“Soul-destroying” - sometimes that’s exactly how Work feels for me

[AKAmyself]

Right, I know I sound ridiculously ott and melodramatic but I wonder whether others feel the same and most importantly how you cope.

I’m in my 40s, 2 pre-teens dcs. I’ve worked hard to hang on to my career and am by and large happy I did, as its always been important to me to have my independence, financially and socially. I have a good, professional job in a large multinational. I earn a good salary. Thanks to it, we are able to afford the lifestyle we’ve always wanted for our kids and for our family - not talking luxury but a comfortable home, lovely holidays, extracurricular activities without having to worry about money etc. I am really grateful for all of this.

However... my job is also very stressful, and I suffer a lot from anxiety (sleepless nights etc); I am profoundly unfulfilled, as I don’t particularly like the sector I’m in; The management style is brutal and (my eyes have slowly been opening to this, and now I cannot unsee it...) sexism and mysoginism are rife and slowly, consistently chipping away at my ambition and self confidence.

I have worked really hard on myself the last few years - seen a psychologist for burnout; learned mindfulness; invested a lot in leadership and coaching training. For a while all this made a difference and I found a good balance. But it keeps coming back, this soul-sapping feeling that I’m just a rat in a cage, that the effort it takes for my mind and my soul to keep it all together, that the amount of work I have to put into showing up every day at work with the right “can do” attitude to manage whatever amount of shit will be thrown at me; and then to show up at home with the right “being” attitude to be there for my children and dh... well it’s just too much. I feel utterly lost in all of this - like life is slipping one worry at a time.

I am aware, as I write this, that I will come across as entitled and privileged. I am, as I said, very grateful for all I have. I guess perhaps I need to grow up to the hard fact that life is hard, that being stressed at work is natural, etc etc. I just crave a little lightness, a little decompression time.

The thought of going back to work tomorrow after half term (where I checked my emails daily, and could not stop thinking about work at all) fills me with so much dread it’s like a lead weight in my stomach.

I wonder if others feel like this - or have felt like this, and managed to turn things around eventually?

Just jumping back on this thread after my 5:30am start, and so so tired I could cry, but really enjoying this thread for solidarity. It's lovely to know there's more of us out there. Will have to go to bed soon as have to get up again at the same time tomorrow after just getting both kids down. I'm starting to question if this makes any sense whatsoever! Keep the thoughts coming as I'm really enjoying knowing there's others out there :).

I love the idea of taking a no-fucks-given approach, but I am consummately conscientious sadly. I’m also always championing others and fighting fights I don’t need to. But then, it’s people like us who keep workplaces running while the no-fucks-given types look out for themselves.

I’m absolutely certain that it harms my career, however much union reps are not supposed to be discriminated against.

I’ve also had an extremely stressful year (not work related), and had a complete breakdown at work last autumn. This was in private, but my line manager found out about it through a friend and, while he was supportive, I can’t help but feel that they now think I can’t cope with stress.

In actual fact, I never get stressed about work, frankly because I am very good at it and feel in control. It’s the shite outside of work that I can’t control that gets to me.

However, I am worried that my chances of getting the promotion I’ve applied for will be scuppered by these factors.

How do you give zero fucks? Are there any tips?

I think maybe the trick is to start small. Maybe tomorrow we should try to pick something to give zero fucks about and see if we can manage it.

When I finally near the end of my patience with the person on my team who gives me grief, for example, they always respond. They really sense the shift. I need to do that more. And not feel remotely bad about it.

I have said no to a couple of things lately, because i’ve been so busy, but have spent the time since then convinced that it was interpreted as laziness and that my manager is pissed off.

It’s almost certainly in my head, but this is why not giving a fuck is so hard.

I second reducing hours of can.

Any chance of a career break for 6 months so you hold on to your job but have time out?

I hated my career for long time. Felt a fraud and that I was in the wrong career. I took time out - did other things and realised that I did enjoy my work and it was a huge part of my identity but I needed to make changes. It worked for a long while then I got sucked back in to full time against my wishes.

One of the changes I made on the " don't give a fuck" attitude was my managers constantly give me work just before I leave for home so they get more hours out of me that way. Now if I know they need something I say I need it by 2pm as I go at 3. Also if they come to me at 2.50 I say I do tomorrow I'm off at 3. If I have emails to send that might theoretically require more work or raise questions I keep them in draft and send them just before I switch off my PC everyday.
One day my boss asked me to do work that really isn't even mine and would take 2 days and I said fine I am now dropping all my own work and will do this other work .
In the past I juggled everything. I used to get so stressed . I'm suppose to work 30 hour week and constantly was clocking 35 . I saw the light when no pay rises , no bonus but full time staff were getting it . I had asked for full time hours few years back but they wouldn't give it as I am considered an admin staff therefore overhead .

So now I genuinely just get out on time everyday, ignore afterhour calls from them except from one person who then I know it real emergency to be answered. If anything I'm more productive now and definitely less stressed .

I jacked in the rat race when the kids were born- my job was totally incompatible with being a parent.

Being at home allowed me too look for opportunities to work independently.
My youngest is 17 now and I love whet I do- work from home, self employed, I work around 20 hours a week- although that is flexible, my hours are flexible, I earn more than my OH. I have time to go to the gym, to have lunch, meet friends, go for walks, potter in the house and garden.
I have no intention of changing this great lifestyle.

Giving zero fucks doesn’t mean not caring about people or the proper work you have to do.

It means not being afraid to challenge management nonsense, not attending pointless and timewasting events and protecting your right to time off and holidays.

One tip: I rarely access emails on non working days, after a ‘wake up and smell the coffee’ incident a few years ago. If I choose to logon, then I do so after hours on those days so that there is little chance of getting caught up by incoming email traffic.

Yes, maybedoctor. It also, I think, means recognising that you can’t fight every battle and you certainly can’t win them all. In fact - I think it’s a lot about not being constantly in a “fight or flight” mode

Giving zero fucks is about not sweating the small stuff. Who gives a damn if you're not 100% perfect (as I have tried to be in the past). Now if someone makes a cutting remark by email in an attempt to do me down, I brush it off, normally ignore and ceremonially dump into my deleted mails, and smile to myself that I'm doing just fine.

Give yourself the love, no other bastard will!

I also protect my privacy like a Rottweiler. It seems disclosure of one's private life at work is a way to get "in with the incrowd". I give zero fucks about being in with any crowd, and am uber selective about who I decide to form relationships behind the workplace. I can count them on the fingers of half a hand!

Am with you on that daisychain! After 6 years in my corporate giant have only three people I talk to about my real life and see outside work. I got badly burnt at a previous co for being too pally with too many people, so never again. Have to do the odd work night out to look social but always drive and leave at ten before the scandal starts.

I’m really down tonight. I am so disillusioned and demoralised. I wish I could just not go in tomorrow

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and can relate to it. Loads of us in this boat.

If you’ve had psychogical support and worked on mindfulness you’ll know that checking emails when on holiday is a bad plan!

A new job/employer might make a difference.

Things that have helped me after many years’ angst: becoming more detached from work, exercise, sleep, finding a few people to be friendly-ish with at work, being matter of fact about work problems that come up.

Further “talking therapy”?

AK, do a sickie for the rest of the week and look after yourself. Work will still be there next week when you go back. Turn your phone and emails off, don't be tempted to peak and use the time to rest and think about what you want to do.

Oh aka, what's happened today?

I have had a situation with a more senior male colleague who persistently delays the projects I'm involved in. I had to let my manager know as it was having an impact on one of her objectives and I think he's now trying to undermine something else I'm doing and make out I'm incompetent for something which I didn't deal with last week (I was on leave!)

Now this is a highly unusual situation for me the people pleaser and normally I'd be upset. Today I'm not. It's pathetic playground behaviour and I refuse to let it bother me.

I put a bully in their place last week, a senior male who doesn't like women. I thought there would be a massive fall out to my detriment, but the reverse has happened. A few other senior people have congratulated me. Makes me feel more powerful. I do unfortunately have an enemy at work, a woman manager (Queen B) who manages to get people to do stuff for her by playing to their vanities. I don't have any vanities to play so her "charm" has no effect on me, and it incenses her. I am polite to her but I don't genuflect over her, which annoys her immensely. She is also a mate of the one I put in his place, so she was very frosty with me yesterday. The difference was that I felt stronger yesterday and it all washed over me. But the office politics is so wearing and boring. I want to shake them and say grow up.

I do think that you can't fight every battle. That is good advice.

I read something a while back about stress at work. It said that if you face a problem become solution focused.. Don't focus on the problem. I have had that in mind recently and it has helped.

I work in a toxic team - a lot of people have worked there for a long time. They have entrenched views, they fight off every change, they forget they don't work for themselves, they forget that there is a public persona you should have at work - you are not talking to your mate down the pub - you are at work. And that is hard to deal with on a daily basis.

For a while now I have been letting people I have no feelings for to steal my joy and I have had enough.

This thread is good read and resonating with me as currently off work due to a toxic work environment.(amongst other things)

Really thinking life is too short, but that's countered by need to pay the bills. I think I'm conscientious blah blah blah but just keep getting shat on from a great height!

I agree not giving a damn at work and only doing what you need to do. All great in practise but when you are the only one in your team not working past 6 and missing deadlines, you soon have to play catch up, and then the cycle begins again.

The playground behaviour in the workplace is soooo

OP is there a possibility of taking a sabbatical at your company? I.e. 6-12 months of unpaid leave? I was in exactly your position last year, had worked myself up the levels in a corporate environment but always hated the politics and game playing. I was so bad at it myself, and got hurt so many times. I therefore saw a life coach and planned to take sabbatical leave in order to have some time to explore other options and get better mentally and spiritually. You would still have your job at the end of it, but you would also be free to leave. For me, I didn't even get to the sabbatical though, as I reached severe burnout - couldn't even open emails in the end, let alone answer them. My whole body was screaming get me out of this job. So I did, I knew what I was feeling was the truth, even if I had no idea what to do next.
It's 3 months on and I haven't regretted it for one second. I look at other jobs, but I am determined not to apply to anything I don't feel like I really want to do. And at the moment I am still an empty husk, so it will be a while yet. But I know I will find something else, I am a capable and intelligent woman, there will be something else more enjoyable. Until then, I am resting, reading books, seeing a therapist, looking after my children after school, and that is just the way it needs to be right now.
I hope you find the courage to take a leap, whatever that is, please trust that it will turn out alright.
Oh on a final note, I can recommend reading things by Martha Beck (eg finding your own North Star), this has helped me a lot in trusting my own feelings and decisions.

Actually the first thing I read after making the decision to leave was Just Tell Me What I Want - you can get a free ebook here www.sarakravitz.com/book/. Really worth a read, made me confident I had made the right decision and gave me courage to move forward on the midst of uncertainty.

Gosh pippi, that's a brave move. I hope you find a lovely new opportunity when you're ready for it.

I'm finding this thread so helpful. My boss is actually leaving later this year and big change is afoot. I'm hoping my situation will ease as a result but the worst case would be a sudden promotion of all the ego twats who suddenly have a lot more room to exert their influence.

Op, are you there? Are you ok? I'm concerned