Dress down - Character Assassination

[GruffyLove]

So last week my boss who works remote to me came to my local office.

We get on really well on a personal level. I work in Sales and I'm pretty new to the business and joined in January. I'm above target, performing well sales wise and there is a pipeline.

However I work remotely to my team.

He basically came to the office and performed a complete character assassination - or breakdown of me as a person. Describing me as lacking self worth, self confidence, how I constantly seek approval and need to be noticed. The words, descriptions and examples he gave came out of no where - he was ready with the tissues and he knew it would come from no where to me - his words. I don't want to go into detail on the examples but I did to my family and friends - and they said that I have no malice and couldn't see the 'neediness' in the examples provided.

He said I can do the job really well I just need to come in quietly and do it and go home. My concern is I've only ever downloaded on missing my kids to my PA and my boss brought up me being a successful part time mother but that people know that and I don't need to bring that up at work. All I said to my PA was that I miss my kids when I'm at work.

Advice I have received from family range from a close family member saying to me that in a corporate environment or in this particular organisation that for me to get on I'll need to change my ways.

I haven't gone into lots of details - but examples include me helping a colleague with something and then the incident came up in a conversation and I said I had helped my colleague - my boss said I didn't need to seek further approval by telling everyone that I had helped - people could see for themselves I had helped.

He called me desperate - said I needed to be more chilled and self assured.

He said that for me to get to the next stage to look towards promotion that I needed to change.

So I've taken away from this is that I'm needy, I lack self esteem and seek approval.

The words and examples used were not the kindest and I was a blubbering wreck.

I don't feel in a position to talk to him.

Other people/ old colleagues / friends have said I can't change who I am and perhaps culturally this isn't the right business for me.

I'm at a loss really. In my head I want to go in and change and make a go of it but I feel like I can't fundamentally change myself. I'm concerned I won't fit anywhere moving forward.

I feel like any self worth I have has been knocked.

I get the message and I know what he means but I'm afraid I can't change then I would have to leave - although that's the last thing he wants.

Thoughts please on how I can make this work and how I go back to him as it was literally left with me balling my eyes out and he had to get back to his office.

[HepzibahGreen]

OK. Think rationally. You are in SALES. You are selling lots...you are clearly an open and friendly person and your team probably like you...he wants you to come in quietly, do the job and go home...in sales??
Pmsl. Anyone who has ever been in sales knows that you can come to work with a parrot on your head and fart the national anthem if your numbers are good.
He's really fucking threatened by you. He came in with tissues!? Was that because he wanted to make you cry, or so he could go and have a wank over it afterwards?
Don't let him rattle you. He's a sneaky bullying sadist. Unfortunately you will need to start looking for a new job because you really don't want to work for him, but honestly, don't let him make you feel bad.

[BuildBuildings]

He sounds vile. Regardless if the things he said are accurate, it's unprofessional to just rip into you. I couldn't work with someone like this. I'd be really self conscious about every thing I did. Leave ASAP.

[CatteStreet]

'The last thing he would want is for me to leave - he sees me as an integral part of the future'

He's saying this so he can say of course he didn't drive you away, you just couldn't hack it. More gaslighting.

[pumkinspicetime]

Find another job ASAP.
For whatever reason this man chose to break you down.
Either because you are a bad fit organizationally or because he feels threatened by you.
Either way there will be companies that value your skills go and work for one of them before he destroys your self confidence.

[GruffyLove]

Thanks for your help everyone.

I know that he has been helpful to me in the past is very supportive of my part time working.

No particular trigger a number of things - I noticed he had been off with me for days.

He doesn't want me to leave he's told me that.

Also I feel he invested those 2.5 hours in me as in trying to explain his point. He also knows I'm an emotional person or at least he knew whatever he said to me I would cry.

Even if his point was not explained well - I have to think maybe I am attention seeking because I worry I'm part time? His views are I don't need to worry about this - I'm on target - yes in his head from my notes - I can see that everything he wants me to be isn't me so I don't know how I can fit the culture. It's not to change how I do my job in the actual sales but to change my demeanour - I deal with people high up at my clients and always been complimented (ironically by him) in my professionalism - at meetings we make a great team.

I'm exhausted and feel so so poorly. I don't want to leave as in my local office I've made good connections. But he's my manager/boss. I just don't think I'll ever be able to do right by him - because I am who I am.

If it's possible for me to put the words to one side then perhaps I can move on from this - but I'll always be second guessing myself. One point was if I talk about how I make things work with the children (only to one person so I know that person has fed back) and how I miss my children at work - and in his eyes I shouldn't talk about how I make things work with my kids - I should just get on with it as that's accommodated for with part time working - I wasn't complaining I think this person took offence to the fact I said that it was hard sometimes.

I know some places don't want people to talk about childcare or how they balance things so I was careful to only speak to this one person about it and only the once.

[Teacakeandalatte]

Get out of there and don't waste your time working for a company where you are not appreciated.

[BertyFlanter]

He carried on for 2.5 hours 😧! That's ridiculous, no way it was anything but a power trip. Any good manager would have let you compose yourself, not carry on. The bringing along tissues is also very telling (I agree double purpose, for the tears and his post bollocking wank 🤬)

I had a very similar situation and I also moved on to a new job. Best move I ever made. I still have friends there and he has never changed, only got worse.

[Sarcelle]

You cannot contort yourself to be something you are not. You could be the greatest contortionist in the world but it would never be enough for him. To sit somebody down for over 2 hours is so OTT its laughable. It would be more understandable if you were underperforming, but the fact that you are not makes this all the more bizarre. You should not try to please him, all it will do is destroy even more self esteem. You need to get out pronto.

I know this is leftfield, but could he fancy you? Some men get their jollies for bringing down women they fancy for unfathomable reasons.

[GruffyLove]

He's married and got kids - I don't think he fancies me. I can't see why he would fancy me and do this to me?

I know what you mean about contortionist - with Brexit coming up and working in sales possibly the worst time to move.

For now I need an income too.

Btw I've been on Mumsnet for years name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I am so nauseous at the thought of seeing him tomorrow. Even when I try and make it right in my head it's wrong - I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of the truth of what he's said. In some ways I'm genuinely frightened of him now as I don't know what's coming next.

[Canyousewcushions]

He sounds like a jealous bully who feels threatened by your success. His "feedback" sound totally unprofessional, overly personal and generally inappropriate.

If he's jealous it probably really grates on him when you do well which would be why he doesn't like you celebrating your successes in the same way others do. Certain it doesn't excuse his behaviour but could explain it a bit.

I'd be looking for another job and avoiding him as much as possible in the Interim.

[redexpat]

Yeah that wasnt a constructive performance review, that was bullying, and it was intentional.

Please show him how much more you are worth by getting another job where they appreciate and value you.

[GruffyLove]

Thanks for the advice - I am feeling so so poorly over this - I need to work out a plan.

[pumkinspicetime]

I think I would go with grey rock technique with this manager, neutral and not very engaged. If asked say you are working on advice they have given.
Don't talk to the person who talked about you.
Then start looking for another job.

[GruffyLove]

@pumkinspicetime I was just thinking the same.

I'm going to say I've taken it on board and processing it - then try get my actual job done!!!

I have had the most terrible headache since it all happened (I had Friday off as my non working day). So I'm shattered.

Bed for me now.

Thank you all.

[CatteStreet]

OP, the state you are in now is exactly what he wanted to achieve.

Can you, rather than flagellating and second-guessing yourself, find your anger (even if your behaviour was well out of line for the culture, which it doesn't sound as if it is - though your organisational culture sounds treacherous, frankly - nothing would have justified leaving you in that state, and any manager to do so is showing themselves a bad manager) and focus on not giving him the satisfaction? And on finding a new job.

[GruffyLove]

@CatteStreet thank you. This morning I've woken up and I still haven't shifted the headache which in itself is concerning.

I want to be angry and I want to hate him but I don't have the energy. Instead I think I feel sorry for him. In my head I'm going to get my job done being me - I'll try my best not to second guess myself. I've realised now I used to work for someone else like this years ago and it destroyed me - and now I realise it's a combination of things - I'm incredibly likeable, I connect with people easily, I'm well presented and liked by clients and colleagues. I'm also very very good at my job.

I will ride out Brexit and then consider my options - I have financial obligations and I don't want to just jump.

I need to shift this headache though.

[Echobelly]

Hope the headache goes away. I totally agree, don't get into second guessing yourself and worrying how things you say or do 'come over' to others, there's not really anything you can do about that. So the best thing is to focus on the work until you can see a way through. Good luck for today.

[CassianAndor]

I would guess he's trying to drive you out so he can replace you with someone in his office.

[GruffyLove]

Thanks @Echobelly not sure if I'm due a surprise visit today but I'm ready to grey stone - I've handled some bloody shit in my life what he doesn't realise is he's absolutely nothing to me/nor does he represent my strength - I have my mother to thank for that.

The way forward is out

[Greenglassteacup]

I would work towards not working there anymore OP, the man sounds like a complete prick. Take your skills elsewhere as soon as possible

[AJPTaylor]

Fuck that.
Start looking for a new job.

[EBearhug]

It sounds like this was a total surprise to you, which suggests it's not feedback you've had from anyone else. If he had examples, it also suggests he''s not been giving feedback and dealing with things as they happen, unless you just had a really bad week with all the things he complained about happening at once.

So if he's the only one giving you this feedback take it with a pinch of salt, especially as he came ready with a box of tissues - his objective for the meeting was to make you cry, not to have a productive meeting about where you are doing well and how you could be doing better. It doesn’t sound like his opinion is worth listening to.

However, while that's fine on a personal level, it sounds like he's got a lot of power over your role, so even if it's just his culture rather than the whole company culture, you can't really escape it. A different manager can make such a difference; I changed managers earlier this year through a departmental reorg - my job is essentially the same, but being treated like an adult and not micromanaging is such a breath of fresh air!

Is there any possibility for moves sideways in the same company? (With us, you have to be employed for at least a year to be allowed to apply internally, but that's not so far off for you now.) Otherwise, you do need to look outside.

Meanwhile, you need to develop a thick skin round him, because you are stuck with him for the time being. Take your feedback from other people. Grey rock him.

Do you know why your predecessor left? What do other people think about him? If this is how he operates, there will be a history of it.

[CiliatedEpithelium]

The statistics speak for themselves OP. You are good at your job. He is NOT good at his job and should be focussing his attention on the people that are giving these horrible reports about you. It is those that are poor at their job here. Your personality is perfect for sales. The statistics prove this. Move to a company that would appreciate you.

[GruffyLove]

I've spoken to someone in my local team this morning as they wanted to see how I was - they were all witness to my condition after the meeting but couldn't ask how I was (too afraid).

She confirmed to me it's why my predecessor left and it's why people can't work for him unless he can make you a mini version of him and control you. That he believes he and his team are a cut above the rest and there is no room for personal flair. That I am the first person they've felt comfortable with from that team and what makes me is my style and positive nature and I exude sales talent.

I gave her the examples and she said they're ludicrous she was in shock. She said I should consider moving teams.

I think I will probably leave at some point. For now I can cope with it but don't know for how long.

[Sarcelle]

Hope today goes well.

And the headache goes. It's a tension one of course, so you need to try and relax. Useless advice, but you are probably clenching everything because of stress.