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Original poster

Calling All Working Mums of 3 (or more)

79 replies

almost40 · 23/07/2004 21:26

How do you do it? Do you ever regret having a 3rd child? Is it always chaos? What's the hardest thing about going from 2 to 3 kids?

I have 2 beautiful girls, but think I may try for a 3rd. I'm having a hard time deciding, but since I'm almost40, I know I should decide soon. I work 3 days a week and have a wonderful nanny. It works out well with 2, but don't know if I could manage with 3. TIA.

OP posts:
Sonnet · 28/07/2004 15:52

Thank-you both lisalisa and hattiel - you both do so so well...
I onlyhave 2 to get out of the house by 8pm - and I am usually rushing around at the last minute....I also try and avoid any upset in the morning - it leaves me feeling upset and depressed for the rest of the day!
I also feel the day needs to close at some point and there is only "so much" I can do the night before - make sure clan school uniform is ready for DD1 and DD2 has her clothes laid out
It is dragging them out of bed that causes the problems in my house!

Original poster
almost40 · 28/07/2004 16:46

LOL, Hattiel. Sonnet, I hope you mean 8am.

OP posts:
Fennel · 29/07/2004 12:21

almost40 - am 36 and am planning not to have any more. as others mentioned I feel a sense of completion with 3 - it feels a good number and almost manageable (on the good days).

we manage the school and nursery runs with a mixture of both me and DP working part time and flexible hours, I work from home a lot, the school has a good before and after school club which dd1 goes to sometimes. and my sister and her dp live nearby and help too. will maybe get an au pair sometime for future summer holidays.

zaphod · 29/07/2004 13:11

Sorry i didn't get back sooner, but have been busy. I have never had childcare costs because dh used to work nights until Christmas when he was made redundant, so he would mind the children until I came home.
I used to tell him what hard work it was getting uniforms ready and lunches made, and doing the run to music lessons and Beavers, and then getting everyone ready for bed, reading stories, tucking in, then tidying up, and putting the laundry on airers to dry. Some nights I wouldn't sit down till 10.00 or 11.00. It wasn't until he was at home nights during the week that he understood. Anyway, we survive by routine dduring termtime, and I love the holidays with no lunches or uniforms or extracurricular activities. We are lucky to have plenty of space where we live, we were able to do an attic conversion, and so have enough bedrooms for everyone, and a playroom too, where all the toys get chucked when we tidy.
I do need to rethink storage in the childrens rooms now that they are getting bigger, the problem is low shelves are an open ivitation to the baby, so whatever I get needs to be wall hung out of reach, but not so high the bigger children can't reach it. I should add that my dh has always done the cooking during the week, so that all I had to do was breakfast and supper, and has always been very hands on with the children and changes as many nappies as I do, and always washes the kitchen floor too! Naturally the children help too especially with keeping an eye on the toddler and baby, or playing with them in the garden. I really don't know what will happen when my dh goes back to work, if he gets a day job, then I will have to find a childminder, which will cost so much it will hardly be worth my while to work. However the hours are perfect for school, and in two years the baby will be in playschool where I work. Anyway, thats a worry for another day. Thats more or less how we manage, now picture us camping - we are hoping to go for a few days next week, it will be our first and possibly last time depending on how we get on.

handlemecarefully · 29/07/2004 23:35

Do you think you have to have a certain personality to manage bigger families ? My pet theory is that if you are not relaxed, laid back, flexible and adaptable (so you can handle the chaos that ensues) then don't bother!

I am none of those things ...I'm uptight, obsessive and I have to have order in my life so I'm sticking at two kids(though I am 'whistful' about having more)

zaphod · 29/07/2004 23:50

Yes I do, HMC. Otherwise some days you'd just go crazy.

mears · 29/07/2004 23:59

I have 4 children and at one point had 3 under 5 yrs. I always knew I wanted at least 4 (was one of 5 myself). Going from 2-3 was much easier that from 1 to 2. Going from 3 to 4 was a doddle because life was chaos anyway. I agree with HMC that to haver lots of children you have to not be self obsessed about cleanliness and tidyness. My house is a tip . I think you just have to do it and not think too much about it if you want more than 2 children. I knew 2 was not for me. I had a miscarriage after 3 children and was disgusted by people's reactions (including family). They all couldn't believe that we wanted any more. DH nearly gave in but i soon sorted him out. No baby, no sex. Worked a treat

mummytosteven · 03/08/2004 20:37

Bump

frogs · 03/08/2004 20:59

Have a third, have a third, go on...!! It's the best thing I've done (since having the first two, anyway). Dd2 is a complete sweetie pie, the other two adore her and I haven't come down off my post-natal euphoria cloud (she's 7 months now).

It feels like a proper family now. And I work as well (only part-time, though).

As for coping: we do set alarm for 6 am on schooldays . But child labour is essential -- the 5yo empties the dishwasher after breakfast, the 9 yo hangs out laundry, puts away clean clothes etc. And both make their own packed lunches. Meanwhile the baby just watches them doing their stuff and giggles.

Go for it...

Wifeof · 05/08/2004 15:16

Would absolutely love to but ttc for 5 months has produced nothing so far. I'm wondering if it's because dh had mumps (confirmed by doc) 3 years ago.....?

KarenD71 · 08/08/2004 16:33

i have just started my own business, working from home, around my three children. if you are thinking of having more children, but are worried about work etc. please look at this. i work with a huge company, well established in the UK, but, new over here. all you have to do is go to anewcareer.net fill out your contact details (NOTHING to pay!!) and they will contact you. please be assured this is a genuine business, requiring some time and effort, but, a fantastic chance to work from home.

KarenD71 · 08/08/2004 16:33

sorry, i meant well established in the U.S

hercules · 08/08/2004 16:36

Karen - you need to pay to advertise - email mumsnet team.

Original poster
almost40 · 01/09/2004 17:32

Selfishly, I wanted to revive this thread and ask you mums of 3: If you had to do it all over again, would you have all 3 close together - maybe 3 under 5? Or would you have spaced them apart - 3 years apart each or more? I know there are a lot of threads on intervals, but this is really directed at mums of 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
almost40 · 01/09/2004 21:19

bumpity

OP posts:
clary · 02/09/2004 13:31

almost 40 I 've not read all this but I have 3, at one point 3 under 4! (not for long). I am 40 now so age was a factor in my gap, which makes it hard to think about how I would spread them if I had been, for example, 30 when DS1 was born. But I know that I wouldn't change them for anything, they make my life complete. I think with a small gap you are never away from nappies and pushchair, so don't get used to the luxury of life without them (that's meant to be an argument in favour of a small gap by the way). Also your children will be closer. DS1 and DS2 are almost 4 yrs apart as it is (DD in between) so any bigger gap would have made it harder for them to be the close friends I hope they will be (tho of course if like Coddy and others you sort it better and have 3 the same that's not such a problem!) I work ft by the way but am lucky in having a flexible employer so I can do some at home/do slightly odd hours etc. I found 2 to 3 easier than 1 to 2 as Mears says. My house is very untidy but I can live with that.

Avalon · 02/09/2004 13:42

I've got 3 girls - 10, 8 and 5. I had planned to have baby3 a year earlier, but miscarried. I wanted mine close in age so they would play together well. The way it has worked out, dd2 plays either with dd1 or dd3 or they all play together. Dd1 and dd3 play together more rarely - I suppose because of the 5 year gap.

zebra · 03/09/2004 18:46

I was pushing 37 when Baby3 was born -- I really didnt want a child w/ a chromosone defect; & I also felt terrified of having an amnio/CVS/termination. Also, child1 & 2 played so well together, I wanted them 2 play w/ Baby3.

But it's such hard work, I'm exhausted all the time. Gaps of 23 months then 2y+8months. I think personality has more 2 do w/ the children liking each other than the age gap -- Child1 adores the baby & loves cuddling/playing w/ him, Child 2 is almost indifferent about baby, even tho' they have smallr age gap. Knowing what I do now, if I hadnt been so "old", I think I would have waited longer 2 have the 3rd.

Original poster
almost40 · 04/09/2004 02:57

Zebra, how much later do you think you would have had Baby3 if you had to do it all over again?

OP posts:
tabitha · 04/09/2004 09:10

I hve 4 kids with gaps of 4 years, 6.5 years and 6.5 years between them. Tbh, it's far fom ideal - coping with sleepless nights with a baby and stroppy teenagers is a nightmare - and in a 'perfect world' I would have had them closer together. Unfortunately, one of the big deciding factors for us was money. There was absolutely no way we could have afforded to have had 2 pre-schools at one time. Well, we did with the first two for a year and a bit but that just about bankrupt us .

Fennel · 06/09/2004 22:02

Just lately I think it was maybe a mistake having the third. we found 0-1 easy, 1-2 fairly easy with a 17 month gap, but 2-3 (with a 2 year 8 month gap) seems to have toppled us from happy sorted family of four to fairly miserable family of five. I guess it'll get easier but at present, yes I do regret it and maybe would not have had a third if I was doing it again. I totally adore dd3 who is a really easy baby but that's part of the problem, she's fine but the other two are getting neglected and behaving badly, we didn't have real discipline problems before and lately they seem out of control.

lisalisa · 07/09/2004 10:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster
almost40 · 07/09/2004 21:04

Thanks for the advice. Lisalisa, amazed you are dealing with 4. I couldn't imagine it. I'm putting all decision off at least until I'm done breastfeeding DD2. I can't imagine being pregnant and breastfeeding at the same time.

OP posts:
zebra · 07/09/2004 21:25

I sometimes feel like Fennel, too.
Maybe a four+ yr gap, Almost40? Today I took DD to a dance class. She's still very clingy. I am still trying to coax her into going to playgroup, she isn't totally reliable toilet trained, either. It would be so NICE if she were that bit more emotionally independent. Or maybe if DS were long established at school, because he's still on half days so I had to drag him to the dance class, too, today. Juggling the other 2 children's needs whilst trying to get DD to participate in the class was a nightmare!

As it was, I had to hold her hand for the dance class whilst wearing baby on my chest, and seem to spend my life trying to keep DS (nearly 5) and DD (nearly 3) under control, whilst baby is squawking away from a pushchair for attention, too.

I keep noticing how many events, esp. activities that are supposed to support mums with babies, are oriented towards people with just one child -- places that are impossible to get into with a double buggy, baby sign language classes where they stipulate one adult per baby; mum+tots groups for under 3's only, NCT coffee mornings where you know your 3yo would be too bored, etc.). Having several kids can really exclude you from these things, unless (maybe) the kids are quite close or far apart in age.

zebra · 08/09/2004 05:06

Childcare, can't believe I didn't mention the problems of getting childcare when you have several children close together, because it's prayed on my mind ever since (why else would I be awake at 5am...?)

Can't get any right now, can't find anyone/anywhere that can take both baby & nearly 3yo. I could place them with 2 different Childminders, but don't think the 3yo would settle without the baby there... I'm beginning to think I'll have to give up work altogether unless I want to face 3 hours of running around (school run, childminder and or nursery/playgroup runs) each working day. I work from home so nanny/au pair not an option (kids would certainly not leave me alone, let me get on with it). I really want to go back to work, too.