“Soul-destroying” - sometimes that’s exactly how Work feels for me

[AKAmyself]

Right, I know I sound ridiculously ott and melodramatic but I wonder whether others feel the same and most importantly how you cope.

I’m in my 40s, 2 pre-teens dcs. I’ve worked hard to hang on to my career and am by and large happy I did, as its always been important to me to have my independence, financially and socially. I have a good, professional job in a large multinational. I earn a good salary. Thanks to it, we are able to afford the lifestyle we’ve always wanted for our kids and for our family - not talking luxury but a comfortable home, lovely holidays, extracurricular activities without having to worry about money etc. I am really grateful for all of this.

However... my job is also very stressful, and I suffer a lot from anxiety (sleepless nights etc); I am profoundly unfulfilled, as I don’t particularly like the sector I’m in; The management style is brutal and (my eyes have slowly been opening to this, and now I cannot unsee it...) sexism and mysoginism are rife and slowly, consistently chipping away at my ambition and self confidence.

I have worked really hard on myself the last few years - seen a psychologist for burnout; learned mindfulness; invested a lot in leadership and coaching training. For a while all this made a difference and I found a good balance. But it keeps coming back, this soul-sapping feeling that I’m just a rat in a cage, that the effort it takes for my mind and my soul to keep it all together, that the amount of work I have to put into showing up every day at work with the right “can do” attitude to manage whatever amount of shit will be thrown at me; and then to show up at home with the right “being” attitude to be there for my children and dh... well it’s just too much. I feel utterly lost in all of this - like life is slipping one worry at a time.

I am aware, as I write this, that I will come across as entitled and privileged. I am, as I said, very grateful for all I have. I guess perhaps I need to grow up to the hard fact that life is hard, that being stressed at work is natural, etc etc. I just crave a little lightness, a little decompression time.

The thought of going back to work tomorrow after half term (where I checked my emails daily, and could not stop thinking about work at all) fills me with so much dread it’s like a lead weight in my stomach.

I wonder if others feel like this - or have felt like this, and managed to turn things around eventually?

I'm seeing a counsellor for similar, and whilst I agree with what's been said, my counsellor will say that it's a toxic environment and to be better you need to remove yourself from it. You can have all the mindfulness skills, positive thinking skills etc in the world, but ultimately your environment is toxic and making you ill. What do you value most? Life is short and you need to be happy. And do not internalise anything! It's the external that's wrong, not you.

I think like a pp said, I'm going to add some positive aspects into my personal life and become invested in that, as that is real life, and see if the crappy work stuff falls away a bit. I'm planning to resign in 6 months anyway. My weekends are dominated by fear and panic.

If there was ever a thread I needed to read its this one.
I recognise so much off this,the grind ,the worry being seduced into promotion.
I am a single parent of teens ,have other caring responsibilities and a middle management job in education. I feel like running away,am so sick of the rat race,feel so stuck, its started to affect my mental health.
I just feel there is no light in my life.
I did enjoy my job,now everything about it annoys me ,but it gives me more money than I have ever had.I'm 42 ,feel 90.
God that's so self pitying,but I have none to say it too in real life,which also makes me sad!

It’s monday morning. My resolution for this week is to try and keep things light a bit. Say no to something at work. Externalise my stress (maybe I need to get mad rather than sad...) rather than having it all burrow in until I can’t breathe.

I’ll be thinking of you all

How bad is the sexist culture out of interest?

I left my senior corporate role nearly a year ago now. I had a great job, earned lots, liked the people and found my role both easy and yet stimulating. I had it made but I suddenly got disillusioned with it all and it felt pointless. Mid-life crisis and existential angst kicked in. I left and didn't work for a while. I now have a p/t pick up put down job. If you're fortunate enough to be able to step off the wheel, I can highly recommend it. I don't miss work for a minute. I had several more promotions in me but it was good enough for me to know I could have gone further if I'd wanted to. I had nothing to prove to anyone.

I'm typing this lying in bed. I'm going back to sleep in a bit. Will get up at 9 ish. Just think op, this could be you!!!!

AKA, could have written your OP myself. Ref the age thing, I totally agree. I'm 48 and have definitely hit the "meh life's too short, say it as it is" stage. Except in Work! Absolutely detest it and it is indeed soul destroying.

I have a theory. I think late forties (sweeping generalisation ahead) are when women are perimenopausal, the kids are either teens/young adults and need us less, we start worrying if our pension will be enough and the word "retirement" is tossed around more often. So we begin to shift focus from the kids/house/running around and realise that we are actually back to being an actual person. And THAT, coupled with our new found brashness leads us to pause and think about what we REALLY want. To examine where we are and sometimes this will throw up the dissatisfactions that we've probably just ploughed through previously.

That's my theory anyway. What to do about it, I have no idea!

Me - another broken night worrying about the week to come. Every week I say to myself, keep your head down, headphones on, stay out of trouble - and most weeks trouble finds me. Last week a noted bully (male) started on me and I gave him what for (in email, measured but I hit my target) and I will be seeing him tomorrow. I know he is going to start Part 2, which I am kind of ready for, but really I can't be arsed with it all. There is no senior management backup.

Last week this episode gave rise to a row with DH. My DH (a nice guy) tries to sympathise but he is just as bored with my work circumstances as I am, and made the mistake of showing it when I was trying to tell him what happened. How ridiculous that I have allowed this job to affect my home life. I work in a dysfunctional team in a dysfunctional organisation (public sector) and I don't know how to get out. I feel institutional. My personality is a happy one by default but I have lost my senses of self and I resent that.

I read a saying - something along the lines of - don't be quick to diagnose yourself as suffering from depression- you may just be surrounded by arseholes. That is where I am and anybody else suffering due to work, fingers crossed this week will not be so bad. Somebody used a phrase compulsive conscientiousness - I am going to practice complulsivr don't give a shit this week.

Have a good day everyone!

Honestly I think on this thread are lots of strong women who we need more of in the corporate world!

If you were in my company AkA I think I would look at you and admire you! There are virtually no very senior females with children in my very large company!

Daisy gives some good advice to carry on in the short term and then others have said about complete chafe in the long run? I don't think the corporate world is going to change to being more gender balanced any time soon - it's a sad state but I think it will take generations. I think we have to adapt to survive.

Interestingly i currently get no sleep (two babies) but wierdly cuz I don't give a sh1t about my work at the moment I am better at it! I don't over think anything - I blurt things out in meetings, write things quickly and wing most of it.

Last time I did this i got loads of praise and got promoted - at the time I couldn't understand it as prior to my baby I spent loads more time/effort on stuff. Actually I think my sleep deprived behaviour fits in with their corporate culture??!

I hope you have a good day -you sound like someone I would love to work for!

X

I recognise exactly what you're saying and think that most men and women I know feel this way.
I'm afraid I have no answers at all.
Which is actually quite depressing, isn't it?

Chosen. I agree with this approach and it worked for me. I spent years getting stressed in a job and the moment I stopped caring, I was told I was doing a far better job and was more in control of the role.

I think the stress and worry is perceived by others and they think you are not very good at your job.

If you try to take the view that since you don’t like being there, you will just do what you can without getting stressed, and you will accept any consequences that arise, both good or bad, then ironically enough, things may improve.

Is there any part of the sector you could like? Such as regulation of it (you getting the bad guys 😁), giving training in it, recruitment etc
I feel for you OP. I think this time of year particularly makes us less satisfied with our work if we aren't enjoying it.

I have recently changed my attitude at work (aswell as other parts of my life). I got fed up seeing others being treated like kings and queens and some of us like dirt. Now I go in do the hours I am paid for and get up and leave. I don't open emails 15 mins before hometime and if bosses look for anything at hometime I say sorry I need to go will do first thing. Weirdly I find I am being way more productive and an slowly ticking off jobs that normally take forever . I had have horrible periods in my life but at late 40s now I am slowly trying to change . Everyone have a great day and remember we work to live not live to work .

Yes to all of this. I completely understand where you are coming from OP and experience all you describe.

I chucked my extremely well paid, hard won job at 39 without another one to go to because I couldn't face another week feeling how you do OP. ( I had felt like that for a long time). There are lots of reasons but I realised I was either bored or stressed the whole time, and clients who I had worked for a long time, and whom I had helped make very rich, had no interest at all in me as a person. I didn't have another job and things were tricky financially.

I did go back to work just over a year later (just after having another small child) to role on a fraction of my salary bur doing something I really believed in. That fell apart because I refused to work full time but I was able to get my current public sector role. I am now doing something which I really believe in. This makes a huge difference when work is piling up and you're not getting paid enough (it is public sector after all). It's also one of the Sunday Times top 100 companies to work for in its sector and an empathetic non-sexist culture makes a huge difference on a Monday morning when really you would be rather home in bed or hanging out with your kids.

So, my advice is that if you have good skills and experience to offer, and your are bit getting treated well then get another job. They are not all crap - and while no job is perfect there is no reason to put up with bullying, overloading or a generally rubbish working environment.

• NOT getting well treated

OP I do think moving to a smaller organisation might help. It's more personal and feels less pointless. I was in a job with good pay and on the surface pleasant work but the company I believe was a toxic environment. I would have hung on but when my DH suddenly left I realised I would have to work a lot longer and when I was offered a new job in a small company I jumped at the chance. It was a big risk but my god it's paid off and is the best part of my life.

Thanks all. I am switching on my computer and taking deep breaths. Something will have to change. Maybe I’m not ready to chuck it all in completely but I can and should start to look for a meaningful change... either internally (different department) or ideally externally (smaller company, different sector).

Facebook memories just spat out this post I had linked to exactly a year ago:

www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/02/whats-the-secret-to-success-be-nicer-to-yourself

I find this incredible both because the messages in there are so relevant (hence posting here!) and because it seems that there is definitely a cyclical thing going on, a year ago I felt exactly the same as I do today!

I do definitely feel worse about everything in February. It's an arse of a month.

This time last year I started fantasising (and actually seriously planning) about moving somewhere sunny to live.

Still though, work is balls. It's just easier to cope with when it's still light in the evenings.

It's all the office politics and games playing that wear stuff me down.

Wear me down, not sure where the stuff came from.

Yes me. I've recently returned to the treadmill. I remember now why I stepped off.

I just want to do a normal job and leave at 5 to do other things. A modicum of career progression and a payrise every now again would be nice. I don't think those jobs exist anymore. I too check my phone because I wouldn't be able to keep up otherwise.

Not sure how long I can keep it up tbh.

Time for tea, totally agree. I bloody hate the politics and game playing. Dp actually caught me googling "how to be more manipulative" the other week as I was trying to figure out how other people work!

And yes too to the compulsively conscientious. That is ridiculously me. It does me no favours. I am going to actively try to care less this week.

I'm finding this a really useful thread, thank you.

flightchecker that is hilarious!

“How to be more manipulative”. I love it. Here’s an idea. Before we chuck it all in, Let’s try and embrace the zero-fucks; manipulative; wing-it; who-can-I-pass-the-shit-parcel-to attitude that seems to make most guys’s Career journey so much easier.

Hi OP. I work in executive search so speak to a lot of senior level candidates from the big banks and so many of these (usually) men dedicate 30 years or more of their lives to one company only to find themselves redundant due to a 'restructure' once they hit their fifties and are now too expensive and senior to be hired anywhere else. It's a big shock for them going from hero to zero.

I wonder if they regret all the missed family time while climbing the corporate ladder.

Aka - I know. It's the curse of being a "team worker." I know my boss would respond better if I were a bit tougher. It's hard to be anything you're not for long though.

The irony is I don't actually need my job, or at least, a few months out wouldn't break me financially - I could genuinely give less fucks.

And yes, overseeing recruitment means I've seen a fair few 50 something high fliers applying for jobs they are ridiculously over qualified and experienced for. That must be tough.