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Original poster

Absolutely devastated at how new job has taken a wrong turn

88 replies

Metabigot · 02/12/2021 19:31

Started a new job last month (internal move) and managing a team of 3 people. I thought all was fine. One of them was a bit whingey and said she'd not been given development opportunities in the past, I said I'd develop her but put together a proper plan once I'd been in post a little while and done her PDR which would be in the new year.

She asked if she could note take at a senior meeting, I said fine. She then started to get overly involved with making suggestions to me for how I should run this meeting, what I should do etc and when I tried to bat it back a bit (such as saying let's see first what so and so says at the meeting) she came back a bit more forcefully.

Just before the meeting I suddenly thought she may start trying to input in the meeting itself which would have been inappropriate and so I rang her to say 'you understand your role at the meeting is just to note take don't you'

Perhaps in hindsight I could have said it more gently but to be frank, all hell broke lose. She accused me of being rude and not helping her. I rang my manager to put it on her radar, she then rang my manager and cried down the phone about how horrible I was being.

I tried to call her to smooth the waters, she then attacked me with a tirade of all my faults as a manager and how she'd made me want to leave the company etc. And I've only been managing her four weeks!

I tried to move on but that evening I just got more and more upset at home with how she'd spoken to me and criticised me, felt totally undermined as a manager and so spoke to my manager who got us on a 3 way call without warning or consent. She continued to berate me on the call despite my manager trying to play mediator, eventually saying she was refusing to work with me any longer as she'd lost confidence in me.

I had to leave for another meeting and my manager has basically told her she has to work for me or look for another job but wow wtf has happened here? I really do wonder about her mental health as she said this all started when we had a meeting at head office and went out as a group later (this was before I'd even joined that team). Some of us got separated after the bar and ended up at a different restaurant - apparantly I was ignoring her calls and laughing at her the next day? I didn't even know she'd called me! I wasn't even managing her then!

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone with the employee from hell - HELP!!!

OP posts:

headintheproverbial · 02/12/2021 22:17

I inherited someone like this once. I just fired her after some performance / behaviour management. Everyone thanked me - she was a nightmare for everyone.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2021 22:21

I’m with rookie. Your job as manager is now to tell her clearly that the language is not acceptable.
However given her refusal to work with you I would discuss with manager and say usually I would have a one on one where I explain her swearing in work calls is not in line with our professional standards. However, I have concerns about any one on one here given her refusal to work with me with no substance behind it, so I’d like to ask your advice - would you recommend I have that one on one but with hr and call it a formal warning , or just send an email?

TheRigatonini · 02/12/2021 22:22

There are some that particularly seem to see it as a bit of a blood sport. No doubt they'll be on soon to tell me how this proves what a terrible boss I am....

I'm used to it now, take it with a cellar of salt and just listen to the posters who don't seem to be playing that particular game.

Well done OP, I think you’re exactly right and there are definitely some posters who just want to pick apart a post and give the OP a bit of shit. You see needlessly combative replies and goading on most threads, definitely agree that it’s just sport for a certain type of bored poster.

Then you get the entitled ones who complain that the poster hasn’t immediately acted upon some advice given, hasn’t answered everyone’s questions thoroughly enough, hasn’t come back quickly enough with an update, hasn’t yet left their marriage of 20 years as suggested, etc. etc.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2021 22:22

You are hr so I guess with someone else in hr too!

Thermosplat · 03/12/2021 04:27

I'm sure most managers have had to manage someone similar, I certainly have. It seems you are struggling with the people management side, can you ask your boss what support there is for managers? Your team will walk all over you otherwise and you'll end up an emotional mess by the sound of it. Swearing in a meeting is not acceptable, your boss is on your side which is good, as HR you should know what to do in this situation surely.

Original poster

Metabigot · 03/12/2021 20:34

@Thermosplat

Massive difference knowing the theory to the practice but imo it all depends on the support from above.

My boss seems to be wanting to keep everyone happy and take the path of least resistance, I feel like my authority has been challenged (by her running to the level above over something relatively minor) and I need some reassurance of support if this becomes a pattern. I feel like that's her end game - to effectively challenge my role as manager by going to the big boss if she doesn't like something I do. At least, that's my worry.

Big boss has said to both leave each other alone for a week to cool off which is fine by me..... I've realised I need to just keep a bit more of a professional distance certainly with this person but may be with my team in general. And not engage in this game playing or let her get a rise out of me.

I'll hopefully emerge from this with my 'boss wings' - a bit stronger, wiser and able to maintain an appropriate distance. I'm seeing it as a learning experience. I won't be the same as before.

OP posts:

WhenSepEnds · 03/12/2021 20:50

Well there are two things to take from this:

Be clear in your expectations of what you want from her and make sure she is clear on them too.

Record EVERYTHING. I manage 36 staff and there are only ever issues with the same ones repeatedly. You need to have everything recorded so there's evidence if you need
To go to HR later on. I would also advise speaking to HR if she continues to be problematic as they can help to guide you. With one particular staff member, HR told me I had some far too much to support them and that they could have got rid of them much more quickly had I been less generous in my support. I took that as a lesson to involve them at an earlier stage and it's worked well for me

Macmickmoo · 03/12/2021 22:14

@WhenSepEnds

Well there are two things to take from this:

Be clear in your expectations of what you want from her and make sure she is clear on them too.

The poster is HR!

Original poster

Metabigot · 03/12/2021 22:32

Yeah the poster is HR but it's very very different when you're the one on the driving seat having the arrows fired at you.

Also, if you're HR you can't go to HR, not officially although I have loads in my network who can give informal advice.

OP posts:

Sunflowers095 · 04/12/2021 12:48

You dont sound like a great manager. You've been in the role 4 weeks and have another 4 weeks in December (well, 3 weeks) - almost two months not enough to prioritize your team and people development?

You're either inefficient or don't care about developing your team and if I would probably leave if I had a manager like this. I work somewhere where my input is valued, my development is a clear priority & your work environment really doesn't sound nice.

Not sure how long the employee has been there for but have you ever considered actually listening especially if there's a disagreeing opinion? Maybe you could learn a thing or two if you were open minded?

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2021 23:23

@Sunflowers095

You don’t sound like you’ve ever been a manager if you don’t have any concept of people like these!

InconvenientPeg · 04/12/2021 23:38

I managed someone like this. She was recruited by my boss when I was on maternity, and clearly felt it was a step down to report to me when I returned.

I ended up managing her out to another team, where she was much happier. You need to record and write up everything, keep your boss copied in, and be really neutral in every interaction with her.

It's a nightmare, but absolutely remember she probably does this with most managers, it's not about you personally.

And totally get the note taking not contributing thing. I recently note took at a directors meeting and though I was invited to contribute, I did feel afterwards that I'd over reached slightly and apologised to my boss, who was fine about it, but I knew I'd got a bit too enthusiastic 😆

Original poster

Metabigot · 05/12/2021 14:55

Thank you. I trailed through my emails from her yesterday and found at least 3 praising/complimenting my style and support so it is absolute bullshit for her to now say I've been a bad boss all the time (ie the four weeks I've been managing her)

I've forwarded these on to my boss also saying I'd like to move on now, and as I'd originally invited the team for a festive trip to Costa in Wednesday i hope she can come too.

So if she continues to play up now i think she'll look really unreasonable.

OP posts:

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