“Soul-destroying” - sometimes that’s exactly how Work feels for me

[AKAmyself]

Right, I know I sound ridiculously ott and melodramatic but I wonder whether others feel the same and most importantly how you cope.

I’m in my 40s, 2 pre-teens dcs. I’ve worked hard to hang on to my career and am by and large happy I did, as its always been important to me to have my independence, financially and socially. I have a good, professional job in a large multinational. I earn a good salary. Thanks to it, we are able to afford the lifestyle we’ve always wanted for our kids and for our family - not talking luxury but a comfortable home, lovely holidays, extracurricular activities without having to worry about money etc. I am really grateful for all of this.

However... my job is also very stressful, and I suffer a lot from anxiety (sleepless nights etc); I am profoundly unfulfilled, as I don’t particularly like the sector I’m in; The management style is brutal and (my eyes have slowly been opening to this, and now I cannot unsee it...) sexism and mysoginism are rife and slowly, consistently chipping away at my ambition and self confidence.

I have worked really hard on myself the last few years - seen a psychologist for burnout; learned mindfulness; invested a lot in leadership and coaching training. For a while all this made a difference and I found a good balance. But it keeps coming back, this soul-sapping feeling that I’m just a rat in a cage, that the effort it takes for my mind and my soul to keep it all together, that the amount of work I have to put into showing up every day at work with the right “can do” attitude to manage whatever amount of shit will be thrown at me; and then to show up at home with the right “being” attitude to be there for my children and dh... well it’s just too much. I feel utterly lost in all of this - like life is slipping one worry at a time.

I am aware, as I write this, that I will come across as entitled and privileged. I am, as I said, very grateful for all I have. I guess perhaps I need to grow up to the hard fact that life is hard, that being stressed at work is natural, etc etc. I just crave a little lightness, a little decompression time.

The thought of going back to work tomorrow after half term (where I checked my emails daily, and could not stop thinking about work at all) fills me with so much dread it’s like a lead weight in my stomach.

I wonder if others feel like this - or have felt like this, and managed to turn things around eventually?

Perhaps you need to choose - do you want to play the game, for promotions, recognition etc, and therefore you must at least appear to get stuff done, making a big song and dance of successes to your management? Or do you decide to opt out of the game altogether, setting your own boundaries whenever and wherever you please?

I completely agree that the rise to the top is not dependent on who did the best job

I want redundancy and so give no shits and have started to say no and place limits. It feels pretty good

OP I totally understand. The way I see it I've been treating my role like a career - totally committed, putting in really long hours, going above and beyond and putting my heart and soul into properly managing a high functioning team.

But sadly my employer treats it like it's a job - no bonuses, no pay raise in 7 years, no opportunity for progression, very little professional development, no positive feedback and just constantly increasing the workload and stress. There's no feeling like they care about my career.

I don't think this is a midlife crisis but a sense of disillusion that we'd been 'lied to' by suggesting that if we worked hard and did as I note above that we'd be rewarded emotionally, financially and with progression however none of that has been forthcoming. Worse is seeing that incompetent staff/bad managers progress because they only care about 'number 1' and promote themselves.

After 20 years of doing this I feel like 'the joke is on me' and I'm looking at reducing my hours and committing to not working at home. This goes against my entire work ethic but I'm almost 50, poor, have limited friends and interests all because I've devoted so many hours to work. I can't leave because I'm single so my DCs rely on my income but am proverbially putting my foot down as I'm starting to feel like a fool.

Something I've observed recently about successful people (career wise) is that they never seem to stay in the same place for very long, normally it's 2-3 years maximum in a role - and around the 18 month to 2 year mark, they are already looking for their next role.

Interesting way of managing your career and the polar opposite to staying put for over a decade hoping that one's loyalty and deep knowledge of a business area will be rewarded by positivity and gratitude and decent pay increases nope quite the reverse. The people who job hop can make significant strides in terms of fast tracking their pay increases, and are always the sparkly 'new pin', fresh faced from a previous assignment full of bright ideas that everyone else thought of years ago that were kicked into the long grass

Tipsey thank you - it's degree level but only a year long and I'm now halfway through so I'm determined I'm carrying on. When I finish I'm going to take up yoga, run and read again!

Windy, I'm not surprised you're demoralised. Can you move somewhere else? I did in similar circumstances and it really was the best thing I could have done. No pay rises in 7 years is beyond rubbish.

YY re charities and nonprofits. Do not assume for even a second that there aren't issues there too. The culture and management can often be appalling, and I say that as someone who has managed in the voluntary sector.

I'm not saying they're any worse than anywhere else. I don't think they are. They're just not a panacea. Nor are they a monolith, there are some brilliantly run charities that are great places to work and there are some that really, really aren't.

I agree too with the posters who've said we're just being expected to do more, for less. This is the case for work generally, whatever the sector. I've found the best way round this is to ensure one's cost of living is set at a low enough level not to require treadmilling, but I can see that this is only really possible for people who don't need to live in the south east and can have a two income but not two x FT household.

I was thinking, on my way to work this morning, that I feel a little bit like Brexit. I am dissatisfied, exhausted, out of options. I really want to leave. But I have no plan, or more precisely I don’t really know which bits of my work I want to leave (is it my boss/team? is it the large, overly political organisation? Or the Financial sector? Or employment altogether?).

So yes I could chuck it all in and see what happens but it just doesn’t sound very wise - likely most of my underlying problems will remain, and I would have to spend a lot of time and money figuring out what comes next, with no guarantees of a better outcome.

Where you fall on this question probably intrinsically comes down to whether you are an optimist or a pessimist, and I am muh more of a pessimist (let’s say a hardcore pragmatist ).

The catch 22 of course is that it’s very, very difficulty to dream/vision/plan if you’re tired and burned out.

Windygallon, I am 100% convinced there’s something better for you out there. Can you start looking for another similar job, with hopefully a “fresh” start and better prospects? Sounds like you’ve used up any goodwill for your existing employer, time to give your talents and skills to someone who deserves them!

I’ve had a very, very bad week - very stressed, miserable, exhausted from lack of sleep (insomnia), gobby in meetings, sarcastic, mean spirited. I feel awful about my behaviour.

I am determined that next week will be better. I have to stop trying to solve the organisation’s structural problems - I will never be able to! They’re caused by entrenched management issues, not a lack of common sense. There is no point in me drawing attention to myself by being gobby about these problems. I won’t change them, and I will only annoy myself and piss off my superiors.

So here’s my plan to make work more manageable from now on:

• Detach from the structural problems. Unless I want to hack my way to senior management level (I don’t), I will never be able to do anything about them

• Focus on my work, my projects, but don’t take them home

• Look into the possibility of working nine day fortnights. I often feel like the weekend isn’t long enough to feel refreshed and get all chores done etc.

• don’t confide in colleagues about anything personal and don’t seek help if overwhelmed by stress at work (I’ve done this before and worry that it was a mistake). However much colleagues and managers say they are supportive of stress / depression etc, frankly I don’t believe them. They’ll say the right things to me, but I’ve heard the way they talk about other people who are suffering from stress. It’s cynical at best.

• I can easily get my work done in less time than I have. I need to start using the spare time at work to start new projects with the future in mind (instead of reading mumsnet)

• Our culture at the moment is individualistic, high pressured and psychologically unhealthy. This is reflected in most workplaces, including mine. I cannot fix this. I can only make my life more tolerable within it. I must make at home time relaxing and pleasant, and make my house a refuge.

• Put every spare penny onto the mortgage, with a view to reducing the term by ten years. Long term I would like to be working more from home / freelance, fewer hours and move back to the countryside. That is the exit plan, and I need to keep it in mind as the goal and not worry about the day to day shite.

Let’s see how this week goes...

Can you people so unhappy in paid employment not find another way?

It sounds awful.

Something I've observed recently about successful people (career wise) is that they never seem to stay in the same place for very long, normally it's 2-3 years maximum in a role - and around the 18 month to 2 year mark, they are already looking for their next role.

Daisy I've noticed that as well (biotech sector). Even more specifically people who leave around the 18 month mark tend to get a reputation for messing up and leaving others to sort it out, whereas those who move on after 2.5-3 years are perceived as highly ambitious. Both seem to move on into more senior roles easily.

AKA

I'm very late to this thread, but just wanted to say that you sound absolutely lovely - your employer should be grateful to have you. It definitely sounds like they want more from you than you are able to give......Good luck with whatever course of action you choose to take.

Reality - I work a 4 day week - not compressed hours as I would hate to have to do 10 hour days for the other 4 days - but I genuine reduced hour position.
I really value it and even though DS is older I won't be rushing back to full time any time soon - if ever. I find I really enjoy my Friday to decompress and become me again. I got accepted on to a programme at work to help females progress to senior levels, but my enthusiasm totally stalled when I realised that I'd be expected to work at least 5 days a week. Instead I think I'll try to move sideways every couple of years which bumps my salary up by 5% and keeps me fresh.

grumpy yes re biotech / life sciences - I think they time it exactly so they leave with some credibility because 2-3 years is a fair crack to 'achieve' enough, before the organisational rot sets in, then off they trot. Seen it sooo often!

The point of life is to live it. Slaving away at a job that you hate is frankly suicidal!

Hope everyone is handling Sunday night blues okay

Reality that sounds like a good plan. Similarly., I spent some (work) time last week developing a set of survival rules. Which includes a weekly diarised prompt every week to think about career development. I felt a little bit more positive after that.

Speakout. Yes it is awful / but for us there is no other way. I pay the rent, the bills, groceries etc. Have taken a massive pay cut to try and reduce the stress but ultimately I am burned out. So not yet reaping the benefits of the drop in responsibility. Sadly I am the one burned out but for complicated reasons DH is at home. It gives me a daily rage and depression but the children need to eat so we are where we are. I am trying to change it but have very little energy left after a full work week to sort it all out. The last 18 months have been a complete fucker.

AKA, I so love and can relate to your 'Brexit' comment, it sort of nails the issue I think for me and a lot of my friends.
My personal journey resulted in me quitting the fin Services sector, about a year ago, as I found myself permanently stressed out and had got to the point of hiding in the toilets to escape the toxic environment..something had to give!
Since then I have taken a contract at a nonprofit whilst I sort out what I want! It is better in some ways (working environment, less politics, flexible working etc), but no different in others (still toxic people around and the work is not exactly challenging).
What I have concluded thus far, is that there may not be a silver bullet, well not in my case anyway, and the job that will tick all boxes on an ongoing basis may not exist, I just have to try and find something that ticks enough for me to manage mon-fri, and as you correctly note that if it wasn't 'work' they wouldn't pay me!..
As a side note, having worked in most sectors, I personally found financial services the most soul destroying, it eats you alive, if you let it!

Reality I really love your comments. You sound really lucid and constructive and I can relate to a lot of of what you say. We have to protect and preserve ourselves, otherwise our organisations will eat us up.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

speakout what do you do?

Big week for me this week. There is a restructure. It has been looming for months but I finally get to see where things land by the end of the week. It could mean my current role with more authority. It will mean a new line manager. What it absolutely cannot mean this time is more work for the same pay..

I am so conditioned into being a pleaser that I worry I won't be able to articulate how I actually feel (sidelined and underpaid) without getting to the angry tears stage (I have never actually cried at work but I've been cross enough lately to be close.)

I'm in the fortunate position of being able to tell them to stick it if I really need to, but it would be far better to stay put and get rid of the mortgage to give myself more choice long term.

I'm drained by it. I hate the politics, the negotiations and the feeling I'm being continually shafted.

Good luck whirly. This may not be popular management advice but I say let the tears come if they have to, you are angry and there is nothing wrong in showing it. Better than not saying anything for fear of getting emotional.

I actually think it makes sense to change jobs relatively often (at least every 5) because I think you do run out of patience to change things and going somewhere else is often energising.

Thank you aka.

And Johnny, I'd totally agree and that's always been my strategy but I now live in an area where employment prospects are limited.

Irritatingly, Xh is very senior in a local organisation that I'd love to work in but that's ruled out for obvious reasons. Dp is pretty senior in another.
Between us we've already covered the biggest employers in our region so unless I want to relocate some distance I'm more stuck than I'd like to be.!

How is everyone's week going?

I’ve had a much better week than last week. I kept my head down, tried to ignore the stuff I usually weigh in on with my pointless opinions and got on with it.

I got the promotion I was hoping for, so I can relax for a bit on that front.

Also it’s a lovely day today, and the onset of Spring is lifting my mood.

How’s everyone else getting on?