Dress down - Character Assassination

[GruffyLove]

So last week my boss who works remote to me came to my local office.

We get on really well on a personal level. I work in Sales and I'm pretty new to the business and joined in January. I'm above target, performing well sales wise and there is a pipeline.

However I work remotely to my team.

He basically came to the office and performed a complete character assassination - or breakdown of me as a person. Describing me as lacking self worth, self confidence, how I constantly seek approval and need to be noticed. The words, descriptions and examples he gave came out of no where - he was ready with the tissues and he knew it would come from no where to me - his words. I don't want to go into detail on the examples but I did to my family and friends - and they said that I have no malice and couldn't see the 'neediness' in the examples provided.

He said I can do the job really well I just need to come in quietly and do it and go home. My concern is I've only ever downloaded on missing my kids to my PA and my boss brought up me being a successful part time mother but that people know that and I don't need to bring that up at work. All I said to my PA was that I miss my kids when I'm at work.

Advice I have received from family range from a close family member saying to me that in a corporate environment or in this particular organisation that for me to get on I'll need to change my ways.

I haven't gone into lots of details - but examples include me helping a colleague with something and then the incident came up in a conversation and I said I had helped my colleague - my boss said I didn't need to seek further approval by telling everyone that I had helped - people could see for themselves I had helped.

He called me desperate - said I needed to be more chilled and self assured.

He said that for me to get to the next stage to look towards promotion that I needed to change.

So I've taken away from this is that I'm needy, I lack self esteem and seek approval.

The words and examples used were not the kindest and I was a blubbering wreck.

I don't feel in a position to talk to him.

Other people/ old colleagues / friends have said I can't change who I am and perhaps culturally this isn't the right business for me.

I'm at a loss really. In my head I want to go in and change and make a go of it but I feel like I can't fundamentally change myself. I'm concerned I won't fit anywhere moving forward.

I feel like any self worth I have has been knocked.

I get the message and I know what he means but I'm afraid I can't change then I would have to leave - although that's the last thing he wants.

Thoughts please on how I can make this work and how I go back to him as it was literally left with me balling my eyes out and he had to get back to his office.

Just read update. So not you, him. He's a dick. Restore that self esteem, get angry, be smart, don't let him grind you down. Then leave ASAP.

He's really good at his job - well in sales not the management side! I can learn a lot from him and I have - it's the management side I can't handle.

He has a lot of power - not quite ultimate but there or there about.

I do feel a lot of this after speaking to a colleague just now - is him - and his views. She said she doubts very much anyone has been talking about me as there is simply nothing to say or complain about she said they all love me in the local office

Also, he is going to say he doesn't want you to leave, he is covering his arse.

I started at at job and I was the only one qualified at my role. All the other staff were laypersons doing a job that really needs a qualified person. I was taken on to manage and get the company running properly. Virtually all the work practices were terrible but relatively easily put right. As soon as I started putting everything right I was reprimanded. Staff were reported to be confused and upset and all sorts of shit oh but "we don't want you to leave". This went on for months until every tiny little change was met with me being taken into the office once more and the same mantra. I left. They were lying and the place is still terrible with terrible work practices, terrible staff turnover and terrible issues with public relations.

There's more to be learnt from him too, how not to be like him ever. Imagine being that insecure that you use your "power" to bring down the very people that are making you a success. Bonkers. A horrible position to be in, but at least you know you were doing all the right things and he is the one with all the issues.

Just be careful. You know someone else has fed back. You don't want this conversation twisted and relayed elsewhere.

Look for a new job.

I had a similar experience, awful, assassination, sobbing, wish now I had had the balls to pull them up on it.

He’s not really good at his job, as his job is management.

For me, a good manager is key. It’s more important to me than anything else. If I were you, I’d start actively looking elsewhere. Then I’d be equally blunt with him when I left.

Years ago I was a HR manager for a huge company. I had a large amount of people under me. Every 6 weeks the board would meet with all the HR managers, there was a thing called a hit list, so for whatever reason they the board or other management wanted someone out and not have any comeback regarding constructive dismissal, they made us do the sandwich feedback (praise, negatives, praise, negatives, praise). Always ending on praise. This was important especially when someone was good at their job/ met targets/ nothing we could discipline them on. This was because if they sued for constructive dismissal, we couldn't be held accountable as we recognised their good work and telling them we didn't want to loose them, and this would look like we didn't force them out ,so the court would see it as them leaving by their own choice.

I came upon other companies who had the same or very similar practices.

From what you have written, it sounds like he wants you out. For whatever reason.

Your PA has spoken about you. He had either asked her or she has told them.

You have 2 choices. Head held high, smile and pick 3 sentences to say ie that's great, fantastic, I'll do that no problem. Tell them nothing. If you want to vent send a text to yourself using your own phone, do not confide in anyone at work. Or look for a new job, you've alot of experience and will get another.

Thanks for advice.

He needs me financially so can't see why he wants me out - we're not big enough.

I know from him personally that no one in the local office has said a thing in fact he did say they are full of praise for me - but yes feels like sandwich and very much felt like I could take the entire thing as constructive dismissal.

Head down today I've been in since early.

I am not saying a thing until he contacts me - I've nothing to say. It's BAU for me.

Update - I'm still anxious but exhausted.

He called yesterday wanting to speak - basically saying I had been in his thoughts over the weekend. That from the bottom of his heart he doesn't want me to leave - that however the message was delivered it needed saying - he hopes I understand.

I was kind of lost for words and I just said I'm not going anywhere and I just want to get on with the day job. He said he could tell my words were tinged with sadness - I said I was hurt and disappointed but today (as in yesterday) in reality I want to get on with my job. He said he doesn't want me to disengage. I don't feel I can be myself anyway even after all his words because he's trying to change me fundamentally.

For example there is a team chat group and I haven't contributed as I don't know if what I say will be construed wrongly and used against me.

Shattered and demotivated and still got my headache.

Sounds like he is either regretting what he said (perhaps worried about what you do next) or playing with you. A PP who worked inHR said that they often deployed a tactic designed to get people to walk without any redress to constructive dismissal.

A mind fucker for sure.

Keep calm. Let him him hear icy calm in your voice rather than sadness. I bet he could not hear anything. Getting off on causing a woman a bit of pain.

You're manager sounds power happy bastard. Can you tell him you heard what his options are, but interestingly you've had feedback from your team and they're surprised and shocked as that's not what they think at all. Keep in on his toes you're onto his game. Stay strong I hate bullies.

Keep calm and don't let him play you.

Either he has realised he has overstepped the mark or he's trying to play games.

You're right to avoid group chats. I'd also avoid saying anything at work that can be misconstrued (I had a colleague who would fish for information and then selectively feed back information to managers, thankfully my manager knew it was bullshit).

If he comes back with any more attacks, follow it up with an email: "can I get some clarity please... You've said X Y Z. What practical next steps are you expecting to see?"

Also, if you're not in a union then join one because if it goes belly up and he tries to push you out then you at least have some support there. They won't work for you for situations before you join so don't leave it too late.

Thanks really struggling today - really struggling.

I need to be strong but I'm really hurt.

I don't want him to know I'm hurt. I don't want to make rash decisions either.

No union.

I don't think it's regret it's like he wants to see if I'm ok. I am feeling very confused.

I have this headache and exhaustion

You don't need a job that makes you this unsure and upset.
That doesn't mean you should grasp the first thing see you. But put your energy into finding something else.
You have no idea what the next issue from him will be but in the future I would expect there would be more.
Don't engage with group chat, talking to others has already been used against you.

This all sounds exhausting! Who has the time or inclination to talk to someone about their personality for 2.5 hours? Whose team says they all love someone? What a weird over-invested culture.

OP, if you are doing your job well presumably you would be employable somewhere else. Just grit your teeth for now, get looking, and leave this bunch of weirdos behind.

OP did you get a copy of this horrendous assassination? If not ask him for one as I'm assuming this might go on your file at work.

No I didn't and I don't know if he keeps a file as such it's a smallish organisation so they don't have HR.

I learnt about the cycle of abuse today so it'll be coming again soon. Exhausting

No union.

You do not have to have a union recognised in your workplace to join a union and have their support. It just means the union won't be involved in group pay negotiations and so on. I was very glad of my union membership last year when I was involved in a disciplinary (which was totally dropped.) My union rep wasn't a colleague, but came from the union offices somewhere.

The TUC website has a union-finder tool, so you can find the best suit for your industry.

I agree with EBear
Unions may not be recognised for group pay or strikes but they can still offer individual support.

You take your time to clear your head. If you work remotely then have as little to do with him as possible.

People can be arseholes OP.

And now he wants to take me for lunch

Say no.

He's a miserable manipulator who is getting off on his presumed power to mess with your head and your emotions. 'Your words were tinged with sadness'? Ugh.

Say no would be my advice too.

He's playing games.

I really hope things get better soon, the uncertainty must be deadly

I've got to keep it sweet I really do - I can't say no to him. It'll be another reason for him to kick off

I understand how powerless you (general you) feel when up against crap at wotk - I have been there, not with a boss or anything this extreme though - but you're not really powerless, only in this particular small universe.

I think it might be time for you to go off sick if you really feel you can't set any boundaries (and I don't mean that nastily at all). It's not OK for him to carry on like this. If his intentions are good, he will email or come to you and tell you sincerely and humbly that he is sorry for having upset you so much and rephrase any necessary criticism in constructive terms. No, he is getting off on his power.