“Soul-destroying” - sometimes that’s exactly how Work feels for me

[AKAmyself]

Right, I know I sound ridiculously ott and melodramatic but I wonder whether others feel the same and most importantly how you cope.

I’m in my 40s, 2 pre-teens dcs. I’ve worked hard to hang on to my career and am by and large happy I did, as its always been important to me to have my independence, financially and socially. I have a good, professional job in a large multinational. I earn a good salary. Thanks to it, we are able to afford the lifestyle we’ve always wanted for our kids and for our family - not talking luxury but a comfortable home, lovely holidays, extracurricular activities without having to worry about money etc. I am really grateful for all of this.

However... my job is also very stressful, and I suffer a lot from anxiety (sleepless nights etc); I am profoundly unfulfilled, as I don’t particularly like the sector I’m in; The management style is brutal and (my eyes have slowly been opening to this, and now I cannot unsee it...) sexism and mysoginism are rife and slowly, consistently chipping away at my ambition and self confidence.

I have worked really hard on myself the last few years - seen a psychologist for burnout; learned mindfulness; invested a lot in leadership and coaching training. For a while all this made a difference and I found a good balance. But it keeps coming back, this soul-sapping feeling that I’m just a rat in a cage, that the effort it takes for my mind and my soul to keep it all together, that the amount of work I have to put into showing up every day at work with the right “can do” attitude to manage whatever amount of shit will be thrown at me; and then to show up at home with the right “being” attitude to be there for my children and dh... well it’s just too much. I feel utterly lost in all of this - like life is slipping one worry at a time.

I am aware, as I write this, that I will come across as entitled and privileged. I am, as I said, very grateful for all I have. I guess perhaps I need to grow up to the hard fact that life is hard, that being stressed at work is natural, etc etc. I just crave a little lightness, a little decompression time.

The thought of going back to work tomorrow after half term (where I checked my emails daily, and could not stop thinking about work at all) fills me with so much dread it’s like a lead weight in my stomach.

I wonder if others feel like this - or have felt like this, and managed to turn things around eventually?

Hi all. I’m here, just accepting this is a bad week and will just have to go through it.
I fee physically very tired, so definitely not at my best.

I had a very unpleasant (but I think necessary) conversation with someone in my team who I feel is not pulling his weight, that really took it out of me yesterday. This guy has a tendency to hit back when receiving feedback so am fully expecting that today he will come back with grievances and recriminations.

Pippi thanks for posting. I’m sorry things got so bad for you but I salute you for your courage and great outlook. Enjoy every minute.

Are you in financial services OP?!

I posted something similar last year. I was utterly exhausted. Being blunt, you cannot maintain that pace at work for very long without something having to give. You aren’t weird and utterly normal.

I am retraining at nights now (more stress!) for a job that will pay less but I will be passionate about.

I don’t think nice holidays are with a shortened and more stressful life.

I would take a week off work and think about how an alternative life might look for you. When you are in the daily grind you are too exhausted to do so

Yes, best wishes for the future Pippi, your current day to day sounds great!

Most organisations don’t offer long periods of leave without pay any more. Mine doesn’t. A (male) colleague has recently had a few weeks off though, he’s distressed due to a total idiot being given a plum job (that my colleague was best suited for and had worked for a year to set the thing up) without it being internally advertised. Think it’s the last straw for him, which is sad for me too because I have few allies at work.

Earning a good salary is often not about nice holidays or things like that: I dislike the idea that womens’ paid work is for luxuries/fripperies. People don’t say that about men WoH. My job helps pay the mortgage and bills. We don’t have expensive holidays.

I couldn’t earn much less, and nor could DH, without downsizing our house, which is an option of course, and I have a friend who did that, but it’s a big thing to contemplate.

The friend got a lower paid, term time school admin job, which sadly has turned out to be quite stressful too due to a PITA manager! But she doesn’t miss the commute.

Sorry. Wasn’t trying to imply that. I mean the benefits of a larger salary - including house - IMHO aren’t worth it.

We have a smaller house now but as I say to DH, kids don’t need a huge house.

I didn’t mean you personally, and I do see what you mean. There are choices.

In many cases men are in similar situations and it’s almost never suggested that they get a lower paid job or quit, rather that if they can’t address the problems at work or change their response to them that they move jobs. Earning much less/not working has long term financial implications for women, eg pension.

My DH definitely wouldn’t support me in a decision to earn significantly less, barring severe ill health, which is sad but I can understand it.

This thread breaks my heart. So many talented women who end up giving up on good careers, including myself. I had a 6 figure high flying career that I eventually gave up on, because as a middle manager I was getting shit from all sides, constantly being asked to do more or less, and my last placement was in a very toxic culture, including being bullied by one of my juniors (!). So I've retrained and am just about to start working as a freelancer. Some days I feel sad that all my talent and training in my previous field has gone to waste, but I wouldn't go back unless tragedy struck and I really needed to, for the money.

PericardiumOne don't let it break your heart.

I gave up a great career buy my talents and energies have been put to good use elsewhere. Caring for my kids and family, helping and influencing my community, I have led a rich and fulfilling life since ditching in my career.

Just because I am no longer in the rat race does not mean I am out to pasture.

speakout yes, and those are wonderful things indeed. I just wish we could choose those out of real free will and not after feeling depressed and burned out. I'm obviously speaking for myself - I love my new career but I also wish I had managed to cope better with my old one, or left it but not with this lingering sense of failure.

The guy in question just sent me a meeting invite for a “follow up chat” this morning. I knew it.... more grief coming my way.

PericardiumOne I am sorry you feel like that- and I can understand.

My career was high flying, well paid, but a lot of pressure, back biting etc.

My decision to jack it in was in part because of the practicalities, but also because I wanted to stay at home with my little ones.

Can I please join this thread? It resonates profoundly with me. I have recently left a well paid job and downsized considerably. I am sleeping a little better - BUT the change hasn’t been as transformative as I had hoped.

I'm in my early 50s and when I was in my mid 40s I could have written your op. What I have learned is that not all businesses are the same. I'm a finance director, I used to work in a very high pressured, private equity business, where the culture was like you have described. I assumed all businesses were similar to a greater or lesser extent. I changed businesses to a billion pound private company and the difference in culture is extraordinary and my life has been transformed for the better.

I am the family breadwinner so stepping out completely, changing my life fundamentally was never really possible. I would urge you to look around at the same role in different organisations, there are some wonderful ones out there. Life changing. Good luck.

Does he work for you aka ?

Yes I’m in financial services and yes I need to get out. This industry is killing me.

So I had the meeting with my direct report. It was actually really good. He was incredibly open and vulnerable and told me that he can see I’m cracking under the pressure and that he can see our working relationship is deteriorating and his performance has not been up to par but that we need to work together to turn things around. In response to this I was able to say what I really felt and what I really need him to change so that things can improve. I was also able to apologise for some of my behaviours. I might have shed a tear or two (so professional...).

In sum I am reminded of the importance of being human and connect on a human level. No one - men or women - can keep up a fake persona for very long. Also - shitty behaviours propagate and cause grief all around.

The next step would be to have a similar conversation with my boss. I am blinded by resentment and anger and feel very lonely and unsupported. It is in no one’s interest to suffer so much (I have honestly spent every evening crying this week) and it shouldn’t have to be my problem only.

I have started to look around for other jobs but maybe the first step should be to try and dig myself out of the whole I’m in.

"he can see I'm cracking under the pressure" --> the cynic in me sees a massive red flag here. I fear that he might try to use this against you, to push you out and get your job. Be careful.

He’s welcome to it

It didnt feel like this, but of course you might be right.

I haven't read all the posts but I've been feeling exactly the same about my work for years. The only difference is that is not greatly paid, it has just given me stability and continuity while my children were very little. Now they're a bit older and I think I'm ready to take the next step.

However, because of the experiences I've had in work environments, I'm really concerned that I will end up in another little bubble of dysfunction and toxicity, where you are vulnerable to being bullied or infantilised by managers and other "know it all" colleagues.

I'm so fed up of the world of work. I've also been suffering on and off from anxiety, career anxiety mainly, as I've been though so much stress at work for the last five years.

I did work freelance for five years at one point, but the insecurity and instability was unbearable too, so I would be very reluctant to go back to that, especially with mortgage payments every month.

Sorry, this sounds like a very despairing post, but I empathise 100% with what you were saying, OP.

I'm job hunting at the moment and seriously hope that my next job will be a different kind of place, where people are supportive and collaborative rather than petty and mean cold reptiles, just looking out for themselves.

We can only keep trying and learn from past experience.

Hi OP, I just wanted to add that I found your post really interesting.

I'm 46 this year and to the outside world it must look like I'm 'living the dream'. I'm a self employed freelancer in a highly competitive creative industry. I work from home. I have a teen and pre-teen. I've had this career for 25 years and I clung on tooth and nail when the dcs were tiny - often working through the night and around nap time.
These days, I'm successful. I earn more than I ever thought possible (though not millions!), my name is known in my industry and I'm never short of work. At the moment I'm fully 'booked' into 2019. This is all I've ever wanted. When I was younger and struggling, this was literally the dream.

However, I feel utterly burnt out. These past few years have been a HUGE struggle. I've sat and cried at my desk. I've made a million mistakes. I've withdrawn from work social events as I can't bear talking about work. I regularly work through the night to get through my workload. I seem to have less time than ever even though my dcs are much older. I barely find the time for a shower or a shop. What has gone wrong for me?
I'm obviously doing too much. However in my work we work nearly 2 years ahead and fir me to phone my agent now and say "I need at last 3 months off" would cause a huge headache for everyone. I can take the time off......in 2 years time. Then I tell myself that in 2 years I may not get any work at all so I should take it while I can (freelance paranoia)......but I've been telling myself this for 25 years and it's never happened.

I feel quite trapped. Trapped in a career of my own making. The idea of giving up is horrendous. I don't want to give up. But I really need to take that time off. I MUST book it ASAP.

I look back 15 years and I had amazing energy. Not just physically but mentally as I was trying to build something. With hindsight, I was happier when I was trying to get started.

I don't know what the answer is, but something must change for me too.
At least I don't have a management team and office politics to deal with and I thank god for that.

No advice in this post sorry, I just wanted to let you know I think you're feeling very much like me.

Great thread op, and you write beautifully. I feel similarly. Different sector though, human rights law. I’m just so tired and no longer have the energy to fight everyone, colleagues included. I don’t know whether this is because I’m fast approaching 40, raising 2 children, London living, stretched financially, no extended family support and something has to give. So, this year is my year of change. We’re leaving London, I’m going to leave the law, and I’m going to re-think who I am and what my next 10 years is going to look like. Courage to you all, change is scary but I’ve started to realize that maintaining the status quo is more so.

I think financial services has become especially toxic. 15 years ago my role was great and reasonable hours, well balanced and we were productive and happy.

Most financial services jobs are horrific now. Utterly horrific in terms of pressure, toxicity and expectations. I feel my employer literally does not care that half the staff are nearly physically or mentally broken. We are also less productive.

I’m also leaving law and think we should keep this thread going

OP, I’m a bit alarmed by your report of that conversation too. Perhaps he has scented blood?

Make sure that you let your manager or HR know that you have had an informal chat about his performance.

OP - I really think you would benefit from seeing cognitive behavioural therapist right now, if you haven't before.

Glad there has been progress with your under performing direct report, but like PPs am also a little wary, given that he has past form for being manipulative! I would clarify his objectives, to make sure they’re clear what he’s personally supposed to deliver, and put key feedback in writing if possible. Also, being overly demanding of a manager’s time is sometimes itself an indicator of poor performance, and providing you’re giving him reasonable attention/info/support/steers you don’t always have to agree to meet him.

If you’re upset every night suggest seeking MH support and perhaps a short time off sick to re-charge. And yes, a discussion with your boss.

Thanks all. I am ok. It’s been a rough week but I think it’s getting better.

I hear you re the conversation I had this morning and you are offering good advice. I am not so worried right now - maybe naive, but I don’t think so, but I agree it is important to document things and re-establish good boundaries and expectations. It’s hard because our team/division is a mess - objectives Are not set or are contradictory, hr policies slipping away etc. No excuse though, I need to do better.

I have had cbt and coaching and mindfulness etc. I know all the tricks just let them slip. am looking forward to the weekend to regroup and really rest.

AK, you cannot and should not be emotional and cry and admit you're struggling to someone manipulative who works for you. This could come and bite you so hard on the bum. You need to gather all your resolve, energy and professionalism when dealing with him. Formalise your discussion with him and record it. It's lonely at the top and you have to choose very carefully who you expose yourself to. Do it on here or to trusted friends, partner etc. Make your own exit strategy but don't give some shark of a smart upstart any ammunition to help you along your way.