How to deal with colleague-or with my reactions

[Cottagepieandpeas]

Morning all
I am at the end of my tether with a colleague.
It's complicated, I've known her for years, we worked together 15+ years ago and have bumped in to each other since then at conferences / events etc.
I am now working in the organisation she has been at since she left the place where we first met.

I think she is neurodiverse in some respect, possibly ASC, and I really try to bear this in mind when interacting with her, but some days, like today, it just makes me want to cry. She's not a horrible person, but so thoughtless and no care what she says to me (and others).

(We are both part time so don't cross over that much, and only see each other online. Most of our communication is by email but we see each other at least once a week in a team meeting).

Today's incident is minor, but on top of all the other things, it's made me angry and upset.

She sent an email to a number of people including me, about a client I have worked with and have handed over to colleagues for further input.

My colleagues email asked me to 'please make sure I write client notes in the [appropriate place]'.

I mean, this is a basic part of my role. I do it everytime, as I had in this instance, as well as putting all the info in a handover email.

She has made it look to a number of colleagues as if I haven't done one of the basic functions of my job.

I don't know whether to 'reply all' and say 'I have, the notes are in the correct location', ignore it or just reply to her individually. (That's what I ususally do when she does something like this).

I know this seems like a minor issue but it's the sort of thing that happens week after week. Emails telling me to do things that I have done, or things that are not my role or things that conflict with what our manager has told us.

I am sick of it. (Sorry this is long).
Further info - we have the same number of years experience in our roles, I have held senior positions in other organisations but that is not the case now.
I am looking for other jobs.

I just need to know how I can rise above this because she is not going to change.

If course you need to reply to all and correct her. Stand up for yourself - no one else will.

I don't think I could sit on my hands on this. I'd reply politely that you confirm all the notes are up to date in the correct location as usual. Make your reply sound transactional rather than defensive or a retort.

Can you write something slight passive aggressive like 'the notes were updated on X date in X location as per our normal procedure.... have you not been able to access them?

Word appropriately for your organisation of course.

It sounds like she's done it in a "just checking" kind if way rather than to deliberately show you up so send a cheery reply all, "thanks, it's all saved in the appropriate place as usual."

@Gearedtoyou
I agree, I don't think she's done it to show me up either.
But why didn't she check the notes first? I just wouldn't say something like that without checking.

@WeAreTheHeroes

I don't think I could sit on my hands on this. I'd reply politely that you confirm all the notes are up to date in the correct location as usual. Make your reply sound transactional rather than defensive or a retort.

Yes this is the sort of thing I normally do, although I suspect I do sound defensive sometimes.

It's really getting me down today, similar things week after week.
There's a tendency for other colleagues to say 'oh it's 'colleague' you know what she's like' which is true.
But I don't think it's ok.

Thanks everyone. Friendly responses which have made me feel better anyway

Just reply all, calmly 'as far as I am aware, I have. Can you point me to specific records that need some attention?'

And then forget about it or respond as appropriate. If she is ASC other people will have noticed and be used to her.

The thing with "just checking" is that the person isn't, I assume, the Op's superior. The colleague is undermining the Op, is basically saying that she isn't doing her job properly and the steady drip drip drip of negativity crosses the line into bullying.

I would reply all and say “hi Jane, all notes should be in X place, if you need a hand locating them let me know.”

Definitely reply to all. Some good wording suggested by others.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I would reply all and say “hi Jane, all notes should be in X place, if you need a hand locating them let me know.”

This

Thanks all. Yes @MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry I might just use that phrase (and if she's on Mumsnet she'll know where I got it from )

@misscockerspaniel yes this is the issue. She's not my superior and yet it feels she is putting herself in that position.

I just need to try to calm down / rise above it as much as possible.

Dont send any of the PA responses offering help, that makes you as bad as her . Just a straightforward response saying yes it's all where it should be.

Gosh yes definitely Reply to all every time!

She sounds like she's trying to undermine or even gas light you.

Be affirmative in your response «the notes are in the correct place» , not «they should be there» or «you think they are» as it makes it sound like you’re not sure and are potentially unreliable, and she’ll only ask you to double check and annoy you even more.

Forward each one to your line manager and get them to stop her copying in everyone else. If she has a question for you she should ask you, not the world and his dog.

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Forward each one to your line manager and get them to stop her copying in everyone else. If she has a question for you she should ask you, not the world and his dog.

You want to ask a line manager to step in because someone checked something that didn't really need checking? You'd look barking mad.

I think the best response is @MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry
Cos it definitely sounds like you haven't put them there when she's put that in her email so I couldn't cope with leaving that as it is

I wouldn't be passive aggressive, it makes everyone copied in feel uncomfortable and it's unprofessional.

I do agree with addressing it publicly, however. Just reply to all, with a neutral tone, and then separately ask her (possibly for not the first time, if I've read your op correctly) to communicate directly to you if she has any specific queries about your work in future. Possibly use the angle that it clogs up people's inbox with irrelevant information and wastes the team's time/is inefficient.

Be as emotionally detached as you can, and look for that new job, if you feel it's the right path for you.

oh god yes of COURSE you should reply all!
Thanks Jane, notes are all saved in Usual Place. Best OP

or even better they were saved there on (date) which shows you didn't need her reminder. Everyone will read between the lines.

You want to ask a line manager to step in because someone checked something that didn't really need checking? You'd look barking mad.

Well, that's not what I wrote!

Or just reply
Hi
I put the notes on on (whatever date)

Thanks

And CC in your manager

@TellMeItsPossible has it - reply all confirming you have, as usual, put them in the right place. And then send her an individual email asking her not to do this. It's out of order of her.