I’m a career coach for women changing direction AMA

[Angliski]

Hello

I’m a career coach with 15 years experience of heaping women find the right rile and change direction. I also have a newborn cluster feeding so am pretty bored. Ask me anything!

angliski thank you SO much. Thank you for taking the time to help (me and others). I did do a year long career personal development course before I got the promotion and your kind and sage words have really reminded me that I should revisit this to check my priorities and talk to others. Mentoring is also something i think I would benefit from. I guess at the moment I worry I’d just end up looking in professional and whinging and in tears. But I guess mentoring is about understanding the issues and looking for what you can do - so framing it in what I can control. Thank you again - your advice has really, really been so helpful. (And I’ve bought your book so I can read some more!) xx

unprofessional

Folks - i just thought, i am running a class this morning called CV vs Cv - it's free to join and starts at 11.

event.webinarjam.com/register/64/pyr6mfm9

What's behind the inertia?

I think partly the pandemic complicating things, making it more practically difficult to experiment/ explore new things.

Partly an anxiety that if I spend too long trying to make the decision I won't make any change and will be stuck forever. That things will keep coming up to delay me.

Partly I guess fear as it's scary trying something new and important and maybe not succeeding.

Hi @Angliski thank you so much for this thread. I'll try and keep it brief.

SAHM for 15 years with a variety of volunteer work to my name. I was working in Media but don't want to go back into that. Am considering doing an MA (evening course) in a field I am interested in. Have just seen the 'perfect' accompanying job locally, part time, in the same field in their admin department (maternity cover). My initial reaction was that I should go for it despite having a limited amount of direct experience in the field but in a different setting, it's an admin job after all and I've done plenty of admin. However I am woefully out of date in Microsoft office and they are asking for 'proficiency'. I have Office 365 on my home computer (never use it) and have just started going through the packages using the help functions and some online tutorials. I think I'd be ok with Word and just about with PP but excel (barely used previously) seems like a mountain. The application deadline is in two weeks so interview probably in 3 if I'm lucky enough. I can keep plugging away in the hope that I pass any proficiency tests (what will I be asked to do?) but I am wondering if I should let this pass by, do the MA and brush up my tech skills properly.

I'm also struggling with earning a pittance for what could be a very demanding job (I hear that employers expect the earth from junior positions these days) although that's a short term view.

What do you think?

@WerkHorse, admin jobs are normally overrun with candidates and there will probably be a high proportion that will tick all the boxes and have recent experience of doing the same type of job.

Apply by all means but look at other options.

wow OP you are a star. I'll keep following this thread.
I'm an INTJ, used to work in finance before having a baby (now 18 months old). I thought I'd go back to continue my career after maternity leave but husband got relocated to a foreign country when the baby was only 3 months old, so we moved, and I don't speak the local language at all.

I regularly check Linkedin Job and see if there's any part-time English speaking job in my field, but the searching result often returns with a big fat 0. At the same time, the thought of going to work full time and leave baby to surrogate mom for 8-10 hours per day hurts me deeply. I was anxious and angry at the beginning, at the situation, at husband, at myself. Now I'm kinda more relaxed (or defeated I don't know), and think perhaps it is a rare opportunity for personal growth, to practice being a good mom. I absolutely adore spending time with my girl, but every night after she's asleep, I often ask myself 'is this it then?'

I don't even know what my questions is, other than I don't know what to do with my life any more.

@Angliski

Thank you so much for this AMA, it's so generous of you to share you're expertise freely like this!

I was reading purely out of interest and then suddenly realised that I have a question I hope you might be able to help me with?

When I return to work, probably next year, I shall be doing so after a >2.5 year career break and I'm unsure how best to frame it to potential employers. Is there any advice you can give me please?

I left my last role to focus on a course of study entirely unrelated to my career, just for interest. I dont have a problem telling employers this, as I've not had a career break before. It was meant to be just for a year. However , it coincided with a serious case of burnout and so became extended so I could recover.

I will be seeking some form of part time work to ease myself back in and also plan to undertake professional qualifications to prove my continued commitment but I'm still concerned that a 2.5-3year career break will be hard to explain away- especially now that the market has flooded! I don't wish to disclose that I've had some health issues (not that I intend to lie, either!)...

Do you have any advice, please, on how else I can positively frame this career break in, what is now going to be, an even more competitive market?

@TaraR2020what prevents you from telling the truth - that you pursued an area of interest and it became further study, which you really enjoyed and are now ready to return to the WoW?I always find that honesty works best - you don't need to say everything - for example you want to keep your health issues private and that's fine. But you can still just share what you shared above and also tell them what the study taught you - even if the subject isn't directly relevant, you learned a lot from going back to education.... and it shows you are unafraid to keep learning new things and stay fresh.

Do you know what work you are looking for? That is an important part of the story puzzle.

@Bubu222 Here's my advice. Do being you. Do what feels like the right decision in your heart. I have an 8 month old so I can relate - I don't like leaving him for long periods of the day, even with his amazing dad because it hurts my heart (I co-parent with a very flexible papa/husband and could never do what I do without him). And I work from home! So most of the time the leaving is going into another room! Having said that, when I get to working I do enjoy it - and I love my job, which helps!

And this was not without consequence - I had to cut maternity short due to lockdown and worked like a beastie during that time to keep us all employed - the downside has meant that I stopped breastfeeding much earlier than I would have liked as he got intimate with the bottle and the convince/viewpoint he gets, which I feel a bit sad about. So everything has its ups and downs, even very flexible work.

And those friends who do not work at all have their own inconveniences and confidence knocks from that road. I do think mama guilt is somewhat inescapable but one should be able to design a life that is endurable/juggled/enjoyable, assuming the right support is in place. I know that isn't the case for everyone at all.

Would it be possible/interesting for you to find a flexible home-working opportunity? With the likelihood that we have a couple more years of distancing, this is a great time for companies to make leaps in their comprehension that not everyone needs to be in the office - and I do believe there is still a place for in-person office life for a variety of reasons.... but there is also a chance to get a good role that works from home... have you looked into this?

@WerkHorse sorry I know this is a bit too late. I wouldn't undersell yourself. Apply at your level, brush up your skills, know what you want and why and be determined. Keep taking action.

I hate powerpoint and excel but have learned to be proficient relatively quickly. But don't do junior admin if you can do more enjoyable work would be my view.

Turns out according to guidelines I can't tell you I am running a free online class tomorrow on career planning. So this is me not telling you that.

PM me if the link would be useful.

@Angliski thank you :) Always guilty of overthinking things!

What a wonderful thread! I've read it from start to finish and wanted to start by saying a massive thank you to @Angliski for all these snippets and words of wisdom.

Right, a bit of background to my question. Apologies in advance for the essay.

Context - I've just recently left a "successful" career for over 20 years after qualifiying initially as an accountant. The interesting thing to note about those 20 years is how frequently I got bored in a job and had to try something different. I moved through almost every finance role, from technical to strategy, then into contract management, then into commissioning, which I thought might offer more scope for problem solving, design and creativity. Sometimes I moved slightly sideways but gradually built up my salary. If I'm honest, I tended to move on if the stress got too suffocating, and not sure I ever reached a "comfort zone".

My last role was an Exec Director, covering my SME of contracting, plus commissioning. I had built experience towards it in a very tough environment for four to five years and so I felt "Finally, I've arrived".

I threw myself into the role with great enthusiasm and commitment. Sadly I came up against problems. Cut a long story short, after some shocking undermining and bullying by my line manager, I ended up on sick leave and then out. Whether there was genuine under-performance there is unclear to me. I delivered everything that they threw at me in terms of targets, but when they continuously moved the goalposts I felt it might be more personal than performance.

So I left, started my MBA, and am now three modules in, flying through it, I love it. I'd intended having a short break then going back into a job about now, having got into the rhythm of study. So far, having read this far on paper, you might think "What is your problem then?"

My close family all feel that my "successful" career has only been achieved at great cost to my mental and physical health (I do have a track record of regular illness caused by burnout). They want me to slow down and get something less stressful.

In contrast I still have this fierce work ethic / achievement focus that keeps driving me forward to want to reach higher. I'm only 47. I'm not "done" yet, I feel I've got more to give. I don't want to get off the career conveyer belt if it means I'll never get back on.

But unfortunately, I've lost confidence after that final experience. The cruel words from this woman - horrific in retrospect - always on a one to one - keep resonating round my head.

Two weeks ago I found a perfect job on paper, local etc. But it was on more money than my last role, and deep down I felt "If I couldn't handle the last job, is it sensible to take on something even more senior?"

I'm stuck in indecision. I am genuinely confused about what I want, what I'm good at, and what I want to do next.

Sorry to ramble...... Where do I start trying to get answers?

Hello @anon666 - good on you for pursuing your education with relish - sounds to me like there a few things going on here.

1. You’ve had a horrible knock to your confidence by a sucky manager. The only way to recover from this is to have experiences that counteract that one and to choose to focus on the controllable. I am sorry you had that experience. I had someone in a leadership position pull that weird shit on me once or twice, always when In observed. It does play on you. Try not to let it. It’s their stuff. Let them keep it.

1. You are a hell for Leather and Burn out. What makes you feel you have to go that extra mile relentlessly? You are evidently bright and love to learn and grow. Where did you pick up that to do so means breaking your body and mind along the way? Could it be an option to explore new boundaries and ways of working with yourself that are more holistic and sustainable? Perhaps look up the en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperthymic_temperament

Is that you? Those of us who cycle our energies get an enormous amount done but need help moderating and having down time.

1. Culture is all. Seniority And salary and new experiences are of less concern to me Than making sure you are in a supportive culture in which to perform at your best. How might you suss this company our before applying?

Sorry for random capital letters. Stupid phone.

Very interesting @Angliski and very perceptive. Wow, you are good!

Yes I think you've got the nail on the head with the hyperthymic temperament. I do go hell for leather and then run out of energy.

Also criticism seems to send me into a tailspin, where I work harder and harder till I can't do any more.

One of the only bits of useful feedback from my last job was that I needed to get a better life-work balance.

The seniority of job isn't the problem, I am. I've worked tirelessly and relentlessly at any level, from office temp to Exec Director.

The simple reason I do it is that I feel I can never get the work done otherwise. Any job immediately makes me feel overloaded, I don't think I've ever learned how to set boundaries or accept limitations.

Part of that must be learning to adequately hold people who work for me to account. My husband reckons I come across as very enthusiastic but not hard-nosed, and maybe at times a bit nervous.

I've had some incredibly loyal and hardworking staff, but I think I've also been manipulated by some real work dodgers as well - always older males.

Is there anything I can do to learn how to pace myself?

I totally hear you on the male work dodgers. I’ve experienced the same. Hmmm.

Here’s the thing. If you work at 150% and burn yourself out... what happens if instead you work at 80% and stay fresh? Are you sure anyone would notice the missing 70%?

For example, I used to write up a detailed report of every session on a fancy slide deck for clients. Took me hours. They didn’t really need it. I stopped. No one noticed.

Second, who are you trying to prove yourself to? Who is the voice in your head that says faster, harder? As women we aren’t really built for the expenditure of testosterone required to maintain alpha male frenzy. This is part of the reason we see less Representation of women at senior levels- yes, there is systemic bias and yes, women need to embrace their abilities but I still feel the fundamental issue is that most workplaces were built by men, for men. And w edit always want that gig.

So for me your issue is probably partly you over extending and partly about finding the right work environment in which you can thrive. Can you imagine and environment in which you could pace yourself and relax? What would it’s qualities and culture be?

Any advice for a teacher who is reaching breaking point?

I had a corporate career years ago before training.

@GuyFawkesDay say some more?

Any advice for someone who's always worked in construction and property? Really want to retrain and have been considering conveyancing. Is it possible/realistic to do this part time? Worth it at my age (42)?

@anon666, I could have written your posts! I have been nowhere near as successful as you but getting bored quickly, moving around a lot (especially if it was too stressful), going over and above, crashing and burning are all things I've been guilty of.

I've been testing other options over the last year or so. These have included focusing on the culture and environment rather than the salary/position itself. Life has been easier and I feel like I've had more recognition for what I'm doing than I had in my previous career.

Do you do anything outside work? When I wound up in a busy job I always focused my efforts on that to the detriment of everything else. I just felt like I didn't have the energy to much else! I'm trying to change that at the moment....

@dooratheexplorer

Wow, there are at least two of us!! It's always a relief to know you're not alone. 😁

I think it's only having this break that has enabled me to slow down and realise it doesn't have to be like that.

I think culture is important. I will try to find something where working at full pelt isn't the be-all and end-all.

The holy grail.

@scrunchoutthecrunch it is always worth starting something new if it will give you pleasure and you have the space and time to commit to doing it well. Conveyancing could be a good complement to property/construction portfolio- so think about it as an addition to your toolkit- more as AND rather than or.

@dooratheexplorer @anon666 what you’ve both said completely resonates with me as well. I’ve been at the same company for 11 years - it’s a great place, fabulous people and interesting work - but the culture of my department is to work at a million miles an hour, we’re sales driven so it never stops, and it really exacerbates my workaholic tendencies. I go through cycles of thinking it’s unsustainable, I need to make a change, life feels like a relentless unfinished to do list - but then not doing anything different. Lockdown and my maternity leave (with third baby) have made me realise how crazy the pace has got. It’s not as if I’m earning mega bucks either! I don’t know whether it’s my mindset I need to tackle or if I really need a shift in my role. @Angliski do you have any thoughts on this?