Calling All Working Mums of 3 (or more)

[almost40]

How do you do it? Do you ever regret having a 3rd child? Is it always chaos? What's the hardest thing about going from 2 to 3 kids?

I have 2 beautiful girls, but think I may try for a 3rd. I'm having a hard time deciding, but since I'm almost40, I know I should decide soon. I work 3 days a week and have a wonderful nanny. It works out well with 2, but don't know if I could manage with 3. TIA.

I'm 40 next Feb so know I haven't too long....

Sorry almost40, didn't have much time to talk earlier..

How old are your 2 dd's? I have a ds of almost 9 and a dd of 5 (we don't do small gaps), which is the other main issue apart from me being almost 40 too. I also work 3 days a week while my 2 are at school.

I know exactly what you mean by it not making any rational sense to have 3. We have 2 fabulous children and I worry that having another is just so illogical but the old body clock is ticking so loudly and it's definitely a case of the heart battling with the head.

DH is not so enthusiatic but hasn't actually said no (but then he has that attitude with most things, bless him ). We've talked about it for 4 years since I was pg with a 3rd in 2000 but lost it very early at 6 weeks. Circumstances have meant there's not been a good time over those last 4 years, but now we're much settled and sorted. He's always said that he'd be happy to go ahead if otherwise I'd always regret it, which I would I think.

What does your dh/dp think?

I work a five half-day week, which fits in well with school. I have five children, and really, there was no point at which I found that 4 was much harder than 3, or that 3 was harder than 2. But the age gap is tight between the 3 oldest, 10,8,and 7, and then 2 and 1. I would not be without any of them, although a large family means a lot of work. My washing machine thinks it's in washing machine hell, as it is constantly in use. And we cannot afford foreign holidays, the cinema is a rare treat, but no one feels hard done by. I would have felt that my family was not complete until we had our fourth, and for a long time it looked like we never would have a fourth, thus the large gap. Then number five came along unexpectedly and he fits in too. With three children, the eldest two entertain the third, just by being around to look at, and they will play with and help take care of a baby. If you feel you would like another, then go for it, there is no point in living with a regret that you did not take the opportunity when you still could. Do you think it's likely that you will regret having a third child once he or she arrives? I don't, anyway I hope this helps.

Thank-you, it's always reassuring to hear a positive story.

Zaphod and Freckle, lovely to hear from you. I realize now that my question is really stupid - because I don't think I would ever regret having a child. Even if I did, I don't think I would ever admit to it. Freckle, do you feel it is more difficult having a baby at 41 than in your 30s? How old are your 3 DS?
Wifeof, to answer your questions, my DDs are 2.5 and 6mos. My DH does want 3, but doesn't think we should wait at all. He thinks I'm too old already and is worried about complications.

Depends on what you mean by "in your 30s". I had DS1 (now 10) at 37, DS2 (now 8) at 38, so having DS3 at 41 wasn't such a big leap. Having 3 under 5 was hard, but a lot of fun too. And having them close together means that they are now all at school, so I can go back to work, etc.

Do you have any reason to worry about complications? Wouldn't you be more worried about having 3 under 5's in your early 40's?

As for actually having a baby, I don't think it makes much difference whether you're 39, 40 or 41, therefore maybe you could wait a year if you felt happier with that? If you conceived and went full term with your new baby then surely your body is fit enough to do it again next year?

Complications don't bother me too much as I had 2 good pregnancies before although very long natural deliveries. I was 30 and 34 then, and although I'm 39 now I'm reasonably fit and healthy and would be more worried about sleepless nights after it was born than any problems during pregnancy. I've seen various research on older mothers and it seems that the health of the mother is the most important issue in sustaining a healthy pregnancy.

You're right in saying it's a dilemma. I've thought long and hard about it for 4 years now and must admit I'm not much closer to a decision than I was then. The only thing I do regret is not going for it 4 years ago. If we had, we'd have a much neater age gap now of 8, 5 and 3 instead of the prospect of 9 and 6 then the newby.

At least with my other 2 being older, they're at school term-time and are pretty much 'self-sufficient', which would make life easier in that respect.

Ho hum, I'm supposed to be working today so better get on

P.S. What on earth are you doing posting at 2 & 3am??

Hi Wifeof, I post so late because I'm in the US. I usually go on-line in the morning here and in the evening. Thus, the late posts. I don't feel as though I will likely have any complications. Nothing to indicate that from the past 2 pregnancies, but did suffer a miscarriage a while back. I spoke to DH about it last night. Thinking there was a possibility that he might say, let's not have any more children - he actually said he wants 2 more. It's a joke really since he knows that it's been a hard decision for me to even think about having 1 more. I'm not so worried about having 3 under 5 except that I wonder if I will have enough energy. My friends tell me that the magical age is 4, after which the children become infinitely easier. Do you agree?

Freckle, you had yours at exactly the same age as I have had my first 2 - it sounds as though you didn't feel that having a baby at 41 was much different from 37, which is very reassuring

Aaaah, that explains it!!

I definitely found it easier once ds went to nursery, as she was so frustrated being at home all day. (At the time we were living really rural and the nursery only started when she was 3.) It turns out she's really bright which explains a lot!

Will you still be able to have a nanny or someone else to help out, because that'd be essential in my mind with so many little ones (although countless people manage without...) And although it may sound barking to some, I'd definitely go back to work part-time to regain some sanity as I find FT SAHM incredibly lonely.

Have a good day - I'm off to pick my 2 up from school....

Wifeof

Thanks, Wifeof. I know this sounds crazy, but part of the reason I would continue to work part-time is to keep our nanny, as I wouldn't feel it would be justified if I stopped working. I also do not feel well suited to be a SAHM, as I haven't the patience for it really. I don't think I would feel lonely, more depressed and irritable. By the way, I think your age gaps are really nice, as your older 2 will be able to look after your next one. Also, since you have one of each, you won't get questions asking if you were trying for a boy/girl, etc. Bye for now

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It sounds to me as though your dh is putting you under some pressure to have another! How do you really feel - do you really want another or are you going to do it for lurve!

It seems we share the same attitude to working. I know that if I was a SAHM now (which I was for 3 years) I wouldn't have the patience that I have now with my children. I think I'm definitely a better mum for being away from them at times as I appreciate them more when I'm home. If I have a 3rd, I'd take a year off and then return part-time again.

Talk to you tomorrow?

Hi Wifeof, no pressure from DH. We usuall agree about most things, and he knows that I would go mad if I got pg now. As I said earlier, I am ashamed to admit that I would really like to eventually try one last time for a boy. This may sound odd, but up until the time I gave birth to DD1, I never imagined myself as a mum of a girl - only as a mum of a boy. I love my girls to death, but I do somehow feel like I'm just not done yet. The picture is not complete iyswim.

I have 3 under 5's and have just gone back to work (part time), dd3 is 3 months. So far yes it's chaos but am hoping it settles down. Like the others on this thread I would going up the walls with frustration if at home every day with them.

The hardest thing for me has been being too tired when pregnant and now too often taken up with feeding the baby, so I feel my dd2 in particular, who's only 2, has missed out on a lot of attention. But both dd1 and dd2 adore the baby so I think it's just me feeling guilty there rather than dd2 actually feeling neglected. she loves being a big sister.

safety is an issue too, with two walking (ie not contained in buggies) but neither of them really safe on roads, and the baby too. that's hard.

I really like having 3 (and I do love having 3 girls) but it's dangerous having a 3rd to get a specific sex. my friend tried this to get a girl and now has 3 boys. you have to want 3 children, whatever the sex, cos it is a lot more work than 2 (at least for me, so far).

paid work is not the hard part though!

Your post struck a chord at the very back of my mind, almost40. A few years ago, walking through town with DD1 and DD2 in the pushchair we walked past a boy of maybe 11 or 12, and I had the most curious feeling that I would have another baby, and it would be a boy and that is what he would grow up like. Didn't want another baby, and surprised and scared myself by this MOST uncharacteristic wierdness (am a little embarrassed admitting it now, TBH ). When I did find myself unexpectedly pg with no 3, I remembered it, and was sure this must be the boy that we hadn't yet had...

But no. Another girl. (Which just goes to show it was all a load of old rubbish, and I am not endowed with an ounce of psychic insight.) But I love her to pieces, and don't actually mind one bit.

Hi Fennel, I agree what you say about paid work not being the hard part. I remember a friend of mine saying that she goes to the office to relax a bit - she has twin baby boys. Anyway, I was thinking about this last night as I was bathing my girls. If I had a boy, that would raise all different issues. It would be really nice to have another girl - it's what I'm used to anyway. Did you intend to have your 3 close together?
3Ps and Fennel, does your DH or DP ever feel left out?

I love going to the office (I only go once a week, work at home rest of the time) to have grown-up conversation, sit at a desk and drink tea - bliss! The only trouble is when I returned to work last year I'd had 3 years off and I'm sure my brain has softened (or something!) as I find it really hard to concentrate on work and get distracted easily.

The biggest problem I have is getting my two to school earlier than usual (school is great and will mind children half an hour before the bell rings) so that I can get to the office on time (one hour away).

What issues do you think you will have if you had a boy?

hi almost40. My DP would have ideally liked a child of each sex but after 2 girls, was less bothered both because we both though having a boy, after 2 girls very close in age, the boy might get more left out. and also cos DP does a lot of the childcare, we both work part time and share it out fairly evenly, so he's very close to both dd1 and dd2 and does lots of the "boy" things with them - lego, meccano, trains, scaletrix - which they all love.

One problem with having a 3rd was taking my 3rd maternity leave in the same job in 4 years. It does get embarrassing, even though I work with very supportive people, in fact my boss is a professor of work-life balance issues which does help. but this time I did feel obliged to go back to work sooner, at 3 months, as I've been on and off maternity leave like a yoyo and they have been very patient but it's been difficult for my boss to keep coping without me. So now I've gone back at 3 months which I didn't with the other two.

ps yes mine were all 3 planned! though everyone at work thought the third had to be a mistake, one even offered me commiserations when I said I was pregnant. it's not really seen as done for career-minded women to have more than two children. at least in academia. Do others find this in their job?

Zaphod - 5 children and you work - wow full of admiration for you...
My question for big families is how do you all fit in (plus all the stuff, kids toys etc). Are you a stringent chucker away??,
Any storage tips
How do you get out inthe morning???
Genuinely intertested - would like to pick up some tips...

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Thank-you lisalisa - don't know how you do it....
Storage of "things" is the first thing that hits mewhen I read threads about "big" families closly followed by how you get out in the morning!

I am drowning under "things" and obviously need to have a mega clear out as I have only 2 children, 4 bedrooms ( and as an old house they are large rooms!) - I need to get a grip!! thanks for the motivation
Enjoy your lovely family!
Just read that you also work 4 days per week - hoinestly lisalisa how do oyu do it - I struggle with 3 days and 2 children!!! What sort of routines do you have???. I do so need to get myself together before Septemeber

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Wifeof, some of the issues if we had a boy: new boy clothes, different toys (?), eventually bathing separately (what age?), things like that. Maybe I'm trying to create issues, preparing myself for another girl, if we ever decide to have another
Fennel, do you mind me asking how old you are? Do you plan on having more children?
Lisalisa, truly amazed. As you said, I do think it would be really difficult without an extra pair of hands. I know I couldn't cope without help.

i just had to but in.

Lisalisa your house sounds like mine in the morning i have 4 kids under 5 ( twins included) i would'nt survive without our Au- pair. I am due to go back to work in Nov for 2& half days a week.
I love the idea of going back just for my own sanity... its great to hear other people manage it. However i've not yet worked out the logistics and cost involved. Only one child will be in full time school and possibly three in nursery and au- pair to pick DS and DD for school and nursery, and I would pick up twins at 5pm.
Oh yes and routines- we leave the house at 9.45 to drop off ds1 at nursery, but how i get them out the door is just a blurr, DS1 often forgets to put on his under pants ( I often forget to check) DD has the contents of the kitchen in her little handbag that often get revealed at toddler group, like garlic crusher and bank statements soggey toast. And oh, the poor little twins are delightful but don't get the attention they deserve.
i find outings with 4 kids a nightmare, ds1 is usually good and will hold the double buggy, dd has tantrums and provokes ds1, if the twins dare get any attention, Ds and DD put on a little theatre show. It seems the are very very aware i am out numbered.