How to deal with colleague-or with my reactions

[Cottagepieandpeas]

Morning all
I am at the end of my tether with a colleague.
It's complicated, I've known her for years, we worked together 15+ years ago and have bumped in to each other since then at conferences / events etc.
I am now working in the organisation she has been at since she left the place where we first met.

I think she is neurodiverse in some respect, possibly ASC, and I really try to bear this in mind when interacting with her, but some days, like today, it just makes me want to cry. She's not a horrible person, but so thoughtless and no care what she says to me (and others).

(We are both part time so don't cross over that much, and only see each other online. Most of our communication is by email but we see each other at least once a week in a team meeting).

Today's incident is minor, but on top of all the other things, it's made me angry and upset.

She sent an email to a number of people including me, about a client I have worked with and have handed over to colleagues for further input.

My colleagues email asked me to 'please make sure I write client notes in the [appropriate place]'.

I mean, this is a basic part of my role. I do it everytime, as I had in this instance, as well as putting all the info in a handover email.

She has made it look to a number of colleagues as if I haven't done one of the basic functions of my job.

I don't know whether to 'reply all' and say 'I have, the notes are in the correct location', ignore it or just reply to her individually. (That's what I ususally do when she does something like this).

I know this seems like a minor issue but it's the sort of thing that happens week after week. Emails telling me to do things that I have done, or things that are not my role or things that conflict with what our manager has told us.

I am sick of it. (Sorry this is long).
Further info - we have the same number of years experience in our roles, I have held senior positions in other organisations but that is not the case now.
I am looking for other jobs.

I just need to know how I can rise above this because she is not going to change.

I'd include the comment about not sending to large groups unless relevant. Also do add a comment offering to help if she's having issues understanding the notes.

@TellMeItsPossible

I wouldn't be passive aggressive, it makes everyone copied in feel uncomfortable and it's unprofessional.

I do agree with addressing it publicly, however. Just reply to all, with a neutral tone, and then separately ask her (possibly for not the first time, if I've read your op correctly) to communicate directly to you if she has any specific queries about your work in future. Possibly use the angle that it clogs up people's inbox with irrelevant information and wastes the team's time/is inefficient.

Be as emotionally detached as you can, and look for that new job, if you feel it's the right path for you.

Agree

I disagree with the poster saying not to raise this with your manager- as this is part of a pattern which is making you look for another job, of course you should.
I'd send the reply all email that people have suggested but I'd also email just her and ask her why she sent it.

I used to work with someone exactly like this! She was not superior to me, but I think making such comments made her feel like she was.
Sorry to sound negative but whatever you write back to her she will have an answer for it!

Our department once had an entire day devoted to an "Assume Positive Intent" course because one person some people were forever writing emails like that. We had a dour American who frequently signed off with "gee, thanks so much" which we all thought was sarcasm but apparently if you put on your API sunglasses he really did mean "wow thanks."
Would it help if you put her bluntness through an Assume Positive Intent filter everytime? Always assume she didn't mean you but someone else she sent the email to?

Is it possible she was checking other docs from people ( in the cc list? ) who haven’t filled them out correctly, and rather than email them , she’s sent out an email to you all?

@IntemperateSpirits

Our department once had an entire day devoted to an "Assume Positive Intent" course because one person some people were forever writing emails like that. We had a dour American who frequently signed off with "gee, thanks so much" which we all thought was sarcasm but apparently if you put on your API sunglasses he really did mean "wow thanks." Would it help if you put her bluntness through an Assume Positive Intent filter everytime? Always assume she didn't mean you but someone else she sent the email to?

Haha amazing! We need this at my work. We are absolute horrors for this.

I would have probably screenshot the folder that the notes were in with the date I put them in there and reply to all with a picture and 'These notes? They were done as always the day/hour/whenever after the meeting.'

I had a colleague like this, she was vying for a promotion which she got after lots of nasty whispers under the guise of concern.

Email back to all:
"I always do, just double checked and they were put in there on X date.
Are you struggling to find something? Let me know if you need any help"

Polite, helpful but lets everybody know that you did your job.

The comment about thinking she might be autistic has got my back up. If you she is, she'll keep doing it because it puts her mind at rest. I'm autistic and have to do certain things so that I know everything's right. If this is just an assumption, then you're being ableist.

@TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons

The comment about thinking she might be autistic has got my back up. If you she is, she'll keep doing it because it puts her mind at rest. I'm autistic and have to do certain things so that I know everything's right. If this is just an assumption, then you're being ableist.

Apologies for getting your back up @TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons

Yes I agree with you. As I said I do try to bear it in mind. I think she is not neurotypical.

I appreciate that she might have to keep checking, but sending it to everyone?

The way the emails work is that she writes one email about a topic and then breaks it up in to paragraphs for different, named people. So the comment about the notes was definitely for me.

I can see why that makes sense, to write one email instead of four (or whatever) but it means we are all party to the checking / arguing she is doing with other people.

I don’t expect to be able to change her ways of working to be honest. I just need to be able to find a way of managing my reactions.

You need to reply all and do the 'the notes were added as always, per procedure on x date. Please let me know if you are having trouble access them, and we can investigate with IT.'

Always do it. It might not stop it, but it might.

@CompetitiveMumming

oh god yes of COURSE you should reply all! Thanks Jane, notes are all saved in Usual Place. Best OP

This is by far the best approach, don't do all the passive aggressive "do you need any help finding them" business, that just makes you look petty.

I would reply, “Hi Ann, all notes are in the normal place. Give me a call if you can’t find something and I will help you.”

Oh I had a colleague just like that.

I actually stopped replying to her, or "all". She wasn't my boss and anyone who looked could see that I'd done the thing correctly.

She is spoiling for a fight, don't get into it.

Sometimes ignoring is the power move.

@Coffeetree

Sometimes ignoring is the power move.

Agree with this route, also.

Chances are everyone else is as irritated as you by her. But I'd reply to all, as pp say, notes are in the usual place, can you not find them?

Chances are fairly high that everyone knows she's like this.

The one issue for replying all when no one else needs the email is that they'll just grumble about you spamming them (unless they need the notes too, in which case reply all). If the notes are of no consequence to them just leave it - ignore. Don't reply at all to the email.

The below is slightly lighthearted - hope it makes you laugh though! Haha.

So, going forward email her everytime you've done something and separately.

Updated notes date
Saved notes date
Updated notes date

Everytime you've done something, send her an email. When she doesn't respond email her again and say - did you get my email below, I saved the notes, pls confirm received?

Also attach a read, and delivery receipt to every email, you send.

Within a week she'll be pulling her hair out, haha.

When she emails (which she will) she'll write 'you don't need to email me every time you've done xyz'. Reply, 'I thought you liked confirmation because you always drop reminders even when I've taken the action' or 'I liked to drop confirmations to prevent you dropping public reminders'.

Get that level petty. Hahahaha

We have someone like this in our dept. Drive me absolutely mad every day. Doesn't miss an opportunity to make someone look bad. Awkward, nasty, aggressive and bullish
She's disrespectful to the person above her and a total bigot to boot.
She'll go too far one day and I for one can't wait

I get these periodically - I reply with something along the lines of -
Xxx reply all:
Mrs Williams was one of my patients. The notes sent seem to be in the prescribed format. If you need any help accessing them, please don’t hesitate to email me.

I’ve found if you don’t nip these things in the bud they escalate.

Treat the question as though she’s asking you where they are. If they’re in a shared drive just respond “Here you go ”

I’m sure the overall picture is that she’s intently annoying, and you have already said this is a minor example so the others are probably worse. But on this one, I think you could also just get a thicker skin. Great, an email that needs no action from you. File/delete and move on.

Save your “already done Jane, let me know if you need a hand” type emails for if she’s really making you look bad.

I’m not even totally sure I disagree with her approach on this one. It sounds like her job depends on a number of other people having done theirs? So rather than go through and check everyone else’s work, she’s sending one email to everyone, “Bob please make sure you’ve checked the legalities, Jo can you note any actions for the committee, Cottagepieandpeas can you save the notes in the appropriate place.” If that’s what’s happening, I don’t think I’d consider that to be an implication that you haven’t been doing your job, she’s just being proactive.