were only on 3 feeds a day by then so only one during the working day.

I'm sorry but I really don't think this will work, particularly once separation anxiety sets in.
We have to stay totally out of sight of our DC and the nanny or if causes a lot of upset. I do go downstairs before nap time to feed and put to bed, but that's it. Popping downstairs constantly wouldn't be fair on the nanny or the child as it would keep upsetting the child and leaving the nanny to deal with the aftermath.

Is your DH going to be able to concentrate with a soon to be toddler rampaging about?

I also think your nanny will be unlikely to last long in that setup. All the experienced nannies we interviewed were keen to ensure we wouldn't be constantly popping in and out, that they wouldn't be having to keep DC quiet all the time so as not to disturb us, and to check that they could take them out and about during the day. Being inexperienced your nanny probably doesn't realise how tricky your setup will be, but she'll soon realise.

Perhaps you could still feed to sleep for naps like I do, and maybe express in-between? I've had a nanny for a year now and am still bf-ing.

As a nanny, I would run a mile from this set up. I've worked with parents who wfh and it can work well if the parents have a workspace, preferably upstairs, where they can shut the door and just leave the nanny to get on with her job, much the same as you would if you were in the office.

No it’s not fair on the nanny at all.

You cannot expect the nanny not to go out and have contact outside the home with baby groups/other nannies

Block a day or afternoon for you to xarexfor baby maybe ? but you can't dip in and out if you want to keep the nanny
You want the nanny and baby to have fun surely?
Nanny cannot work in same room as someone wfh
Get a pod for dh if needs to be in same room
Or book a co working space locally

Where does your husband work from in the house now?

If you've already tested him working from the through lounge while you're with the baby, it might be fine.

If he currently works upstairs, he needs to try working from the through lounge now. I think it sounds impossible, but you won't know until you try it.

. I think I have FOMO about the idea of baby going out and having fun with someone other than me.

Your baby /child will go on to have fun without you at times
As it should be
You want her to have fun with her dad / relatives/ nanny/ school etc yes??
It won't mean she loves you less

What is happening with your older child? How did you manage childcare with them?

Your planned scenario is a nightmare and it's not fair for any of you, but especially for your child and your nanny.

You and your DH need to be out of the way of her and your child/children - that's their workspace. And having you around the place is not going to make her life easy at all.

We wfh and have a nanny. DTs are 22 months. Sorry to say I don’t think your plan is realistic. We spend the day hiding upstairs and go down for lunch when they come up to nap. No way could we work in the same room or pop in. DTs were 11 months and breastfed when I went back to work, your body (and they) adjust. I also would love to take them to baby groups but that would be so confusing for them. We had to stick to strict boundaries and not blur the lines.

I was a nanny with mum at home, but she worked upstairs and was firm with her boundaries about not coming down to disturb us all the time.
She loved that her baby loved me (and vice versa) and it was a healthy working relationship for everyone.

I would not have accepted the job/stayed had a parent been in the same room as me working, if mum was popping down all the time and if I felt mum was resentful of my relationship with her baby.
That’s nuts!!

Pretty unanimous response.

To answer some of the questions:
My partner set himself up in the front room during my pregnancy as it was high risk and he wanted to be close. He's able to work with the baby in the room with noise cancelling headphones and his employer is really flexible. But tbh it's one of the things that has made my maternity leave tough, I haven't felt able to relax, watch tv etc (sex scenes playing in the background of his Teams calls). I've asked him to move to another room but the set up really works for him and he enjoys being close by - I doubt he will move for the nanny.

Part time working is a good idea, I have a lot of accrued leave so perhaps I can take a couple half days each week.

There is something for me to think about regarding baby bonding with the nanny. I agree that they will need to get into a routine and a rhythm and I need to trust her to take baby out. The problem I have is that she seems so small to me right now. She's not even 8 months yet and it's tough having to think about this

We ruled out nursery fairly quickly as I want to continue to breastfeed and she won't take a bottle I also want the one to one care for her as well.

sex scenes playing in the background of his Teams calls

WTAF?!

And what about this This is earlier than planned and much earlier than the 14 months I was off with my first what are your arrangements with your first DC?

you might want to consider a nursery from 12 months? baby won't be breastfeeding in the day by then, but will be walking/crawling and wanting a lot more attention from you & her dad.

I know baby seems tiny now, but she will rapidly get bigger and more independent. If you sign up to a nursery now, the nanny could probably manage the at-home arrangements for a few months. And by then, baby will be bigger and would enjoy being with other babies at a nursery.