“Soul-destroying” - sometimes that’s exactly how Work feels for me

[AKAmyself]

Right, I know I sound ridiculously ott and melodramatic but I wonder whether others feel the same and most importantly how you cope.

I’m in my 40s, 2 pre-teens dcs. I’ve worked hard to hang on to my career and am by and large happy I did, as its always been important to me to have my independence, financially and socially. I have a good, professional job in a large multinational. I earn a good salary. Thanks to it, we are able to afford the lifestyle we’ve always wanted for our kids and for our family - not talking luxury but a comfortable home, lovely holidays, extracurricular activities without having to worry about money etc. I am really grateful for all of this.

However... my job is also very stressful, and I suffer a lot from anxiety (sleepless nights etc); I am profoundly unfulfilled, as I don’t particularly like the sector I’m in; The management style is brutal and (my eyes have slowly been opening to this, and now I cannot unsee it...) sexism and mysoginism are rife and slowly, consistently chipping away at my ambition and self confidence.

I have worked really hard on myself the last few years - seen a psychologist for burnout; learned mindfulness; invested a lot in leadership and coaching training. For a while all this made a difference and I found a good balance. But it keeps coming back, this soul-sapping feeling that I’m just a rat in a cage, that the effort it takes for my mind and my soul to keep it all together, that the amount of work I have to put into showing up every day at work with the right “can do” attitude to manage whatever amount of shit will be thrown at me; and then to show up at home with the right “being” attitude to be there for my children and dh... well it’s just too much. I feel utterly lost in all of this - like life is slipping one worry at a time.

I am aware, as I write this, that I will come across as entitled and privileged. I am, as I said, very grateful for all I have. I guess perhaps I need to grow up to the hard fact that life is hard, that being stressed at work is natural, etc etc. I just crave a little lightness, a little decompression time.

The thought of going back to work tomorrow after half term (where I checked my emails daily, and could not stop thinking about work at all) fills me with so much dread it’s like a lead weight in my stomach.

I wonder if others feel like this - or have felt like this, and managed to turn things around eventually?

Here's an amusing TEDtalk from Sarah Knight about how to give zero fucks:

Caveat: It isn't the most ingenious or original TED I've seen but there are a few good messages about where to channel your energies and how to spend your "Fuck Budget" wisely (not going out for a meal with the leaving colleague you can't stand, or yet another baby shower!)

Congratulations on your promotion Reality!

It’s been very up and down, roller coasterish for me. I can’t even really articulate how I feel - simultaneously bored and stressed, Unengaged and under pressure. I know I have to make a move - either internally or bite the bullet and look outside. I feel I really lack confidence though - and as I was telling dh yesterday, I think deep down I do not believe I can actually ever like work so that’s a huge obstacle to seeking to move - I can only see downsides like more stress, more uncertainty etc, the possibility that I might actually enjoy another role never actually enters my consciousness. Wtf is wrong with me?!?

There's nothing wrong with you - if you've always worked in stressful, unsupportive workplaces, it's completely understandable that you would be apprehensive about trying something else.

Are there any opportunities under your contract to take some sort of sabbatical, or temporary placements in other areas of the company to try them out? Or maybe you could make a list of the kind of companies you might consider and ask for advice from other MNers for honest advice on them?

I think deep down I do not believe I can actually ever like work so that’s a huge obstacle to seeking to move - I can only see downsides like more stress, more uncertainty etc, the possibility that I might actually enjoy another role never actually enters my consciousness. Wtf is wrong with me

I think that we are sold this dream of a wonderful, fulfilling career. Over 20 years or so you come to the realisation that this doesn't exist.

Bosses are out for themselves, companies will get rid of you on a whim. The only way of dealing with it for me is to detach. Work to live, do your job take your money and try not to take it too seriously. Don't have too much respect for managers, they usually don't know any more than you and are covering that they are out of their depth. I also think it's good to have some friends at work, they keep me going and make me laugh about it all.

Whether somewhere else is better depends on how much you hate it. But there's nothing wrong with you at all.

Did anyone have a watch / listen of the Richard Herring podcast with Johann Hari I posted above? Bit long I know, but I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on the ideas he brings up.

Reality, not yet but I will later if I get chance. Congratulations on your promotion

Restructure news part one - my role seems to be staying largely as is (which is fine, my role is generally great, I just want more money to do it) but my reporting line is going significantly more senior. Apparently it is acknowledged I have a unique role in the business. Interesting. I'm awaiting part two..

Sunday night blues killing me tonight :(

I can’t face going in tomorrow... how’s everyone else?

Dreading it. The weekends are just not long enough are they.

I'm really hacked off today. I've been doing my degree level professional qualification- nearly done.

Just found out from my manager that someone else a level higher than me has been signed off to do the higher level version of my course - it's not their role at present but is clearly going to be. I've only been told as I need to be involved in an element of the admin.

The organisation can't accommodate both of us at the higher level. I'm the first one to do this qualification. I get on well with the other person and we could in theory work together, I'd be happy lining into them, but none of this has been discussed with me at all as being an option.

I feel like my career path has been blocked off

That is shit whirly, have you been able to discuss it with your manager?

I'm having a mixed week. Work's bimbling along, but I wish my home life was more settled and calm (we're renovating), so that I have somewhere to have proper respite from work. I feel like I'm going from one unpleasant situation to another every day.

Sorry to hear that Whirly. That’s rough.

I had a glimmer of hope the other day when I saw a development programme being advertised- have since found out you need to be a grade higher to be eligible. Sigh. Have asked hr to review but suspect it won’t go my way.

Feeling very trapped at the moment. Soul destroying indeed

I've spent the afternoon reading this thread, and I can only say that I appear to have found my people! What is resonating with me is that last year was professionally the hardest and most challenging year I've every had - I got a pay rise and a promotion at the end of it but I feel like I'm broken.

I actually enjoy my job if you define it by the tasks I do, and like (mostly) the people I deal with, but we're a relatively new company having undergone massive expansion from 3 people and a dog to nearly 1000 - so there is plenty of politics, plus the pressure that comes from being a company that could potentially collapse as fast as it expanded. I'm also very fortunate to like and get on with my boss, and we've worked together for a while now - that helps enormously.

I'm currently off work with stress (some work, some personal) - I'm taking positive steps to recharge. I'm nearly 50 and I've never been signed off by a doctor before, but I realised I wasn't right when I nearly told a colleague to FOTTFSOF. Plus for the past couple of months, whenever someone came to see me, the first thing they'd say when they saw my face was "OMG what's happened, are you ok?"

I genuinely don't GAF at the moment though, which is very liberating. I'm not sure whether it's a stress reaction or age or menopoause. Like others on the thread, I too have always been a people pleaser, and wanted them to like me. But now, if someone is wrong, I will say they are wrong - politely and calmly - and I genuinely don't worry about it afterwards. It's bloody liberating and I hope when I've pulled myself together I don't lose this new found talent, it's great!

I felt this way (after a decade in London). I hung in there as long as I could (for the cash), and then took a pay cut that gave me palpitations if I thought about it too much.

Best thing I could have done. I have a life now, with hobbies. I actually see the kids. I no longer have asthma issues (London air).

It can be done (but you do have to plan well for it).

Choc - did it take you long to adjust? 6 or 7 months into new role having taken the walloping pay cut but not reaping all of the benefits yet. Not sure if it the new workplace, stuff at home or if I am just a bit of a twat?!

Adjustment time has been needed. Coming up to a year now.

It helps that my new place has lovely people and the work is super interesting (at least at present) but I still have conniptions about the pay cut. It was definitely time to move on and out though - the atmosphere where I was previously did not suit me at all, and the commute was destroying and chance of a balanced life.

Reality, my manager is part of the issue unfortunately. She's a pro at playing people off against one another and would have known how this would affect me. That bit really stung. Fortunately an imminent restructure will change my reporting line so I think it's best to try and sit tight and keep quiet.

Today I talked directly to the person doing the qualification and said in future I'd like to be able to work with them. I can't change the situation so it seemed the best way of moving forward. I also think I'll do the next stage qualification myself, even if I need to self fund..

Chocolala, that's great that it worked out so well for you. Sounds a much healthier balance now.

So much of this resonates with me too. To the outside world it looks like I have it all - a reasonably paid role, 3 days a week and I get to lead a project. The reality is an impossible workload, unsupportive managers who make all the right noises but quietly sit there in our monthly director meetings when I get absolutely torn apart for failures in areas that aren't even my responsibility and to top it all the knowledge I am significantly underpaid by at least 25-30%. I'm pretty much at breaking point now.
I feel so trapped - I'm the only person in my business unit who works part time. It is impossible to get another role part time somewhere else they simply don't exist. Our DTD's start prep school in September so we're committed to paying school fees for which we need my salary. And DH is about to go onto consultation for redundancy at his work too. I have our next monthly director meeting on Wednesday and my managers only comment on it so far is asking me if I'm looking forward to it . I fantasise about coming out of the meeting and resigning but how can I? I have in theory lots of 'transferable skills' but no idea what to do with them. Instead I just feel my soul being chipped away day by day and feel constantly emotionally overwrought and tearful.

Teateaandmoretea has nailed it. Great name too.

Came on here to write similar. Astounded how we are all in the same boat. Why do we do it?

Today I have been told -

• not to cancel annual leave for something that I have no choice to cancel for as there is only one date it can happen yet no one else can cover but if I don't do it am in the shit, no alternative solution given by manager

• to get on with a legal procedure I know nothing about without any help from legal because I should apparantly know it after reading about it online

• that something I should know about is an "agreed strategy" which confused me very much have read through all documents and find no evidence of this so reply and say "yes I can see there are some themes but these are just research findings there's no strategy to move forward" to be replied to "this is the strategy it says so" err no it doesn't.

I want to scream. Have spent most of the night crying.

I suspect for the vast majority, it largely boils down to managerial incompetence which seeps through the organisation. There seems to be a lot of it about.

Wow, it seems I too have found my people!

Just finished work. At 1am

I had no choice because I need to take the next two days as annual leave and it was the only way to get the work done.

I know I need to push back and do less and stop giving a shit and all that good stuff but I can't actually work out how I'm meant to do that?? I fantasise a lot about resigning though.

Bad management is the main theme I find. My last manager was utterly dire. Piss ups and breweries came to mind.

Jassmells - what’s the procedure?

The thing about blaming bad management though is...what if you ARE a manager?? I am, so feel like I must somehow be responsible for the culture. Even though I'm hardly a big cheese.

notthatonethanks intelligent people can pick up on good and bad managers even within a shitty regime. Bad managers do the following:

• micromanage and get too close to the details losing sight of the management that they are meant to be doing (so you try to do my job rather than your own)
• don't make decisions without dithering and doing copious amounts of research designed to cover their own arse
• hide anyone in their team who is bright and keep them down (especially if they are brighter than them) as they think that this individual will make them look like a doofer in front of senior management
• pass off other people's work as their own (reference point 3)
• be inconsistent and jump from priority to priority without clarity
• give irritating advice to their team members on things that they don't even understand but feel that they need to appear that they do.

If you tick any of those boxes then you need to worry. If not then I reckon you aren't responsible at all and are just working there like everyone else. I have a good manager I think (she's relatively new) but some of the others are just awful.

I’ve found my people!

Part of my problem is I’ve stagnated working in the same office for 10 years (gulp).I’ve seen a job advertised that would really suit my experience but for some reason I’m hesitant to apply. It’s almost like Stockholm Syndrome. I’m strangely comfortable with my daily stressful torture. It would also mean giving up the hefty 1000 hours of sick leave that I’ve accrued in my current position (in Australia so sick leave works like that here).. How silly is that!

Someone give me a proverbial kick up the backside please