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Original poster

Can I fire someone for having an affair with my husband

87 replies

Sohumiliated · 25/01/2019 03:38

I don't even know where to start. My dh told me tonight that he had cheated on me, and with one of my employees. He says they didn't sleep together, just some kissing but as I questioned him it seems it was more than just a few snogs but more an emotional affair. It's been going on for about 4 or 5 weeks, they've been messaging, about 30 times when she was away over Christmas, lots of sneaky kisses. They even went on a date a few days ago.

To complicate matters further I am also his line manager. Without wanting to be too outing we run a pub together but I am the manager and he is employed by me (better pay and flexibility that way than being a management couple).

She has worked for the company for about 8 years and I transferred to the site she works in and became her line manager about 10 months ago.

He told me tonight because her dh found out from a text message he saw..

At the minute I don't even know where to begin with processing all this or even start thinking about whether me and dh can work through it but I do know there's no way we can all keep working together. I'm hoping she's at least got the decency to call in sick tomorrow.. But then what. Can I fire her? Or force her to transfer to another site?

What I really want to do right now is go full Peggy Mitchell and along them both out but I need to stay calm and not put my own job at risk.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 08:16

Are you sacking your husband too?

I imagine if you aren't careful you could rightly end up on the lising end of a tribunal case.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 08:16

*losing

tinstar · 25/01/2019 09:52

Well yes, agree, on mumsnet, punishing the other woman and forgiving rhe husband is rather common. But it's still fucking odd.

I'm not sure the op has forgiven her DH?

Sounds like you're fortunate never to have been in this situation Bluntness. Or else you have and immediately heeded Mumsnet advice to LTB whilst telling the ow/om you bore them no ill will.

But having been cheated on myself I don't think it's odd to want to deal with the overwhelming hurt, shock and chaos by trying to blame - at least in part -someone outside the family unit that is suddenly so threatened. Yes, once you've had time to come to terms people should realise that's wrong. But as a knee-jerk reaction when your world has suddenly fallen in? Surely not that difficult to understand.

HoppingPavlova · 25/01/2019 10:43

I’d take her to one side and tell her your u know and suggest it’s in everyone’s best interests that she considers leaving. Pretty sure her OH won’t like the idea she continue to work there after having an affair with a colleague

And will the same suggestion be given to the DH, who is equally at fault?? If not, then that’s very odd.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 10:58

I’d take her to one side and tell her your u know and suggest it’s in everyone’s best interests that she considers leaving. Pretty sure her OH won’t like the idea she continue to work there after having an affair with a colleague

Her response to that would be see you in court. She would have an extremly strong case.

Original poster
Sohumiliated · 25/01/2019 11:01

Gosh I didn't expect so many replies. Firstly thank you for the kind words.

Those though that are saying why am I blaming the OW and forgiving my dh, I'm really not. I only found out a few hours ago and am still in shock, and as some have said I don't even know half the story, he's deleted all his messages so I only have what he says to go on at the moment so unless she comes in and shows me all the messages on her phone then I probably will never know. It will take longer though to unravel mine and dh's lives, we live and work together, have 2 children and joint finances. I can't even start to think about that at the moment, I'm just trying to get through today and as much as I'd love to phone in sick and go and hide under the duvet I have a pub to open and customers to serve and somehow try and slap a fucking smile on my face while doing it. I don't want to work with either of them, but I can't do it on my own and quite frankly it will be easier to get through the day with him being meek and contrite (if that's the right words - yes he is begging for forgiveness and doesn't want to leave) than to have to face her. Sorry if that makes me unjust somehow but at the moment I'm just trying to hold it together and stop crying.

I am hoping that she'll want to try and save her marriage and so leave of her own accord and make it easier on me but if she doesn't I will definitely get someone else to handle the disciplinary side - I just feel so humiliated at the moment I don't even want to tell anyone. At her last review though we were already talking about her transferring to another site for her own career progression as there is currently no room to progress here. I could easily find another site to transfer her to tomorrow, but I would also want to be discreet about it I don't want to become the topic of gossip amongst other pub managers.

Thank you for all the advice, I'll re-read it all properly later. I've not heard anything from her and she's due into work in the next half hour and I can't really focus at the moment.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 11:10

I will definitely get someone else to handle the disciplinary side

They need to discipline your DH too.

Original poster
Sohumiliated · 25/01/2019 11:18

I will definitely get someone else to handle the disciplinary side

They need to discipline your DH too.

ffs I know that I'm not a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 25/01/2019 11:21

Surely she will know better and leave!!

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Sounds like you 'D'H would not have told you if he didn't think her DH would

PepsiLola · 25/01/2019 11:21

Is OW working today?

tinstar · 25/01/2019 11:29

Pepsi - op has already said ow is working today.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 11:29

ffs I know that I'm not a fucking idiot.

Nice Shock

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 25/01/2019 11:32

Come on SillySallySingsSongs - she's literally just found out her "D"H's been having an affair.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 11:37

Come on SillySallySingsSongs - she's literally just found out her "D"H's been having an affair.

Fully aware of that Hmm

I didn't say anything different to that which others have said.

tinstar · 25/01/2019 11:39

I didn't say anything different to that which others have said.

Exactly - others have said it. No need to keep harping on about it.

Original poster
Sohumiliated · 25/01/2019 11:39

Apologies SillySally I just thought it was obvious that they would be both be disciplined.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 11:40

Exactly - others have said it. No need to keep harping on about it.

Ok mum.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/01/2019 11:41

ApologiesSillySallyI just thought it was obvious that they would be both be disciplined.

Thats ok Sohumiliated Flowers

PepsiLola · 25/01/2019 11:41

Hold your head up high today in work. OW will be shitting bricks as much as you are Thanks

Teaandcrisps · 25/01/2019 11:43

I hope that you have the strength to get thru the day today. Shoulders back, game face on, fuck em attitude. Then we will be here when you need us.

Boysandbuses · 25/01/2019 11:49

Would you discipline 2 others employees of they got together and one was married?

Please be cared you don't end up l3aving the door wide open for her to swing it round on you. If other colleagues have had affairs at your work and you havent done anything, you may find this is very difficult to do something about.

SoupDragon · 25/01/2019 11:51

they would be both be disciplined.

What for? In a business sense, obviously.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 25/01/2019 11:52

I'm not sure this is a disciplinary matter, though it needs resolving. Hopefully OW can be moved to another pub asap. Perhaps she could request this herself to save you being involved.

My heart goes out to you though. Tough day for you.

Original poster
Sohumiliated · 25/01/2019 11:54

She came in. I told her I didn't need her to work today but that I would pay her for her shift and I need to take advice on how I deal with the situation. She said that she just came in to hand in her notice which I of course accepted but said she didn't need to work her notice but I would pay her for it or I would find her a transfer if she wanted.

I did ask her when it started and she said pretty much what my dh did and also swore that she didn't sleep with him.

For now I have an ad out for more staff, dh can work when I'm off which will also mean he won't be in the flat when I am. He'll have to get another job, even if we work through this I don't think we could continue to work together too. Which is fucking annoying as we're a bloody good team together at work.

(Just for someone who said I can fire him straight away as he's only worked for me for 10 months - he's worked for me/with me for about 15 years).

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 25/01/2019 11:55

OP, if the organisation is a large one, say 500+, then there will be codes of conduct etc published & implemented by HR.

Today sounds horribly tough for you.
You needs to get advice for yourself (e.g. ACAS, trade union, employee assistance, independent solicitor) as you have your wellbeing, your health, your children, your job, your career & your marriage to consider.

Put your self first, get advice.

You must tell your line manager or HR so that an independent manager can be brought in to manage the situation. You do not find this person.

At her last 1:1 were the comments about a change of location for career development documented & signed off/electronically filed. If so, this may help the independent manager resolve the situation. It may be helpful for the organisation to activate her request for a career development move.

BUT, big but, bear in mind at this moment your knowledge of the relationship is hearsay. You have only your OH’s word that they have a relationship, the extent of it & that her OH knows. Please bear that in mind. How you get beyond that to actual confirmation &/or evidence so that your employer can resolve the management issue, I cannot say.

Other than professional contact, please do not discuss with her or influence the situation as the complexity of your line management relationship is sharply skewed by what your OH has told you. I doubt this, but he may have just made up a load of bollocks. Tread carefully & take advice.

I am sure you are incredibly busy but could you take a half hour out early this afternoon to ring employee assistance for emotional support - if your organisation has this service - &/or ACAS for employment advice where you can discuss your workplace situation without prejudice.

Acas Helpline - on 0300 123 1100.

I wish you all the best to get through today Flowers.