Dress down - Character Assassination

[GruffyLove]

So last week my boss who works remote to me came to my local office.

We get on really well on a personal level. I work in Sales and I'm pretty new to the business and joined in January. I'm above target, performing well sales wise and there is a pipeline.

However I work remotely to my team.

He basically came to the office and performed a complete character assassination - or breakdown of me as a person. Describing me as lacking self worth, self confidence, how I constantly seek approval and need to be noticed. The words, descriptions and examples he gave came out of no where - he was ready with the tissues and he knew it would come from no where to me - his words. I don't want to go into detail on the examples but I did to my family and friends - and they said that I have no malice and couldn't see the 'neediness' in the examples provided.

He said I can do the job really well I just need to come in quietly and do it and go home. My concern is I've only ever downloaded on missing my kids to my PA and my boss brought up me being a successful part time mother but that people know that and I don't need to bring that up at work. All I said to my PA was that I miss my kids when I'm at work.

Advice I have received from family range from a close family member saying to me that in a corporate environment or in this particular organisation that for me to get on I'll need to change my ways.

I haven't gone into lots of details - but examples include me helping a colleague with something and then the incident came up in a conversation and I said I had helped my colleague - my boss said I didn't need to seek further approval by telling everyone that I had helped - people could see for themselves I had helped.

He called me desperate - said I needed to be more chilled and self assured.

He said that for me to get to the next stage to look towards promotion that I needed to change.

So I've taken away from this is that I'm needy, I lack self esteem and seek approval.

The words and examples used were not the kindest and I was a blubbering wreck.

I don't feel in a position to talk to him.

Other people/ old colleagues / friends have said I can't change who I am and perhaps culturally this isn't the right business for me.

I'm at a loss really. In my head I want to go in and change and make a go of it but I feel like I can't fundamentally change myself. I'm concerned I won't fit anywhere moving forward.

I feel like any self worth I have has been knocked.

I get the message and I know what he means but I'm afraid I can't change then I would have to leave - although that's the last thing he wants.

Thoughts please on how I can make this work and how I go back to him as it was literally left with me balling my eyes out and he had to get back to his office.

[missmopple]

I'd leave personally, I don't work for people like this

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Maybe read the OPs updates (this thread was started in 2019)

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

What a dreadful management style. To completely strip someone of their dignity and confidence like that.
All he needed was to give you the facts and tell you that in this office you don't do whatever you did and expect this, that and the other.
And then sweeten it with your good points. What a twat.
I'd leave personally, I don't work for people like this.

[Shwighty1]

So pleased you came back on to update! What a prick that guy is. You should absolutely email the ceo about it and urge them to investigate the true reasons with others who have left. I always ask at interviews what the turn over off staff is like at a job as it speaks volumes about the culture.

[Coffeeallday]

I’m with winkingprawn.

You need to find a work environment that largely fits your dynamic. I don’t think he’s a bully. You both clearly have completely different personalities and styles of working.

He’s tried to put his point across and it made you upset but it doesn’t mean that he wanted you to cry. We’re all different and we all react to things or express things differently. I don’t think it’s unfair of him to speak truthfully and I think you need to look at your strengths and weaknesses and use them to your advantage. Don’t let this knock your confidence.

Careers are all about growth and that’s what this is. You need to move on to your next venture. You both can’t work together because he’ll stifle your personality and you both deserve to be working with the right fit of people.

I agree with friends/families opinions very little when it comes to work. We’re all different at work than we are at home as it’s our professional life and the needs on us are different. Friends and family can never see it fairly from the employers view as they are never given that point of view.

You seem like a great person and somebody who really cares about their work. You’re going to do great x

[Ormally]

Life sounds much better, thank goodness for that! Not surprised at people being driven away.

About halfway through the thread I was going to recommend that you look into 360 degree feedback. There are tools that will build you a report, and they vary (if you want) as to what is important for your role. The idea is that you find 10-15 people who are either peers, managers, customers, etc. and they are sent an anonymous set of questions to give feedback on your various skills and work style. The one I use also ranks the responses against yours in a chart, which gives a sense of the top strengths and the most useful/important to improve. It gives much more rounded feedback than your description and from various people who are on the end of different areas of your role.

You could maybe still use this in your dealings with clients now if interested - various companies do free trials. Many are uncomfortable with it but most reports are both reasonable, not an assassination, and illuminating.

[GruffyLove]

Hi everyone just wanted to return with an update a few months on!! Well what a relief to get out of that place!! It turned out I was one of 6 people who handed my notice in the same week!!

They really kept mine under the radar in the end I had to call my colleagues to let them know.

I recently spoke to someone who had been in my team and left before me - he told me what a horrible bully my boss had been to him. Another ex colleague has just left too.

I went and did it / set up my own business launched in 2021 in the middle of home schooling but I’m smashing it!!! Really hope it keeps busy there is more work than I can take on - just need my clients to pay their invoices now!

[ChristopherTracy]

I might be tempted to put in a subject access request tbh just to see exactly what he wrote down - it might stop him bullying someone else to the same degree.

[GruffyLove]

Saying goodbye to all the other very lovely friends I have made is so hard!

[GruffyLove]

Thank everyone - I’ve not engaged with him on the why. I have with a couple of colleagues who have had similar experiences with him but not in any detail. They know what he’s about and actually congratulated me! he just makes it so hard for everyone - and he’ll just have to live with it. Thanks for the happy thoughts @Lardlizard and @cardswapping

[cardswapping]

Btw I am not a HR consultant, this is simply the procedure in all the places I have worked in. I have been in sales and in marketing.

[cardswapping]

Good luck for your future. I would not engage with your boss at to "Why".

You may want to tell HR if they have a formal debrief interview, but it should not be a conversation with him.

[Lardlizard]

Gruff you made the right choice 💪🏼 Your boss will be regretting the day he gave you that shit

Good luck and I have a feeling you will move onto something better
I feel it in my bones

[GruffyLove]

@Lardlizard I have a long track record in my career - it’s sales - I’ve brought in tens of thousands pounds of revenue in the last quarter of this year so I know even in a tough economy I’m a survivor. I do need a job for my sanity but financially I’m ok for now too.

Finally I need the head space to work out what’s right but I have other revenue stream possibilities. After this time I won’t be forced into anything - just pleased I’m out of this place soon!

[Lardlizard]

I’d start looking for a new job good luck op

[GruffyLove]

Thank you @BarbaraStripeshand I’ve got to get through the next 4 weeks but I handed my notice in now cos I knew I had the last two weeks off. I also know due to accrued leave they’ll ask me to take it (I hope) if not I will anyway and so basically I really don’t have much more time left.

He wants to know why but I know it’s not worth going into it - I have literally no time for him and no sympathy at all.

[BarbaraStripeshand]

@GruffyLove

I’m considering my options I could pick up the phone and go back to any one of my old employers but I’m never one to go back (for now)! I hope for 2021 I’ll be sorted though I’ve had a few head hunt calls this month.

Good for you.
I left a job in similar circumstances and can honestly say it's the best thing I ever did. I didn't realise until I actually stopped how much it had affected me and I ended up taking 12 months off to get my head back together. I then got a fantastic new job with a great boss and it made me question why I had put up with it for so long.
Just get through your notice period, walk out there and know that you've got better times ahead of you.

[GruffyLove]

I’m considering my options I could pick up the phone and go back to any one of my old employers but I’m never one to go back (for now)! I hope for 2021 I’ll be sorted though I’ve had a few head hunt calls this month.

[BarbaraStripeshand]

Wow, well done on handing your notice in @GruffyLove. You've definitely done the right thing. Have you got another job to go to?

[GruffyLove]

Hi guys hopefully I’ve namechanged back successfully as GruffyLove! If not it’s OP here!

Well after a period of furlough I went back to work and absolutely smashed it - billing well etc and then last week I handed in my notice.

I would say I’ve learned a lot about the job from my manager but I never let go of the above conversation. And it genuinely changed me as in I wasn’t able to be myself. But I found myself managing upwards - so knowing what was the right or not right thing to do/say so he didn’t blow up again.

Also I’ve supported other colleagues he’s started bullying and really helped them manage him too.

He took me handing in my notice really badly - totally flipped initially he said he was disappointed and upset then he got evil saying everything he had done for me and can’t believe how chilling I have been (handing in my notice) then he tried again to be emotional.

He’s now text me saying he wants to know the ‘why’ but I don’t really want it to get protracted and what’s the point he’s a Narc he won’t take on board me saying he’s a bully and controlling (not just to me but to others) he won’t change how he is. He thinks we are really good friends and really close! I’ve just had to exhaustingly play the game until I found myself in a position where I could move on.

[Pigletinblanket]

@GrumpyHoonMain

My old boss did this to me. Said I’d never get a promotion and he made a mistake hiring me - despite so many compliments from the most senior people in our organisation. He called me meek, a poor cultural fit, implied I was slow and stupid, and it shocked me because it literally came out of nowhere. All of this happened at the same time as I told him about IVF so I know that had at least something to do with his crap. So I quietly applied for a sideways promotion in an area which saw my value immediately and was so destressed that the next IVF cycle worked.

I am on mat leave now but when I return I will be an expert advisor in an area my old boss needs to engage for a project. I will basically hold all the cards as to whether his project will be successful or not and I intend to really rub in my success. You should do similar if possible, if not then start looking outside the organisation. You can do better.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. People in the office can be really messed up. It seems like your old boss wanted to undermine you and decrease your confidence as he thought that you were a threat to him. I'm glad that you were successful in obtaining a sideways promotion.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

My old boss did this to me. Said I’d never get a promotion and he made a mistake hiring me - despite so many compliments from the most senior people in our organisation. He called me meek, a poor cultural fit, implied I was slow and stupid, and it shocked me because it literally came out of nowhere. All of this happened at the same time as I told him about IVF so I know that had at least something to do with his crap. So I quietly applied for a sideways promotion in an area which saw my value immediately and was so destressed that the next IVF cycle worked.

I am on mat leave now but when I return I will be an expert advisor in an area my old boss needs to engage for a project. I will basically hold all the cards as to whether his project will be successful or not and I intend to really rub in my success. You should do similar if possible, if not then start looking outside the organisation. You can do better.

[Pigletinblanket]

Hi GruffyLove, it sounds like you’d like to leave your current role but are concerned about the current job environment due to COVID. Is that right? I can understand your perspective and sympathise with you completely but I think you will need to weigh up whether it is worth moving in the current climate.

You could look for another job in the meantime but it’s worth considering whether your future employer will have a “first in, last out” policy. At the same time, it doesn’t sound promising that your current employer has furloughed a number of staff so it might be worth moving jobs in any case.

I can understand how hurtful it is to experience a situation like you did at work and unfortunately it is generally hard to become completely disaffected by that situation, especially as it sounds like you are very invested in your role.

I would recommend that you remain cordial and professional but detach yourself from work until you feel indifferent about your role and your colleagues as long as it is not obvious to your colleagues that you are detached. You will feel better and find it much easier to leave once you have detached yourself. You can then look for other jobs until something suitable comes along but still retain the security from your current role. Best of luck. Xx

[GruffyLove]

Bump

[GruffyLove]

Oh and we did go for lunch and it was so so awkward - but I survived it and he's absolutely trying to be as good as gold with me now but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells waiting for him to start on me again. I do feel he's found another victim from what I've heard and maybe that's why he has backed off me.

[GruffyLove]

I hope this has worked - I have name changed back to GruffyLove.

I think the advice will be the same but I just don't know what to do and I don't have a crystal ball.

I stayed - I know I should not have done - although I could never trust him and I would say he has totally backed off. To the extent he listens to me and he really doesn't like it if I bring up this conversation he had with me. The problem for me is the damage is done. I really dislike him - I am working well. Billing well - although as we are sales and the sectors we sell to are badly affected by furlough the entire company (except him the actual CEO and a couple of others) are entirely furloughed.

We expect to start back up in the next two months. Being furloughed has made me realise how much I still dislike him - how much anger and resentment I'm still carrying after he spoke to me the way he did and the fact being I don't want to work for him anymore.

I am concerned if I leave that I might struggle to get roles elsewhere - but I have spoken to a recruiter while I've been off and she said I would not struggle. I have thought about setting up on my own. That would mean a drastic (down to zero) cut in my income.

I'm just dreading going back to work for him again as in my heart I just have not forgiven him.