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my (new) boss says my body language is negative

57 replies

minny80 · 26/02/2022 18:47

I have had this new boss for about 5 months now. He is c-level, I am a manager. This week out of the blue he has spent 30 minutes criticising me on a number of things, basically, in his opinion, I am not delivering to his expectations. As a manager I was really (negatively) surprised by the way he delivered his feedback, he came across as very fed up with me and didn't give me any time to reply/defend myself.

The last criticism on the list was body language.
In the past, he has feedback to me I came across distracted and disengaged in a meeting, to which I have apologised and since made an effort to make sure this does not repeat. The other day his feedback was my body language is negative.
Tbh I am at loss on what this might mean, and not sure I should make an effort to change his mind. I personally think picking up someone on their body language, as opposed to behaviour or communication is dangerously uninclusive, and I am concerned he might have some belief of what positive body language means which he expects me to align to. I would appreciate any view on this.
To summarise he is a man (c-level), I identify as a woman (manager), and the only woman in the team of managers he leads.
He is South Asian (which I suspect might be relevant)

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 27/02/2022 12:13

Body language is a huge part of non verbal communication so I would give (and receive) feedback on it regularly during my training and now as a manager. I would expect to be given examples so that you can make positive changes. The thing you need to be aware of is the difference between your behavioural intention and behavioural impact. Your intention is relevant but not the whole story; if he is getting feedback from others that you come across badly then the impact of your body language is a problem.

www.betterup.com/blog/intent-vs-impact

minny80 · 27/02/2022 12:31

Hello, thanks for all the comments so far, and sorry this post is going to be long.

I am not sure whether the new boss's behaviour can be attributed to misogynism or not. I think part of the problem is this man has incredibly poor people skills and I think there could be a cultural/social conditioning element, which is why I was interested to investigate the "body language" criticism.

I obviously don't know how he handles feedback to other people he manages, but I know we (the people he manages) all have concerns about how directive (borderline micro managerial) his approach is.

He also recently fired one of the managers because his role apparently didn't align with his vision (I said apparently because his role could have been slightly modified to align with his vision IMO), which is fair enough, but the way the sacking was done and communicated was really shady and left many people surprised and saddened.

In relation to the meeting we had the other day I personally felt insulted/humiliated by the way he shared his feedback. It was one harsh criticism after the other, with no way for me to intercept the conversation and when I could say a few words to start framing his points he kept interrupting me and asking leading questions ("So do you think it's acceptable to do x and y?!?")
As a manager myself, I felt appalled he thought it was ok to deliver seemingly "developmental feedback" in the way he did.

In terms of the content, I widely disagree in most cases. For instance, he said I am not performing well enough on a specific strategic task which in my opinion is not really part of my role, which I have been taking on over the last couple of years because it was a blocker for my team (basically we need to hire someone specifically to do the job he thinks I should be doing alongside my job).
Other feedbacks were around topics that I have allegedly brought up in meetings he wasn't even present (I didn't bring up the topic but I commented on it in a way that is relevant to the discussion in the meeting). He also said I only present problems and not solutions (my team is severely understaffed which affects our delivery speed and our ability to cover multiple projects).
You get the gist.

We had one more 121 meeting since and he was much more conciliatory and made a point to clarify he thinks I have a lot of potential and he wants to help me thrive, to which replied I wasn't happy he didn't give me the chance to tell my side of the story. So apparently we are going to catch up soon on the feedbacks, hence I am thinking how to approach the "Body language" topic, because I know already how to challenge the other feedbacks.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 27/02/2022 12:51

Feedback on body language may be valid, but unless he gave specific examples, it's useless feedback. If he said, "you never give eye contact, so can you think about where your camera is, and maybe put your laptop on a stand, so it's a better angle," that's something you can act on. If he said you always have your arms crossed, again that's specific, so you can act on it. But if he just says "your body language is negative," you should go back to him and ask for specific examples, and then decide whether he's got a valid point, or it's down to different cultural expectations or he's an arsehole. Or a mix. If you can talk to your peers and find out if they've had similar feedback, you can work out whether he's being sexist about it, andcwatch them on the next call to see what their body language is like.

Video calls are different from face-to-face meetings. I work in a company that's done video conferencing for years, as we have global teams, but there are still many who are crap at it, like putting their conferencing window on a different screen from where their camera is, so we get a nice profile view throughout. I've also seen up a lot of colleagues' noses, or the tops of their heads, and I'm quite well acquainted with a lot of their ceilings, too. Often, it doesn't really matter, but there are important calls from time to time where it is more important to make a good impression, and some people just don't think about it camera angles, what's in their background and so on.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2022 13:17

Other feedbacks were around topics that I have allegedly brought up in meetings he wasn't even present (I didn't bring up the topic but I commented on it in a way that is relevant to the discussion in the meeting). He also said I only present problems and not solutions (my team is severely understaffed which affects our delivery speed and our ability to cover multiple projects)

That's interesting.

Have you read the Minutes of those meetings? Or watched back a recorded Zoom meeting? It might give you an insight into either how you have come across or how your words could be interpreted once somebody has typed them up.

For example, you could have;

AB noted that x project has not met the expected stage due to Y not being submitted on the required date. M80 noted at some length that this was due to staffing issues. HR noted that the staffing levels are consistent with the previous quarter. M80 noted that this is an ongoing issue. FD noted that failure to meet Z deadline would have a negative effect upon compliance in terms of.... ....... M80 noted that this is correct but nothing could be done to change that whilst the M80 department staffing issues continue.

However, if the Minutes were to read that M80 proposed the recruitment of a .... in order to ensure Z deadline is met on 5th April 2022. FD noted that staffing levels were consistent with the previous quarter. M80 noted that x project has already experienced difficulties but that the recruitment of a ....... would ensure that this project remains compliant with Statutory requirements as well as providing additional capacity for expansion of the proposed ...... policy review. FD noted that this would have an additional cost. M80 noted that the cost would be offset by the benefits to delivery times, workload upon individual members of staff, enhance departmental morale and the additional skills in .... would then be useful during the Q1 Policy Review.

Essentially, they're both saying 'we're understaffed and need somebody else hired', but one is you 'making excuses' for failure or 'bringing problems to the table' and one is you proposing something that has benefits, having identified issues, so you're 'bringing solutions to the table' and being proactive in terms of other items, showing that you are taking the ongoing needs of the business into account.

If that's too much of a word salad, perhaps looking back at the recorded meeting/minutes would show either you saying

It's shit. We can't do it. No, not going to happen, not my fault, we can't do it. No, nobody ever listens to me. I'm doing 18 hour days and haven't been on holiday since 2018 and I haven't seen my Mum since before Boris Johnson was elected. None of this is my fault.

or

I've got a great idea, it'll be great because it will sort x, y and z AND it'll be brilliant because my idea will mean that we can also do a, b and c, which will make Finance/Sales/Legal happy look good for their appraisals.

If you add a potentially negative set of statements in meetings to a lack of eye contact, apparent attempts to avoid being 'put on the spot' or answer questions and what could be seen as deflection, that could be detrimental towards their perception of you.

But put positive, proactive statements to the fore, combined with an open, confident posture and behaviours? You come across as somebody who can get things done, plans well, identifies solutions and looks ahead to keep in with the CEO's vision of the organisation's direction.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 13:23

Seems to me that he just doesn't like you, for whatever reason, and he'll say anything to stick the boot in. You must threaten him in some way, because his critisms of you are just outrageous. What a prick.

RedWingBoots · 27/02/2022 13:40

@Aquamarine1029

Seems to me that he just doesn't like you, for whatever reason, and he'll say anything to stick the boot in. You must threaten him in some way, because his critisms of you are just outrageous. What a prick.
Agreed.

I would be looking to move department or preferably move company.

If you then have an exit interview call out his micromanagement and point out it is sexism.

bellac11 · 27/02/2022 15:55

The OP said she is the only female on the team, she also said that others are talking about this managers micro management. How therefore is it sexism?

OP - micromanagment disempowers employees and disables learning and competency, I would set out a list of issues with his management but ask for specifics about his observation of 'negative body language', make this formal but be evidenced based and specific. Others in your team may need to do the same, if he is micro managing them too, no doubt they will have had similar converesations with him and him also cricitisiing them.

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