Being a stay at home Mum?

[yummymummy1988]

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

[Tipsytopsyturvy]

Good for you lipstick glad you are so happy with the decision about who you hand your child over to.
Now stop being awful to other women about their decision to do the childcare themselves.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I’d advise any adult male or female not to be financially dependent
I’d advise get some just in case money and keep working

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

Something in me is vaguely disgusted by “ do what makes you happy.” Life is more serious than that. Probably my Presbyterian work ethic talking. Leaving that aside, by all means do what makes you happy, but don’t make bigger claims for it than that. The children of women who make other choices are not suffering and their husbands are not dirty and unfed.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I’m not saying anything awful,or anything not already out there,on mn,in rl
What is so intolerable about being advised not to be dependent?
Quick look at divorce stats attest that marriages fail,few years at school gate you’ll see some marriages fail
It’s permissible for someone to not share an opinion,just as many din5 share mine
That’s not awful, that life

[Jenpug]

I never claimed that are for goodness sake I was only pointing out that my husband values my role within our family. If we both worked the hours he does our children would suffer, they'd barely see us other than weekends. Would you prefer my husband saw me as a little noise ready to be trodden on? I guess it'd suit your stereotypes more.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Whom are you addressing Jen?

[Jenpug]

Lipstick, it's your tone not your message.

[Lostmymarbles1985]

It's a very individual thing depending on personal circumstances. I went back full time after our first and reduced to part time after we had our second. There was no question of my husband reducing hours, he is very career driven. I am not. He has always been the higher earner. I have done various parts time jobs and changed them as needed to fit around the children. My DMIl did most of our childcare until I went on maternity leave to have number 4 last Autum. Sadly she was diagnosed with cancer last Christmas and can no longer look after the children. I did go back to work for 8 weeks in the summer but I found it impossible to keep on top of work and four children and my husband got promoted and was away for most of it. I am in awe of how single mothers cope. Anyway it quickly became clear me working wasn't an option any more. I have always wanted to be a SAHM. It is great being able to take the older ones to school every day and pick them up. They can do more clubs and extras as I don't have to worry about who is going to pick them up. They are alot more settled now which is great as I know they are very worried about their Nan.
Find a routine. Try even a walk to the shop for a paper in the morning. Just do what works for you. I love being a stay at home mum and am more than happy to do the bulk of the cooking, housework etc. Dh helps on the weekends, even he is happier with me home. It works for us. But as I said different for everyone. Do what feels right for you! Sorry for the rambling post.

[Offyougo]

I was in your same situation with my first. Gave up the job, got up and got ready late...I have fond memories of that time . I think it’s definitely best for babies to be home with their mum and Dads but mums are more important in the early years) and if you r enjoying it too, then where’s the problem? Why would you feel useless? Your raising a child!! Only thing I would say is do try to go out even just for a walk every day, it’s extremely good for you and for the little one.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

Well, you got quite close with remarks about children not being parented etc. You want respect for your choices, you probably need to talk about others’ more carefully.

[Jenpug]

I was clearly talking about my family. Ive never said working mums arent proper mums or don't care for their children.

[flingingmelon]

I was a SAHM for two years. In the end the yearning to go back to work tipped the balance and now I’m back full time and happier than ever.

You know if being a stay at home mum is enough for you. No one else’s opinion really matters.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

Choosing your words more carefully now, eh? Jolly good.

[Tipsytopsyturvy]

Nothing intolerable to me lipstick I’m not dependent if you read my first post.
But your attitude is smug and nasty, as if your choices are superior to others, quote all the stats you like about divorce. A sahm could quote stats to you about the harm from putting small babies in a nursery 40+ hours a week.
The fact is you have made a choice as I’ve said I’m glad it’s worked out for you but don’t think that you are superior to a sahm.

[CaptainsCat]

I don't think it's what you're saying lipstick, it's the way you're saying it. As I've said already I agree with you re. the issues around gender, financial dependence etc. What I can't understand is your inability to comprehend that many women are also aware of these issues, and make a choice that suits them - we are speaking personal level here not population level. Being a SAHM suits my family, and I have never been career driven. I gave up work after consideration of the above issues. Other women do too, why can't you see that? I respect the choice of many mothers to work, why can't you return the sentiment? You are not right, and SAHMs wrong, nor vice versa.

[cantlivewithoutcoffee]

@LipstickHandbagCoffee there is nothing wrong with giving advice that women should not be financially dependent. However you are not able to accept that is your opinion and is not shared by all.

It is rude to suggest that all SAHM are unequal in their marriage and have no power or independence. We have different hopes for our future and they don’t have to match up with yours. We have all made informed decisions on our life and don’t need your judgement

[Jenpug]

My words made perfect sense in the context of mt.orevious comments. I don't want to repeat myself every single time.
It amazes me how these strong, independent women are so defensive about their life choices.

[NataliaOsipova]

But why not have both? Family and career. Men do. Why not us?

I genuinely don't see it as a "them" and "us" thing. I know several fantastically successful mothers. Their DHs are stay at home dads and take care of all the stuff for their families. Good for them.

If you're talking about two people in very serious corporate/City jobs? Then you need a live in nanny. And cover for him or her when you both have to work and/or travel at the weekends. And you have to accept that, if you both work a 13 hour day as standard, you will see very little of your children. No judgement there, but that's the downside and it is a fact. The pros are you both have a lot of money and both have a lot personal success.

If you're talking about two people in 9 to 5 jobs? Then you can achieve an equitable division of household income and childcare/jobs etc. But the reality is that you'll likely as not have a lot less money as a household than one where one parent has a high earning, long hours "consuming" job and one stays at home. And your children will spend less time in the care of a parent and more in paid childcare. Again, whether this is more or less attractive to you depends on what you value the most. It is a perfectly valid choice, with very different pros and cons from a SAHP model. Different people are happier with different pros and cons. That's true of all areas of life - why should this one be any different?

[LastMangoInPeckham]

As the higher earner, I've been the one going back to work FT after every mat leave. I used to find it hard, but now, 10 years after having our 1st child, I am SO SO glad I have kept my career going. I agree with PP who say have an eye on your future, it will be your present before you know it!!

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

No,I’m not smug nor nasty.simply putting what’s already out there
This is a well rehearsed debate,both sides know the drill and the stance
I find it interesting that folk are so sensitised that mere discussion is awful etc. Suggests not comfortable with choice consciously or unconsciously

FWIW I don’t think anything said to be has been awful etc.heard it all before

[Jenpug]

I think that applies on both sides Lipstick

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Read my post,I’m clearly saying both sides know the drill and the prepared arguments

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

Dh and I are both lawyers. No live in nanny. See kids plenty. It can be done. Once you get to be pretty senior admittedly it helps - I can set more boundaries now than I could five years ago, say. It’s been so well worth carrying on to get to this stage, both financially and in terms of my own development.

[Jenpug]

I'm just adding that both sides appear uncomfortable.with their choices.

[NataliaOsipova]

As the higher earner, I've been the one going back to work FT after every mat leave. I used to find it hard, but now, 10 years after having our 1st child, I am SO SO glad I have kept my career going. I agree with PP who say have an eye on your future, it will be your present before you know it!!

But, equally, I'd say the opposite. I'm so, so glad that I've had that time with my children because that opportunity has gone and can't be brought back. And I'd say you're much better off to have an eye on the present, which will (certainly) be your past and your history, than to focus on the future which is, by definition, not something you can predict. How will technology change your job? Will your prospects and pay be eroded by market forces that you haven't predicted? Look at how starkly the political landscape has changed in a decade and the impact that may have on your life/finances etc.