MNHQ here: We want to know all about your return to work experience.

[PeggyMumsnet]

Hi Mumsnetters,

Our Planning team is currently doing some research for a potential partnership and we wanted to know about your returning to work experiences.

Getting back to work after maternity leave can be an emotional rollercoaster, whether it’s your first, second or tenth baby.

For some of us, returning to work is an exciting opportunity to drink a hot cup of tea, have grown-up conversations and feel vaguely like our old selves again. For others it can be a much harder transition. Many of us feel the pressure of new deadlines, financial burdens, the ‘mum guilt’ of leaving the kids at nursery, and the overwhelming sense that you can’t do everything at once. It’s important to remember, you’re not alone.

But even though being a working parent is challenging at times, it can also be filled with comedy gold moments that make the hard times easier - you might even look back, years later, after several nights of unbroken sleep and laugh about it. Yes, even that time you stayed up until midnight to make a costume for Dress Like a Pharaoh Day because you only found out about it on the train home. (Schools send a LOT of emails, in your defence.)

We want to hear your stories about the funny side of juggling kids, a career and a social life - cos if you don’t laugh you’ll cry right?

From the unfortunate baby items you pull out of your bag in meetings, to sneaking in some shut-eye during your lunch hour or your kids merrily dancing their way into your zoom background - we want to know your experiences.

Thanks!
MNHQ

Returned to work and wasn't paid for the first month, because my boss had 'neglected' to inform HR that I was back. Neglected for 25 days before the payroll was run. The experience of having two nursery bills to pay for and no income for that month will never leave me. I'll never forget it.

@MrsCremuel

Well I had a breakdown, oh what larks.

I can see you’re going for a Motherland vibe but this is mumsnet where people come for support and the share their darkest and deepest. By exclusively focussing on the ‘funny’ side of this massive and often stressful life event you’re trivialising many women’s experiences and missing an opportunity to have a proper discussion and maybe make some positive change. Really disappointing.

This.

Asking for funny stories about a traumatic time is in very bad taste.

I returned to work when my youngest was 1. Not only did I have to retrain before starting, I had to attend numerous in house courses to keep up with IT, none of which were flexible around my part time hours. I was constantly rushing, never took a lunch break, juggling the domestic load and school stuff with the ever present worry of being late for school pick up/childminder. DH did the morning drop offs but consequently had to work late and I did all the pick ups as my hours were 9 -3. I just remember being constantly anxious and stressed. Looking back, it was really bad for the children too. It was 3 years in before I actually kept any of my salary and my pension is tiny. There is really nothing amusing about any of it. We laugh at all the near misses and narrow escapes because if we didn't we would just cry. Oh, and I was doing a band 6 job on a band 5 salary because of course part time women do not deserve to be paid appropriately.

My experience was horrendous. As an emergency services worker I worked shifts. My supervisor had said he would fight tooth and nail to stop me reducing my hours. My next supervisor told me that he and his wife had struggled with childcare so why should he make it easy for us.

My husband (who also worked shifts) and I had to swap our baby over in a car park at 11pm and midnight.

Oh that sounds horrendous!

No wonder we have a mental health crisis.

On the funny side I still carried a spare nappy around in my handbag. On the not so funny side, it was a big job that turned out to involve lying to clients - as in, my employer knew the job was to lie, but they claimed their product was ready when I asked at interview. As I hated being apart from my daughter, it made it really easy to leave!

@WhatNoReally

So you don't want to know about people's return to work experiences, many of which are shit, just the 'funny side'?

I don't remember anything funny about expressing in the public toilets at Kings Cross after a day long work meeting or my daughter screaming when I Ieft her.

Maybe change your title.

100%.

I returned to work when DS was 6 months old. My boss had moved the entire team to our London office and hadn't thought about me.

HR said 'you're supposed to tell us of your intent to return'

I said 'What more did you need besides the three emails and the recorded delivery letter I sent you?'

The company ended up making up a job for me in another department.

It was just the worst time - trying to juggle work, baby and all the home stuff, dashing from work to nursery shitting myself I'd be late all the time, being constantly knackered cos baby was still waking up 3x a night, baby picking up every bug going at nursery so having to take days off for that which my employer took a v dim view of, finding out my (male) peers had got a big pay rise in my absence....

Nothing fun or comedic about my return to work after mat leave I'm afraid!

Returned to work after DD2 to a brand new year group which they new I would hate and a whole year of planning that needed redoing. It was absolutely hilarious feeling like I was failing as a mother, wife and teacher all at the same time and being signed off work because I was having a complete breakdown.

Where to start?
My request to go PT was agreed, BUT....
My job had changed beyond recognition.

The bullying.
All the "fun" parts of my job had been given to colleagues.
Accused of "shirking".
Annual appraisals just stopped.
All big projects given to anyone but me(when previously they knew I could completely complete them efficiently and to a high standard)
Unfortunately I was already unwell with PND (management were aware of this as thought it might be helpful if they knew) so didn't have the energy or inclination to fight back. I left because I figured I'd rather be poor than dread going to work every day. I left a job that I had previously loved and worked in for years.
I don't know the answer. Management had kids themselves so hoped for a sliver of empathy and it wasn't like I ever "took the mick". Their loss. I was bloody good at my job.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

Returned to work after DD2 to a brand new year group which they new I would hate and a whole year of planning that needed redoing. It was absolutely hilarious feeling like I was failing as a mother, wife and teacher all at the same time and being signed off work because I was having a complete breakdown.

*knew

I really hope someone at MNHQ is reading this and thinking that they could do a lot more than just sell a load of laughs to an ad company. These stories are heart breaking and just illustrate yet another strategy in the ongoing war on women IMO.

Well that went well 🤣

@endofthelinefinally

I really hope someone at MNHQ is reading this and thinking that they could do a lot more than just sell a load of laughs to an ad company. These stories are heart breaking and just illustrate yet another strategy in the ongoing war on women IMO.

The misogyny is breathtaking.

"oh sorry we got it wrong, off you trot to 'pregnant then screwed' don't bother us with your stories of reality"

Pregnant then screwed is great, but I didn't know about it when I got made redundant after my first mat leave. By the time I realised the consequences it was far too late.

Nor is pregnant then screwed much help when trying to get a job after years as a SAHM where I was essentially trapped by 1) us all moving for DH's job in a country where I wasn't fluent in the language 2) getting unexpectedly pregnant on arrival back in the UK and 3) covid and lockdown and kids at home.

Oh what jolly japes we all have when our biological sex screws us over. Sex discrimination is real as this thread amply demonstrates.

But MN doesn't want us to talk about reality.

By the way I LOVED being a SAHM, which was lucky as I didn't have a lot of choice, but unlike the foreign country we lived in, the UK does not support women who want to look after their kids in the early years themselves. There's basically no help to try and get back into work afterwards, either.

Yep, I was also refused 3 annual appraisals and thus the opportunity to be promoted. I was told by LM I would have to have a full year under my belt after mat leave to qualify for an appraisal. I’d been there 10 years.

Absolutely fucking disgraceful. I see this dick on LinkedIn (works for different company) posting a load of shite about their inclusive leadership. He’s very senior in a well known international and widely respected business. I wish I could let the world know what he did to me.

But for my own career and sanity I have had to move on. And I’ve been very successful. Lots of women are in my shoes and employers are getting away with it.

I forgot that I also had to really push for my pay rise. I had to remind my Head that denying it would be sex-based discrimination and that forced her hand.

I wish Mumsnet would organise a MeToo campaign for us. I might then have the courage to share my experience on LinkedIn. I’m not brave enough to do it alone. I could have taken them to court but didn’t want the stress and reputational risk.

Honestly, these companies have inclusive policies, but the reality is very, very different.

Honestly, these companies have inclusive policies, but the reality is very, very different.

They don’t mean inclusive when it comes to women though. And definitely not when it actually means they have to do something real.

Thinking about returning to work is something I’m finding incredibly stressful. I’d hoped to find some useful info and tips on this thread…

I have an employer who are reputed to be very family friendly, but I am still trying to find time to apply for jobs, do CPD, networking (I’ve been overseas seconded to partner organisation for several years) and it really is very stressful.

I won’t get appraisals for the 9 months I’m off work so won’t be eligible for any performance bonuses or performance related pay until nearly a year after I return to work. This is on top of missing out on the pay increase that was awarded to all staff two months into my maternity leave. So for taking 9 months out I will lose 2 years of bonuses and pay increases - a total of £5,00-10,000.

I’ve been gently but repeatedly told that applying to certain high profile jobs is not a good idea for me now as they can’t be done in flexible hours. They absolutely can and in similar organisations are - but my organisation just has a clear preference for childless 20-somethings.

I have no MATL HR contact. Only my line manager, who I’ve never worked for and don’t really know, as she changed during my time away, and is therefore not incentivised to offer me anything interesting.

My performance has been excellent for the entirety of my time at my current grade. I was being readied for promotion before pregnancy. Now I am likely to go back to a job at the same level which I wouldn’t have considered if I hadn’t had a child.

Oh - despite informing my employer of my pregnancy at 8 weeks (super early!), at five months HR told me I would have to finish my secondment before my son was born, meaning I had two months (before it was too late to fly) to return to the UK, find a home, get into the NHS including navigating some quite complex medical issues, plus my husband would be unemployed and we were in the middle of a pandemic.

It was awful. I cried about it on a weekly basis and began having panic attacks. I felt so alone and unsupported by the organisation I had worked for for nearly a decade. I put EVERYTHING in writing, spoke to a lawyer and involved my union. I am myself a lawyer and used that to my advantage too. It was incredibly stressful and in the end only worked out because a corporate colleague pulled out the stops to have a policy exception made for me due to the pandemic.

25 years ago for me and I still get upset about what I went through. Dd only 4 months old as maternity leave shorter back then. Felt sick at the thought of leaving her, no one understood except my own mum. Felt forced to go back to work as I had a ‘career’ and everyone else breezily thought it would be so easy.
Sobbed continuously the night before. The wrench to leave her that morning and the pain I felt I’ll never forget. Handed my notice in the following day. Lasted 21 days in total and hated every minute.
Luckily, as I know others may not have the choice, we survived on dh wages but he had a very low paid job, no tax credits back then so very poor. Always running out of essentials and used to ask parents for one spare toilet roll until child benefit came through! No nights out, clothes, hair etc, kids dressed in hand me downs but I didn’t care. Never looked back, picked up career again when dd2 was 5 (7 years out of the workplace) and only worked part time even then.
The whole thing was traumatic and it seems I’m not the only one. In fact, mumsnet asking about the ‘chaos’ I remember clearly coming home on the evening of day 21 with the washing up still in the sink, curtains closed, everything a mess from the morning chaos, baby been out all day being cared for by someone else, on the floor crying my heart out feeling there was no way out. Thank God my mum said to ring the Drs and never go back. Without that I would have probably tried to do it all and had a breakdown. Sorry, no funny stories here.

@Rummikub

Yes expressing at work was seen as an odd thing to request. I felt uncomfortable and didn’t do it for long as a result

Me too. I wasn't given a private place to express (school). I tried using a small classroom with curtains closed but jumped out of my skin when a parent knocked on the window! That plan unravelled fairly fast.