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Original poster

my (new) boss says my body language is negative

57 replies

minny80 · 26/02/2022 18:47

I have had this new boss for about 5 months now. He is c-level, I am a manager. This week out of the blue he has spent 30 minutes criticising me on a number of things, basically, in his opinion, I am not delivering to his expectations. As a manager I was really (negatively) surprised by the way he delivered his feedback, he came across as very fed up with me and didn't give me any time to reply/defend myself.

The last criticism on the list was body language.
In the past, he has feedback to me I came across distracted and disengaged in a meeting, to which I have apologised and since made an effort to make sure this does not repeat. The other day his feedback was my body language is negative.
Tbh I am at loss on what this might mean, and not sure I should make an effort to change his mind. I personally think picking up someone on their body language, as opposed to behaviour or communication is dangerously uninclusive, and I am concerned he might have some belief of what positive body language means which he expects me to align to. I would appreciate any view on this.
To summarise he is a man (c-level), I identify as a woman (manager), and the only woman in the team of managers he leads.
He is South Asian (which I suspect might be relevant)

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 26/02/2022 18:50

Do you get your work done? Is he the only one with these problems directed towards you? How is it effecting business?

TidyDancer · 26/02/2022 18:52

You 'identify' as a woman? Can you clarify what you mean here? What relevance do you think his South Asian heritage has? It sounds like you think there is more going on here.

Soul11Soul · 26/02/2022 18:56

I would speak to someone from HR or his superior to request that any feedback from now on is given in a SMART format so that they can be objectively met or not.

Soul11Soul · 26/02/2022 18:58

...and if you feel that his feedback is based on your sex or gender and not your actual performance raise a grievance with HR.

DryOldCaper · 26/02/2022 18:59

Are you a woman?

Why do you think his South Asian heritage is relevant?

D0lphine · 26/02/2022 19:06

How is success measured for you? Financial target, customer feedback etc. Are you meeting that?

Original poster
minny80 · 26/02/2022 19:08

@Theunamedcat
Yes, I do get the work done. Yes, he is the only one who ever commented on my body language, I have no idea how this could affect the business as my role is not customer-facing.
@TidyDancer sorry for the confusion, I meant I am a woman. I wonder if the South Asian bit could be relevant as it might have conditioned how he perceives positive or negative body language. It's not intended as stereotyping of South Asian men.

I guess I am trying to get around the criticism on my negative body language to understand whether I should push back on this or maybe he has a point. My view is that picking up on someone's body language because in your opinion is negative is not inclusive and borderline discriminatory, but I would be interested to hear other opinions

OP posts:
cansu · 26/02/2022 19:09

What is c level?
Why is it relevant what you identify as? Is he a man or does he just 'identify' as a man?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 19:13

He would be identifying my middle finger speaking to me as you describe
.

marqueses · 26/02/2022 19:13

Also wondering what c level means

I don't think body language is a protected characteristic so I don't think he comments are discrimination. Could he have a point, do you have a co-worker you could ask?

TidyDancer · 26/02/2022 19:14

[quote minny80]@Theunamedcat
Yes, I do get the work done. Yes, he is the only one who ever commented on my body language, I have no idea how this could affect the business as my role is not customer-facing.
@TidyDancer sorry for the confusion, I meant I am a woman. I wonder if the South Asian bit could be relevant as it might have conditioned how he perceives positive or negative body language. It's not intended as stereotyping of South Asian men.

I guess I am trying to get around the criticism on my negative body language to understand whether I should push back on this or maybe he has a point. My view is that picking up on someone's body language because in your opinion is negative is not inclusive and borderline discriminatory, but I would be interested to hear other opinions[/quote]

Sorry, I wasn't trying to imply you were being offensive, I was just reading between the lines and wondered if you were concerned there was a discrimination issue. Sorry you're being put through this.

Original poster
minny80 · 26/02/2022 19:15

C-level roles are senior executive, CEO, COO etc

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 26/02/2022 19:20

How do people get to this level, and come out with such bollocks?

You can't just go around randomly offending your staff and expect no comeback.

I am guessing OP is wondering if C level person is being bigoted and cannot cope with senior women.

Original poster
minny80 · 26/02/2022 19:23

@TidyDancer no problem at all, I guess I am puzzled by the fact he has decided my body language is negative, and I am trying to understand why he would make that conclusion. I have personally never been told my body language is negative. I am not even sure what "negative body language" entails. I am not British, so I am aware that cultural heritage can be a factor in the way people see and process what happen in their lives.

OP posts:
iklboo · 26/02/2022 19:26

I'd be requesting specific examples and feedback on what he thought I needed to improve. Just saying 'you have negative body language' is bollocks as it can be subjective.

MMBaranova · 26/02/2022 19:27

Perhaps he can role play being you deploying suitable body language and you can video him doing it to learn from. Or...

bluedodecagon · 26/02/2022 19:29

Negative body language means non-verbal cues that indicate negative things. So for example eye rolling or loud sighing or giving dirty looks.

Do you do any of that?

sweetbellyhigh · 26/02/2022 19:29

What a twat he is.

Body language or not, he still needs to be clear about what exactly the issue is, is he unhappy that you smile/don't smile? look at your phone during meetings? don't salivate at his every word? He needs to be specific and to explain why it's a problem for him/the company and what he expects you to do about it.

He has no right to just saddle you with his crap.

Sounds like you need support, do you have a union or employment lawyer friend?

His verbal and non verbal language is fucking hostile, are you allowed to complain about that?

bellac11 · 26/02/2022 19:30

Does he mean that your distracted and disengaged presentation is still present? Perhaps he feels that this hasnt improved although you say you have been working on it

Theres nothing worse than having a meeting with someone who is clearly not paying attention, or worse (on teams) reading other emails, looking all over their screen. (not saying you do that but I have to tell someone about that before)

Hawkins001 · 26/02/2022 19:30

@minny80

I have had this new boss for about 5 months now. He is c-level, I am a manager. This week out of the blue he has spent 30 minutes criticising me on a number of things, basically, in his opinion, I am not delivering to his expectations. As a manager I was really (negatively) surprised by the way he delivered his feedback, he came across as very fed up with me and didn't give me any time to reply/defend myself. The last criticism on the list was body language. In the past, he has feedback to me I came across distracted and disengaged in a meeting, to which I have apologised and since made an effort to make sure this does not repeat. The other day his feedback was my body language is negative. Tbh I am at loss on what this might mean, and not sure I should make an effort to change his mind. I personally think picking up someone on their body language, as opposed to behaviour or communication is dangerously uninclusive, and I am concerned he might have some belief of what positive body language means which he expects me to align to. I would appreciate any view on this. To summarise he is a man (c-level), I identify as a woman (manager), and the only woman in the team of managers he leads. He is South Asian (which I suspect might be relevant)
blog.udemy.com/positive-body-language/

That may help,

But in General I can understand body language in context with other behaviours can be useful, but I need more research to see if it's a useful guide on its own, as to weather a person is engaged with different topics being discussed.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/02/2022 19:31

Well, here's some stuff from American Express, for what it's worth -

www.americanexpress.com/en-us/business/trends-and-insights/articles/body-language-mistakes-shouldnt-make-at-office/

It boils down to slouching, fidgeting, rolling your eyes and not making eye contact. The stuff that makes people look like surly teenagers, basically.

Could any of it have a basis in truth?

Original poster
minny80 · 26/02/2022 19:42

He mentioned eye contact, and I think I have the tendency to lower my eyes when listening so that I can focus. I don't think I slouch or cross my arms too often (also most meetings are on Zoom) and most definitely not rolling eyes or sighting in a meeting. I don't think I smile much in meetings where he is present, and I might possibly feel a bit on edge, as he is often picking up on things I say.

OP posts:
D0lphine · 26/02/2022 19:46

Really tricky to know whether his criticisms are valid or not because we haven't seen you in action as it were!

I do think that bad body language can have an effect, and is worthy of criticism, but whether your body language is good or not is a matter of opinion!

SeasonFinale · 26/02/2022 19:53

Lowering your eyes would again go back to looking distracted and unequaled so I suspect that is what he is picking you up on. If you seem uninterested when someone is talking to you because you do not seem interested whether it is colleagues or clients it doesn't give the best impression.

bellac11 · 26/02/2022 19:53

I would ask him to list the things that he feels make your non verbal communication negative, and then see if any of that is valid or changable or could be explained (such as how you concentrate which is to look down).
The bits that are valid, I would tell him that you will improve those bits and the bits that are just characteristics of you but are not negative as such will remain as they are.