“Soul-destroying” - sometimes that’s exactly how Work feels for me

[AKAmyself]

Right, I know I sound ridiculously ott and melodramatic but I wonder whether others feel the same and most importantly how you cope.

I’m in my 40s, 2 pre-teens dcs. I’ve worked hard to hang on to my career and am by and large happy I did, as its always been important to me to have my independence, financially and socially. I have a good, professional job in a large multinational. I earn a good salary. Thanks to it, we are able to afford the lifestyle we’ve always wanted for our kids and for our family - not talking luxury but a comfortable home, lovely holidays, extracurricular activities without having to worry about money etc. I am really grateful for all of this.

However... my job is also very stressful, and I suffer a lot from anxiety (sleepless nights etc); I am profoundly unfulfilled, as I don’t particularly like the sector I’m in; The management style is brutal and (my eyes have slowly been opening to this, and now I cannot unsee it...) sexism and mysoginism are rife and slowly, consistently chipping away at my ambition and self confidence.

I have worked really hard on myself the last few years - seen a psychologist for burnout; learned mindfulness; invested a lot in leadership and coaching training. For a while all this made a difference and I found a good balance. But it keeps coming back, this soul-sapping feeling that I’m just a rat in a cage, that the effort it takes for my mind and my soul to keep it all together, that the amount of work I have to put into showing up every day at work with the right “can do” attitude to manage whatever amount of shit will be thrown at me; and then to show up at home with the right “being” attitude to be there for my children and dh... well it’s just too much. I feel utterly lost in all of this - like life is slipping one worry at a time.

I am aware, as I write this, that I will come across as entitled and privileged. I am, as I said, very grateful for all I have. I guess perhaps I need to grow up to the hard fact that life is hard, that being stressed at work is natural, etc etc. I just crave a little lightness, a little decompression time.

The thought of going back to work tomorrow after half term (where I checked my emails daily, and could not stop thinking about work at all) fills me with so much dread it’s like a lead weight in my stomach.

I wonder if others feel like this - or have felt like this, and managed to turn things around eventually?

that's an interesting perspective, reality (I spot a fellow economist there :)). You are right we need to look at the big picture.

I also think it's the combination of a corporate culture that's increasingly de-humanised and market driven with a personal fulfilment/wellbeing culture. We (well, I for sure) internalise this message that we need to love what we do, that we need to seek fulfilment etc. But - let's face it - how many people really do what they love? How many are genuinely fulfilled by their work? And for how many that dichotomy between inner aspirations and outer pursuits becomes an additional source of stress?

My dad always says "if work was fun, they wouldn't pay you for it". I dont think he ever expected to have fun at work or to be passionate about what he did. Work was its own reward. Of course the irony is that his job, seen from where I am today, was incommensurably easier and doable
than anyone could dream of today. As a relatively senior civil servant , he had a position of responsibility, headed a large department, for sure was stressed. He also had so many trappings of status and comfort that have been lost: a PA to deal with all the admin, including his typing (imagine not even having to do your own typing! And yet that was totally normal); an office of his own; long lunch breaks etc. And of course there was no technology: memos were typed and circulated, it took weeks to provide a response that now would be expected by return email within 2 hours. When he was home, he was home - no phone, no emails, no way to be reached. We often had his colleagues and their families home for lunch or dinner - they are still close now, in retirement. So he must have liked his colleagues. And of course my mum was a SAHM so I doubt he's ever had to spare a second's worth of mental or emotional energy on matters such as calling the plumber for a leaky radiator, ensuring we kids had shoes, or dealing with teachers, friends, etc - let alone cooking, cleaning, and generally organising our lives.

So the paradox we find ourselves stuck within... we crave fulfilment and self-actualisation (sorry - i know these are cringeworthy words), we crave balance and physical and mental wellbeing.... while at the same time society and technology are pushing us towards ever more dehumanised and ever more unsustainable patterns of working and living.

What is the answer?

Interesting what you're all saying about non-profit not necessarily being less stressful :(

Agree that non profits struggle with the same culture issue. And as I’ve said, I feel the same even though I am The Boss. I don’t report to anyone (barring the FCA) and I feel like you do. For me it’s the grind. Solving the same issues over and over again, dealing with people who are a massive PITA (that does not go away), managing people who are demanding, needy, entitled whilst trying to be fair to those who aren’t...

For me this is an age and stage thing. We have the house, car , kids. We see kids grow and can imagine an end to our usefulness. We know we are not going to be Prime Minister or pop star. So what is the point of it all ?

Your reference to your dad is relevant. As my friend says, just because women have decided to take on full time work out of the home, it doesn’t make the full time job in the home any less. Of course there’s a massive price to pay in trying to do both. As you note - all the brain space your dad had to allow some moments of tranquility and recuperation because someone else was taking care of everything else made a massive difference. It’s actually hard to imagine what I’d do with all that mental space.

I’m not in any way arguing you give it all up to become an earth mother. I wonder how your mother felt about her role and her missed opportunities. I am massive advocate of staying in employment in virtually any circumstance because at my age (nearly 50) I’m starting to see the damage wrought by unexpected divorce, death, illness on women who didn’t maintain their financial independence. But I had that drilled in to me growing up (single parent household in the 70s) so it’s an obsession of mine.

No particular answers here but may I also whisper the word menopause or peri. It can have a huge effect on mental well-being. I am on HRT now which helped with the sleeplessness though I still struggle with low mood and just what’s the point ness

Continuing the economic / Marxist analysis, isn’t the problem that our labour is not valued highly enough?

AKA you rightly point out that your dad, despite his seniority, had a much more manageable workload and office environment. This is also the problem for teachers, people in healthcare - everywhere people are being asked to do more and more for (in real terms) less and less.

Two parents working full time wouldn’t result in extra workloads dealing with the household stuff if those two incomes were equivalent in value to what they would have been 40 years ago. People could afford childcare, nannies, cleaners etc. Now they often can’t, and it’s not as simple as one staying at home as backingvocals says - that person tends to be the woman, and there are strong reasons for a woman to keep working for financial security.

So where is that wealth / value going, if not into households? People are working harder than ever, employment is very low - why aren’t wages rising? Something is broken...

AKA I did economics A level, I just have an entirely amateur interest in it now!

People here might be interested in this podcast:

Disclaimer: I know Johann Hari doesn’t have an unblemished record, and I don’t agree with everything he says here about depression, but I think the sections where he discusses workplaces and mental health are interesting and made me think a lot about what job satisfaction would look like for me.

Anyway, i’m linking it here as something we could maybe discuss, rather than as a manifesto! I don’t actually know if he’s right, and i’m sure there are many counter-examples to his one about the little bike shop.

I've been following this thread with interest as so much of it resonates with me. Another 40-something here, feeling disillusioned and on the verge of burning out.

I left the highly toxic environment of my previous job 6 months ago to join a former colleague at a company that he assured me was more laid back. It's true that the company owners are much nicer, but the job itself is more stressful than my previous one.

It's a smaller organisation, which means that even the more senior team members have to be incredibly hands on with day to day tasks. I spend about 90% of my time doing entry-level work I was doing 15-20 years ago in my most junior role. As a result I'm both bored AND stressed!

I'm supposed to be part time (30 hours) but most weeks end up working 36-38 hours. If I didn't I wouldn't keep up with the workload and I am too conscientious to just say 'fuck it' and leave on time.

I'd love to have the choice to quit and do something fulfilling, but OH is self-employed and is earning next to nothing while he builds up his portfolio. I was supportive of him chucking in his job and trying to pursue his dream career at first, but I'm now becoming resentful (we have had the "You need to get a 'proper' job" conversation). I'm working myself into the ground and it's not even like I have an amazing salary to show for it. It just about covers all the bills. Our summer holiday is being funded mostly by an unexpected tax rebate.

I don't have any words of wisdom, just felt this was a good place to rant!

A bit random but I’m wondering about changing to become a postman!!

Benefits- exercise, fresh air, fairly stress free = good for mood
Negative - pay, winter/rainy months, dogs

Any thoughts? Or a pipe dream?

I think changing to a postal worker could be fine, but only if you didn’t ever want to return to your previous life or could combine it with other work.

I suspect the role may be gone in ten years too.

maybedoctor good point hadn’t thought of long term..

Why don't you go and shadow a postman for a few days, Oddsocks? It's hard work I think but at least you would get an insight.

I've got a friend who used to be a postman. Used to walk about 23k steps or something ridiculous!

I think I recall an autobiography/ memoir about a woman chucking it all in to be a postal worker in Devon.

Found it

Cornwall not Devon!

well that's my next career move sorted, wouldn't even have to move house!

Love Cornwall ... sigh ...

Hi all. Hope the Sunday night blues is not too bad. Just wanted to say have a good week everyone... I spent the day baking (3 cakes! Who’s going to eat them all?!?) and it was really relaxing. Not good for the waistline, but definitely self care.

I am shattered, don’t feel like I’ve had a weekend at all. I always feel like this at the moment.

Stop the world, please! I want a nap.

Same, shattered and don’t know when I am ever going to wake up refreshed. Will have to work at home today as I got so little sleep I cannot safely drive.

I have dropped from senior ops to a junior strategy role and I am still stressed. Don’t know where to go from here

This thread is great. I struggle so badly to reconcile my ambition with what's actually practical. I'm a single parent of 2 dcs, currently at different schools, work full time and am also studying for a degree-level professional qualification. At my own request

I'm at middle management level and would love to be senior management one day. I just get days when my brain is so foggy I can barely see straight. On a good day I fire through work and keep plates spinning at work and home. On a bad day I barely stay upright. Bit worried someone's going to notice..

I secretly have a recurring fantasy about jacking it in and working at a bookshop.

Dreadful start to the week, I just feel so demoralised. I had a supervision session today and they normally make me feel better but my manager offered little cause for optimism tbh. I just don’t know what to do to make this right. I took it all out on DH too which is far from ideal (although he has been a wanker the last few weeks)

But is simply too much asked of people? We worry people will notice we aren’t coping, but perhaps no one could?

This was my realisation in November when I went off sick with a cold that wouldn’t shift. It wasn’t that I didn’t work fast enough or wasn’t intelligent enough or didn’t manage my stress. The amount I was expected to do, on my own, was utterly ridiculous

Beautiful snowy day here.
Glad I don't have a commute.
I will spend this morning with some metalwork and pliers, I have some items to package, some ordering of stock to do.
I may go far a short walk to take some photographs.
A quick trip to the local post office then stick a casserole in the oven for dinner. No gym on a Tuesday.

Whirlygirly would it be possible to postpone the degree until things are calmer? I honestly think you're amazing even thinking about doing a degree at this point let alone doing one but it would break me. I can't even find time to read a whole book at the moment which is a shame as that used to be my escape.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow I think that's completely true - they do ask more of their employees than is physically possible. OTOH those who deal better with the pressure (or appear to? And are these mostly male?) manage to pick the tasks they want to complete, those with high profile and make a big fanfare out of it - and then forget about the rest. Loads of people I knew had loads of work behind them not done or done shoddily, and that was there MO. Is this maybe the way to survive? Or being ruthless with saying no to stuff, drawing really clear boundaries?