Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Wise Ruby Wax - working and stay at home parents

592 replies

Judy1234 · 24/11/2007 22:01

In today's Telegraph....

"Dear Ruby

I stopped working when I had my third child. It didn't make sense to continue with my job when I had a stressed-out husband requiring my support and children who needed me at home. It was an agonising decision, but my salary only just covered the cost of childcare.

And we didn't need the money - my husband earns six times more than I did. More importantly, I felt really guilty going off to the office every day and leaving my kids behind.

My problem is this: since I stopped working I feel like a non-person. Oddly, it's other women who give me this feeling. Women who have somehow managed to keep their careers afloat through babies, breastfeeding, nappy rash and all the mayhem of motherhood, treat me with barely disguised contempt. It's almost as if, by staying at home, I've lost the right to have an opinion, or say anything interesting. It's deeply upsetting.

Life is hard enough as it is, so why can't women be allies at least? Why can't we respect each other's choices? Amanda M, Edinburgh

Dear Amanda

I have heard that cry from some of my "non-person" friends when they decided to give it all up for breastfeeding duty. The reason I would also probably treat you with disdain if I met you is that I am secretly (well, not so secretly any more) jealous.

You are lucky enough to have a husband who makes six times the amount you made and that really irks me, as I'm sure it would other females.

But in your position, I would have worked anyway, as all my self-esteem is stored up in my job. I could never have applied the word "housewife" to myself. I'd rather have put a sabre through my head.

Although I admire your sacrifice to the little one, on the whole, I find women who don't work to be just a teensy bit boring with their obsession with schools and stools. Not all, just most.

Perhaps other working mothers are reminded how guilty they feel about abandoning the home. Perhaps we take it out on you. Enjoy your home life."

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 04/12/2007 13:53

i genuinely ENJOY WORKING, derive a great deal of personal, vocational and professional satisfaction from my chosen career - that is why i work. i have invested a lot of academic/persoanl time in it, and i am (imo) bloody good at my job, i receive good feedback from my peers. thats why i do it. if i won the ottery tomorrow all that would change would be i would be able to go into pivate practice, dammit build my own unit, lol but that aint going to happen is it

Anna8888 · 04/12/2007 13:54

I have lots of lovely Mummy friends but I also come across lots of mothers (eg acquaintances) with very different outlooks and behaviours to my own and I find that interesting. I don't dislike them - in fact, I enjoy exploring the differences.

Maybe you should mix with people who are different to you, too and broaden your horizons a little, rather than thinking that things you have never seen can't possibly exist...

NadineBaggott · 04/12/2007 13:54

I'M LATE TO this - yawned at the sentiment (blah, blah) then go to the bit about Ann Widdicombe on HIGNFY - blardy hilarious, I've saved it.

Apparently afterwards she said she'd never go back as Jimmy Carr was profane and gross all the way through (obviously cut!)

morningpaper · 04/12/2007 13:56

I have met a few other mums Anna

But not any who can't bear to be with their children

But obviously I do live in a small barn in the middle of the bleak countryside

Anna8888 · 04/12/2007 13:58

MP - I repeat - I never wrote hate or can't bear.

Maybe you should take some reading classes too?

ScottishMummy · 04/12/2007 14:01

nice distractiona and projection techniques anna888 - i think MP has made valid points you seem unable to answer so revert to sarcasm to deflect - hey what do i know hehehe since i dont know my own child

Anna8888 · 04/12/2007 14:05

Morningpaper was trying to pick a fight on the basis of things that hadn't been written.

What's the point of that?

morningpaper · 04/12/2007 14:05

Anna, you v. rude, hun. XXXX

Anna8888 · 04/12/2007 14:08

Rude to suggest you can't read very well when you misquote me and try to pick a silly fight on that basis?

I could be much, much ruder about that kind of behaviour .

morningpaper · 04/12/2007 14:09

You are the queen of the passive-aggressive smiley

Anna8888 · 04/12/2007 14:13

Thanks for the compliment

mummymagic · 04/12/2007 14:14

Oh I really like my job. Get a lot of satisfaction from it - dh and I talk almost nothing else (both being teachers!) but I think it is only be a small part of who I am - I can easily get that from being a fabulous mum (modest, moi?) or by making something creative.

mummymagic · 04/12/2007 14:20

PS Good luck with the lottery anyway

ScottishMummy · 04/12/2007 14:29

thanks MM see you for canapes at the opening when i win that roll over

Piffle · 04/12/2007 14:32

It's not always yearning for my childs company Anna actually

Tis more the dire thought of someone who does not love them teaching them their formative language and moral conduct.

Anna8888 · 04/12/2007 14:39

Piffle - I understand your point of view very well .

mollymawk · 04/12/2007 14:53

For these theads I think we need a [smile through gritted teeth] emoticon
Perhaps I should ask Tech

Swedes2Turnips1 · 04/12/2007 15:13

A SAHM emoticon, great idea. I think we need an arse perched on a sofa watching daytime tv (not working lunch). And perhaps a few Garibaldi crumbs for authenticity?

Swedes2Turnips1 · 04/12/2007 15:16

I will leave WOHM to suggest their own WOHM emoticon - if they have time for self-deprecation.

inthegutter · 04/12/2007 16:54

Piffle I'm intrigued - why is the thought of someone who does not love your children teaching them their formative language 'dire'? I'm just interested because it seems a very strong term to use! Children will learn from those around them, many of whom will love them, some of whom will care for them and build a bond with them (eg CM/nursery worker). Actually the parents themselves are mostly responsible for teaching their children their formative language (whether one, both or neither parents work). Ditto 'moral conduct'. If a father works and the mother stays at home, are you suggesting the father doesn't have any input into the moral conduct of his children? Weird!
I think it's up to people to make their own family choices about who works in the family (if they can afford to make a choice). But I intensely like the idea that if you choose to stay at home you somehow have to justify your choice by making out that you are doing something 'better' than if you don't. You're not. You're just doing something different.

inthegutter · 04/12/2007 16:55

Sorry, meant 'intensely DISlike' of course!!!

LilianGish · 04/12/2007 17:43

Anna, I know those women! The most common question when pushing my new born daughter round the streets of Paris was "Is she yours?" it was so unthinkable to most people there that I would be looking after my own baby. Interestingly most of the nou nous I met in the various parks and playgrounds were working to send money home to their own children in the former French dependencies (not sure who was looking after them) - it always seemed a bit of a sad state of affairs to me. Xenia, it is possible to be fulfilled without having a job and without being absolutely loaded. SAHM does not equal domestic drudge. How many people, in all honesty, if they were told they only had another year to live would opt to put in extra hours at the office? Change the record - great that you enjoy your job and I'm so pleased it spared you the tedium of spending time with your children, but can't you just accept some people actually enjoy being with theirs? And if you've started to identify with Ruby Wax you probably need to get the number of her shrink.

inthegutter · 04/12/2007 18:22

Lilian, I take your point, but I always think that old saying about 'if you only had another year to live, you spend it in the office' is a little unfair. No, I wouldn't choose to spend it at work, but neither would I choose to spend it at home doing the everyday chores of housework, washing etc. Ideally I would want to travel around with my family, see lots of exciting places, experience new things, meet new people and so on. You're talking about an extreme situation. As far as everyday life is concerned, many people find fulfilment in a range of activies including spending time with their family and spending time outside their home in the world of work. I am a teacher, and I can assure you I may not be loaded, but I certainly have a lot of fun, intellectual stimulation and independence.

LilianGish · 04/12/2007 18:28

Inthegutter, I agree. I was giving an extreme scenario because Xenia always has such an extreme point of view!

mrsruffallo · 04/12/2007 18:33

I am a sahm and I hardly do any housework! We just go out all day and have fun.
Take a step back, everyone. This is what every post by Xenia does- stirs people up so you all feel like you have to defend your choices. Well, you don't.
Have fun, enjoy life and love whatever you do.

Swipe left for the next trending thread