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Original poster

Can I fire someone for having an affair with my husband

87 replies

Sohumiliated · 25/01/2019 03:38

I don't even know where to start. My dh told me tonight that he had cheated on me, and with one of my employees. He says they didn't sleep together, just some kissing but as I questioned him it seems it was more than just a few snogs but more an emotional affair. It's been going on for about 4 or 5 weeks, they've been messaging, about 30 times when she was away over Christmas, lots of sneaky kisses. They even went on a date a few days ago.

To complicate matters further I am also his line manager. Without wanting to be too outing we run a pub together but I am the manager and he is employed by me (better pay and flexibility that way than being a management couple).

She has worked for the company for about 8 years and I transferred to the site she works in and became her line manager about 10 months ago.

He told me tonight because her dh found out from a text message he saw..

At the minute I don't even know where to begin with processing all this or even start thinking about whether me and dh can work through it but I do know there's no way we can all keep working together. I'm hoping she's at least got the decency to call in sick tomorrow.. But then what. Can I fire her? Or force her to transfer to another site?

What I really want to do right now is go full Peggy Mitchell and along them both out but I need to stay calm and not put my own job at risk.

OP posts:

Darnsquirrels · 25/01/2019 04:00

I don't think you can. But not positive. I'd feel the same though.

Darnsquirrels · 25/01/2019 04:01

I don't think you can. But not positive. I'd feel the same though.

herecomesthsun · 25/01/2019 04:15

Did any of this happen in work time? Was there unprofessional behaviour? Texting each other on work phones? That could be cause for disciplinary action, keeping the actual fact of cheating you aside.

Are there any allied businesses to which this woman could be legitimately seconded? If you transferred to this site, could she be transferred away? Or could you work in another part of the business?

Are there any other causes for dissatisfaction with performance? What sort of contracts are they both on?

Is there anyone senior to you, or an HR department, with whom you could (very discreetly) discuss this?

FortunesFave · 25/01/2019 04:16

There might be a way around it...such as in-work bullying or something. In your shoes I would make her life such hell that she;d leave willingly.

HoppingPavlova · 25/01/2019 04:23

Uhhhhm, does your DH get forced out of his job too or only her?

Fozzleyplum · 25/01/2019 04:24

It might be possible to dismiss her fairly, relying on what is known as "some other substantial reason " - a no fault reason for dismissal. You do however need to follow a fair procedure. This is an occasion where you need to get some legal advice from a solicitor.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/01/2019 04:26

Well you can sack your husband, given that he has only worked "for" you for 10 months. So I would start with that, and employ and assistant to replace him.

As for her, no you cant just bin her off and you need HR help with that. What brewery are you with? I am in the business too.

Jenny70 · 25/01/2019 04:33

And your DH, he works for you - are you going to implement disciplinary measures against him?

Direct your anger at him, he had the vow to you. I understand you don't want to see her, but don't fire her and keep DH, what goes for one will have to go for the other, it's either unprofessional conduct or it's not.

Tattybear16 · 25/01/2019 04:34

No, are you going to fire your husband too? He’s as responsible as her, but apparently it’s the ow fault for forcing him into a relationship and having an EA when his vows are to you.

You are in pain, but you need to remain professional. If it happened when they should be working then there maybe a disciplinary approach, as they were being paid to work, not conduct an affair. However you only have one side of the story, what if she claims she’s been sexually harassed. Do you think transferring her to another role will stop the affair? He’s only telling you now because he got caught.

If you have children you need to consider how to move forward from this. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

jessstan2 · 25/01/2019 04:40

Ask her to find another job, give her a good reference. She'll probably be glad to do that because it is such an awkward situation.

I don't know what you are going to do about your husband, you are both tied to the business. Things happen, if your marriage has been good and he is suitably repentant, you can probably work it out.

It's quite something that they didn't actually sleep together, most people do. They might have done had they not been caught out. Hopefully both are now realising what they stood to lose.

blackcat86 · 25/01/2019 04:42

You need to make sure that any action taken is fair so applies to both DH and OW. This is especially true if she has other friends at the pub who could vouch that it's business as usual for DH but OW gets the sack. Is your pub part of a larger chain where you could seek advice? I would see how the coming days go. If she's shitty with you, hard to manage etc because of the incident then this may give some more legitimate reasons. Have you got another senior member of staff that could take on her line management?

I'm really sorry this has happened to you and it's particularity shitty that it's been brought into your place of work. However, your DH is not innocent in this and needs to take responsibility for the pain caused. Just getting rid of OW may actually make it easy for them to pursue a proper relationship if they don't work together or he'll just find a new OW.

BeardedMum · 25/01/2019 04:45

I would say yes as raises questions around integrity and professional conduct but you would have to sack your dh too

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 25/01/2019 04:50

Nope you can’t fire her, but you can divorce your husband. Is she on a set hours contract? You can get her to work the least desirable shifts as possible

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 25/01/2019 04:58

Sack your husband. Both as an employee and as a husband. Why just her?

Boysandbuses · 25/01/2019 05:14

If you even tries to sack her or ask her to work elsewhere and didn't do the same to your husband then you leave yourself wide open.

Also, I would contact my manager and ask someone else to come and deal with the pair of them. If this has gone off in work there could be actions to be taken. I would not recommend they are taken by you though.

It's really interesting that you think she deserves to lose her job but your dh doesn?

TrixieFranklin · 25/01/2019 05:23

I agree get them both out

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 25/01/2019 05:23

Yes you need proper HR and legal advice here. Sorry you are going through this OP.

TigerQuoll · 25/01/2019 05:55

If you can find a way to fire her legally, blackball her (tell every other company in town where she might do similar work to not hire her because she isn't to be trusted).

cantfindname · 25/01/2019 05:58

Sacking her won't end their affair, especially as she may want his shoulder to cry on if her OH leaves her. If you sack them both then they will wander off into the blue and set up together... plus you will have no staff, on a practical level. HR advice would seem to be your best move.

Confronting her calmly, telling her you know and asking her to move to a different job (far,far away, preferably) may work if you also make her working life miserable. Nothing nasty or illegal, simply be on her case and keep her working harder than she has ever had to before.

What does your OH say? Does he want to end your relationship for her or is he penitent and begging for forgiveness? If it were me, and if the relationship with him was otherwise good, then I would have a damn good try to continue it and to put all this behind you, especially as it seems theirs was more an emotional relationship than a physical one. It will be difficult, very difficult, if her OH kicks off and she looks to yours for solace... he will need to be very strong and to cut off all contact outside essential work related matters.

It's a real mess for you to deal with. If you lose the plot and sack her you are jeopardising not only your own job but also, I imagine, your home. I genuinely feel for you.

amilosingitor · 25/01/2019 06:05

Presumably you haven't mentioned sacking he husband because that's a) a given or b) he's already confirmed he won't be working for you any longer?

With regards to the legalities I'm sorry but I'd be sacking her for complete unprofessionalism if nothing else and she's got a flaming cheek if she complains about it. Both of them are scum and even worse that this has only come to light because they've been caught. Vile cretins

flumpybear · 25/01/2019 06:19

I'd honestly keep the moral high ground here. Tell her to start looking for another job
Or transfer and you'll give her a genuine reference reflecting her skills. I'd tell her she didn't have to butnyounthink that the trust you have with her had been shattered and it's unlikely you'll all be able to work well together any longer

Then I'd lay into her by telling her 'as xxx wife, not your employer I think you're .... tell her what you want then as you're not talking to her as her boss - I'd be inclined to do that same to my husband if it was me - I'm intolerant of cheating

Talia99 · 25/01/2019 06:20

I want to start by saying I’m sorry and I can see why booting her out the door is your first thought. However, I’m going to launch into my understanding of the boring legal stuff below since I assume you don’t want to lose your job when you’ve just discovered your marriage is shaky. For the avoidance of doubt, I am not an employment lawyer.

Since she’s worked there for over 2 years, she can sue for unfair dismissal. Therefore if you do want to sack her for actions not relating to how she does her job you need legal advice first. Also, if you put her on the bad shifts or bully her out as suggested, that can be constructive dismissal and she can still sue (and if she keeps track of your actions would have evidence)

Anything you do to her but don’t do to your husband would be evidence you’ve acted unfairly and could give rise to a sex discrimination claim (treating a woman differently to a man for the same actions).

If there is any avenue of getting legal advice or HR advice from your head office before you do anything? If not, you may want to speak to an employment lawyer personally. Also, most large organisations have disciplinary procedures - if yours does and you do decide she needs to go, you need to follow yours religiously.

WonderWoman2019 · 25/01/2019 06:24

Fire your husband.

Namechangedzzz · 25/01/2019 06:27

He only told you because her DH had found out. He didn't tell you because he felt guilty. I'm really sorry

sandgrown · 25/01/2019 06:27

I suspect the first thing her husband will do is tell her to leave the job and thereby save you the trouble. Two people at my work had an affair and she never came back into work once they were found out . I empathise OP a similar thing happened to me .

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