Being a stay at home Mum?

[yummymummy1988]

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

[CaptainsCat]

I know I know, couldn't help myself. Disclaimer: I don't believe that, just want lipstick to see her own silliness

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

There we are with the gender terminology.no working dad ever gets called pt
I’m simply mum.thats it.because parenting is not a job,it’s a role,set of tasks

[CaptainsCat]

And I'm simply an 'unwaged woman.' Alas! Also, my phone wanted to correct 'unwaged' to 'unwashed'...

[cantlivewithoutcoffee]

Lipstick your comments are getting nasty and offensive.* There is certainly much more to my marriage than who earns more money. There* are so many things he depends on me for and none of them are any less valuable than going to work.

We are equal and winning in life because we are both getting to do what we love most and have family time - it is a choice we have made together.* THAT is equality. Being forced to work when I want to bring up my daughter isn’t.*

Why do you feel it is so important to put down someone else’s life choices?

[Lovelylovelyladies]

AS BELOW


your comments are getting nasty and offensive.* There is certainly much more to my marriage than who earns more money. There* are so many things he depends on me for and none of them are any less valuable than going to work.

We are equal and winning in life because we are both getting to do what we love most and have family time - it is a choice we have made together.* THAT is equality. Being forced to work when I want to bring up my daughter isn’t.*

Why do you feel it is so important to put down someone else’s life choices?

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

When you’ve caught your breath and stopped being so indignant,have a think about the power,the finances,and reliance on another adult

[CaptainsCat]

Think we can all agree that women should respect each other's choices. Some of your comments have been pretty inflammatory lipstick. I get the issues you raise around financial independence, pay gaps and societal expectations etc. I'm a feminist too. But it's pretty patronising to assume you have seen something all the poor unequal SAHMs haven't. I made my choice with an awareness of these issues. It's a valid choice, should be seen as such and is what I want.

[Jenpug]

Cantlivewithout is fat more eloquent than me, but we'll said!

OP if you enjoy being a SAHM then embrace it. Your little one is getting more than enough stimulation from just hanging with mummy right now. As he gets bigger getting out and about will seem easier and easier and will give you a bit of variety. Don't put yourself down for being a SAHM parent, you're doing a fantastic job (or role or set of tasks ) and should feel very valued.

[NataliaOsipova]

Another perspective. SAHM here. Had a "serious" job, however that's categorised (certainly earned a lot of money). Find my children far more "worthwhile" (however that's categorised) than pushing money around.

In answer to your questions - are you "holding him back"? No. Children under 3 need a secure attachment to a caregiver. Full stop. Do older children benefit from a more structured environment with opportunities to socialise with other children? Yes. That's what pre school is for....and if you can be flexible about when they go and when you can pick them up you can pick what suits you the best.

Do I feel like less of a person? Not at all. I think I felt like less of a person when I was defined by my job! I've learned a huge amount about life, the universe and everything through my children and their interests. I've met a much wider range of people than I would have done. I feel like I have a lot more control over my own life than I did when I was at the beck and call of a big financial institution.

It's great when they're small as that time goes so quickly. But I've actually enjoyed it more as they've got older, as they become interesting people in their own right. It's lovely to have the time and space and freedom to be able to help them to develop their interests. The mundane stuff gets done when they are at school and doesn't impinge at all on weekends and school holidays.

Caveat to all this? We are lucky enough not to have to worry about money. I may well feel differently if finances were strained and I felt the children would benefit from there being more money about.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I refer back to my original answer,choice doesn’t occur in isolation

And do you think choice happens in isolation. Free from social,cultural,peer pressures
Why is it women who chose to step down?less so men
We aren’t biologically disposed to giving up career it’s a social cultural imperative

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

I thought feminism was about choice and feeling empowered to make ones own decisions

[Jenpug]

My husband as an adult is very dependent on me. If I didn't wake up tomorrow his career would flop without my contribution to our family. He has no power over me. I run our finances he just supplies the cash.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I don’t see a mob at the door denying you choice,but choice is a social construct
childcare choices have manifestly been influenced by society,gender,culture
That’s irrefutable

[cantlivewithoutcoffee]

He doesn’t have all the power, I have full access to all finances (I would know as I manage them!). I believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with relying on each other for different things - it’s called teamwork. That is equality. We are both playing to our strengths to ensure our child (and future children) get what we feel is the best upbringing possible.

As captain said, why not respect each other’s choices?

[NataliaOsipova]

We aren’t biologically disposed to giving up career it’s a social cultural imperative

I do think women are "biologically disposed" (to use your terminology) to want to stay with the children they have gestated and given birth to. I think that's a fact of nature. Why did I stay at home with our children and not my DH? I wanted to and he didn't. But I reckon that's as much to do with hormones as to do with social or cultural norms...

[crisscrosscranky]

I agree with @Lipstick for the most part.

Nearly half of marriages end in divorce. My career is my insurance in the event that my marriage breaks down. My children will always have a roof over their heads and food on the table. I will always have something in my life that is separate from my family.

I recommend reading Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway; the idea of compartmentalising your life has change my mindset and really helped me balance things.

[CaptainsCat]

Lipstick, the idea of the career is a social construct in itself! I think we all know choices don't happen in isolation, as I have already said I'm sure most of us here made our choices with an awareness of this. I also don't agree that women tend to be under pressure to be SAHMs these days, id say returning to work is the default now. Anecdotally also, my husband would have loved to be a SAHD but I got that prize.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Jenpug if yiu became incapacitated your dp would pay for tasks or rope in family/friends
His ability to conduct a career external to the home isn’t wholly dependent on you being home
Undoubtedly he’s benefited from never having to accommodate your work
But I suspect he’d get along just fine. Ironing services, dry clean collection, groceries delivered, cm or nanny

[Jenpug]

I don't feel comfortable sacrificing my children's childhood and my own happiness on the off chance my husband will divorce me and then into a money grabbing knob. I know it happens, it happened to my mother but I'd do what she did and pick myself up and start afresh. We wouldn't be wealthy but we'd get by. I can't see myself regretting the precious time we have now.

[AprilShowers16]

You are not useless for staying at home with your baby. It's your choice and your life so don't compare yourself to other people. I think it's easy to feel stuck in a rut when you're at home though and I find the hardest days are when I don't have plans and have a lazy day and just end up feeling rubbish. I would recommend trying to plan an activity a day and aiming to get dressed by 9 but to be honest as your baby grows up you'll probably be forced to do those things anyway. Try not to be hard on yourself but also maybe think about having a bit more structure in your day. You are lucky you have the option to stay at home when many would love to but can't so make the most of it if you can.

Sometimes people say to me that I must have days where I'm bored or fed up of being a SAHM and yes sometimes I do, but I had days where I was bored and fed up of my job. This is the job I've chosen now and like any other job I want to make it work the best I can (for me and my son).

[Jenpug]

My children wouldn't get on fine if all the child care was delegated to a nanny during the week and if they weren't fine I doubt he would. You carry on minimising my contributions though if it makes you feel better.

[crisscrosscranky]

My husband as an adult is very dependent on me. If I didn't wake up tomorrow his career would flop without my contribution to our family. He has no power over me. I run our finances he just supplies the cash.

this sounds like a healthy relationship if there ever was one.

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

BS. I didn’t want to stay at home with the kids. Lots of women don’t, you know. It’s nothing to do with biology. Good god can scarce believe am posting this in 2017!

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Yes indeed

[Jenpug]

Yes, do judge my marriage on a couple of lines I've written. Very smart.