Being a stay at home Mum?

[yummymummy1988]

I'm now a stay at home mum to my 10mo DS, my DH was supportive of my decision not to go back to work. Most days go by fairly quickly, although to be honest we don't do much in the way of going to groups or anything.
Two questions really, do you think I am holding him back by it being the 2 of us at home the majority of the time?
And did you feel like less of a person when you decided to become a SAHM? I have friends and hear of women with babies similar ages who are working FT or running businesses and manage.. I'm home all day and my DH is lucky if he comes home to the bed made and tea in the oven! Just feeling a bit useless really.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Jen,you said your dh wouldn’t function.im saying he’d simply pay for tasks
He’d not be sitting unfed in a corner with piled laundry. He’d pay for those tasks to be completed

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

Or do it himself ... like he did, presumably, before he met you?
Utterly mystified by all these men who seemingly must have women to cook their food and wash their clothes. Never met one. Rather glad about that I must say

[Jenpug]

He couldn't in good conscience carry on on his current career as it would mean our children had no one to parent them during the week. I believe I already said that though bit you preferred to bring my.role down to a cook and cleaner.

[crisscrosscranky]

I think I’m out as this will never reach a settlement.

However, my children have still had a childhood @Jenpug - in fact, probably a better one than had I have stayed at home. They’d have been babysat by the TV whilst I did chores during the day compared the stimulation they get at nursery being cared for my qualified professionals (who like glitter and glue and other things banned from my house).

Over and out.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Reread my post I also said nanny or cm.dud you overlook that bit

[ruthsmumkath]

I’m a sahm and have been for 13 years. We have 4 kids, 2 dogs and other pets.

I am very happy with being a SAHM - I am very busy with the kids and dogs and don’t get a minute to be bored.

I have the very unfashionable opinion that ‘ I didn’t have kids to pay someone else to care for them’.

Also my husband has a very demanding job so isn’t able to share child/house stuff.

Maybe things will change after my youngest is at school although not in the foreseeable future.

I can honestly say that I feel completely happy being a SAHM. I do not feel less of a person or like I am the weaker half of a partnership.

[Jenpug]

And that's why some women are better in paid work with their child in childcare. Unlike others I don't need to justify my life choices by putting down those of others.
Some women aren't cut out for staying at home. They thrive on going to work and doing so makes them better mothers. Just own that. I think that's great. I'm the best mother I can be by staying home, I'd be miserable not raising my children. That's what I chose to do and I was fortunate that it works with our financial situation.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

And I didn’t have kids to be the one whose expected to give stuff up

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

Both my dh and I work ft - our children are not unparented.
Good god people get a grip. Stay at home if it suits you but don’t crack on you’re doing something no one else could. The irreplaceable bit of being a parent is done by all of us, whether we engage in paid work or not!

[HeadDreamer]

I don’t feel less of women being SAHM. It is a lifestyle choice. However I do see my neighbour sitting on her sofa everyday. She really doesn’t do much. I get home at around 4, and work from home one day a week. And she is always on her sofa in her sleeping gown.

[Tipsytopsyturvy]

Lipstick - you said to my comment that nursery staff aren’t strangers.
True but they can’t be as invested in my child as I am.
They are often young and paid the minimum wage (or less on some form of apprenticeship) and may leave at the drop of a hat.
Not for me, no thanks. But like I said different strokes for different folks.
I appreciate if this is your only option then you may have to choose using a nursery.

[Jenpug]

Do you honestly think a nanny or childminder can provide the same to a child if 90% of their care comes from them during the week as a parent? If that's the case then I don't know what to say to you.

[AprilShowers16]

I'm sorry just catching up on the discussion. Woman ARE biologically desposed to look after children - our bodies are set up to carry them, birth them and then feed them. Technology and changes in society have allowed men and women to share that role more and I'm not saying that's not a good thing but ultimately if there was a apocolyptic event and all technology was gone women would revert to looking after children and men would be the hunter gathers. I'm glad that there is more choice than that today but it's not true to claim that there is no difference in our biology just because we now have the technology and social setup to facilitate similar roles between men and women

[cantlivewithoutcoffee]

But the point is @crisscrosscranky that we all have different preferences in life. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to do those things with your children and go to work instead.

Equally there is nothing wrong with other mums wanting to stay at home and do all those activities with their children instead of going to work.

There is simply no need for us to insult or attack each other’s choices, we do what works best for us and our families

[HeadDreamer]

And ofc people manage working FT. They don’t stay little for long. Before you know it they will be out of the house 8.30 to 3.30

[NataliaOsipova]

Nearly half of marriages end in divorce. My career is my insurance in the event that my marriage breaks down. My children will always have a roof over their heads and food on the table. I will always have something in my life that is separate from my family.

The best advice I ever had was from the most successful person I knew in the City. And it was this. Do your research and do it well. But - if you're a buyer, you're a buyer. If you're a seller, you're a seller. You don't hedge your bets at that level. If you're a seller, you sell the lot. You don't hold onto a bit "just in case". And if you're a buyer, you double up.

Maybe I'm less risk averse than average (and I do have the advantage of a bit nor independent finance)....but I think this applies to marriage as well. You think carefully before you enter into marriage and procreation with another person. "50% of marriages end in divorce" is a bit like "the value of investments may go down as well as up". You decide on what you want out of your life and you go for that.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

We had numerous childcare options,We chose ft nursery.it was an active choice
Didn’t scrabble about thinking gosh how do we make this work,finally settling for nursery
I looked at nursery whilst pg,to chose well and be prepared.and get onto waiting list

[Jenpug]

What a fantastic way to put it Natalia

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

But why not have both? Family and career. Men do. Why not us?

[CaptainsCat]

Nobody should feel they have to defend their active choices, should they lipstick?

[Jenpug]

Certainly have both if you want to. What if you don't want both though? Why isn't it ok for a woman to do what makes her happy?

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I can’t be bothered getting into biological predeterminism.its not robust,has no valid basis
Other than cliched notion of what women should do
In other countries women for example women work in agriculture after birth and strap the nursing infant on. They don’t wholly give up work at all

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

I have never felt I have to defend my choices,I’ll happily elaborate at length though

[cantlivewithoutcoffee]

@KarlosKKrinkelbeim no one is saying you can’t have both if that is what you want. The problem is career women attacking those who have actively chosen to stay at home and take a step back from their career to raise their children.

I think all on this thread agree that those who want to have both career and children most certainly can and should.

[Jenpug]

I wonder if a man chose to be a stay at home parent would you belittle his choice? Oh that stupid man cant make his own mind up, surely he is only staying home because of societal expectations.