any working mums wish they could be at home fulltime

[robinredbreast]

?

I am wrestling with this right now. Went back full time when DS1 was 6 months, hating leaving him but it got easier, then got pregnant with DS2 and couldn't WAIT to leave.

Have now had 16 months at home with the pair of them. Have really really enjoyed the time, but now have an interview on Weds for a three day a week job, back in the corporate world earning money again, and although have huge trepidation, am actually really excited.

I have thrown my heart and soul into the being the best SAHM I can possibly be and TBH I think I've done a bloody good job! We are out all the time, and when in do cooking, painting, dancing, playing, all the good stuff. My boys are very happy little people and they make me very happy, and I will miss them like crazy if I get this job, but I feel like it's time....the last month or so I just haven't got the satisfaction out of the things I was getting satisfaction out of, and have felt there was something else I needed to do as well.

Let's see if it was work...

I'm on maternity leave after my second child, and am dreading going back, but have to for financial reasons.

I would deffo be a SAHM if I could.

Things were chaotic enough at home after DD1, can't imagine how I'm going to cope quite honestly.

My own mum was always desperate not to be seen as just a mum. So she took a degree, wrote, did some teaching here and there, etc etc.

I don't think our generation has that desperate urge to "prove" themselves.

would definitely be SAHM if circumstances allowed.

This is a current issue for me, having just gone back to work this week after 7 months at home on maternity leave. I adore being with DS and would definitely choose to stay at home - IF that happened to be an option, which it isn't unfortunately.

It does anger me that our generation is so dependent on more than one income - my own mum was a SAHM and she loved every minute of it. I never thought I would want to be a SAHM as I used to enjoy my job, but having DS has put things into perspective and now work just doesn't seem important. As far as I see it, my job is to be with my baby boy and that's where I want to be.

Wednesday, when I went back to work, was awful. I had a nightmare journey home when all I'd wanted was to get home for my baby's bath and bed routine. I just made it but it was a huge rush and I spent the whole evening in tears, trying to find a way I could stay at home, even if it meant us living on baked beans for the next year! But we've looked at the figures every way possible and we really can't manage without my income.

I'm lucky (I suppose) in that DS is being looked after by DH on Wednesdays (he is working from home a day a week) and by my mum on Thursdays and Fridays, so it's not as though I have to leave him in a nursery. I'm only part-time, 3 days per week, so it could be worse. I just hope it gets easier because at the moment, it's killing me.

No way. I work part time and I love it, I gave it up and tried being a SAHM and absolutely hated it.

I would be lying in a way if I said I didn't enjoy my work a little bit . But still it's more like a consolation iykwim?

But I think in a way, successfully going back to work is also related to how much your brains have turned to fudge by the whole experience is it not? I was utterly useless when I first went back (not sure I've really improved) luckily surrounded by understanding parents!

I shouldn't admit but the whole parenting thing for me is taxing enough >

RRB we are kindred spirits! You voiced the politicy bits I was too chicken to say!

and moneybagsmum - I'm unashamedly gushing ! In a nice way x

Wow - a thread about working vs SAHMs without a row!

It's very interesting to read. I'm going back to work next week when my DS will be 7 months. I'll be doing 3 days a week until the end of the year then going back full time. Right now, I'm looking forward to doing something to stimulate my brain - I'll be going into a new role and I have a really interesting project to work on. BUT I'm really not sure how I'm going to cope with working full time in the new year.

If I absolutely hate it, I am seriously considering selling up and getting out of London so that I can go part time. But I might love it. Who knows?

I'm a sahm now, i went back to work for a bit but just couldn't juggle the whole house, kids, dh and work! Hats off to all you that can do it all. I do think that if you've got parents or a parent that give their children love and attention then it doesn't matter whether they work or not.
I guess it comes down to money and personal preference.

Absolutely!! Spent 4 yrs at home with kids, dd wanted to go to nursery like her brother but was too young, so to pay for private nursery/preschool sessions, I had to get a job.
Had a nightmare finding work as no one would employ me as had kids/out of work too long (even though I'd done voluntary work), ended up with 2 jobs that wore me out cycling between both, dropping off/picking up kids etc. Had to drop dd off at 7.15am half asleep, barely saw them at night as too tired.
Fell out with my mother as she "disapproved" of me working, as she never did.
Left both jobs to do one job 9-5 mon-fri so couldn't take ds to school/pick up. Woman I had thought was my "friend" in the playground lost her pt job and said "oh well, we don't need the money, i don't need to work", made me feel guilty about working and said I should be taking my kids to school/shouldn't be working etc. Just changed starting time at work to take ds to school again, just so at least I can have a bit of involvement in his life - my "friend" only speaks to me when it suits her/no one else there, and makes constant nasty comments to me/others about working mums.
I don't get in until half 6 now, and dd is falling asleep, ds refuses to go to bed at 7-7.30 as he wants to play with his toys - understandable as he's been out all day. Result - he refuses to get ready in the mornings, so it is constant stress and worry of being late for school/work.
DP constantly screamed how useless/lazy i was staying at home "doing nothing, not contributing financially" etc. He doesn't help with housework - says it's "my job as I do nothing else" etc. He works 5 hrs a week more than me but drives. I don't so have to walk/cycle which takes nearly as long added up - in all weathers. I am at the end of my tether. My job isn't exciting anymore - I just endure it, thinking how much washing etc needs doing at home, so can't concentrate. I stay on here till stupid hours as I can't sleep and it's the only escape / "me time" I have - then I can't sleep in at weekends to catch up as the kids are up at dawn playing so I have to get up and look after them. So I am tired and stressed and trying to do everything - when really I should be sat playing with the kids.
Now he is screaming at me that I only take ds because I "have to", my job is crap and we have no money because of childcare and me spending money on lunch at £2.50 pd (take my own most days). If I stay at home, we have less money (can't afford to pay bills now), I lose "my" income and have to "beg" dp for money and justify every penny.
And it will be back to "I'm lazy" - but hey, my "friend" would want to speak to me again!! (not that I'd want to after what she said)

No answer to my situation is there?? Damned if I work, damned if I don't.

I want my own business, but have no money for start up costs/can't get grants/loans etc - also would have zilch support and end up working more hours than now probably!!

Sorry about long post, but at least I know I'm not the only one feeling crap at going out to work! Hope no one recognises me from RL by me posting this either!!

Off to get 4 hrs sleep now if I'm lucky!!

Oh yeah, despite posting all that, forgot to mention that when I had one part time job my hours were fixed at 1-4.30 and boss wouldn't change them (no reason they couldn't have done, but they were horrible anyway). so I had to leave home at 12, drop off dd, pick up at about 5.15. But I had to pay for full afternoon session, plus from 12-1. So childcare cost me more than my wages. Got some tax credits to help, but this year I wouldn't have done, so I would have paid to go to work p/t!!

I am at home with 4 month old baby now, and Im loving it. I would be very happy to not go back to work, I am having a great time with her, and she is so tiny, how can I send her off somewhere. Its a massive issue for me, I dont have any maternity pay cos was self employed and emigrated here before having DD, so if I go back I would be trying to learn the ropes in a new country where everything is done differently, in a new work environment....not the same as just going back to a job where you have been for a few years and you know all your colleagues etc. Also, I feel defeatist about it as cant get maternity pay in the future in my sector - so its almost like...whats the point in going back and giving us all an awful few months when with any luck will be up the duff again and again in the next few years....i would like 4 kids...DH recently started his own business, his salary is low now but hopefully will go up.....but having done the sums again last weekend...things are not looking good, we really cant manage to save, even for our tax bills, never mind for a housing deposit. So I will probably have to start thinking very soon about how to get back into it. And the thing is, I really dont like my job, am not cut out for it, and have always found it hideously stressful. But it pays well.

But you know what? Yes, its true that these days I think you have to have two incomes to survive. But then again, my MIL was a SAHM, and she is forever telling me to cut the feet of DD's babygros when they get too small........I mean, in her day, money was tight and there was no shame in advertising that fact, everyone was in the same boat.But now, I can only imagine the gossip if I cut the feet off babygros! Its like we HAVE to maintain this standard, keeping up appearances, seeming prosperous enough, its ok to say, oh, we cant go skiing because of money, but the more everyday luxuries, trips to the pub in the evenings, sandwiches from service stations instead of packed lunches, new baby furniture things, as opposed to second hand...lattes and cake on a day out .....I think me and DH have gotten so used to that stuff we dont realise that it is a luxury.

Some friends here have rotten lives right now working, transporting, splitting the week and weekend between themselves for child care....but those very people seem to be forever jetting off here and there on minibreaks...and I feel that they are thinking 'oh, poor man', on the fact that me and DH cant afford holidays, I feel they are thinking my DH has landed himself with a right lazy cow who isnt prepared to bring home the luxurious bacon. Paranoid probably. But a day out with a friend last week brought it all home, she led us into a cafe that was bloody expensive, only when I sat down and read the menu did I realise how pricey it was, and after having half the room moved around to fit our prams in I could hardly leave, anyway, she is sitting telling me that she has to go back to work when her baby is six months old, because they cant afford not to, and she's sitting ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, with her bugaboo pram perched next to her, while giving me mini-reviews of every restauarant in the area....why are people being so stupid?

I probably will have to go back to work. It makes me cross because to be honest it feels like I would be prepared to be an ultra cheapskate for years in order to buy time at home. But then again, we do like the little things, weekends away every now and then,....they are little things really so why are they so expensive? But if being tight was only a little more widespread and evident, and everyone was cutting the feet off their babygros, then life might just be a bit easier....

Although I wonder if babygros are cheaper now than 30 years ago....not a nice thought cos we all know why that would be.

Its the same with house prices though really. If a few more people had been smart enough to say...what, pay that much, and work that may hours between us, no I dont think so, we'll just keep on renting and ignoring the colour of the sofa....the prices wouldnt have escalated to this degree. But its just such a sign of not coping now, to not have a mortgage. Oh it makes me cross.

i love working, wee one FT nursery and loves it. so i would not want to be at home full time.i love my job, the responsibility, adult contact and stimulation. i never considered being a SAHM - did not want to. no regrets either

o and i have a bugaboo too, but that isnt main reason i work

i think it depends on the job.
i am very fortunate that i love my job, always have, and i think i always will. i love the stimulation, the people i work with, etc and again very fortunate, that it pays well. i don't think of it as something that takes me away from my family - in fact, i think of it as something quite empowering - it gives me a sense of self fulfillment, a way to help raise our standard of living, etc etc.
would i like to have a bit more time at home - yes probably - in a couple of years, i might ask for more flexible working - ask to do 4 day equivalent - but not full 4 days but go in everyday but leave at 3pm everyday so i can be there after school. DH and I take our full 5 weeks holidays with the kids every year (we sometimes buy 1 additional week) and hardly do anything not including the kids in the weekend (if we do, it's to go out at night just the two of us when the kids are in bed)
if i won the lottery would i quit work? yes, but would still do something at home related to what i do.
if the job was simply to put money on the table, then yes, quite frankly, I'm sure i would rather be at home.

I've worked part-time 3 days a week since ds1 was 7 months old. At the start I couldn't wait to get back to work because I was brain dead and stifled by being at home all day. He is now 6 and has a 3 yr old brother. Work has never been as much fun since I had kids and now I think I could handle the SAHM thing much better but when they were tiny i couldn't. I like the thought of being financially independent - I grew up with feminist ideals - but there are definitely attractions to giving up the rat race.

Oh its fab to see this thread is still going. Charlene1 and daydreamer my heart goes out to you, I'll say again I wish I had an answer. I only work part time and thats not really because I can afford to, but because I simpy can't work full time, I would go bananas.

Gawd knows what will happen when it gets to pension time but I'm truly living on a "you can't take it with you when you go" and a "they're only this young once" kind of mentality. Not sure if it's really to be advised. I'll tell you in about 44 years time!

RRB if you're still checking in on this one - hows it going? Has any of this helped with your decision? I spotted a great thread the other day in the employment topic about someone who was worried that her DP wanted to downgrade and become a paramedic, it would mean a big change in their existance. Sorry utterly rubbish at links but do have a look it was really moving - there may be something there that may help discussions with your hub

No. I would be a very unhappy SAHM, like my mother was. I really like my work.

hi webdiva r u about?

i had no idea this thread was still going ! actually i spoke to dh several times about this,and he cert knows that i really dont want to go back,i met up with a friend from work on friday and when dh got home i was in tears saying i really dont want to go back
id even consider spliting with him if he tried to force me!!![dont know if i truely feel that way or sometimes just think thats what i think ]iyswim

cant quite believe the strength of my feelings on this subject, and as im not due back till june/july 08 because i dont 100% know whats happening its making me feel quite unsettled

suppose the i worry that if i want to geta job in the future it would be hard to get one with this pay and benefits etc
but im also of the school of enjoy them when there young and you cant take it with you when you die

i wish i could just hand my notice in and then the decsion would be made but benefit wise i cant do that till may/june next year

Hi rrb
Sorry to hear you're still struggling with this. But I guess June/July 08 is a little way away yet, it sounds to me like there's a bit of time yet, to come to an amicable agreement? ( I too had all thoughts cross my mind and was really quite shocked at the strength of my feelings - hence comtemplating a mobile home!!)

I know what it's like though, the worry and anticipation of it. During my 6 months off I can honestly say I really regret letting the thought of work really spoil my last three months at home, so my best advice is to try really hard to make as much of the time you know you've got, and to coin a Howard Jones phrase, the future will take care of itself somehow (now I'm showing my age!!).

Is there a deadline that the decision will really need to be made by? Perhaps you both need a bit of time, a cooling off period? and to agree to differ for the time being, so that you can enjoy the security of your time with LOs.

As far as getting another good job in the future, I think it is possible to pick up career trails again, it just maybe you have to back track a little, and put in some extra to get back where you were. It may be that there won't be a problem at all. I seem to have been able to pick up just about where I left off, although it didn't feel like it at the time. TBH, I found it quite appealing to plateau for a little while, while I made the transition, before things really to start progressing again, which they now have.

Is there anything you can do from home as a compromise - I metsomeone a little while ago that turned her hand to making belgian chocolates - how fantastic is that! Though I think there'd be a danger to me eating all the profits

I think with all careers it's a measure of how happy and successful you feel in the way you live your life. It's about looking back with no regrets ((((hugs)))))

BTW I just told my DP that I couldn't work full time. I didn't blame him because he does everything he can and I know he would suport me in staying home if it was possible. But I didn't do any hard and fast sums just blindly tried to do the best I could to bring some money in working no more that 3 days. Wholey irresponsible and probably REALLY not to be advised but was my only way through that I could see without losing the plot entirely, and end up being signed off from stress.

It seems to have worked though. I think I ended up adopting a budhist style philosophy, in putting faith in your best efforts to live life and contribute to the world, and having some trust in the world to look after me and my family

sometimes.

i went back to work ft when dd was 8 months.
dh and i had just split up and it was that or go on benefits.
it exhausted me but i managed to do it until may.
i now work 25 hours a week, over 4 days. much more managable and i quite like it.
some times i would like to be at home with dd all the time, and other days i really like going off to work. i think ive pretty much got the right balance for us.
Dh and i are now back togther and im hoping to give up work and have another baby in 08.

Interesting thread and all the better as it hasnt turned into WW3! I have a 2year old daughter and work 3 days per week. I am pregnant with num 2 and DH said to me tonight he didnt think I would return to work. Previously I would have replied with my well versed speech about long term finiancial security, not being ablt to get back into my field if I took too long out, being a good example to the DCs etc. But I actually thought what a good idea. Because its all hunkey dorey until soomething comes up like the kids being ill. . For exmaple, I have strict targets and a deadline to meet today. DD up all night complaining of earache. I have had to take a days annual leave at short notice to look after her. Every time she is ill its me that takes the day off because: No family nearby, DH has a more demanding job that means he cant take this time off and I have more leave than him per year. All fine except I have a fairly demanding job myself and are rapidly runing out of leave. Work are reasonably accomodating and I enjoy what I do (mostly) but since returning from mat leave last year I dont feel as fulfilled and see little opportunity to climb the career ladder now that I am part time, etc. Just seems easier for one of us to be working an d the other doing the child care when there is no one else to help. I just keep thinking it will get worse when we have 2. Only downside is that we could cope on DHs money but we wouldnt have any extras. Its not that I want to keep up with the Jones's exactly nut I would like a holiday to look forward to and to be able to afford new clothes occassionally and that would be really tricky on just one salary.

Micegg I can really relate to the dilemma over sick LOs. I don't think we're alone in feeling so torn in loyalties all the time. It's really getting to me today. Have got my monthlies too and that's not helping but the feeling overwhelms me at times. It's like I can't do either job well.

I too am in the situation where it's me that has to do all the juggling, otherwise we'd go under if DP took time off.

If it's any consolation I can't afford any extras and that's with me working! But it's still abslolutely better than knowing I'd only be around to focus on DS at weekends.

I do sometimes really wonder if I'm any use to the working world....here in body but not in spirit half the time, and a miserable grumpy old cow to boot. I so need to get a grip!

in the holidays i do, and the nice weather,,,
but, on the other hand, i like a break from it..